The modern dating scene is brutal. That is not just my opinion. That is an established fact that I have personally verified over the course of literally minutes of research on the Internet.
In survey after survey, single women complain that the dating pool of acceptable men is pitifully small — that too many single men are immature, uninterested in meaningful relationships and afraid to even initiate a conversation with a woman, let alone make a long-term emotional commitment. For their part, single men did not participate in the surveys because they were playing video games.
Ha ha! I’m kidding! Sort of! But seriously, the dating scene is bad.
Q. How bad is it?
A. It’s so bad that single women in New York City are reportedly trying to meet eligible men by stealing their lunches.
Q. You made that up.
A. I did not. Here’s an actual headline from the New York Post:
This story quotes a woman known on TikTok as @nicoleee461, who made a TikTok video — which I urge you to watch for yourself — in which she says, while brushing her hair:
Guys, the dating scene is getting so bad in New York City that I am seeing on TikTok, there are girls going into midtown during the week and stealing finance bros’ salads, for lunch, and then looking their name up from the salad order on LinkedIn, and then messaging them through there and being like, “Hey, so sorry, grabbed your salad, like, let me just make it up to you and buy you a new one.” And that’s how they’re, like, sliding in, which, like honestly, smart, why are we stealing men’s salads? Like, that’s... why can’t they just come up to us in a bar? Like why is it getting to this point? Men, just please step up, or your salad’s gonna f**king get taken, your lunch is gonna get taken every week. Like I’m seeing girls get so creative these days, like they’re making bracelets with their phone numbers on them and giving them to you guys at the bars... all just different ways to try to talk to you guys ‘cause you guys don’t come up to us....
In short, @nicoleee461 is issuing this chilling ultimatum on behalf of single women, to single men: TALK TO US OR, LIKE, LOSE YOUR SALAD.
Of course many single men would respond by briefly pausing their video games and saying: “Oh really, @nicoleee461? If I approached you in a bar, you’d probably reject me for being unattractive, or too short, or not rich enough. Also I don’t even LIKE salad.”
These single men have a valid point, despite the fact that I made them up. Dating is rough for men, too, because traditionally men are expected to make the first move, which can — I speak from bitter experience — lead to humiliation. This is not true just for human males; this is true throughout the animal kingdom, as evidenced by this headline:
This story concerns researchers who studied the mating behaviors of the European common frog and found that female frogs employ a variety of strategies to avoid males who want to mate with them, including pretending to be dead. On one hand, this is understandable. I myself would do pretty much anything to avoid mating with a frog. But on the other hand, think how this strategy could impact a sensitive male frog, whom we will call Brian.
Let’s say Brian has a crush on a female frog, whom we will call Trixie. Let’s say Brian finally works up the courage to attempt to mate with Trixie, only to discover that she is dead. Brian is of course disappointed, but he doesn’t view it as a reflection on himself... until a short while later, when he sees Trixie, who it turns out is very much alive, getting it on with Raoul. Who Brian thought was his best friend.
Brian is not going to be the same frog after that. None of us would be. And yet he’s supposed to just shake off this humiliation and find the nerve to hop up to @nicoleee461 in a bar? I don’t think so.
And humiliation isn’t even the worst fate that can befall males who attempt to initiate dates in the animal kingdom. Do you know what male praying mantises have to do to have sex? According to Google AI, this is the procedure:
1. A male mantis cautiously approaches the female, often using a specific mating dance.
2. The female may bite off the male’s head at some point during the courtship, copulation, or shortly after.
3. Despite being decapitated, the male’s body can continue to mate because the nerve center that controls the mating movements is located in the abdomen, not the head.
4. In fact, decapitation may even increase the male’s copulatory vigor, leading to a greater likelihood of successful sperm transfer.
5. When the mating sequence is complete, the female steals the male’s salad.
No, I made up Step 5. But Steps 1-4 are absolutely real. For male praying mantises, the price of having sex is getting decapitated, and even after THAT happens they’re supposed to keep right on having sex. Is it any wonder that so many of them turn to video games?
My point is, the dating scene is rough for all of the major sexes. So is there any hope for single people? To answer that question, we turn to a story published in April by Michigan Live, headlined:
This story, written by Garret Ellison, concerns a Michigan man named Mitchell O’Brien who went for a walk on the shore of Lake Michigan with a co-worker, Breanne Sika, whom he was “kinda-sorta” dating. They were walking by the water when O’Brien stepped into quicksand and quickly sank to his waist. The story quotes him as saying “Man, I was stuck, stuck — like, my left leg, I couldn’t move it. It’s like there was something holding it underground. It was crazy how hard it was there.”
He struggled to get out for 15 minutes, but could not, so he and Breanne both called 911. And that’s when the story, according to Michigan Live, got romantic:
“...we both get through at the same time,” he said. “And I just go, ‘I think my girlfriend’s trying to call, too.’ And she, at the same time, about 20 feet away, says, ‘my boyfriend is stuck in the sand.’”
At that point, he said, they became a couple. “That was literally the first time we defined our relationship. It happened with two separate 911 operators at the same time.”
Yes! Quicksand brought them together! Aw.
To me this story was like a real-world Hallmark-movie-style rom-com, a shining example of how you never know when, or how, you’ll find romance. In a vast dark sea of dating pessimism, this story was a bright lighthouse beam of hope.
So I phoned Mitchell O’Brien and asked him for permission to use the photo of him stuck in the sand. He said sure.
“But there’s one thing you should know,” he added. “Breanne and I are no longer together.”
Oh.
I decided to include this story anyway, for two reasons:
First, even though it didn’t work out this time, Mitchell told me he hasn’t given up hope. “I still do believe you can find love in crazy ways,” he said.
Second, if you’re a single person, and you’re on any dating apps, and your profile states that you enjoy long romantic walks on the beach, you might want to revise that section.
And now it’s time for you lovely paying subscribers to weigh in.
I’m, like, glad that I’m married and have not (yet) been decapitated.
The last time I went out with a man, I kissed him and he turned into a frog. So, I have given up.