Influencers at Sea

Nearly risking everything for you

This is just a short breaking Substack to bring you up to speed on the near-tragedy that we almost potentially had here in Miami over the weekend.

What happened, according to the Miami Herald, was that a yacht carrying 32 social-media influencers sank near Miami Beach. Unfortunately, they all survived.

No! Sorry! I of course mean fortunately they all survived. The yacht was in only nine feet of water, which is 12,491 feet shallower than the water where the Titanic sank. Also they were close to land, and the Coast Guard was nearby.

US Coast Guard

But still, it makes you think about the physical risks that our influencers take on our behalf in their selfless efforts to influence us by taking pictures of themselves making pouty faces in front of scenic views.

According to the Herald, the yacht they were on was a 63-foot Tecnomar Lamborghini, named TNT, which was "a limited edition yacht made in collaboration between Italian boat maker Tecnomar Yachts and Italian sports car manufacturer Lamborghini."

Why did it sink? Far be it from me to speculate, but perhaps the problem is that Lamborghini -- follow me closely here -- is a car company. Cars, as a general rule, do not float. If we're being honest, Lamborghinis don't function all that well on land; if you drive one over an acorn, you're going to need $23,000 worth of suspension repair. Maybe Tecnomar Yachts should have collaborated with a more buoyant product, such as pool noodles, or Katie Ledecky.

Another possible causal factor in the near-tragedy was that the yacht was way over its capacity, which, according to the Herald, is 12 people. So with 32 influencers on board, you're talking a lot of extra weight, including an estimated eight metric tons of lip gloss. (For more on influencers and lip gloss, I strongly urge you to visit a website called "Influencer Hero," which has a list of the "Top 90 Lip Gloss Influencers in the US." Yes: the Top 90. You probably think I'm making this up.)

The good news was, the influencers did not panic when near-tragedy struck; they remained calm and continued courageously taking selfies. The Herald states that "Former Miss America participant Regan Hartley was seen holding a $350 bottle of Clase Azul Gold Tequila as the yacht’s passengers were moved to safety."

That's right: If not for the bravery and quick thinking of Regan Hartley (Miss New Hampshire 2011; also, according to her website, "Singer/Songwriter, Actress, Model, Anti-bullying activist, and Inspirational Speaker") we might have lost the Clase Azul Gold.

So we dodged a bullet this time. But the fact remains that had the circumstances been completely different, we might have come close to almost nearly risking the potential loss of 32 influencers, which would have reduced our nation's strategic influencer reserve to a little over 47 million.

Clearly, something needs to be done. I will leave it to you paying subscribers to decide what.