109 Comments
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Janet Kaplan's avatar

Unsecured Sorbet would also be a good name for a band.

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Dave Barry's avatar

I thought about making that another poll question. Now I wish I had.

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Janet Kaplan's avatar

I actually had my comment ready before you asked.

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John E Simpson's avatar

Definitely something at the emo end of the spectrum.

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Guin's avatar

Nah, the emo band would be Insecure Sorbet.

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Linda Walker's avatar

Limpid Sorbet?

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Susie's avatar

Opening act: The Duane Reads

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Christie Smythe's avatar

Ok, I've lived in NYC for 18 years, and this is the first time I've seen a sorbet chastity belt. Wild.

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Dave Barry's avatar

We also were surprised. Maybe it's just the mango?

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wiredog's avatar

I hear mangos are *very* promiscuous.

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wiredog's avatar

I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted when I was in the Army. Luckily the oral surgeon was a reservist doing his 2 week summer camp, so I got civilian level care. Including the painkillers that would have knocked out a horse, and were certainly sized for that. For some reason my CO decided I was fit to go on a field exercise carrying my M-16 and ammo. Fortunately I was too stoned on the painkillers to do much more sit on the back of a deuce and a half and drool.

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Susan Bodiker's avatar

These columns are a reason to live.

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Ray Cabarga's Break from Hell's avatar

Not a good reason.

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Susie's avatar

Yyyeeeeeeesssssss!!! I was looking for the right words and you found them! Reason. To. Live. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

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Roger Beal's avatar

Were the bagels and lox under locks? HA.

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Laurence Brevard's avatar

Locks and bagels

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Kerry Batchelder's avatar

Lox in box would you eat it in a box? Or with a fox? I’ll probably get Dr Seussed for posting this.

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Actually, there's loxed and loaded.

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Kerry Batchelder's avatar

Loaded lox is soaked in 100 proof vodka…

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Roger Beal's avatar

ISWYDT, Dale .... HA!

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David Shombert's avatar

Yes, it’d be a great band name. But before long, the Doobie Brothers would sue you.

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Matt Crosby's avatar

Here in Michigan, we legalized the “Doobie” in 2018. Now, every parking lot smells like a skunk convention that got run over by a Winnebago.

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Janet Kaplan's avatar

I'm also in MI and was not looking forward to that but surprised at how non skunky it's been. Gummies saved our snouts.

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Ash's avatar

Funny, the New York Times keeps assuring us the city and subway are perfectly safe, such as this actual headline which we are not making up: "Police Seek Man Who They Say Violated a Corpse on an R Train:

New York’s subways have been the subject of debate, with politicians using them to paint the city as out of control and dangerous to residents and visitors"

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/10/nyregion/nyc-subway-corpse-sex.html?smid=nytcore-android-share

Oh those politicians painting the image! Of course the city is perfectly safe! Now please unlock the water bottle display case so I can take a drink of water and purchase new underwear.

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Ray Cabarga's Break from Hell's avatar

Sounds like a victimless crime.

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Except for those reading about it. Although apart from the occasional moue of disapproval from fellow New Yorkers, necrophilia is a Class A misdemeanor punishable by up to 364 days in the slammer, a possible fine and non-stop talk show appearances.

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Ray Cabarga's Break from Hell's avatar

That’s the real crime, the interviews on Jimmy Kimmel! haha!

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Christie Smythe's avatar

So much going on in that headline, omg

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Lynn Conchado's avatar

Thank you for making me snort laugh on a Monday morning.

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The Scented Jedi's avatar

In addition to the gigantic municipal doobie, part of NYC’s aggressive weed smell is due to the completely harmful off-gassing of brain cells and good nature that occurs every time a human has to mumble, “can you unlock the shampoo case?” at a Duane Reade.

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Linda OConnor's avatar

It’s been a few years since I’ve been to Manhattan and I don’t remember smelling weed, just pee and excrement, or as the Paleos called it, shit.

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DrBDH's avatar

I took my family to New York, where I was born, a couple of years ago. They now understand why I make air quotation marks when I refer to Midwestern “bagels” and “pizza.”

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Barbara Christian's avatar

Hrmph. . . I'll have you know that here in Cleveland, Davis Bakery makes Jewish rye with 87-year-old sourdough starter. Let the hectoring begin.

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Veronica Buxton's avatar

The locked sorbet tells me that you, Dave, know how to A-one images to back up your mischievous mind’s concoctions. Well done.

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Laurence Brevard's avatar

Actually I'm pretty sure AI is short for Alfred.

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Susan Bodiker's avatar

A-one! 😂

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Guy White's avatar

What a treat. I feel like I’ve stepped through a time travel portal and re-discovered the enormous health benefits of reading Dave Barry (on actual newsprint) back in my… younger days. So glad he’s been re-born on this edgy new platform called Substack. The quality of humor is just as good as I remember and I’m thankful for that. Note to self: Be careful reading these posts early in the morning while the coffee is still hot, at least without the protective iPad screen cover in place. And reading the comments section keeps the smiles going well into the afternoon!

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Steve Pietrowicz's avatar

I was in NYC late last year, helping my daughter recover from wrist surgery, which I'm happy to report went well. I spotted no Sorbert Retention Devices or Municipal Doobies, but we did spot a guy on the subway who had decided that a plastic garbage bag would make a good pair of pants (it does not).

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Dave, Dave... Had you stopped anyone on the street and asked what that smell was (after they told you to have intercourse with yourself, of course) --- you would have been told, "Jersey!"

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