Ha! I live in a city I'll call Fleeattle, where there's a pirate invasion every summer.
This is advertised as fun, but is very frightening. You would be scared too, if pirates invaded your neighborhood every year and exploded what may or may not be blanks in your direction. They throw candy at children and, before it became unfashionable in 1979, used to pick up children in fun. Ha ha.
This is just the beginning of a long summer of pirates, culminating in hydroplane races where 10,000 people get drunk on a barge.
Look Dave, I can almost understand why those of you in the "C'mon. Take a Chance" state (btw --- you might want to have a word with the tourism people...) would think you have some kind of immunity from pirate attacks (or for absolutely everything), seeing as how the Pirate-in-Chief has his lair there. But since you're marginally part of the country, it's only fair you be attacked like the rest of us. And about those Big Zephyr warnings (yeah, no more "hurricanes;" the Buccaneer-in-Chief doesn't like the name --- scares people), with NOAA now reduced to three IT guys figuring out how to undo a Windows 11 update, you no longer have to worry about those weather forecasts looking like the parking lot of a dive bar on a Saturday night or Stephen Miller's brain scan. Anyway, you may remember that I've started a drive to have you named Jester Laureate, now that Elon Musk is apparently out of the picture, so it makes sense to start thinking of appropriate acronyms for you. Everyone in government seems to have one. Helps obscure who the people really are. A few come immediately to mind: TICKLUS (Totally Inciting Chuckles, Knee-slappers, Laughs); HUMORUS (Hysterical Unbound Man Of Repartee) and possibly, SNORTUS (Sardonic Narrator Openly Revealing Truths). More to come. Sorry.
Hitting that cooking sherry again are you Linda? Most kind, but according to the latest ranking, I'm somewhere just north of Kim Jong Un (on a good day).
Uh...they not only invented Smell-O-Vision but it had a competitor, AromaRama. Whereas the smells for Smell-O-Vision were piped to every seat, the aromas from AromaRama emanated from the theater's air conditioning system. Neither passed the audience smell test; apparently too much sniffing required to get the scent. But leave it to John Waters to release a fragrant version of "Polyester" in homage to Smell-O-Vision with numbered scratch-and-sniff cards. Also understand Disney (and others) still makes use of a see it, smell it system of some kind.
I’m a fifth-generation Floridian and I’m not at all offended. Kinda proud actually (politics aside.)Compared to other states, at least we’re, uh, interesting? Floridians: We’ve got a brand!
Ok, Dale. You are most definitely the second funniest writer on earth. Do you have your own Substack? Or doihave to follow you in comments on Dave Barry’s?
I would like to borrow the pretend pirates and have them attack the real oil drilling platforms off the coast of California (or I would welcome the U.S. Army in a pinch) and I am adopting Dave’s hurricane preparedness measures to ensure that I survive THE BIG ONE (which refers to an earthquake, whatever else you may be thinking) even though Danny DeVito and I may be buried in the rubble of our respective houses. If I could just stop laughing long enough to go shopping…..
You're right about rubble. Floridians don't have to wait for a hurricane, the land beneath their condos is on the move taking everything with it. As a plus, NOAA can't give warnings!
I could not participate in the second poll. My preferred answer was not among those listed so I present it here: Governor Ron DeSantis. I observe, however, that lately he has been notably, and thankfully, missing from the national news. Did he participate in a duel and lose to Mickey Mouse? Or what?
All I know about Florida is, when a news story contains, "A man from Florida…" it's gonna be good for some serious eye rolls and laughs. But, good to know about the hurricane preparedness tips, thanks Dave.
Dave, everyone knows that YOU’RE the best thing about Florida. But Carl is a close second.
You brown-noser, Garett!!
Don’t even! I’ll fight you for him!!
I know right? Two words come to mind: Brown and Nose!
Who’s Carl??
Ha! I live in a city I'll call Fleeattle, where there's a pirate invasion every summer.
This is advertised as fun, but is very frightening. You would be scared too, if pirates invaded your neighborhood every year and exploded what may or may not be blanks in your direction. They throw candy at children and, before it became unfashionable in 1979, used to pick up children in fun. Ha ha.
This is just the beginning of a long summer of pirates, culminating in hydroplane races where 10,000 people get drunk on a barge.
Most of us hide out at home.
Drunk on a Barge was the failed first draft of Dierks Bentley's platinum hit Drunk on a Plane.
