I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted when I was in the Army. Luckily the oral surgeon was a reservist doing his 2 week summer camp, so I got civilian level care. Including the painkillers that would have knocked out a horse, and were certainly sized for that. For some reason my CO decided I was fit to go on a field exercise carrying my M-16 and ammo. Fortunately I was too stoned on the painkillers to do much more sit on the back of a deuce and a half and drool.
Funny, the New York Times keeps assuring us the city and subway are perfectly safe, such as this actual headline which we are not making up: "Police Seek Man Who They Say Violated a Corpse on an R Train:
New York’s subways have been the subject of debate, with politicians using them to paint the city as out of control and dangerous to residents and visitors"
Oh those politicians painting the image! Of course the city is perfectly safe! Now please unlock the water bottle display case so I can take a drink of water and purchase new underwear.
Except for those reading about it. Although apart from the occasional moue of disapproval from fellow New Yorkers, necrophilia is a Class A misdemeanor punishable by up to 364 days in the slammer, a possible fine and non-stop talk show appearances.
In addition to the gigantic municipal doobie, part of NYC’s aggressive weed smell is due to the completely harmful off-gassing of brain cells and good nature that occurs every time a human has to mumble, “can you unlock the shampoo case?” at a Duane Reade.
I took my family to New York, where I was born, a couple of years ago. They now understand why I make air quotation marks when I refer to Midwestern “bagels” and “pizza.”
What a treat. I feel like I’ve stepped through a time travel portal and re-discovered the enormous health benefits of reading Dave Barry (on actual newsprint) back in my… younger days. So glad he’s been re-born on this edgy new platform called Substack. The quality of humor is just as good as I remember and I’m thankful for that. Note to self: Be careful reading these posts early in the morning while the coffee is still hot, at least without the protective iPad screen cover in place. And reading the comments section keeps the smiles going well into the afternoon!
As a retired oral surgeon from NYS I was expecting some off the wall explanation for reasons we even have wisdom teeth. You’ve answered that question correctly albeit with your usual comedic “wisdom”!
I was curious. Now that people can have their DNA tested for all sorts of things including Neanderthal heritage, I was wondering if folks like myself who don’t need wisdom teeth removed consistently “score” a higher percentage of Neanderthal genes.
Unsecured Sorbet would also be a good name for a band.
I thought about making that another poll question. Now I wish I had.
I actually had my comment ready before you asked.
Definitely something at the emo end of the spectrum.
Nah, the emo band would be Insecure Sorbet.
Limpid Sorbet?
Opening act: The Duane Reads
Ok, I've lived in NYC for 18 years, and this is the first time I've seen a sorbet chastity belt. Wild.
We also were surprised. Maybe it's just the mango?
I hear mangos are *very* promiscuous.
I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted when I was in the Army. Luckily the oral surgeon was a reservist doing his 2 week summer camp, so I got civilian level care. Including the painkillers that would have knocked out a horse, and were certainly sized for that. For some reason my CO decided I was fit to go on a field exercise carrying my M-16 and ammo. Fortunately I was too stoned on the painkillers to do much more sit on the back of a deuce and a half and drool.
These columns are a reason to live.
Not a good reason.
Yyyeeeeeeesssssss!!! I was looking for the right words and you found them! Reason. To. Live. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Were the bagels and lox under locks? HA.
Locks and bagels
Lox in box would you eat it in a box? Or with a fox? I’ll probably get Dr Seussed for posting this.
Actually, there's loxed and loaded.
Loaded lox is soaked in 100 proof vodka…
ISWYDT, Dale .... HA!
Here in Michigan, we legalized the “Doobie” in 2018. Now, every parking lot smells like a skunk convention that got run over by a Winnebago.
I'm also in MI and was not looking forward to that but surprised at how non skunky it's been. Gummies saved our snouts.
Yes, it’d be a great band name. But before long, the Doobie Brothers would sue you.
Funny, the New York Times keeps assuring us the city and subway are perfectly safe, such as this actual headline which we are not making up: "Police Seek Man Who They Say Violated a Corpse on an R Train:
New York’s subways have been the subject of debate, with politicians using them to paint the city as out of control and dangerous to residents and visitors"
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/10/nyregion/nyc-subway-corpse-sex.html?smid=nytcore-android-share
Oh those politicians painting the image! Of course the city is perfectly safe! Now please unlock the water bottle display case so I can take a drink of water and purchase new underwear.
Sounds like a victimless crime.
Except for those reading about it. Although apart from the occasional moue of disapproval from fellow New Yorkers, necrophilia is a Class A misdemeanor punishable by up to 364 days in the slammer, a possible fine and non-stop talk show appearances.
That’s the real crime, the interviews on Jimmy Kimmel! haha!
So much going on in that headline, omg
Thank you for making me snort laugh on a Monday morning.
In addition to the gigantic municipal doobie, part of NYC’s aggressive weed smell is due to the completely harmful off-gassing of brain cells and good nature that occurs every time a human has to mumble, “can you unlock the shampoo case?” at a Duane Reade.
It’s been a few years since I’ve been to Manhattan and I don’t remember smelling weed, just pee and excrement, or as the Paleos called it, shit.
I took my family to New York, where I was born, a couple of years ago. They now understand why I make air quotation marks when I refer to Midwestern “bagels” and “pizza.”
Hrmph. . . I'll have you know that here in Cleveland, Davis Bakery makes Jewish rye with 87-year-old sourdough starter. Let the hectoring begin.
The locked sorbet tells me that you, Dave, know how to A-one images to back up your mischievous mind’s concoctions. Well done.
Actually I'm pretty sure AI is short for Alfred.
A-one! 😂
What a treat. I feel like I’ve stepped through a time travel portal and re-discovered the enormous health benefits of reading Dave Barry (on actual newsprint) back in my… younger days. So glad he’s been re-born on this edgy new platform called Substack. The quality of humor is just as good as I remember and I’m thankful for that. Note to self: Be careful reading these posts early in the morning while the coffee is still hot, at least without the protective iPad screen cover in place. And reading the comments section keeps the smiles going well into the afternoon!
As a retired oral surgeon from NYS I was expecting some off the wall explanation for reasons we even have wisdom teeth. You’ve answered that question correctly albeit with your usual comedic “wisdom”!
Here on this Substack we are sticklers for scientific accuracy.
I was curious. Now that people can have their DNA tested for all sorts of things including Neanderthal heritage, I was wondering if folks like myself who don’t need wisdom teeth removed consistently “score” a higher percentage of Neanderthal genes.
Mmmphhnng!