Man Problems

Not that I'm complaining.

Men are not perfect. As a lifelong man, I understand this. We men have flaws, which women have been helpfully pointing out to us for thousands of years. For example my wife, Michelle, a woman, often observes that whereas women almost always resolve their disputes nonviolently, men tend to be be aggressive macho idiots who wind up getting into pointless fistfights, or seizing the Strait of Hormuz.

Fair enough. Although this is not true of ALL men. I may have done some foolish things in my life, but I have never seized the Strait of Hormuz, except that one time in college, and most of those charges were dropped.

And let’s be honest: Women have flaws, too. Let me give you a hypothetical example involving a completely hypothetical made-up woman who is not an actual person and therefore does not exist in real life. We’ll call her “Nichelle.”

Let’s say Nichelle and her husband, “Bave,” are going out for the evening to an event that starts at a specific time, such as a movie. Let’s say that they have mutually agreed, after some negotiation, to leave the house at 7 p.m. This means Bave will be standing by the kitchen door, holding the keys, ready to leave, no later than 6:45 p.m. Bave always prefers to leave a little early, in case some unforeseen situation arises, such as that the theater suddenly announces (You never know!) that the movie start time has been moved up. Nichelle does not share this concern.

Sixteen minutes later, at 7:01 p.m., which for the record is one minute past the clearly agreed-upon departure time, Bave is still standing by the kitchen door in a state of full readiness when he hears the sound of Nichelle’s voice coming from the other end of the house. Nichelle — this is not a flaw; this is simply an endearing trait — believes the house has miraculous acoustical properties that allow everyone to hear everyone else, no matter how far apart the two parties are. Bave cannot make out Nichelle’s specific words, but he knows what she’s saying: She’s saying she is “almost ready,” with the word “almost” serving as a substitute for the word “not.” Nichelle will further advise Bave of her almost-readiness at 7:04, 7:06, 7:09 and 7:11. Fortunately Bave is able to pass this time productively by staring at his iPhone clock.

At 7:14 p.m. on the dot Nichelle arrives in the kitchen, apologizing for being late and looking ready to go. Bave, momentarily forgetting everything he has learned in three decades of marriage, believes this means she is ready to go. He has even started to open the door to the garage when Nichelle says the two words Bave dreads more than any other two words in the English language except for “almost ready.” Those words are “one second.” Those are the words Nichelle uses when she needs to transfer the entire contents of one of her numerous purses into another one of her numerous purses.

Here are AI-generated images of how the two purses appear to Bave:

Yes, the purses are slightly different colors. Even Bave can see that. But they both appear to be fully capable of performing the primary purse function, namely holding 157 random mystery feminine purse things. So Bave wonders: Is it absolutely necessary to change purses right now? In a time-critical situation? With a movie to get to? When they are already behind schedule? Is the minor color difference that important?

These questions are clanging like a firebell in Bave’s brain, but he does not speak them aloud, because this subject has come up before, and he knows that Nichelle’s answer will be YES IT’S IMPORTANT, for reasons almost certainly related to shoes, another topic Bave has learned, through harsh experience, to just shut up about.

So Nichelle transfers 157 items between the two virtually identical purses, a process that, for the record, does not take “one second.” It in fact takes, according to Bave’s iPhone clock, 180 seconds, which is longer than all but the most egregious performances of the National Anthem. During this time Bave remains standing by the kitchen door, not saying anything and VERY CALMLY REMAINING OUTWARDLY CALM, although the truth is that if, at that moment, the Strait of Hormuz were to suddenly materialize in the kitchen, Bave would probably seize it.

By the time Bave and Nichelle enter the garage, it is 7:18 p.m., meaning they are now 18 minutes behind schedule. Once they are seated in the car and buckled up, Bave considers telling Nichelle, as a humorous prank, that they have to switch to the other car, so that when Nichelle asks why, he could answer: “Because this car doesn’t go with my shoes.” Ha ha!

