“Fecaloma” is a lovely word — it rolls off the tongue with a slight Italian flair. I almost wish I was young enough to name my baby Fecaloma, or talk someone else into it.
My husband, Mr. Crumpacker, and I think Damnital and Aboveital would be great names for prescription drugs. Fukital. Buggeral. Imagine the ads. “The house is on fire and the cat just had babies, but Mommy doesn’t mind. She’s … Aboveital!”
As a retired physician currently employed as a menu adviser, I can confidently state that crumpacking is a leading cause of fecalomas. Which also explains how Coca-Cola enemas are an effective remedy.
No, that is my real married name and I’m SO proud to be a Crumpacker. Sounds dirty, doesn’t it? And most people think it can’t be real, but truth is stranger than fiction.
Crumpacker (v.): To be pervasively and persistently a wiseass in ways and places that will never earn you dime. Antonym of the verb “to Dave Barry” which involves professional wiseassery.
All things considered, yeah, I thought "fecaloma" could've been a lot worse. It worked well in the headline, balanced with "Coca-Cola," and also put me in mind of Petaluma. (Which is a *great* city, BTW -- I'm just thinking of the word sounds.)
Disappointed only that among the great band names, a simple "Fecaloma" did not appear. I think Fecaloma probably specializes in Latin pop music.
As a former marketing communications guy (not for the pharma industry, thank heavens), I’m pretty well convinced that Cialis was named by a bunch of punchy ad execs at the tail end of a fruitless, multi-hour brainstorming session. One of them recalled something scrawled on a men’s room stall — for a good time, see Alice. Eureka!
“U” means fully human antibody . In the second portion of the drug name - for example Denos-u- mab . The first portion of the name is unique , made up and solely at the discretion of the manufacturer.
One of 5 kids, we grew up in a house my Grampy built in the 50’s.He was a celebrated retired WWII Army Major who didn’t suffer children gladly. Once in a while mummy would send us upstairs to see what he needed in the refrigerator. We would check on the Limburger cheese (oh the smell), the pickled pigs feet and pickled eggs in the refrigerator, and find the bottles of seltzer water and coke syrup to make ourselves a drink! Sooo delicious, but good thing my dad believed in going to the dentist.
For those who remember Pittsburgh morning drive radio 60 to 70 years ago, the space was dominated by Rege Cordic. His Cordic & Company Research Labs offered a product called Saturday Pills as a specific remedy for Mid Week Bog Down. The active ingredient was Dammitol.
Well, as I expect you know, intestinal impactions are potentially deadly in horses. Although the term fecaloma has never crossed my path in a long life interested in such things, I have had an experience with Coke - Diet Coke, though, not Classic.
A very elderly pony had colic which did not resolve with medications, so we decided to have him euthanized. We took him (alive) to the vet clinic because body disposal would be easier from there. The vet decided try one last treatment, and using a stomach tube, put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony, who recovered promptly, cancelled the euthanasia portion of the appointment, and returned home, where he is living happily to this day, nearly two years from the day we cried over him, bidding him goodbye.
Please tell me "put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony" means "poured the CONTENTS of many cans of Diet Coke," etc. In any case, very happy to hear about the ultimately happy patient and his humans!
It's funny; I'm actually at my doctor's office right now, waiting to be seen. I got here during the LBJ Administration, but I'm told that he will be able to see me shortly.
They do love that word "shortly," which means any time between when it is said and when the office closes for the day. "Shortly" also refers to how long you can expect the doctor to examine you and listen to your questions, before hightailing it out of there!
For a long time the very best orthopedic surgeon in the SF Bay Area was Dr. Butcher. I kid you not. He worked the really bad trauma cases for the county hospital, and if your appendage had any chance of being saved, he was the guy you hoped worked on you.
As a physician with over 40 years of clinical experience, I can assure you that modern medicine handles emergencies fairly well, but totally blows it up when it comes to chronic conditions. Modern medicine overrelies on medications and not enough on lifestyle issues. This is especially true when it comes to brain and mental health issues. I highly recommend reading "The Invincible Brain: by Majid Fouhi. Another example is chronic pain, where medications have been a complete failure. Movement is the best treatment for chronic pain--not drugs, surgery, or rest.
I hear you! Walked everyday and my exuberant spaniel knocked me down on the tile floor. I consider it a win that my hip didn’t break! Hope you recover quickly.
