Ask Mister Language Person
You'll be sorry.
Today we are pleased to announce the return of Mister Language Person, the only leading grammar authority to have been recognized by both Walmart and the American Society of English Teachers on Drugs.
We're bringing Mister Language Person out of retirement because this nation is in the midst of a serious literacy crisis. How serious is it? Consider this alarming statistic: When 5,000 U.S. high-school students recently took a standardized test measuring their knowledge of basic English grammar, nobody could figure out how to score it, because we also have a math crisis. But it was probably pretty bad.
We say this because every day we see signs of the steep decline in our national language skills: Terrible grammar, run-on sentences, misspellings, insanely random capitalization… and that's just from the president! (Click arrow for sound effect:)
But seriously, it's bad. Which is why we, as a nation, are fortunate to have an authority as authoritative as Mister Language Person on hand to enlighten us by answering the following common grammar and usage questions, all of which were submitted by actual Substack readers just like you except that they are imaginary.
Our first common question is one that we get literally a billion times a day:
Q. What does "literally" mean?
A. In grammatical terms, "literally" is an interjunctive superlatory, and as such it is used to denote that something literal has transpired, as in this example:
Doreen was literally decimated when Roger broke wind during their vows.
Q. In the song "Mister Bojangles" by the late, great Jerry Jeff Walker, the lyrics to verse four state, quote: "The dog up and died." Does that mean the dog did two separate things? That is, did the dog up, and then die? In which case shouldn't it be "The dog upped and died?"
A. We checked via a spiritual medium with Mr. Walker, who informs us that what he actually meant to write was "The dog threw up and died."
Q. I am a western cowpoke, and I would like to know which of the following wordings is correct:
Me and Hank is fixin' to skedaddle.
Or:
Hank and me is fixin' to skedaddle.
A. Are you and Hank consenting adults?
Q. You are darned tooting.
A. Then it is none of Mister Language Person’s business.
Q. As an employee of a large company or organization who is required to attend many meetings, I want to know the correct corporate way to tell people to for God's sake just shut up about something.
A. The correct corporate wording is "Let's circle back on that."
Q. What if they actually try to circle back on it?
A. Then you say "Let's put a pin in that and touch base later."
Q. What does that even mean?
A. Nobody knows.
Q. But then what if they actually want to "touch base" later?
A. You may have to tase them.
Q. I am confused about when to use "your" and when to use "you're."
A. That's because your an idiot.
Q. I'm an air traffic controller, and I need to know which is correct: "Whoopsy-daisy" or "Whoops-a-daisy." Please answer as soon as possible.
A. The correct...
Q. Too late.
A. Oopsie daisy.
Q. Do I need to refrigerate ketchup and mustard?
A. No.
Q. I'm a college student, and for a class I'm taking I need to turn in a 1,000-word paper on a book. My question is, do I need to tell Chat GPT the actual name of the book? If so, how do I find out what it is?
A. We submitted your question to Chat GPT, which replied that it does in fact need the book title, and listed five ways to find out what it is, including (really) "Ask your professor or classmates."
Q. That seems like a lot of work.
A. We know, right? Maybe just get a doctor's note.
Q. Why do we say "pitted olives" when we mean olives without pits, but when we say "glazed doughnuts," we mean doughnuts with glaze, and when we say "iced coffee," we mean coffee with ice, and when we say "salted peanuts," we...
A. Let's circle back on that.
Q. What is the correct usage of the expression "lone behold?"
A. It is correctly used as follows: "Todd lifted up his shirt, and lone behold he had a semi-detached nipple."
This concludes today's rendition of Ask Mister Language Person. If you have a question about grammar or word usage, please write it down and store it in a cool, dry place away from direct sunlight. Also if you're a paying subscriber, you can participate in the scientific poll, as well as express your views in the comments. We ask only that you not split your — or anybody else's — infinitives.
Mr. Language Person always has funny joke’s.
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