But as hilarious as that prank would be, Bave resists executing it, because he sincerely wishes to remain married, and — more important — they are behind schedule. Fortunately they are able to make it to the theater in time for the scheduled start of their movie, which means that, before their movie actually begins, they are able to enjoy 40 minutes of crudely made advertisements for local businesses, each one repeated at least four times, as well as trailers for several dozen movies that they do not plan to see and that will not be in theaters until Christmas of 2028 anyway. So the truth is that, in this one instance, the delayed departure was not an issue. But it could have been.

My point is this: It’s true that if we ever have a global thermonuclear war that destroys the planet and obliterates all of human civilization, it will definitely be caused by men. But women can also be annoying.

And here’s something else to consider: There’s an evolutionary reason why the sexes behave the way they do. For countless millennia, it has been the role of women to bear children and nurture them and remember their names and just generally be thoughtful. But the men could not afford to be nurturing and thoughtful. The men had to go out into the untamed wilderness and compete with vicious predators such as tigers to provide food for their families. If you are thoughtfully nurturing in that environment, you are Purina Tiger Chow™. So men HAD to be aggressive and violent.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “OK, but that was thousands of years ago. Men don’t face that kind of deadly physical danger today.”

Oh really? You don’t think so? Well perhaps you’ll feel differently when I show you the first page of the owner’s manual for the Weber Genesis™ gas grill I recently purchased to replace the old one, which over the course of years of heavy use without cleaning had metastasized from a recognizable cooking appliance into a large mass of rust and carbonized meat goo. Here’s the first page of the owner’s manual for my new grill, with the key words circled in red:

What do you notice? That’s right: This grill is incredibly dangerous. Every time I go out into the untamed wilderness of my patio to provide food for my family by cooking Bubba Burgers™, I am literally taking my life in my hands. Granted, this is mainly because I never actually read the owner’s manual. But that is another result of evolution. In prehistoric times, a man hunting in a tiger-infested wilderness could not risk being distracted for even a few seconds by reading the manual that came with his spear (WARNING: Do not use spear to puncture your own self). This is why, even today, men instinctively disregard safety warnings, as well as, to be on the safe side, cleaning instructions. We take these risks because that is how we have evolved as protectors of, and providers for, our families, who are blissfully unaware of the peril we are facing out on the patio with a literal ticking propane death bomb while they enjoy their comfortable and safe indoor environment surrounded by nonexploding appliances such as toasters. We men don’t ask for, nor do we expect, their thanks. We know they have other matters on their minds, such as managing their multiple redundant purses.

My point is that we men have our problems, too. But you don’t hear us complaining about them, as serious as they are. Take, for example, the stark decline in the average length of the zipper fly on men’s pants. Ask any man who wears pants: The flies are getting smaller. It’s not clear why this is happening, but as this scientific graph suggests, it could be related to another alarming trend:

Source: Science

Granted, zipper shrinkage may also be affecting women, but it’s definitely a bigger problem for men. For a woman, the zipper is a convenient means to loosen garments so they’re easier to put on and remove. But for a man, the zipper is a critical passageway. It is — to use a metaphor — the man’s personal Strait of Hormuz. If his tanker cannot pass freely through, he could find himself in a nightmare situation, such as God forbid a public restroom in a sporting arena that sells beer, with numerous overcapacity tankers backed up behind him.

So zipper shrinkage is a huge and emotionally devastating problem for men, but — again — you don’t hear us complaining about it, or calling for a congressional hearing. Although there definitely should be one, featuring a group of nervous zipper-company executives being grilled mercilessly by our most crotchety (har!) United States senator.

But — again — I’m not complaining. I’m merely saying that men have issues, too. We just don’t go on and on about them on Substack. So I’ll shut up now and open the floor to my generous paying subscribers, who make this whole operation possible. Please don’t hold that against them.

Today we have four scientific polls: