“Fecaloma” is a lovely word — it rolls off the tongue with a slight Italian flair. I almost wish I was young enough to name my baby Fecaloma, or talk someone else into it.
My husband, Mr. Crumpacker, and I think Damnital and Aboveital would be great names for prescription drugs. Fukital. Buggeral. Imagine the ads. “The house is on fire and the cat just had babies, but Mommy doesn’t mind. She’s … Aboveital!”
All things considered, yeah, I thought "fecaloma" could've been a lot worse. It worked well in the headline, balanced with "Coca-Cola," and also put me in mind of Petaluma. (Which is a *great* city, BTW -- I'm just thinking of the word sounds.)
Disappointed only that among the great band names, a simple "Fecaloma" did not appear. I think Fecaloma probably specializes in Latin pop music.
As a retired physician currently employed as a menu adviser, I can confidently state that crumpacking is a leading cause of fecalomas. Which also explains how Coca-Cola enemas are an effective remedy.
Well, as I expect you know, intestinal impactions are potentially deadly in horses. Although the term fecaloma has never crossed my path in a long life interested in such things, I have had an experience with Coke - Diet Coke, though, not Classic.
A very elderly pony had colic which did not resolve with medications, so we decided to have him euthanized. We took him (alive) to the vet clinic because body disposal would be easier from there. The vet decided try one last treatment, and using a stomach tube, put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony, who recovered promptly, cancelled the euthanasia portion of the appointment, and returned home, where he is living happily to this day, nearly two years from the day we cried over him, bidding him goodbye.
Please tell me "put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony" means "poured the CONTENTS of many cans of Diet Coke," etc. In any case, very happy to hear about the ultimately happy patient and his humans!
It's funny; I'm actually at my doctor's office right now, waiting to be seen. I got here during the LBJ Administration, but I'm told that he will be able to see me shortly.
As a physician with over 40 years of clinical experience, I can assure you that modern medicine handles emergencies fairly well, but totally blows it up when it comes to chronic conditions. Modern medicine overrelies on medications and not enough on lifestyle issues. This is especially true when it comes to brain and mental health issues. I highly recommend reading "The Invincible Brain: by Majid Fouhi. Another example is chronic pain, where medications have been a complete failure. Movement is the best treatment for chronic pain--not drugs, surgery, or rest.
How can a doctor monitor his patients lifestyle? Yes if we would eat the Amazon rainforest of leafy greens and jog daily in our underpants we would be healthier. But we choose not to, so we sit on our couches, drink our chocolate milkshakes, and bitch about the modern medicine keeping our sorry asses alive.
I agree that the ball is in your court, and it's not the job of modern medicine to decide lifestyle issues. Modern medicine is best at treating acute medical problems, not the chronic ones you are referring to.
Almost all of the actors in the pharma commercials are having the absolute times of their lives at some outdoor party or fesitival. Makes me want to take all of those meds until I hear the dire side effects. Thoughts of suicide and probable death at some point I can handle, but a rash between my anus and my genitals? No thanks, Mr. Fast Reader Man.
Question: was the subtitle an intentional or unintentional pun? Because if you are having a hard pass, I have some coke enema related ideas that could help.
Beloved, these “medications”—these collections of consonants—they do not sound like pharmaceuticals. They sound like Swedish curses whispered by a disappointed grandmother. 🍷
As a retired physician, I have always believed in the old medical axiom: “ If nothing else works, ,give him a Coca Cola enema.” Because it couldn’t hurt.
Waaaaay back in the 50's, when I was a child, my parents were older than me. My grandparents were even older. This was the age of the medicine cabinet. My childhood snooping (my grandmother called it "rooting" - oinc-oinc) in these cabinets found only Mercurochrome (ouch!) and aspirin. Oh, and band aids.
Most ailments were treated with a nap, or "walking it off".
We ate peanuts, wheat bread, corn syrup, whole milk, and Jello. No problem.
Medicine cabinets were great. As were milk chutes (which skinny kids could use to get in the house if dad forgot the keys) and laundry chutes (no navigating steps to the basement with a laundry basket full of dirty clothes)!
We had "baby aspirin" that had an orange flavor. I used to love those. Mercurochrome and a black ointment called Iodex that was used for every kind of injury.
“ dental surgery performed in a cave with a sharp rock”
“ we can safely assume between one and two hours of someone drilling into your tooth with a pointy bit of jasper, with or without any kind of natural painkiller.”
Beat me to it -- I read that yesterday and from the start, was trying to figure out how to work it into a comment on Dave's Substack (regardless of the topic, but it sure fits today!).
