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Just Lil Ole Me's avatar

A local zoo had a “donate $15 to name a cockroach” fundraiser. I donated $45 and named them Donald, JD, and Elon. Best $45 I’ve ever spent.

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Amanda Bowman's avatar

you’re my new hero.

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Christina Johnson's avatar

Brilliant! But couldn’t they find a number of disgusting, despicable useless animals to name? Oh….wait, they already working in the White House through the DEI program: despicable, execrable, immoral.

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Linda McDonough's avatar

What great ideas! The fundraiser and the names!

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Marty Merzer's avatar

True story: In the late 1970s, Marion’s parents moved from something like the 200th floor of a condo in Boynton Beach to an earthbound patio home in Tamarac. Within about six minutes, our phone rings in Davie and I can hear Marion’s mother screaming: “There’s an alligator in my house!!!” Naturally, Marion’s only choice was to send me over there post haste to…you know…I really don’t know what. It’s a freaking alligator, right? Wrong. It’s a three-inch-long anole. “I got it,” I shouted triumphantly. Of course not. It’s probably still in a closet or something.

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Dave Barry's avatar

I salute your courage, sir. It could have been one of those killer anoles.

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Hannah Olufs's avatar

For a moment I thought Davie ate the phone.

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David Shombert's avatar

I note that “anole” can be viewed as a combination of the words “anus” and “hole”, thus defining a new word that is more sophisticated than the more common “a**hole” but denotes the same concept, and could be used in polite company to describe someone such as, let’s say, a President.

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Marion Serfass's avatar

Or Elon Musk, to name a particular anole.

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Bill Dunn's avatar

C'mon, let's be nice. Don't say that about Mr. Biden.

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Audrey Eve's avatar

My grandson and I meet twice a week on FaceTime and take turns reading chapters aloud, so he can practice his reading skills. Currently, we're going through as many books as we can find that Carl Hiaasen has written for kids, where we regularly encounter Floridian panthers, owls, grizzly bears, snakes, iguanas, hogs, and gators.

So, your hilarious piece on lizards, insanely large grasshoppers, peacocks, birds, etc., fit right in.

At the moment, my sympathy lies with (DEFCON1) Michelle. I'd warn against moving to Ohio, however, as I hear they're eating the cats and the dogs over there, and God knows what else.

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Elaine Nagle's avatar

People actually like to go to Florida. I do not .Many years ago, I saw reptiles everywhere.

Dave thanks for not talking about pythons because just the thought of them gives me some sort of cardiac arrest.

And, moreover, whatever you write about is helping to keep me sane. Thanks. ( sort of hard to get through a day in these times)

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Well Dave, way I see it --- as the public spirited (and I don't mean staggering out of a bar) fellow that you are --- there's nothing for it, but for you to regularly sleep outdoors in your altogether (have to pause here, to allow the image to fade) to give the mosquitos a break and save humanity, such as it exists in your neck of the woods. "Hey gang, forget lizards, we got a Pulitzer Prize guy here. Blood like a '59 Château Lafite."

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Dr. Doctor's avatar

Only problem with that is the rock agamas will have more crevices to hide in.

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Susan's avatar

I checked my cupboard, and I PERSONALLY have about half of the Tupperware items needed. Grandmas to the rescue!

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MJAtlanta's avatar

I probably have the other half! I am 70 and have been collecting it for roughly 50 years...

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Robot Bender's avatar

And none of the lids match the containers, right? 😆

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MJAtlanta's avatar

Actually, I think most of them do match. I am a little OCD I guess!

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Susan's avatar

Pretty sure they reproduce in there!

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Wade Chabassol's avatar

One solution is to call your local Immigration Customs Enforcement (ICE) office. They're under pressure to deport all illegal aliens, and Rock Amagas are the perfect quota-fulfilling solution. I bet they could pack a million of them off to Canada (Why have them stop hating us halfway?) and BOOM! Super-quota satisfaction. Michelle would be thrilled.

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Ned's avatar

I noticed that Peter's Rock Agamas, when rearranged, spells OR "MAGA CASKET REPS." So they will be performing a complementary societal function.

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Christina Johnson's avatar

As long as they are programmed to go after “red baseball hats!” (Forgive me Washington Nationals fans, but some of you may need to be sacrificed for the cause!)

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Well Dave, one good thing --- now that there are only two people left at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the lizards won't get the usual advance notice of a hurricane and they won't be able to hightail it out of town again. That'll fix 'em. Bwahaha.

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Steve Pietrowicz's avatar

When I lived in South Florida, I witnessed the lizards Dave speaks of, but just the anoles. That's because I lived in Coral Springs. Much tougher lizards live in Miami. I think they're bodyguards for the peacocks.

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Bill Dunn's avatar

When I saw your video of the birds strutting along the sidewalk, my first thought was, "Kentucky Fried Peacock." Then when I read the rest of the essay, I thought, "Lizard McNuggets." I'm not sure if a Florida-based fast food franchise is the answer to your problem, but this discussion has made me hungry, so I have to go out to my favorite restaurant and get some "kitty lo mein."

MerryCatholic.substack.com

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Amanda Bowman's avatar

That’s the perfect American response. Fried food.

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Laura Fissinger's avatar

For a dozen years I lived in Minneapolis-St Paul. The winters bring cold to the region that should kill everything, including squirrels and next summer’s supply of gestating mosquitos. But the squirrels wear flannel-lined leather jackets, and wait for the day that Elon Musk will come up to try and cut their coat budget.

And the mosquitos? The ancient joke in Minnesota claims that massive mosquitos are the state bird.

Gov. Tim Walz has issued invitations to Elon Musk, one for cold season, one for mosquito season. Either choice can do the job.

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Rebecca Walker's avatar

I’ll put any of our Charleston, SC roaches up against your Florida variety.

We call them Palmetto Bugs (capitalization deserved). Their low morals include dropping from these trees onto an unsuspecting, drink-sipping female who, when she alights on solid ground, realizes that she can swear like a sailor on leave in a questionable port.

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Joe Donatelli's avatar

Step 4 is real. The number of spiders I told my wife I removed from the bathroom and the actual numbers I successfully removed from the bathroom are not the same number.

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Phil WEBER's avatar

Maybe the Conspiracy theorists are right -- the government is being run by lizard people (Musk is Exhibit A), and you are observing their spawn, ready to take over the next generation. Does AI really mean Anole Infestation?

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