How can a doctor monitor his patients lifestyle? Yes if we would eat the Amazon rainforest of leafy greens and jog daily in our underpants we would be healthier. But we choose not to, so we sit on our couches, drink our chocolate milkshakes, and bitch about the modern medicine keeping our sorry asses alive.
I agree that the ball is in your court, and it's not the job of modern medicine to decide lifestyle issues. Modern medicine is best at treating acute medical problems, not the chronic ones you are referring to.
No we wouldn't. Lifestyle adjustments, but not those. The big problem with modern medicine is that we've gotten to a point in history where Healthcare needs to be more individualized. People do need to take more control over their own health, but we don't need to be so extreme about it. Runners need more knee replacements and Jim Fixx died of a heart attack. Just sayin'.
Question: was the subtitle an intentional or unintentional pun? Because if you are having a hard pass, I have some coke enema related ideas that could help.
Almost all of the actors in the pharma commercials are having the absolute times of their lives at some outdoor party or fesitival. Makes me want to take all of those meds until I hear the dire side effects. Thoughts of suicide and probable death at some point I can handle, but a rash between my anus and my genitals? No thanks, Mr. Fast Reader Man.
Beloved, these “medications”—these collections of consonants—they do not sound like pharmaceuticals. They sound like Swedish curses whispered by a disappointed grandmother. 🍷
As a retired physician, I have always believed in the old medical axiom: “ If nothing else works, ,give him a Coca Cola enema.” Because it couldn’t hurt.
Waaaaay back in the 50's, when I was a child, my parents were older than me. My grandparents were even older. This was the age of the medicine cabinet. My childhood snooping (my grandmother called it "rooting" - oinc-oinc) in these cabinets found only Mercurochrome (ouch!) and aspirin. Oh, and band aids.
Most ailments were treated with a nap, or "walking it off".
We ate peanuts, wheat bread, corn syrup, whole milk, and Jello. No problem.
Medicine cabinets were great. As were milk chutes (which skinny kids could use to get in the house if dad forgot the keys) and laundry chutes (no navigating steps to the basement with a laundry basket full of dirty clothes)!
A few years ago my brother visited the house we grew up in and the current owner invited him in to see what changes had been made. When he asked her how she liked the laundry chute she was stunned as she had not known it existed. My dad put in a small hinged door in the baseboard of the bathroom that dropped to the chute in the basement. She'd never noticed the door and thought the space in the basement behind a small door was storage, never looking up to see that it had essentially no ceiling...
We had a laundry chute. In grade school once I couldn’t find my uniform skirt ANYWHERE. How could a person lose a uniform skirt?? (One sock or one shoe in the road is strange enough.) guess where it was hung up.
We had "baby aspirin" that had an orange flavor. I used to love those. Mercurochrome and a black ointment called Iodex that was used for every kind of injury.
“ dental surgery performed in a cave with a sharp rock”
“ we can safely assume between one and two hours of someone drilling into your tooth with a pointy bit of jasper, with or without any kind of natural painkiller.”
Beat me to it -- I read that yesterday and from the start, was trying to figure out how to work it into a comment on Dave's Substack (regardless of the topic, but it sure fits today!).
Typing this comment from a medical office! Orthopedics, so one of the forms asks whether I'm limited during "moderate activities, such as moving a table, pushing a vacuum cleaner, or playing golf." Like, I avoid all of those, but not for orthopedic reasons.
“Fecaloma” is a lovely word — it rolls off the tongue with a slight Italian flair. I almost wish I was young enough to name my baby Fecaloma, or talk someone else into it.
My husband, Mr. Crumpacker, and I think Damnital and Aboveital would be great names for prescription drugs. Fukital. Buggeral. Imagine the ads. “The house is on fire and the cat just had babies, but Mommy doesn’t mind. She’s … Aboveital!”
As a retired physician currently employed as a menu adviser, I can confidently state that crumpacking is a leading cause of fecalomas. Which also explains how Coca-Cola enemas are an effective remedy.
Ok I’ll bite: what is “crumpacking”?
Doris, with apologies to Gretchen, my comment was a play on the name Crumpacker which I assumed, perhaps erroneously, to be a nom de plume.
No, that is my real married name and I’m SO proud to be a Crumpacker. Sounds dirty, doesn’t it? And most people think it can’t be real, but truth is stranger than fiction.