Thanks for sharing this important medical breakthrough. Next time I have a fecaloma I will save myself a lot of paperwork and expense by simply dropping a Mento in a bottle of Classic Coke and, well, you know
“Fecaloma” is a lovely word — it rolls off the tongue with a slight Italian flair. I almost wish I was young enough to name my baby Fecaloma, or talk someone else into it.
My husband, Mr. Crumpacker, and I think Damnital and Aboveital would be great names for prescription drugs. Fukital. Buggeral. Imagine the ads. “The house is on fire and the cat just had babies, but Mommy doesn’t mind. She’s … Aboveital!”
(laughing)
All things considered, yeah, I thought "fecaloma" could've been a lot worse. It worked well in the headline, balanced with "Coca-Cola," and also put me in mind of Petaluma. (Which is a *great* city, BTW -- I'm just thinking of the word sounds.)
Disappointed only that among the great band names, a simple "Fecaloma" did not appear. I think Fecaloma probably specializes in Latin pop music.
Yep. The Massive Fecalomas has to be a perfect band name.
As a retired physician currently employed as a menu adviser, I can confidently state that crumpacking is a leading cause of fecalomas. Which also explains how Coca-Cola enemas are an effective remedy.
A
I'm now so old, I remember when Dr. Pepper was still in medical school.
I’m so old I remember when General Tso was just a lieutenant and still had his chicken.
Rim shot!
So he’s a proctologist?
Hah!
Brilliant! You have been advanced to the next round ...
I'm having a colonoscopy in a few days. I'm not sure that learning the phrase 'pesky fecaloma' was a net positive contribution to my mindset.
Be sure to alert your proctologist to be on the lookout for a fecaloma, and to have some coke ready just in case (s)he's not a Dave Barry follower.
🤪Now I have to keep a straight face when i go in.
Well, as I expect you know, intestinal impactions are potentially deadly in horses. Although the term fecaloma has never crossed my path in a long life interested in such things, I have had an experience with Coke - Diet Coke, though, not Classic.
A very elderly pony had colic which did not resolve with medications, so we decided to have him euthanized. We took him (alive) to the vet clinic because body disposal would be easier from there. The vet decided try one last treatment, and using a stomach tube, put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony, who recovered promptly, cancelled the euthanasia portion of the appointment, and returned home, where he is living happily to this day, nearly two years from the day we cried over him, bidding him goodbye.
Please tell me "put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony" means "poured the CONTENTS of many cans of Diet Coke," etc. In any case, very happy to hear about the ultimately happy patient and his humans!
Haha! Thank you for that proper clarification! I stand corrected and laughing...
Next time a horse of mine colics, I'm off to the 7-11!
It's funny; I'm actually at my doctor's office right now, waiting to be seen. I got here during the LBJ Administration, but I'm told that he will be able to see me shortly.
As a physician with over 40 years of clinical experience, I can assure you that modern medicine handles emergencies fairly well, but totally blows it up when it comes to chronic conditions. Modern medicine overrelies on medications and not enough on lifestyle issues. This is especially true when it comes to brain and mental health issues. I highly recommend reading "The Invincible Brain: by Majid Fouhi. Another example is chronic pain, where medications have been a complete failure. Movement is the best treatment for chronic pain--not drugs, surgery, or rest.
A Barry satire buzz kill but great observation and advice.
I consider myself to be smart, but my Greek wife assures me I'm really a smart ass!
When you're our age, that is, old enough to relate to Dave Barry...any movement is welcome.
Especially movement of the fecalomatic sort.
I work on my core every day because I have scoliosis. Today I pulled a muscle in my back feeding my dogs. Currently resting and taking drugs.
I would try to move rather than rest: https://painfixprotocol.com/v2-new-science-of-shutting-down-pain/?Id=550111&Email=docww%40aol.com&ptpd=0&inf_contact_key=5e8565b5c96826d28f89c06ff831556b1b0a3f0fd3ee5d9b43fb34c6613498d7
I don't think this is modern medicines fault.
How can a doctor monitor his patients lifestyle? Yes if we would eat the Amazon rainforest of leafy greens and jog daily in our underpants we would be healthier. But we choose not to, so we sit on our couches, drink our chocolate milkshakes, and bitch about the modern medicine keeping our sorry asses alive.
I agree that the ball is in your court, and it's not the job of modern medicine to decide lifestyle issues. Modern medicine is best at treating acute medical problems, not the chronic ones you are referring to.
As an older person, modern medicine seems much like this comment. Nag, nag, nag. Milkshakes are delicious and kale sucks.
