Barry is certainly on it, but I gotta ad Patrick McManus. Few make me guffaw like these two. Gene Hill was another one. His reference to “a state of extreme conviviality” still gets me.
I am thrilled that you mention McManus and Hill. I agree 100% that they are often underrated because they wrote for “hook and bullet” magazines. (BTW) I was just re-reading the passage you mention last evening.
There are true medical conditions for the separation anxiety caused by losing or forgetting your phone. One is called Nomophobia (true story). The other is called Loserdisconnect. In your case it would be Humorinterruptus.
I once went nearly TWO weeks without using my phone. It was post spine surgery, doped up on morphine the entire time. Obviously the answer to getting us off our phones is to put morphine in the water supply.
What's the real estate market like in that area for an adorable retiring couple constantly misplacing their two cellphones so they have to have 2 more to find the originals? Must have gator barrier & clear view of MIA flightpath.
As we embark on this new year, I would really just like to thank Dave Barry for making it possible for us to grapple with the real news that awaits us every day with these hilarious, distracting missives each Friday. Laughter really is the best medicine!
As a /seasoned/ citizen, I am noticing the "enormous foaming vat of knowledge" has been slowly leaking from my punkin head leading me to .. oh look, something shiny!
You know those traffic signs that alert drivers to PED X-ING? At my place of employment there are signs to watch out for zombies crossing. The signs include a stick character depicted with head down and staring at their mobile phone. I am not making this up. We have to watch out for /them/, just like people riding roller coasters need to watch out for birds or other flying objects.
This reminded me of a time before cellphones... years ago. I had seen a friend off on a plane and was walking to the parking lot. I (don't need phone behavior to blame)walked under the automatic 'stop bar/arm' at the entrance and it came down on my head. I almost passed out. I was so embarrassed I quickly got up, looked around to see whether there was a witness and ran off to my car. My head hurt for several days. Since then I warn people about the danger inherent in entrances to parking lots due to automatic bar/arm. (Who's at fault, me or the arm? --- could a case be made? Unfortunately it was so long ago, almost 50 years... hmm, that could explain a lot about my life!)
Thank you, Dave, for another great column (he wrote, instantly dating himself by using “column,” an archaic term which only older people like him use, instead of “Substack” or “Instachat Glob” or “6-7”)! I have been reading way too much news lately and getting angry and slightly sad, and your column—and its accompanying funny comments by readers—and I laughed out loud and feel better! You and your commenters perform a vital public service. 😊
"You could schedule a double hip replacement during Cats without missing anything important." You don't know how much I needed to read a line like this today. Thank you!
I'm still stuck on "Is it dark outside?" Surely there's a companion app called "Is it raining?" where you hold your phone out the window and it tells you if it gets wet. The algorithm for that one must be INTENSE.
I can't wait to impress my Kardashian Fan neighbors with the "IS IT DARK?" app. They were intrigued last week when the mail carrier showed them his favorite app: "SHOULD I INHALE?"
Ah yes—the original analog app. No updates, no subscriptions, 100% uptime unless stolen by raccoons. The Weather Rock walked so “Is it dark outside?” could run. Truly heroic engineering.
I bet more people get hit by flying hot dogs on the roller coaster at SeaWorld. These would be the ones the gulls grabbed from unwitting kids in the park and then dropped because they tasted so bad.
Dave, if it helps your research into the Tippi Hedron Effect (you could look it up), I have personally gotten the bird during many rides --- usually when driving.
Thanks for this, I was wondering why no one else had referenced the Alfred Hitchcock movie with regard to this column - including Dave. It was the first thing I thought of, but I guess that just shows how old I am! Although I think Dave is older.
My sister and I got to go to the movies once a week and our parents paid little attention to what we saw. We went to see The Birds and returned home with a deep distrust of our pet parakeet, Petey. I totally understand Fabio’s trauma.
Oh, Dave. Haven't you heard? Birds aren't real. Thanks to Peter McIndoe, we have known since 2016 that the U.S. government exterminated all birds and replaced them with surveillance drones. You might notice birds frequently sitting in a row on power lines; that's how they recharge. It's all been so obvious for so long, but it took Mr. McIndoe to reveal to the world that birds are a lie.
Also, I have an app on my phone called "Am I Alive?" I press it, and it highlights all the joints in my body that are currently in pain, thereby reassuring me of my continued existence. "I hurt, therefore I am."
Jochen! The windmills are indispensable for eliminating the surveillance drones that have replaced the birds. So now the only question is: are windmills real? %-)
I think we’d all feel better about cell phones if they were better behaved.
