The News from Florida

It is not good.

Today I want to bring you up to date on what's happening down here in the Sunshine State, starting with the recent incident — you may have heard about this — involving an alleged attack by the United States Army.

You're thinking: "What? The U.S. Army attacked Florida? It's about time!"

Fair enough, but before you start spreading rumors, you should know the facts, as reported in The New York Times and the military website Task & Purpose. What happened was this:

On May 16, a group of U.S. Army Rangers participated in the Billy Bowlegs Pirate Festival in Fort Walton Beach. This is one of a number of traditional pirate festivals held in coastal Florida cities each year as a way to encourage people to dress up as pirates and get hammered. The role of the Army Rangers in the Billy Bowlegs Festival was to go out in boats and engage in a mock sea battle with the pirate Billy Bowlegs, who every year "captures" the city.

So far, so good. I think we can all agree, as Americans and as taxpayers, that the main reason we even have an army is so that it can pretend to fight pretend pirates who are pretending to attack our cities. That way when the day comes — as it inevitably will — when real pirates pretend to attack our cities, our army will be ready.

The problem was that, a little while before they participated in the mock sea battle, the Army Rangers — in full uniform, riding in military watercraft and carrying machine guns — stopped at nearby Crab Island, a popular recreational area that at the time was crowded with swimmers and boaters. To be clear: Crab Island was not under pirate attack. All was quiet on the Crab Island front. Nevertheless some of the Army Rangers elected, for some reason, to fire machine-gun bursts into the air. They were shooting blanks, but the civilians did not know this. One moment they were enjoying a relaxing day of recreational watersports, and the next moment it sounded as though they were on Omaha Beach.

So people got scared. As Task & Purpose reported: "Michael Ingram, a charter boat captain, said that when the firing began, his clients and many other boaters took cover. After the second burst, Ingram heard people screaming in the distance."

And as one witness posted on Facebook: "It frightened many people both on water and land."

According to the Times, the Army has suspended 18 soldiers while it investigates this incident, which I suppose is a good thing, although it does leave Fort Walton Beach vulnerable to another pretend attack. I'm just glad nobody got hurt in the Crab Island operation. I'm also glad it didn't happen in Miami, because if it had, the Rangers would have found themselves facing overwhelming return gunfire from the recreational boaters, and those rounds would not have been blanks. There's a reason why Billy Bowlegs has never even tried to capture Miami.

Anyway, the bottom line is that there was, in fact, an unfortunate incident involving American troops shooting machine guns at a recreational beach in Florida, but it was NOT an attack, so let's lay that rumor to rest, OK? The United States is NOT at war with Florida! In fact technically the United States includes Florida, except for Miami and maybe Key West.

The other big story down here is that it's hurricane season. This is a serious matter for us, because Florida (a) is in the heart of the hurricane zone, and (b) has the same average elevation above sea level as Danny DeVito. If you live here, there's a good chance that, sooner or later, you will have jellyfish in your foyer.

So for the next six months, we Floridians will be closely watching the local TV weather forecasters, a group of highly trained professional meteorologists skilled at using state-of-the art technology to scare the living crap out of us. They are really good at this. For example, here's a picture I took Monday of one of them presenting the 5 p.m. forecast. Basically this man is saying that it's raining. That's the essence of his forecast: Drops of water are falling from the sky. But look at the graphics behind him. Does it not appear as though he’s informing us, regretfully, that a nuclear bomb has just exploded in downtown Miami, and we need to be hugging our loved ones goodbye?

And that's just for rain. Imagine what they can do with a hurricane!

Never mind, I'll tell you: They can have us Floridians obsessively watching a weather map of the Atlantic Ocean showing a graphics blob somewhere off the coast of Africa — literally thousands of miles from Florida — representing a Tropical Wave that could develop into a Tropical Disturbance that might turn into a Tropical Depression that could become a Tropical Storm that might strengthen into a Major Hurricane that according to some computer model could very possibly wind up going DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE.

So hurricane season is a stressful time for Floridians. And this year it promises to be even more stressful than usual, because Florida has so many new residents, lured here by our low taxes and our abundant natural supply of pirate festivals. Many of these "newbies" don't know what to do when a hurricane is approaching.

Fortunately, I'm here to help. I've lived in Florida for almost 40 years, during which I've been through a bunch of hurricanes, including Andrew, a really bad one in 1992, which I spent huddled in a house containing several terrified families and a large enthusiastic dog named Prince who — possibly as a result of the low atmospheric pressure during the storm — became extremely flatulent.

Q. How flatulent was he?

A. We seriously considered opening a window when the wind was blowing 160 miles an hour.

Over the years I've written a lot about hurricane preparation. For the benefit of you new residents, I'll excerpt some of the key points here:

YOUR HURRICANE PREPARATION PLAN

If a major hurricane is approaching, you should follow this three-step plan:

1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

2. Put these supplies and your family into your car.

3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE

If you own a home, you should have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

HURRICANE-PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects such as barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool. (If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately.) Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have deadly missiles in your yard, don't worry, because the hurricane winds will turn them into harmless objects.)

EVACUATION ROUTE

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES

If you don't evacuate, you will need supplies. Do not buy them now! South Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam. In addition to food and water, you will need the following:

-- 23 Flashlights.

-- At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

-- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some, dammit!)

-- A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

-- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

OK, that's enough news from Florida. Now it's time for you wonderful paying subscribers to weigh in by voting in the scientific polls (there are two today) and adding your comments.