Almost all of the actors in the pharma commercials are having the absolute times of their lives at some outdoor party or fesitival. Makes me want to take all of those meds until I hear the dire side effects. Thoughts of suicide and probable death at some point I can handle, but a rash between my anus and my genitals? No thanks, Mr. Fast Reader Man.
Mr. Fast Reader Man! Excellent.
If they're dancing, it's a commercial for drugs. I think it's a law.
Question: was the subtitle an intentional or unintentional pun? Because if you are having a hard pass, I have some coke enema related ideas that could help.
Congrats on noting that.
Beloved, these “medications”—these collections of consonants—they do not sound like pharmaceuticals. They sound like Swedish curses whispered by a disappointed grandmother. 🍷
As a retired physician, I have always believed in the old medical axiom: “ If nothing else works, ,give him a Coca Cola enema.” Because it couldn’t hurt.
Or, it could
Good observation skills!
Also, excellent decision to retire.
If you’ve ingested Bourbon and then tumbled down the stairs,
Upon regaining consciousness,
It’s time for Questionnaires.
The Questionnaires, make no mistake, were one tight cover band;
They toured New England, masters of the classic one-night stand.
But Questionnaires are what you’ll face in any good ER,
Even if your ID got left
Back in your totaled car.
? (Question Mark) and the Mysterians begat the Questionnaires.
When one-hit wonders hit the skids,
So often, no one cares.
But “?” had made a hit
That’s lasted through the years.
Of course by now you know that hit! 🎶”You’re gonna cry 96 tears”🎶
Back to your doctor’s paperwork:
Your medications list.
Are you still taking something for that pilonidal cyst?
Is there a pill you’re taking to bring life back to your phallus?
Your Medicare won’t cover the Viagra, just Cialis.
Tonight, the Questionnaires are playing
At the Legion Hall.
Be careful! Many medications make you prone to fall,
Especially if they’re washed down with Bourbon ethanol.
Waaaaay back in the 50's, when I was a child, my parents were older than me. My grandparents were even older. This was the age of the medicine cabinet. My childhood snooping (my grandmother called it "rooting" - oinc-oinc) in these cabinets found only Mercurochrome (ouch!) and aspirin. Oh, and band aids.
Most ailments were treated with a nap, or "walking it off".
We ate peanuts, wheat bread, corn syrup, whole milk, and Jello. No problem.
What is going on?
Medicine cabinets were great. As were milk chutes (which skinny kids could use to get in the house if dad forgot the keys) and laundry chutes (no navigating steps to the basement with a laundry basket full of dirty clothes)!
We had a cough drop tin filled with corn starch for a rash on your butt, applied with a cosmetic powder puff…and we all shared it. Hmmm…..
This is more horrific than all of the disclaimers in the TV drug ads combined.
Ha ha! Not quite, but close!
Hmmm, indeed. 🤣
Ditto
You poor thing, no Fletcher’s Castoria? I used to climb up and drink that stuff, it tasted better than Dr. Pepper.
We had "baby aspirin" that had an orange flavor. I used to love those. Mercurochrome and a black ointment called Iodex that was used for every kind of injury.
If you think modern medicine is bad, try Neanderthal Dentistry:
https://arstechnica.com/science/2026/05/neanderthals-drilled-cavities-to-treat-a-toothache-59000-years-ago/
“ dental surgery performed in a cave with a sharp rock”
“ we can safely assume between one and two hours of someone drilling into your tooth with a pointy bit of jasper, with or without any kind of natural painkiller.”
And now we know why bourbon was invented.
I especially liked the subtitle: "Your dentist’s office was never this scenic."
Beat me to it -- I read that yesterday and from the start, was trying to figure out how to work it into a comment on Dave's Substack (regardless of the topic, but it sure fits today!).
I started reading the list of drug names thinking, “Oh, come on. You made these up.” And then I got to Emgality, which I’m on.
My "aha moment" came when I got to Jardiance.
For me it was Trelegy. 😏
Thanks for sharing this important medical breakthrough. Next time I have a fecaloma I will save myself a lot of paperwork and expense by simply dropping a Mento in a bottle of Classic Coke and, well, you know
I had always heard that the 'Mentos' trick used Diet Coke?
That's only if your fecaloma is from eating an entire box of "fat-free" cookies. (Or, apparently, if you're a pony.)
Where can I acquire one of those fecaloma snow globes? What a lovely gift it would make!
Make 'em yourself and sell them on Etsy, "The Crafter's Marketplace".
Omg!!!!! 😂