The Masters
A Golf Thing Like No Other Golf Thing.
Get ready, sports fans, because we're coming up on one of the most exciting events on the sports calendar, as measured by the total number of people in big shorts shouting at small inanimate objects.
That's right: It's almost time for the Masters, the most hallowed tournament in all of golf.
Q. How hallowed is it?
A. If it was any more hallowed, the winner would be declared pope.
Why is the Masters such a big deal? To coin a phrase: Tradition. In the iconic trademarked words of Jim Nantz, who has been the voice of the Masters on CBS since television was invented, the Masters has, quote, "tradition out the wazoo."
One hallowed tradition, shown in the photo below being demonstrated by the legendary Jack Nicklaus during the iconic 1966 Masters, is that any golfer who scores a double bogey — or, in golf terminology, a "nine iron" — must perform a traditional Scottish Highland Reel with his caddy.
This tradition pays tribute to golf's ancient roots in Scotland, where the sport was invented in 1457 by some Scotsmen who were looking for an activity that did not involve their wives. Their equipment was primitive: For the "club" they used a tree branch; for the "tee" they used a pile of dirt; and for the "ball" they used a golf ball, which had been invented 50 years earlier but nobody knew what it was for.
These first golfers played their new sport on a "course" consisting of a cow pasture, where they would whack the ball around until it was time to get hammered (9:30 a.m.). Golf gradually gained in popularity, but it didn't really take off until 150 years later, when somebody came up with the innovation that truly revolutionized the sport: Holes. This new wrinkle meant that, for the first time, it was possible to keep score, as well as cheat. And thus the modern sport of golf was born.
Since then golf has become one of the most popular sports in the world, ranking behind only soccer, basketball, baseball, football, pickleball, cornhole and maybe eight or nine other sports.
What accounts for the popularity of golf? In a word: It is extremely challenging. The truth is that almost everybody who tries it sucks at first. But it's also true that if you're persistent — if you take the time to really study the game; if you take lessons, put in the hours on the driving range and play hundreds of rounds — you will reach a point where you realize that you still suck. You will always suck. This is why so many golfers decide that they might as well start getting hammered while they’re actually on the golf course, something you rarely see in less challenging sports such as the pole vault.
And that is what makes the Masters so iconic. Only the best golfers in the world are invited to this very exclusive tournament.
Q. How exclusive is it?
A. It's so exclusive that from 1934 through 1948 only one golfer, the legendary Gene Sarazen, was deemed good enough to compete, the result being that he won the Masters 14 consecutive times despite wearing capri pants and often not even bothering to use a ball.
Once the Masters started inviting golfers other than Gene, it became more competitive. The result was many dramatic and iconic moments, such as the final round of the 1980 tournament, when the legendary Severiano "Severiano Ballesteros" Ballesteros of Spain forgot to bring his golf clubs but still managed to win by swatting the ball around the course with his hat.
Then there was the legendary 1983 Masters, when heavy rains drenched the course, ultimately resulting in the controversial decision by the Rules Committee (seen here holding an umbrella) to prohibit golfers from using kayaks.
And nobody will ever forget the iconic 1997 Masters, when a little-known youngster named "Tiger" Woods — who had just turned pro, and who had never won a major tournament — forever changed the sport by parking a truck on top of the right hand of Paul Azinger, thus pinning him to the ninth green for the rest of the afternoon.
It turned out that there was nothing in the official Rules of Golf that specifically prohibited this defensive maneuver. And from that day forward, everything that had transpired before was in the past.
Yes, the Masters has produced many legendary moments. In the iconic words of Jim Nantz, the Masters is "a timeless tapestry of struggle and strategy, a theater of grit and glory played out upon the manicured perfection of this stately sun-dappled emerald stage, overseen by the towering timeworn pines that have served for so long as solemn spectators to the drama, the spectacle, and — yes — the magnificence, of grown men trying to make a little ball roll into a hole."
If that sounds as exciting to you as it does to me — and quite frankly I had a small incident in my undershorts just from typing it — then you're probably wondering how you can become part of the iconic Masters experience. Here is everything you need to know:
Frequently Asked Questions About the Masters
Q. Can I attend the Masters in person?
A. Absolutely. The Masters is a casual and fan-friendly event that welcomes "walk-ins." If you have any problems gaining entrance, simply show this Substack to the ticket person or arresting officer. It helps if you can mention that you're a paying subscriber.
Q. What should I wear to the Masters?
A. Big shorts.
Q. What about a shirt or shoes?
A. Nah.
Q. What do spectators do at the Masters?
A. They wait until a golfer hits a ball, then they yell "GET IN THE HOLE!"
Q. They yell at the ball?
A. Yes.
Q. Do they think the ball can hear them?
A. Apparently.
Q. What else do the Masters spectators do?
A. They eat iconic cheese sandwiches.
Q. Are you making that up?
A. No.
Q. How can I tell when the Masters is over?
A. It's over when they hold the Ceremony of the Green Jacket. This is an iconic prank garment that is placed on the winner, who attempts to zip it up while everybody enjoys a hearty traditional laugh.
This concludes my report on the Masters. And now it's time for you iconic paying subscribers to express your views.
Years ago, after spending a fortune on PGA clothing and high end clubs, I stopped playing golf. It was too frustrating having that windmill blade knock away my orange ball just as it neared the cup.
Golf backwards is “Flog”. I flog so well with my 9 iron that I’m in great demand for digging holes for highway repairs, unclogging sewer lines, and holes to bury deceased animals.