Welcome.

When people hear that I'm starting a Substack, the question they always ask is: "Dave Barry? Isn't he dead?"

I'm delighted to report that the answer is: Not yet! I'm still alive, and along with an estimated 85 percent of the Earth's population, I have a Substack, which I invite you to subscribe to.

In case you've never heard of me despite the fact that I'm a formerly semi-famous writer, here's some background:

For many years I wrote a syndicated humor column that appeared in more than 500 newspapers. I wrote about a wide variety of topics, such as dogs, the federal government, and the time I picked up my son at middle school in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, which was horrendously embarrassing for him but a lot of fun for me.

(Rob is in his forties now and has mostly recovered from this trauma.)

My column won me a Pulitzer Prize for Distinguished Commentary, which is pretty funny if you look up "distinguished" in the dictionary, but at this point it's too late for the Pulitzer judges to take it back.

In 2005 I stopped writing a weekly column, after which the newspaper industry -- draw your own conclusions from this -- collapsed. I've continued to write books, and every year I write a massive Year in Review, which is wildly popular with everyone except the people who hate it.

But I've missed writing columns, which is why I started this Substack. I will use it to comment on the major issues of the day, ranging all the way from stories about snakes showing up in people's toilets to stories about completely different scary things showing up in people’s toilets. I will sometimes even write about issues that are totally unrelated to toilets. That is how wide-ranging this Substack will be.

My plan is to write at least once a week, although sometimes I may write more, and sometimes less. I also plan to post actual news items sent in by readers, as I did for years on my blog. I plan to occasionally do chats, and I may even do podcasts or interviews with my famous minor-celebrity friends if I can get them to return my phone calls. Also I'll publish the Year in Review here.

So that's the plan. I’m hoping to build a community of civic-minded people with a sincere interest in reading about and discussing useless and often wildly inaccurate things instead of doing something productive. Kind of like Congress, but without a dress code. If you'd like to be part of it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about subscribing

Q. Who frequently asks these questions?

A. Nobody. I’m making them up.

Q. Why is it called a “Substack?”

A. Nobody knows.

Q. So far this is not helpful at all.

A. That’s not even a question.

Q. OK, how much does a paid subscription to your Substack cost?

A. Eleven million dollars.

Q. Whoa. That’s expensive!

A. You drive a hard bargain! But OK, for you let’s make it $5 a month, or $50 a year. Here’s a good way to look at it: Subscribing to my Substack will cost you less per month than you are probably already spending per year on food and shelter!

Q. That does seem reasonable.

A. Yes.

Q. But wait a minute: Don’t you already have a blog that people can see for free?

A. Yes. But the blog has been mostly links to weird news items sent in by readers. The Substack will have some of those, but it will also have much more writing from me, and more interaction between me and subscribers. The blog has always been something I did in my spare time, when I wasn't working on something else, usually a book. The Substack will be my main focus, essentially my day job.

Q. What will I get for my $5 a month?

A. You’ll get everything I post on Substack emailed to you. You’ll be able to comment on posts and participate in chats and surveys. You’ll have access to the archives. Above all, you’ll belong to an elite community — a community where such famous boldfaced names as Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise, Lionel Messi, Elvis Presley and King Charles III can be found in the list of Frequently Asked Questions.

Q. What if I don’t want to pay?

A. Burly men will barge into your home and confiscate your major appliances. Nothing bad will happen to you. You can still see my Substack posts, though you won’t be able to comment on posts or participate in chats.

Q. OK, so how do I subscribe?

A. You click this button: