The Rudeness Rankings

We're number one!

So an outfit called “Preply” did a survey to determine which U.S. cities are the rudest. You probably think New York won, right?

Wrong. New York didn't even participate. New York told the Preply surveyors to go f**k themselves.

No, not really. New York participated in the survey, and, incredibly, it came in 21st, behind Sacramento.

Seriously: Sacramento.

This is sad. There was a time when nobody out-ruded New York, a time when the amount of rudeness generated in ten minutes by the occupants of any randomly selected New York City subway car easily surpassed the total annual rudeness output of the entire population of Iowa.

But now, according to Preply — and if we can’t believe Preply, which according to Wikipedia is “an online, language-learning marketplace that connects learners and tutors by using a machine-learning-powered algorithm” whatever that means, who can we believe? — New York is less rude than Sacramento, which (a) doesn’t even have a subway and (b) is an anagram for “Camera Snot.”

What explains New York’s steep decline? If I had to speculate, as a longtime subscriber to The New York Times, I’d say the most likely culprit is Global Climate Change. But whatever the reason, when it comes to rudeness, the “Big Apple” is no longer “top banana.” (I am a trained humor professional. Do not attempt this kind of wordplay at home.)

So what city is the now the rudest, according to Preply?

Miami.

That’s right: My town, the city I moved to in 1986 from Philadelphia, is now the rudest city in America. Guess what city is ranked second-rudest.

Philadelphia.

So as it happens, I’m quite familiar with what Preply says are the two rudest cities in the nation. I won’t dispute their rankings, but I do want to defend them a little bit.

First, Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. Yes, it can be rowdy at times. But it can also be a friendly and welcoming town — the kind of town where total strangers, without expecting repayment of any kind, will gladly lend a hand if you need help overturning a vehicle occupied by people rooting for an opposing sports team. Sure, Philadelphians sometimes cross the fine line between civic pride and felony assault. But keep in mind that Philadelphia has 1.5 million residents. Let's not judge all of them by the actions of approximately 1.3 million of them!

Now for Miami, my home for almost 40 years. Why are we ranked as the rudest city in America?

One possible explanation is that in the past few years we've had a massive influx of new residents from, you guessed it, New York.

But I think there's more to it than that. To understand why, let's look at the Preply chart ranking the kinds of behavior that Americans consider to be most rude:

Note the emphasis on noise. Americans really don’t like loud noise, especially in shared spaces. So I can see why Miami gets poor marks. We are a loud city. We routinely get phone calls from cities as far away as Atlanta telling us to keep it down. But we can't help it! We're a high-energy town! We're predominantly Latin, and we love to party. We will throw wild all-night bashes to celebrate pretty much any special occasion, including Arbor Day and sunset.

Also — do not underestimate the significance of this — down here we drink Cuban coffee. This is not the kind of coffee regular Americans drink. Cuban coffee is to American coffee as James Brown is to Barry Manilow.

My daughter, Sophie, used to play club soccer, which meant that early on many Saturday mornings we team parents found ourselves sitting, bleary-eyed, on lawn chairs next to soccer fields. Most of the dads were Cuban, and usually one of them would bring Cuban coffee for the rest of us. He carried it in a single foam cup, from which he poured individual shots into tiny paper cups. So we're talking about a very small amount of liquid. But within minutes after ingesting it we parents were transformed from listless sleep-deprived zombies into deeply involved soccer fanatics, shouting at our daughters (“KICK THE BALL! KICK THE BALL!! KICK IT!!! NO THE OTHER WAY!!!!”) and explaining to the idiot referee that any opposing player who scored a goal was OFFSIDE WHAT ARE YOU BLIND?? despite the fact that we had no earthly idea what "offside" means. Some of us would be unable to sleep until the following Thursday. That is the potency of Cuban coffee, the formula for which we must pray never falls into the hands of Iran.

So, yes, Miami is loud. Miamians are also guilty of other rude behaviors listed on the Preply chart, especially the ones involving driving. As I noted in a previous Substack about why kiosks suck, Miami drivers tend to be aggressive. Some years ago, when I worked for the Miami Herald Sunday magazine, Tropic, we created a bumper sticker for people who have to drive on Miami roads:

I cannot say that this campaign was effective, although in Miami's defense, sometimes we'll have an entire day go by down here without a single gunfire-related traffic mishap.

Anyway, bottom line, maybe Miami does have a rudeness problem. So on behalf of my city, I apologize, and I give you my solemn word that we will try to do better. (Note: I am lying.) But if you ask me, as a person who has been around for nearly 163 years, this whole danged country has a rudeness problem.

To pick just one example: Let's say you go to a sporting event or concert in an arena. You take your seat, which has been provided so that you can sit while you enjoy the game or performance. But it turns out you can't do that, because you got stuck sitting behind one of those, pardon my French, assholes who feel the need to prove what Big Fans they are by standing — not just for the exciting moments, when everybody stands, but for the ENTIRE TIME EVEN WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS SITTING DOWN. Which means that if you want to see anything, you have to stand up, which means the people behind you have to stand up, and the people behind them, and so on in a Rudeness Cascade that ruins the experience for many people.

You could ask the asshole to sit down, but you (and by "you," I mean "I") prefer to avoid confrontation, and there's a good chance the asshole will refuse anyway, because, as we have noted, he's an asshole. So what can be done?

The most practical solution — this has probably already occurred to you — would be to install trapdoors on the floor in front of every seat in the arena. If a few Big Fans insisted on standing when everyone else was sitting, a trained Rudeness Coordinator, seated in an observation booth high overhead, would push a button, and all the trapdoors would open. The people sitting in their seats would be unaffected. As for what happens to the Big Fans, let me just say, as a person who is not without human compassion: Whatever.

That's just one idea I had for how we can Make America Polite Again (MAPA). I'm sure you high-IQ paying subscribers can come up with other practical measures in the comments. Meanwhile, here's a scientific poll: