And that when you ask one person for directions and they start theirs, other people nearby will start chiming in, and soon you're so confused by all the overlapping sets of directions and distractions!
Of course you aren't, sir. Why, your last column was just complaining about TV commercials, something not associated with the elderly at all! Now please stop shaking that cane at me!
Mr. Barry, there’s a question that’s been nagging at me for a while, and now I can finally ask someone who knows: were dinosaurs really green, like they show in the movies?
The only hat rule I follow is one I was taught by my mother during my formative years which were in the 1960’s. She taught me that men shouldn’t wear red MAGA baseball hats in restaurants. I don’t know how she knew this would become a thing.
"What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets, inflamed with wild notions."
My husband tells a story about driving through rural Illinois with his aunt and uncle and getting hopelessly lost. His aunt kept hounding her husband to get directions and when she spotted a farmer on a tractor in a nearby field she yelled at her husband to stop the car. “Get out and ask that guy if he knows anything.” The uncle dutifully got out of the car and motioned to the farmer who slowly trundled over in his old tractor where the uncle said “My wife wants to know if you know anything.” The farmer answered , “Nope. I don’t guess I do.” And with that the farmer got on his tractor and drove slowly away. The uncle got back in the car and immediately his wife asked if the farmer knew anything. “No. He said he didn’t.”
I can do long division, but I was a math teacher. However, I can't seem to remember why I went into a room, or even why I switched to a different tab on my computer.
What I hate more than directions you described is when someone who has the directional skills of a homing pigeon gives me these directions: Go west 2.5 clicks on Nobbinghood Street, then go North on East Baabaablacksheep lane for 3.7 clicks,then go East on Youvegottobeshittingme Lane and you can't miss it!
"100 million sperm cells can swim around in a fallopian tube for hours and somehow fail to locate a female egg that is, relative to them, the size of Grand Central Station."
Speaking on behalf of the sperm I'd like to point out that it was dark at the time, and no one had a GPS device.
I can still do long division, but I've always liked doing it. Really. I used to do it in my head to stay awake on long cross country drives.
On the other hand, driving overnight and for up to 24 hours in a row is something that I can definitely no longer do. And not just because my knees audibly creak when I get out of the car after three and a half hours to refill the gas tank. :-(
I can still do long division, and - get this - I enjoy checking my answer with the calculator. That’s how sick I am.
In the paragraph on people giving directions, you missed the well-known “Turn left where the church used to be”.
“Go past the old landfill.”
And that when you ask one person for directions and they start theirs, other people nearby will start chiming in, and soon you're so confused by all the overlapping sets of directions and distractions!
The geezerification trend of this column continues...
Next column: "Are too many young Americans standing on my lawn"? (The answer may surprise you. It's yes.)
I AM NOT A GEEZER, CONSARN IT!
Of course you aren't, sir. Why, your last column was just complaining about TV commercials, something not associated with the elderly at all! Now please stop shaking that cane at me!
Mr. Barry, there’s a question that’s been nagging at me for a while, and now I can finally ask someone who knows: were dinosaurs really green, like they show in the movies?
Does "consarn" imply the existence of "prosarn", and what does a pro sarner do? What is sarn anyway?
Are you yelling at clouds again, Dave? 😉
The only hat rule I follow is one I was taught by my mother during my formative years which were in the 1960’s. She taught me that men shouldn’t wear red MAGA baseball hats in restaurants. I don’t know how she knew this would become a thing.
Your mom is my hero. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
"What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets, inflamed with wild notions."
- Plato, 4th Century B.C.
I can do <short division>. And write short sent
🤣🤣🤣
My husband tells a story about driving through rural Illinois with his aunt and uncle and getting hopelessly lost. His aunt kept hounding her husband to get directions and when she spotted a farmer on a tractor in a nearby field she yelled at her husband to stop the car. “Get out and ask that guy if he knows anything.” The uncle dutifully got out of the car and motioned to the farmer who slowly trundled over in his old tractor where the uncle said “My wife wants to know if you know anything.” The farmer answered , “Nope. I don’t guess I do.” And with that the farmer got on his tractor and drove slowly away. The uncle got back in the car and immediately his wife asked if the farmer knew anything. “No. He said he didn’t.”
I can do long division, but I was a math teacher. However, I can't seem to remember why I went into a room, or even why I switched to a different tab on my computer.
A classic example of an unsolvable problem is “Take this bus with me and get off three stops before I do.”
I learned that when the GPS suggests you take an alternate route that is potentially faster, it is telling everyone the same thing.
I am so happy to have discovered you on Substack. I have really missed your columns over the past several years..
In school, I used a slide rule. And while I still didn’t get the answers correctly, I LOOKED MUCH smarter!
Ooo, yes, slide rules! We are BOTH so old!
As it says in the Bible, “The smarter the phone, the dumber the user.” Or that might’ve been Highlights Magazine. Merrycatholic.substack.com
I've long resented that my smart phone is smarter than me but, I've never said it wasn't true.
of course I can do long division. But I am not Dave's age, which is, I believe, 2038.
What I hate more than directions you described is when someone who has the directional skills of a homing pigeon gives me these directions: Go west 2.5 clicks on Nobbinghood Street, then go North on East Baabaablacksheep lane for 3.7 clicks,then go East on Youvegottobeshittingme Lane and you can't miss it!
"100 million sperm cells can swim around in a fallopian tube for hours and somehow fail to locate a female egg that is, relative to them, the size of Grand Central Station."
Speaking on behalf of the sperm I'd like to point out that it was dark at the time, and no one had a GPS device.
🤣
I can still do long division, but I've always liked doing it. Really. I used to do it in my head to stay awake on long cross country drives.
On the other hand, driving overnight and for up to 24 hours in a row is something that I can definitely no longer do. And not just because my knees audibly creak when I get out of the car after three and a half hours to refill the gas tank. :-(
Or take a bathroom break.
Evolution can't be true because if it was we'd all have 40 gallon bladders.
You can sit for three and a half hours? You’re my hero!!!