Mother's Day Advice for Men

You're going to screw it up.

Men, Mother's Day is just around the corner. I know this because I got an email from a company called Aukey, from which I sometimes buy electronic gadgetry that I need for tax-deductible business reasons.

The guys at Aukey — they are definitely guys, as you will see in a moment — put together a collection of items that they believe would make perfect gifts for Mom on Mother's Day — to, as they put it, "make her day memorable with a gift she deserves." Here's their email:

Is that a great selection of gifts for Mom, or what? Imagine the look of delight on her face as she unwraps her present and exclaims: "Ohmigod! It's the PB-Y57 Spark Mini! With 20000mAh, whatever that means! This is the most memorable Mother's Day ever!"

I'm kidding, of course. Mom would not exclaim that. Oh, she would pretend to be pleased if you gave her a PB-Y57, or even a PB-Y41, because that's what moms do. But it's not what she wants.

"But Dave!" you may be thinking. "These are practical gifts, which Mom can really use!"

Listen carefully, men: Mom does not want a practical gift for Mother's Day.

You know who doesn't mind practical gifts? Dad. On Father's Day, Dad would be fine with getting the PB-Y57. Or jumper cables. Or, even better, nothing. The truth is, Dad would prefer to skip Father's Day altogether. Dad feels the same way about anniversaries, birthdays (including his own), Valentine's Day and any other occasion for which he is expected to buy a gift AND a card AND maybe flowers, AND, in an absolute worst-case scenario, go to brunch. Dad's idea of the perfect Father's Day would be if everybody else in the family went to brunch and left him alone dozing on the sofa, gently farting the afternoon away.

But not Mom. Mom enjoys these festive occasions. Mom likes brunch. "You don't have to make a fuss," she’ll say, meaning she would like you to make a fuss. Likewise if she says you don't need to get her a gift, you definitely should get her a gift. But NOT a practical gift. What Mom really wants is a thoughtful gift, defined as "a gift that no man, if left to his own devices, would ever in a million years think of."

For example, consider the following product, which is recommended by Country Living Magazine in a story about celebrity-inspired Mother's Day Gifts (the celebrity who inspired this one is Kelly Ripa):

As a man, you can be confident that this would make an ideal Mother's Day Gift, for several reasons:

-- It comes in a little jar.

-- It has French writing on it.

-- You have NO idea what the hell it is.

For the record, it's a product that is supposed to hydrate the lips overnight. Apparently if you don't hydrate your lips overnight, they become flaky. The other moms will call you "Flaky Lips" behind your back. Country Living Magazine states that if she uses this product, "Mom will always wake up with silky smooth lips." You cannot put a price on that. It's $24.

Another good Mother's Day gift is candles. Moms love candles! But you need to get the right kind of candle. For example, you could go to Amazon and, for $35.99, buy Mom this:

This is a pack of 20 sturdy beeswax candles, each of which can burn brightly for 12 hours. So you're talking about giving Mom 240 hours of quality candlelight! She'd love that for Mother's Day, right?

NO YOU IDIOT.

Forgive me for shouting. But apparently you have already forgotten our rule: Mom does not want a practical gift for Mother's Day. The type of candle that Mom wants is a scented candle — a candle that fills the room with fragrance, as though there has been an explosion at a nearby fruit-processing plant. Also it should be a romantic candle, by which I mean it should provide approximately the same level of illumination as a lukewarm corn dog. In other words, Mom wants a candle like the one that was recently declared "Best candle overall" by New York Magazine. Here's the writer of the article explaining why she chose it:

.

Yes. Not only is this candle French, but it also has notes of "vetiver" AND it has "throw." Do you understand what those things mean? Neither do I. That's how we, as men, know that this candle would make an excellent Mother's Day gift. In fact Mom's idea of a perfect evening would be to retire to her bathroom, turn off all the lights, ignite her French corndog candle and hydrate her entire body in a hot bath while she inhales the scent of vetiver wafting through the steamy gloom and carefully coats her lips with La Neige French sleeping mask, which, according to Country Living Magazine, is made with "murumuru seed," which you never heard of, so you know it's good.

So to summarize my Mother's Day advice for men: In considering a potential gift item, ask yourself this question: Do you have any earthly idea what the purpose of the item is? If your answer is yes, do NOT give this item to Mom. So this item would be a definite no:

Whereas this is a definite yes:

Got it, men? Good! Now let's talk about brunch. You should make a reservation at a nice restaurant, defined as "a restaurant that no longer has any tables available because you waited until the last minute to try to make a reservation." So you might have to go with Plan B, as featured in USA Today.

Bon appetit! (From the French words "bon," meaning "you," and "appetit," meaning "idiot.")

In conclusion, I want to wish all you moms out there a happy Mother's Day. I hope you were not offended by any of the jokes in this column. If it makes any difference, I got my sense of humor directly from my mom, the late Marion Barry, one of the funniest people I ever knew. Here I am giving her a hug back in 1974, when I had grown a mustache as part of an unsuccessful attempt to look like an adult.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

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