Crumpacker (v.): To be pervasively and persistently a wiseass in ways and places that will never earn you dime. Antonym of the verb “to Dave Barry” which involves professional wiseassery.
(laughing)
All things considered, yeah, I thought "fecaloma" could've been a lot worse. It worked well in the headline, balanced with "Coca-Cola," and also put me in mind of Petaluma. (Which is a *great* city, BTW -- I'm just thinking of the word sounds.)
Disappointed only that among the great band names, a simple "Fecaloma" did not appear. I think Fecaloma probably specializes in Latin pop music.
Yep. The Massive Fecalomas has to be a perfect band name.
I thought Fecaloma was a city in northern California.
As a former marketing communications guy (not for the pharma industry, thank heavens), I’m pretty well convinced that Cialis was named by a bunch of punchy ad execs at the tail end of a fruitless, multi-hour brainstorming session. One of them recalled something scrawled on a men’s room stall — for a good time, see Alice. Eureka!
I wish someone could tell me why all the new drugs end with "umab" now. 🤔
“Mab” means monoclonal antibody. Can’t help you with the u.
“U” means fully human antibody . In the second portion of the drug name - for example Denos-u- mab . The first portion of the name is unique , made up and solely at the discretion of the manufacturer.
RB, what a great question and thank you Linda and Michael such a complete explanation. I wondered too!
One of 5 kids, we grew up in a house my Grampy built in the 50’s.He was a celebrated retired WWII Army Major who didn’t suffer children gladly. Once in a while mummy would send us upstairs to see what he needed in the refrigerator. We would check on the Limburger cheese (oh the smell), the pickled pigs feet and pickled eggs in the refrigerator, and find the bottles of seltzer water and coke syrup to make ourselves a drink! Sooo delicious, but good thing my dad believed in going to the dentist.
For those who remember Pittsburgh morning drive radio 60 to 70 years ago, the space was dominated by Rege Cordic. His Cordic & Company Research Labs offered a product called Saturday Pills as a specific remedy for Mid Week Bog Down. The active ingredient was Dammitol.
Fukital and Biggeral have a real nice ring!! Be kinda fun to see those commercials on streaming channels
A
I'm now so old, I remember when Dr. Pepper was still in medical school.
I’m so old I remember when General Tso was just a lieutenant and still had his chicken.
I'm so old that I was the gate agent who boarded Orville Wright onto his first flight. He had to serve his own drink, though.
Rim shot!
So he’s a proctologist?
Hah!
Brilliant! You have been advanced to the next round ...
Well, as I expect you know, intestinal impactions are potentially deadly in horses. Although the term fecaloma has never crossed my path in a long life interested in such things, I have had an experience with Coke - Diet Coke, though, not Classic.
A very elderly pony had colic which did not resolve with medications, so we decided to have him euthanized. We took him (alive) to the vet clinic because body disposal would be easier from there. The vet decided try one last treatment, and using a stomach tube, put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony, who recovered promptly, cancelled the euthanasia portion of the appointment, and returned home, where he is living happily to this day, nearly two years from the day we cried over him, bidding him goodbye.
Please tell me "put many cans of Diet Coke into said pony" means "poured the CONTENTS of many cans of Diet Coke," etc. In any case, very happy to hear about the ultimately happy patient and his humans!
Haha! Thank you for that proper clarification! I stand corrected and laughing...
I believe that given the circumstances even Mr. Language Person would've extended grace.......
Next time a horse of mine colics, I'm off to the 7-11!
It's funny; I'm actually at my doctor's office right now, waiting to be seen. I got here during the LBJ Administration, but I'm told that he will be able to see me shortly.
They do love that word "shortly," which means any time between when it is said and when the office closes for the day. "Shortly" also refers to how long you can expect the doctor to examine you and listen to your questions, before hightailing it out of there!
Listen to your questions? How'd you find that doctor. Completely irrelevant side note, the is a gyno in Vancouver, WA named Dr. Doom - seriously.
There is a Dr. Grim in Seattle. He must be really good to main a practice.
Did he have a nurse named, Ann Barrett?
I wondered about that too. Who's calling up asking to see these doctors?
Geez!
For a long time the very best orthopedic surgeon in the SF Bay Area was Dr. Butcher. I kid you not. He worked the really bad trauma cases for the county hospital, and if your appendage had any chance of being saved, he was the guy you hoped worked on you.