I try to reason with mine. “Now,” I say, “I’m going to put you in my pocket. Just take a nap, OK? NO FUNNY BUSINESS! Don’t open apps. Don’t send off bizarre messages. Don’t start up YouTube videos that will make everyone within a hundred feet of me look around and wonder why I’m such a bad cell-phone owner.”
But does it listen? Not yet. Hold on - Who started up that podcast?
Brilliant. You make me want to be a writer.
You should give it a shot!
Mount Rushmore of American Humor:Twain, Thurber, Keillor, Barry.
Andy Borowitz too!
Surely!
My old school favorites are Erma Bombeck and Lewis Grizzard.
Will Rogers ?
Barry is certainly on it, but I gotta ad Patrick McManus. Few make me guffaw like these two. Gene Hill was another one. His reference to “a state of extreme conviviality” still gets me.
I have read a lot of McManus's books and they are wonderful - to the point of making me cry because I am laughing so hard.
I am thrilled that you mention McManus and Hill. I agree 100% that they are often underrated because they wrote for “hook and bullet” magazines. (BTW) I was just re-reading the passage you mention last evening.
An acquaintance in Arizona commented on finding a “desiccated lizard” that would be a good new name for the Rolling Stones.
Ehhh, fame is overrated.
This Keillor guy, think he could make something of himself one day?
Is he Scottish ? There are no biscuits down south in Key Biscayne.
I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to see the two of you in the same virtual room!
Don’t fall for it. The big money is in long-running radio.
The big money, or so I've been told, is in setting up an "Only Fans" account.
Probably not for Garrison Keillor, though. The phrase "A Face Made for Radio" comes to mind.
😂😂😂😂
Keep trying then. Woe be gone to you if you don’t.
Don't give up your day-job.
You are a wonderful writer. Miss you.
Mr Keillor also has a Substack, though with more politics and fewer impactful birds.
There are true medical conditions for the separation anxiety caused by losing or forgetting your phone. One is called Nomophobia (true story). The other is called Loserdisconnect. In your case it would be Humorinterruptus.
What about MOphobia?
I think that would describe people who were traumatized watching the Three Stooges.
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk
😂😂😂😂
Your contribution reminds me of Chuck Jones' Latin-esque names for Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner. Tastyus supersonicus vs Eternalii famishiis
I once went nearly TWO weeks without using my phone. It was post spine surgery, doped up on morphine the entire time. Obviously the answer to getting us off our phones is to put morphine in the water supply.
I think we already have that in Miami.
And a few other things, possibly, but probably not, including water.
What's the real estate market like in that area for an adorable retiring couple constantly misplacing their two cellphones so they have to have 2 more to find the originals? Must have gator barrier & clear view of MIA flightpath.
Thought that was meloxicam....
I did not make a call on my phone for two weeks. Does that count?
You sometimes use your phone for voice calls? How quaint.
As we embark on this new year, I would really just like to thank Dave Barry for making it possible for us to grapple with the real news that awaits us every day with these hilarious, distracting missives each Friday. Laughter really is the best medicine!
Hear hear!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
As a /seasoned/ citizen, I am noticing the "enormous foaming vat of knowledge" has been slowly leaking from my punkin head leading me to .. oh look, something shiny!
You know those traffic signs that alert drivers to PED X-ING? At my place of employment there are signs to watch out for zombies crossing. The signs include a stick character depicted with head down and staring at their mobile phone. I am not making this up. We have to watch out for /them/, just like people riding roller coasters need to watch out for birds or other flying objects.
This reminded me of a time before cellphones... years ago. I had seen a friend off on a plane and was walking to the parking lot. I (don't need phone behavior to blame)walked under the automatic 'stop bar/arm' at the entrance and it came down on my head. I almost passed out. I was so embarrassed I quickly got up, looked around to see whether there was a witness and ran off to my car. My head hurt for several days. Since then I warn people about the danger inherent in entrances to parking lots due to automatic bar/arm. (Who's at fault, me or the arm? --- could a case be made? Unfortunately it was so long ago, almost 50 years... hmm, that could explain a lot about my life!)
Do you really think this thread is the right place to advertise abnormal sexual behavior?
Pedophiles Christing?
(I'd google it if I had a phone)
Thank you, Dave, for another great column (he wrote, instantly dating himself by using “column,” an archaic term which only older people like him use, instead of “Substack” or “Instachat Glob” or “6-7”)! I have been reading way too much news lately and getting angry and slightly sad, and your column—and its accompanying funny comments by readers—and I laughed out loud and feel better! You and your commenters perform a vital public service. 😊
I love my commenters.
All of this speaks for me, too. All of it. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
"You could schedule a double hip replacement during Cats without missing anything important." You don't know how much I needed to read a line like this today. Thank you!