Look Dave, I can almost understand why those of you in the "C'mon. Take a Chance" state (btw --- you might want to have a word with the tourism people...) would think you have some kind of immunity from pirate attacks (or for absolutely everything), seeing as how the Pirate-in-Chief has his lair there. But since you're marginally part of the country, it's only fair you be attacked like the rest of us. And about those Big Zephyr warnings (yeah, no more "hurricanes;" the Buccaneer-in-Chief doesn't like the name --- scares people), with NOAA now reduced to three IT guys figuring out how to undo a Windows 11 update, you no longer have to worry about those weather forecasts looking like the parking lot of a dive bar on a Saturday night or Stephen Miller's brain scan. Anyway, you may remember that I've started a drive to have you named Jester Laureate, now that Elon Musk is apparently out of the picture, so it makes sense to start thinking of appropriate acronyms for you. Everyone in government seems to have one. Helps obscure who the people really are. A few come immediately to mind: TICKLUS (Totally Inciting Chuckles, Knee-slappers, Laughs); HUMORUS (Hysterical Unbound Man Of Repartee) and possibly, SNORTUS (Sardonic Narrator Openly Revealing Truths). More to come. Sorry.
Windows 11 was part of the Plot To Destroy America.
Ok, Dale. You might be the second funniest person on earth.
Hitting that cooking sherry again are you Linda? Most kind, but according to the latest ranking, I'm somewhere just north of Kim Jong Un (on a good day).
Ha! I rarely cook, and most certainly not with sherry.
Sherry can't cook worth a darn, anyway! She burns water!
Bangs
Bangs 3 times has a good rhythm
Bonus question:
When they first hear of a hurricane heading towards Florida, how many Americans’ think “ Please, please, go STRAIGHT to Mar-a- Lago and STAY THERE ”
Bangs
Florida scares me. And I live in Detroit.
Florida scares me and I live under a bridge.
Now THAT'S a low lying area
Florida terrified me BEFORE I knew the Army had cut loose, and I live in Florida!
How can anybody who lives in Detroit be scared of anyplace else? Lol
🤣
I understand that FEMA is not having a hurricane season this year.
What's a hurricane system? (question compliments of new FEMA chief)
Oops ! Season.
Hurricane Season is only for obscure island nations.
Like Key West?
Any day’s a good day when it starts with a Dave Barry column.
Stress farting is a real thing. Probably worth an entire Substack story.
Wow, I'm glad they never invented Smellavision.
Uh...they not only invented Smell-O-Vision but it had a competitor, AromaRama. Whereas the smells for Smell-O-Vision were piped to every seat, the aromas from AromaRama emanated from the theater's air conditioning system. Neither passed the audience smell test; apparently too much sniffing required to get the scent. But leave it to John Waters to release a fragrant version of "Polyester" in homage to Smell-O-Vision with numbered scratch-and-sniff cards. Also understand Disney (and others) still makes use of a see it, smell it system of some kind.
They must manufacture that smelly stuff in an ol' factory. (Get it?)
You'll go to your room and stay there until you apologize.
Remember when movie theaters piped in the smell of popcorn?
That was popcorn?
I only remember the smell of mildew, since the theater hadn't been aired out in about 7 years.
Good story material, yes ... but no illustrations, please.
Can't Florida make a law that will require anyone who goes there for the winter to stay through the summer?
That might work until it is declared “cruel and unusual punishment” by whatever is left of our courts.
Thank goodness Key West is in the Conch Republic and seceded where others failed.
I think they need to secede every year, just in case.
Obviously manatees -- especially baby ones -- are the best thing about Florida!
I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right! Baby manatees in a blue spring. Heaven.
I’m a fifth-generation Floridian and I’m not at all offended. Kinda proud actually (politics aside.)Compared to other states, at least we’re, uh, interesting? Floridians: We’ve got a brand!
Yep. Love DeSantis's new anti-vax slogan. "Come for a visit. Stay forever."
Ok, Dale. You are most definitely the second funniest writer on earth. Do you have your own Substack? Or doihave to follow you in comments on Dave Barry’s?
You are so funny. Thanks for still being alive.
This piece was much funnier and more informative than the last one you emailed entitled "Your payment receipt from Dave Barry’s Substack"
I would like to borrow the pretend pirates and have them attack the real oil drilling platforms off the coast of California (or I would welcome the U.S. Army in a pinch) and I am adopting Dave’s hurricane preparedness measures to ensure that I survive THE BIG ONE (which refers to an earthquake, whatever else you may be thinking) even though Danny DeVito and I may be buried in the rubble of our respective houses. If I could just stop laughing long enough to go shopping…..
You're right about rubble. Floridians don't have to wait for a hurricane, the land beneath their condos is on the move taking everything with it. As a plus, NOAA can't give warnings!
I could not participate in the second poll. My preferred answer was not among those listed so I present it here: Governor Ron DeSantis. I observe, however, that lately he has been notably, and thankfully, missing from the national news. Did he participate in a duel and lose to Mickey Mouse? Or what?
Same. So I voted for “the Floridians” who voted for him.
All I know about Florida is, when a news story contains, "A man from Florida…" it's gonna be good for some serious eye rolls and laughs. But, good to know about the hurricane preparedness tips, thanks Dave.