That introduction had to be comforting when the ambulance rolled you in. 🤣🤣
There was a dentist when I was a kid named Dr Sugar
The inventor of the cotton candy machine was a dentist.
Smart guy😉
My surgeon was Dr. Roseanne Gorey!
Yikes!
As a physician with over 40 years of clinical experience, I can assure you that modern medicine handles emergencies fairly well, but totally blows it up when it comes to chronic conditions. Modern medicine overrelies on medications and not enough on lifestyle issues. This is especially true when it comes to brain and mental health issues. I highly recommend reading "The Invincible Brain: by Majid Fouhi. Another example is chronic pain, where medications have been a complete failure. Movement is the best treatment for chronic pain--not drugs, surgery, or rest.
A Barry satire buzz kill but great observation and advice.
I consider myself to be smart, but my Greek wife assures me I'm really a smart ass!
When you're our age, that is, old enough to relate to Dave Barry...any movement is welcome.
Especially movement of the fecalomatic sort.
Dave relates to people of any age - you just have to introduce them to him.
I work on my core every day because I have scoliosis. Today I pulled a muscle in my back feeding my dogs. Currently resting and taking drugs.
I would try to move rather than rest: https://painfixprotocol.com/v2-new-science-of-shutting-down-pain/?Id=550111&Email=docww%40aol.com&ptpd=0&inf_contact_key=5e8565b5c96826d28f89c06ff831556b1b0a3f0fd3ee5d9b43fb34c6613498d7
I hear you! Walked everyday and my exuberant spaniel knocked me down on the tile floor. I consider it a win that my hip didn’t break! Hope you recover quickly.
I don't think this is modern medicines fault.
How can a doctor monitor his patients lifestyle? Yes if we would eat the Amazon rainforest of leafy greens and jog daily in our underpants we would be healthier. But we choose not to, so we sit on our couches, drink our chocolate milkshakes, and bitch about the modern medicine keeping our sorry asses alive.
I agree that the ball is in your court, and it's not the job of modern medicine to decide lifestyle issues. Modern medicine is best at treating acute medical problems, not the chronic ones you are referring to.
As an older person, modern medicine seems much like this comment. Nag, nag, nag. Milkshakes are delicious and kale sucks.
No we wouldn't. Lifestyle adjustments, but not those. The big problem with modern medicine is that we've gotten to a point in history where Healthcare needs to be more individualized. People do need to take more control over their own health, but we don't need to be so extreme about it. Runners need more knee replacements and Jim Fixx died of a heart attack. Just sayin'.
I'm having a colonoscopy in a few days. I'm not sure that learning the phrase 'pesky fecaloma' was a net positive contribution to my mindset.
Once you’re done drinking the gallon of awful-tasting drano-for-colonoscopies, you’ll be clean as a whistle and definitely fecalomaless.
Thanks for the reassurance.
Enjoy the sedatives.
The after party is already planned, Diet Coke and sedatives!
Be sure to alert your proctologist to be on the lookout for a fecaloma, and to have some coke ready just in case (s)he's not a Dave Barry follower.
🤪Now I have to keep a straight face when i go in.
So does the proctologist.
Don't forget your two liters of Coca Cola.
Question: was the subtitle an intentional or unintentional pun? Because if you are having a hard pass, I have some coke enema related ideas that could help.
Congrats on noting that.
Almost all of the actors in the pharma commercials are having the absolute times of their lives at some outdoor party or fesitival. Makes me want to take all of those meds until I hear the dire side effects. Thoughts of suicide and probable death at some point I can handle, but a rash between my anus and my genitals? No thanks, Mr. Fast Reader Man.
Mr. Fast Reader Man! Excellent.
If they're dancing, it's a commercial for drugs. I think it's a law.
Beloved, these “medications”—these collections of consonants—they do not sound like pharmaceuticals. They sound like Swedish curses whispered by a disappointed grandmother. 🍷
If you’ve ingested Bourbon and then tumbled down the stairs,
Upon regaining consciousness,
It’s time for Questionnaires.
The Questionnaires, make no mistake, were one tight cover band;
They toured New England, masters of the classic one-night stand.
But Questionnaires are what you’ll face in any good ER,
Even if your ID got left
Back in your totaled car.