I'm still stuck on "Is it dark outside?" Surely there's a companion app called "Is it raining?" where you hold your phone out the window and it tells you if it gets wet. The algorithm for that one must be INTENSE.
I was about to use the app, but it warned me that AI may be incorrect and that my phone might get wet. So I'm thinking,
The AI disclaimer is there for legal reasons. If your phone gets wet, you can't sue—it's the "snowy egret defense" but for precipitation.
Let's hope it doesn't precipitate snowy egrets. Fabio would have a nervous breakdown.
Reminds me of the "Weather Dog" bit by the late, great Lewis Grizzard. Google it.
I can't tell you how many times a day I ask myself: WWLGD?
Lewis Grizzard was a riot.
I can't wait to impress my Kardashian Fan neighbors with the "IS IT DARK?" app. They were intrigued last week when the mail carrier showed them his favorite app: "SHOULD I INHALE?"
The Coral Castle in Homestead, FL used to sell 'weather rocks', back in the 1980's or 1990's.
Ah yes—the original analog app. No updates, no subscriptions, 100% uptime unless stolen by raccoons. The Weather Rock walked so “Is it dark outside?” could run. Truly heroic engineering.
Bet it couldn’t tell if it was dark out
If it wasn't visible, it was dark out. Maybe. Or you were looking out the wrong window. Or raccoons.
I need an app that determines: ARE THERE IDIOTS AT THE GROCERY STORE?"
That one's easy—it just checks if the store is open.
Especially down here in Florida
It kind of reminds me of the long-running website Is It a Jewish Holiday Today?, which for all I know may also be an app by this time.
https://isitajewishholidaytoday.com/
Totally. A comfortingly specific corner of the internet.
Remember that Al Sleet, the hippy dippy weatherman, reported: "Weather tonight: DARK. Turning partly light by morning."
You know who is getting the birds to dive into humans?
Squirrels.
ChatGPT told me so. On my phone. Really.
Then it must be true.
Isn’t that the ChatGPT that said you are dead?
I understand ChatGPT is actually written by squirrels. Robot squirrels. 😳 OK. I made that up. Or the squirrels did.
The roller coaster lady clearly knew the noun 'duck' but using it as a verb would have probably worked out much better for her.
I bet more people get hit by flying hot dogs on the roller coaster at SeaWorld. These would be the ones the gulls grabbed from unwitting kids in the park and then dropped because they tasted so bad.
Flying fish?
Flying fish?
Dave, if it helps your research into the Tippi Hedron Effect (you could look it up), I have personally gotten the bird during many rides --- usually when driving.
You, too? Speaking of which, I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read, “I’m retired. Go around me.” 😁
Favorite (rear) bumper sticker recently spotted: "Look out for the idiot behind me."
I want a bumper sticker that says “Are we here yet?”
My favorite: "The closer you get, the slower I drive."
Tippi Hedron Effect is a great band name.
Thanks for this, I was wondering why no one else had referenced the Alfred Hitchcock movie with regard to this column - including Dave. It was the first thing I thought of, but I guess that just shows how old I am! Although I think Dave is older.
My sister and I got to go to the movies once a week and our parents paid little attention to what we saw. We went to see The Birds and returned home with a deep distrust of our pet parakeet, Petey. I totally understand Fabio’s trauma.
Oh, Dave. Haven't you heard? Birds aren't real. Thanks to Peter McIndoe, we have known since 2016 that the U.S. government exterminated all birds and replaced them with surveillance drones. You might notice birds frequently sitting in a row on power lines; that's how they recharge. It's all been so obvious for so long, but it took Mr. McIndoe to reveal to the world that birds are a lie.
Also, I have an app on my phone called "Am I Alive?" I press it, and it highlights all the joints in my body that are currently in pain, thereby reassuring me of my continued existence. "I hurt, therefore I am."
I need that app.
Birs aren't real? So windmills aren't needed to exterminate them?
Jochen! The windmills are indispensable for eliminating the surveillance drones that have replaced the birds. So now the only question is: are windmills real? %-)
Excellent first column of 2026 Dave. Many laugh out loud moments for me. Thanks.
Thanks. Really needed some laughs today.
I think we’d all feel better about cell phones if they were better behaved.
I try to reason with mine. “Now,” I say, “I’m going to put you in my pocket. Just take a nap, OK? NO FUNNY BUSINESS! Don’t open apps. Don’t send off bizarre messages. Don’t start up YouTube videos that will make everyone within a hundred feet of me look around and wonder why I’m such a bad cell-phone owner.”
But does it listen? Not yet. Hold on - Who started up that podcast?
My phone and watch keep answering questions they claim I asked. So they’re listening to me. Boy, they must be really bored.
Personally, I'm just grateful my name isn't Alexa or Siri.