Tax-Preparation Tips

1. Give up.

It's tax season once again, and if you're like many Americans, the question on your mind is: "What with everything going on in Washington, do I still have to pay taxes?"

Sadly, yes. Things were looking good for a little while there, when the Department of Government Efficiency, as an efficiency measure, fired the entire staff of the Internal Revenue Service except for a woman named Denise who happened to be in the ladies' room when DOGE came through. Unfortunately they reversed course on that particular measure, so the IRS employees have been reinstated, along with — at least for now — the Coast Guard, the Centers for Disease Control and about a third of the 5,000 Yellowstone park bison.

This means that you do, in fact, have to file a tax return. And if you're like many Americans, you wish somebody would drop an anvil on the Geico Gecko. So do I, but that is not my point. My point is that if you're like many Americans, you're afraid to prepare your own tax return, because you don't want to go to prison for violating the U.S. Tax Code, which at the moment is 6,781 pages long and is filled with sentences like this one (I am not making this sentence up):

In general if the partnership (1) not later than 45 days after the date of the notice of final partnership adjustment, elects the application of this section with respect to an imputed underpayment, and (2) at such time and in such manner as the Secretary may provide, furnishes to each partner of the partnership for the reviewed year and to the Secretary a statement of the partner's share of any adjustment to a partnership-related item (as determined in the notice of final partnership adjustment), section 6225 shall not apply with respect to such underpayment (and no assessment of tax, levy, or proceeding in any court for the collection of such underpayment shall be made against such partnership) and each such partner shall take such adjustment into account as provided in subsection (b).

My favorite thing about that sentence is that it starts with "In general." It's like the tax code is saying, "Don't hold me to this! I'm just spitballing here!"

For the record, I chose that sentence pretty much at random. It is nowhere near the most incomprehensible sentence in the tax code; the whole thing is written that way. That's because the tax code was not created by, or for, normal humans. It was created by Congress, which produces legislation the way a cow produces cow poop, without the slightest concern for how it smells or where it lands, the difference being that cows do not get to retire on generous federal pensions.

Years ago a Miami Herald colleague of mine, John Dorschner, had a brilliant idea for how we could get Congress to simplify our tax laws. Every year, on April 15, all the members of Congress would be rounded up and placed in prison cells, where each would be provided with all necessary tax forms and a complete copy of the tax code. They would have to remain locked in their cells, without food or water, until they completed their tax returns and passed an IRS audit.

Q. What if they couldn't pass the audit?

A. That's a risk we taxpayers are willing to take.

But for now, tragically, the Dorschner Plan is only a dream. This means that once again many of us will have to pay somebody to do our taxes. I personally pay a person named Patty, who is very nice and seems very competent. Every year she prepares my tax return, which is many pages long, and I sign it wherever she puts a little red SIGN HERE flag.

But the truth is, the only part of my tax return that I actually understand are the words "sign here." I have NO idea what else is in there. For all I know Patty is telling the IRS I own a commercial salamander-breeding facility.

This is why, like many Americans, I live in constant fear of an IRS audit. I am especially fearful now, because of the person President Trump has nominated to be our new IRS commissioner. He's a former congressperson from Missouri named Billy Long. I swear I am not making him up. Here, according to Wikipedia, is his official portrait photo:

Wikipedia describes Long as "an American politician, realtor, and auctioneer." Yes! He’s an auctioneer! Wikipedia states:

He was named "Best Auctioneer in the Ozarks" for seven years in a row. In 2016, he was inducted into National Auctioneers' Association Hall of Fame after his 2009 induction into the Missouri Professional Auctioneers’ Association Hall of Fame.

So he's definitely qualified. I'm sure I speak for all Americans when I say that the main thing we're looking for, in our IRS commissioner, is the ability to talk extremely fast. Nevertheless there's something about Billy Long that troubles me. For a while I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I kept staring at his official portrait photo:

And then, suddenly, I realized who he reminded me of.

So now I'm REALLY worried about getting audited by the IRS. I'm wondering what kind of tactics the auditors will use when "Billy Long" — or whatever his real name is — takes over.

IRS Auditor: Mr. Barry, in your 2022 return, you claim a $13,500 deduction for salamander food.

Me: I don't know anything about that.

IRS Auditor: Perhaps it will refresh your memory if we dangle you over this massive gaping desert pit with tentacles and teeth.

Me: No! I'll talk! It was Patty!

My point is that now, more than ever, the best strategy for taxpayers is to avoid an IRS audit altogether. And the best way to do that, according to a press release from the American Association of Tax-Preparation Professionals, is to "keep accurate records, double-check everything in your return, and maintain a hideout cabin in rural Idaho."

Anyway, I hope you’ve found these tax-preparation tips to be helpful. And now it's time for you generous paying subscribers to express your views in this scientific poll: