Before I get to today's topic, which is the increasing likelihood that you, personally, will be killed by a shark, here's a final update on my recent vacation trip to Idaho (the Nothing To See Here State):
One morning we were taking a hike, admiring the scenery, when we encountered a picturesque sheep herd. It consisted of 1,200 head of sheep, which were being protected from predators by seven head of dog. The dogs, sensing that our group was not a threat to eat a sheep unless it was in the form of a lamb chop, did not even bother to stand up.
For their part, the sheep were wandering around eating the vegetation and immediately pooping it right back out again, a process known as "photosynthesis." They looked pretty disorganized, so I tried to give them some coaching.
The sheep were not receptive. That's the problem with sheep today. They think they already know everything.
But enough about Idaho. Just forget about Idaho, OK? Right now you need to focus on (speaking of predators) the imminent shark threat to you personally.
I found out about this threat from a news story in Garden & Gun, a magazine devoted to the Southern lifestyle, which, as the name suggests, involves both gardens and guns. Down in the South we southerners enjoy nothing more, after three or four bourbons, than going out to our gardens with our legally purchased firearms and shooting some tomatoes for dinner. (We don't shoot the zucchini, because that only makes them mad.)
Anyway, according to the article, a man named Jonathan Marlowe was playing disc golf with some friends on a course in Myrtle Beach, S.C., when a hammerhead shark fell out of the sky. It was dropped by an osprey, which is a fish-eating raptor that can have a wingspan of nearly six feet.
Here's a photo of Marlowe holding the shark:
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Dave, that's a very small shark. I'm not afraid of that!"
Oh really, Captain Ahab? Let me ask you something: If you were going to the bathroom, and you happened to glance down into the commode, and you saw this specific hammerhead shark swimming around in the bowl, would your reaction be to calmly remark upon how small it was? Please do not make me laugh. You would sprint from the room shrieking like a small child who has caught sight of a birthday-party clown. I know I would.
My point is not that an osprey is likely to drop a hammerhead shark into your toilet, although as a precaution you should always leave the lid down. My point is that any shark encounter, regardless of the size of the shark, can be traumatic. And while I would love to be able to tell you that the disc-golf-course incident was a one-of a-kind fluke (Har!) occurrence that probably will never happen again, I cannot. Here’s a 2020 YouTube video showing an osprey catching what appears to be a shark and carrying it over a busy beach. And here's a 2018 article, which also happens to be from Garden & Gun, with a photograph of an osprey carrying a shark that is still holding a fish in its mouth and probably wondering, to the extent that sharks can wonder, what the hell is happening. (If Garden & Gun doesn't win a Pulitzer Prize for its coverage of the osprey/shark situation, I'm going to set fire to mine, assuming I can find it.)
So to summarize the facts as we know them: For some time now, ospreys — which by the way are not governed by any federal safety regulations — have been routinely flying over populated areas carrying sharks. And lately they have started dropping them.
In professional journalism, this is what we call a Trend. And it's going to get worse, because of — you guessed it — Global Climate Change, which as everyone knows makes everything worse, as shown in this scientific graph:
What does this graph mean, in layperson’s terms? It means, according to leading scientists whom I have not spoken to personally but who could very well exist, that in the near future we could see more ospreys, and potentially much bigger ospreys — ospreys the size of, but more reliable than, Boeing commercial aircraft — transporting far larger sharks across far greater distances, potentially dropping them as far inland as Wichita.
Perhaps you recall the 2013 film, written by a visionary screenwriter named (really) Thunder Levin, titled Sharknado, in which the city of Los Angeles, because of a catastrophic climate event, is besieged by a horde of extremely irate airborne sharks. We all laughed at that movie, as well as the five sequels. But we are not laughing now — not with the realization that, according to Science, scenes like this could soon become a commonplace reality:
Perhaps you think you'll be safe, because of where you happen to live. You are mistaken. No place will be safe.
This is the frightening future we face, according to Science. So are we, as a society, doing anything to prevent it? Tragically, we are not. Instead we’re obsessing over an ad campaign for jeans featuring Sydney Sweeney. I know I am. And that is disgraceful.
What can you, personally, do about this? If you’re a paying subscriber, you can take this scientific poll, and you can offer your thoughts in the comments. Please refrain from idle speculation, baseless claims and fearmongering. There is no room for those. Not here on Substack.
From the get go, I haven’t started reading this yet but your President has been in Scotland this week and you can bet your life I’m offended.
You’re gonna need a bigger Substack!!