Valentine's Day
A guide for men.
Listen up, men: Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.
I realize that some of you — maybe most of you — did not see it coming. You’re like: “What? Valentine’s Day AGAIN?”
Yes, again. You men seem to have trouble grasping the fact that Valentine’s Day happens every single year, as do certain other occasions on which you, as a man, are expected to surprise your “special someone” with a thoughtful romantic mandatory gesture, including her birthday, Christmas/Chanukkah, Mother’s Day, your wedding anniversary, the anniversaries of various other major life events such as your first date that you frankly don’t remember but she definitely does, and any time when you need to brighten her mood by giving her flowers and a card that says, simply: “I’m sorry.” (Never mind for what. She’ll think of something.)
In other words, to be a man in a relationship is to be like Lucy and Ethel in the classic “I Love Lucy” candy-factory episode, wherein the gals try desperately to keep up as the candies come at them faster and faster on the conveyor belt...
...except that instead of candies, the conveyor belt is bringing you men an endless procession of occasions requiring thoughtful romantic gestures on your part. And right now Valentine’s Day is coming at you fast, so you need to stop your whining and develop an action plan for tomorrow.
Step One is to make a reservation at a nice restaurant for a sophisticated and romantic time such as 8 p.m. That will be for Valentine’s Day 2027. For this year, you’re WAY too late to get a romantic time slot, but the restaurant might be able to squeeze you in for the 4:45 p.m. “Total Loser” seating. Make sure the restaurant has a Special Valentine’s Day Menu, meaning the management has tripled the prices and replaced all the identifiable foods such as cheeseburgers with dishes that look like this:
Perhaps you’re thinking: “What is that? It looks like somebody attacked a veggie platter with a weed whacker.”
For your information, that is an actual dish created by a famous chef, and according to Oprah.com, it is, quote, “The Most Gorgeous Food You’ll Ever See.” This dish represents a style of trendy modern “haute cuisine” (French, meaning, literally, “hors d’oeuvres”) wherein the chef pays great attention to “plating,” or arranging the various food parts (”partes de food”) on the plate so as to create maximum visual artistry as measured by the total number of dollars the chef can charge you per grape. This dish is so visually artistic that you should not even attempt to eat it. You should just sit there in the restaurant admiring it, then ask the waiter for a doggie bag (”bagge du chien”) so you can take it home and keep it in a terrarium, where it will serve as a tasteful lizard habitat.
Here’s another example of modern artistic cuisine that I am not making up, created by another famous chef. It’s a pigeon dish, but it’s not made from one of those lowlife New York City pigeons that live on a diet of cigarette butts and used Kleenex. It’s made from an upscale French pigeon, and it is prepared thusly:
This dish makes an artistic culinary statement, specifically: “The pigeon is dead, but it is nevertheless reaching up from the grave in an effort to poke out your eyeball.” As the French say: “Yumme!”
At this point you men may be thinking: “Dave, these haute cuisine dishes look expensive. Is there a restaurant where I can take my special someone on Valentine’s Day that is more affordable, yet still offers the possibility of romantic excitement in the form of being suspended in a sling over a prize pit?”
Yes, there is. That restaurant is Dave & Buster’s (or as the French say, “Le Dave et Le Buster’s”) which is running a Valentine’s Day promotion involving the Human Crane, which is a giant version of an arcade claw machine. For $25 you get to dangle from a crane and try to grab a prize.
Usually the prize is a cheap inflatable toy, but for the Valentine’s Day promotion Dave & Buster’s is putting three-carat diamond rings in the Human Crane prize pits at five select locations in New York and California. So if you happen to be a guy living in a select location, and you’re looking to impress a special lady by giving her an opportunity to dangle for a chance to win a $15,000 diamond ring or (this is much more likely) a cheap inflatable toy, AND you prefer a dinner menu that does not feature a threatening pigeon extremity, then this is definitely the way to go.
Which brings us to the question of what kind of Valentine’s Day gift you men need to purchase for your special someone.
“No problem!” you’re thinking. “I’ll just stop at the drugstore or supermarket and buy her a box of chocolates and some flowers wrapped in plastic with the price sticker clearly visible!”
That’s a great idea! Then you can stop by the Time Travel store and go back to 1997, when these would be acceptable gifts for Valentine’s Day!
Please forgive my sarcasm, men, but you need to understand that this is 2026. Because of a phenomenon scientists call Holiday Bloatification, which is caused by global climate change, every holiday has become a much bigger deal than it used to be, which is why for example Halloween currently lasts two months. So for Valentine’s Day, you men will have to do better than supermarket chocolates and flowers. You need to give your special someone a gift that requires MUCH more thoughtfulness, by which I mean money.
What specific gift should you buy? For objective advice on this topic, let’s turn to Martha Stewart, who suggests that you give your special someone, to show your undying romantic passion: a pot. Really. As Martha states in this Page Six article, “Good cookware is an essential part of celebrating Valentine’s Day at home.” By fortunate coincidence, Martha happens to have a line of Valentine-themed cookware for sale, including this cast-iron Dutch oven:
What makes this pot a romantic Valentine’s Day gift, instead of a boring ho-hum cooking vessel, is that it’s pink and heart-shaped, so that when you give it to your special someone, she will want to have sex with you right there on the kitchen floor. If you really want to “wow” her, you could also give her the Martha Stewart limited-edition Valentine-themed “Thinking of You” commode set.
Ha ha! I am of course joking around with the help of AI. Martha Stewart does not sell Valentine-themed toilet brushes. Although if she does start selling them, we’ll know where she got the idea.
Speaking of sex: The New York Times Wirecutter website ran a list of “The 42 Best Valentine’s Day Gifts for Her” and one of the suggestions is the Sex Deck. This is a deck of cards, “co-authored by a British National Health Service doctor,” which depict 50 different sexual positions for you and your partner to try based on your “anatomy, flexibility and preferences.” Yes! Fifty positions. Although one Amazon reviewer wrote: “We have seen a few positions that honestly, you would have to be an acrobat to really get into them.”
But assuming you know a good orthopedic surgeon, the Sex Deck might be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to “reignite the flame” in your relationship. Because over time, relationships can get stuck in ruts. Back in December I was waiting for a flight at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport when a middle-aged couple sat down next to me and had the following terse conversation:
MAN: It says our flight is on time.
WOMAN: I know.
MAN: I know you know. You know everything.
After that, they sat in audibly hostile silence until it was time to board the plane. Clearly the sparkle was gone from their relationship. I’m wondering if the Sex Deck could bring it back, so that instead of sniping at each other, they could be having erotic conversations like this:
MAN (reading card): OK, to do the Backwards Wheelbarrow, you’re supposed to...
WOMAN: I know.
MAN: I know you kn… Wait a minute! HOW DO YOU KNOW THE BACKWARDS WHEELBARROW?
So on second thought, maybe the Sex Deck is not the ideal gift for every relationship. But my overall point is this: Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and many of you men are not ready. So right now is the time for you to get busy with your plans to make it a very special day for your very special someone, a day she will never forget.
Or at least you should take the price sticker off the flowers.
And now, speaking of special someones, it’s time to hear from you paying subscribers.
When I read the words “sex deck” I thought it might refer to a special deck added to the back (or front, if you prefer) of the house. I suppose that would be one way to get to know your new neighbors.
The best Valentine's Day Joke ever:
His wife told him that tomorrow, she expects to see something that goes from 0 to 260 in less than a minute in the driveway.
The next morning, she found in her driveway a brand new scale.
They are still finding intestines as far away as Vancouver.