? (Question Mark) and the Mysterians begat the Questionnaires.
When one-hit wonders hit the skids,
So often, no one cares.
But “?” had made a hit
That’s lasted through the years.
Of course by now you know that hit! 🎶”You’re gonna cry 96 tears”🎶
Back to your doctor’s paperwork:
Your medications list.
Are you still taking something for that pilonidal cyst?
Is there a pill you’re taking to bring life back to your phallus?
Your Medicare won’t cover the Viagra, just Cialis.
Tonight, the Questionnaires are playing
At the Legion Hall.
Be careful! Many medications make you prone to fall,
Especially if they’re washed down with Bourbon ethanol.
As a retired physician, I have always believed in the old medical axiom: “ If nothing else works, ,give him a Coca Cola enema.” Because it couldn’t hurt.
Or, it could
Good observation skills!
Also, excellent decision to retire.
Waaaaay back in the 50's, when I was a child, my parents were older than me. My grandparents were even older. This was the age of the medicine cabinet. My childhood snooping (my grandmother called it "rooting" - oinc-oinc) in these cabinets found only Mercurochrome (ouch!) and aspirin. Oh, and band aids.
Most ailments were treated with a nap, or "walking it off".
We ate peanuts, wheat bread, corn syrup, whole milk, and Jello. No problem.
What is going on?
We had a cough drop tin filled with corn starch for a rash on your butt, applied with a cosmetic powder puff…and we all shared it. Hmmm…..
This is more horrific than all of the disclaimers in the TV drug ads combined.
Ha ha! Not quite, but close!
😂
Hmmm, indeed. 🤣
Medicine cabinets were great. As were milk chutes (which skinny kids could use to get in the house if dad forgot the keys) and laundry chutes (no navigating steps to the basement with a laundry basket full of dirty clothes)!
A few years ago my brother visited the house we grew up in and the current owner invited him in to see what changes had been made. When he asked her how she liked the laundry chute she was stunned as she had not known it existed. My dad put in a small hinged door in the baseboard of the bathroom that dropped to the chute in the basement. She'd never noticed the door and thought the space in the basement behind a small door was storage, never looking up to see that it had essentially no ceiling...
We had a laundry chute. In grade school once I couldn’t find my uniform skirt ANYWHERE. How could a person lose a uniform skirt?? (One sock or one shoe in the road is strange enough.) guess where it was hung up.
I still have both! Although the milk chute is no longer accessible to burglars.
Ditto
You poor thing, no Fletcher’s Castoria? I used to climb up and drink that stuff, it tasted better than Dr. Pepper.
We had "baby aspirin" that had an orange flavor. I used to love those. Mercurochrome and a black ointment called Iodex that was used for every kind of injury.
If you think modern medicine is bad, try Neanderthal Dentistry:
https://arstechnica.com/science/2026/05/neanderthals-drilled-cavities-to-treat-a-toothache-59000-years-ago/
“ dental surgery performed in a cave with a sharp rock”
“ we can safely assume between one and two hours of someone drilling into your tooth with a pointy bit of jasper, with or without any kind of natural painkiller.”
And now we know why bourbon was invented.
I especially liked the subtitle: "Your dentist’s office was never this scenic."
Beat me to it -- I read that yesterday and from the start, was trying to figure out how to work it into a comment on Dave's Substack (regardless of the topic, but it sure fits today!).
Thank you Dave for providing another response when someone greets me with: “Hi, How are ya?”
New answer: “My fecaloma is gone, thanks for asking”
In Tennessee everyone asks how everyone else is doing, so I appreciate this suggestion.
I'd be willing to pay you if you could prove you actually did that. 🤣🤣
I just might. When the HR person saw me in the hall and said: Hi, How are you doin’?” My response was: “I’m still below my deductible”
I like answering trite, rhetorical-intended questions.
I started reading the list of drug names thinking, “Oh, come on. You made these up.” And then I got to Emgality, which I’m on.
My "aha moment" came when I got to Jardiance.
For me it was Trelegy. 😏
Typing this comment from a medical office! Orthopedics, so one of the forms asks whether I'm limited during "moderate activities, such as moving a table, pushing a vacuum cleaner, or playing golf." Like, I avoid all of those, but not for orthopedic reasons.
My last doctor told me to ask for Ketamine! I didn't see that one on the list?