Mission: Highly Improbable

Every Tom Cruise Movie Ever

As the movie opens, a private jet owned by a shadowy organization is flying over an active volcano. Inside the cabin, Tom Cruise is lying on the floor with a tranquilizer dart sticking into his neck. He is handcuffed, and his entire body is tightly bound by steel chains attached to heavy weights. His feet are encased in concrete. He still looks boyish. Standing over him, holding a small electronic box, is the Mystery Villain, who is wearing a mask.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: Ha ha, Tom Cruise! Now I have gained possession of the plot device! Once I obtain the other plot device, I will connect the two devices, and then, because of a vaguely scientific explanation involving the word "algorithm," the human race will be wiped out! And there is nothing you can do to stop me! Ha ha!

TOM CRUISE (cockily): Oh really? We haven't even reached the opening credits yet.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: And we never will! Henchpersons, kill Tom Cruise and dispose of him!

The Mystery Villain's henchpersons use a chainsaw to cut off Tom Cruise's head. They open the fuselage door and throw the head and body out of the plane.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: Ha ha! Tom Cruise has been decapitated and is falling in two separate pieces toward an active volcano. Now he cannot possibly thwart me as he has done to every previous villain in this franchise!

Meanwhile below, as Tom Cruise's body plummets toward the volcano, it manages to free itself from the chains, the handcuffs and the concrete. It then gives the thumbs-up to Tom Cruise's head, which winks back with cheeky boyish confidence as the wind tousles its hair. As Tom Cruise’s body reaches for Tom Cruise’s head, both pieces of Tom Cruise plunge into the molten lava.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: Ha ha! That lava is 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit! Tom Cruise is finished now! Even he couldn't... Wait a minute! What's that sound? Could it possibly be...

As the credits end, The scene shifts to:

PARIS — Three Hours Later

Tom Cruise, having fully recovered from the decapitation and molten lava, is meeting with his ragtag team of rogue misfits: the Tech Genius, the Wryly Humorous British Person, and the Attractive Woman Who Would Be a Potential Love Interest for Tom Cruise Except That Something Tragic Always Happens To Her.

TOM CRUISE: We need to find the second plot device before the Mystery Villain does.

TECH GENIUS (tapping on laptop): OK, with a few keystrokes I've hacked into every database in existence, and... found it!

TOM CRUISE: Where?

TECH GENIUS: On the Moon. It's in an underground vault protected by... Uh-oh, this is bad.

TOM CRUISE: What is it? Extremely high voltage? Lasers? Missile-firing drones? Poison gas?

TECH GENIUS: It requires two-factor authentication.

TOM CRUISE: Dammit!

TECH GENIUS: There's no way you can get past that.

TOM CRUISE (grimly): I have to try.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: I'll go with you, Tom Cruise! (She dies.)

BRITISH PERSON (wryly): That was fast.

TOM CRUISE: Speaking of fast, it's time for a car chase that costs $35 million to film and sucks up ten minutes of screen time but in no way advances the plot.

Tom Cruise engages in a car chase resulting in the destruction of every motor vehicle in Western Europe. The scene then shifts to:

RIO DE JANEIRO — Two Hours Later

Tom Cruise is again meeting with his ragtag team of rogue misfits, including a Replacement Attractive Woman.

BRITISH PERSON: Why are we suddenly in Brazil?

TOM CRUISE: There's no time to explain. I need a rocket that can get me to the Moon.

TECH GENIUS (tapping on laptop): OK, the Russians have one. I'll get a plane to take you to....

TOM CRUISE: Dammit, there's no time! (He starts running.)

BRITISH PERSON: He's going to run to Russia?

REPLACEMENT ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: (Dies)

The scene shifts to:

THE WHITE HOUSE

The President of the United States is being briefed by his top general.

GENERAL: Mr. President, Tom Cruise is on his way to Russia, where we believe he intends to steal a rocket, fly to the Moon and obtain the other plot device, thereby saving the human race. We're doing everything we can to stop him.

THE PRESIDENT: Stop him? Why?

GENERAL: Sir, in this franchise we always try to stop Tom Cruise.

THE PRESIDENT: Well OK then.

The scene shifts to:

SMERDVOSKOSK, RUSSIA, ROCKET LAUNCH FACILITY

Tom Cruise arrives at the launch pad, winded after running here from Brazil but still boyish. The rocket is guarded by 400 heavily armed Russian troops. Tom Cruise quickly overpowers them, then boards the rocket. There are two Russian astronauts in the cockpit. They speak Russian with subtitles.

FIRST ASTRONAUT: Привет! ("Hey!")

SECOND ASTRONAUT: Это Том Круз? ("Is that Tom Cruise?")

FIRST ASTRONAUT: Нет, Том Круз выше. ("No, Tom Cruise is taller.")

Tom Cruise quickly overpowers them and throws them out of the rocket. He then contacts the Tech Nerd via a magical earpiece.

TOM CRUISE (flipping switches): OK, I'm launching the rocket. Get me the coordinates for the Moon.

TECH NERD (tapping on keyboard): I've uploaded them, but there's a problem. You have only enough fuel to go 150,000 miles, and the Moon is 238,000 miles away.

TOM CRUISE: I'll have to jump.

TECH NERD: You plan to jump across 88,000 miles of outer space with no spacesuit?

TOM CRUISE: I'll hold my breath.

TECH NERD (thoughtfully): It just might work.

The scene shifts to:

THE WHITE HOUSE

GENERAL: Mr. President, Tom Cruise is approaching the Moon. But it appears that the Mystery Villain got there first.

THE PRESIDENT: Who is this Mystery Villain, anyway?

GENERAL: Sir, if we know anything about this franchise, it will be the person we least suspect. But whoever he is, once he gains possession of the other plot device, he will wipe out all of humanity.

THE PRESIDENT: My God. What can we do?

GENERAL: We're deploying every available resource in an effort to stop him.

THE PRESIDENT: The Mystery Villain?

GENERAL: No sir. Tom Cruise.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, right.

The scene shifts to:

AN UNDERGROUND VAULT ON THE MOON

The Mystery Villain is holding both plot devices.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: Now I have both plot devices! Once I connect them, humanity will be wiped out! Ha ha!

Just as the Mystery Villain is about to connect the devices, Tom Cruise crashes through the ceiling. He is red-faced from being in outer space but still boyish.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: Tom Cruise! How did you get here?

TOM CRUISE: I do all my own stunts.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: Well you're too late!

The Mystery Villain tries to connect the devices, but Tom Cruise jumps on him. A furious struggle ensues with the fate of humanity hanging in the balance. Finally Tom Cruise gains the upper hand. He grabs the Mystery Villain's mask, preparing to yank it off.

MYSTERY VILLAIN: No! You'll reveal my identity!

TOM CRUISE: That's right, and I'm guessing it will be a major plot twist!

He yanks off the mask.

TOM CRUISE: My God. It can't be. You're... You're...

DOLLY PARTON: Yes.

TOM CRUISE: I mean, you are literally the last person I would have suspected.

DOLLY PARTON: I know, right?

Just then a U.S. Navy Seal team, armed with machine guns, bursts into the vault.

SEAL TEAM LEADER: Hands up, Tom Cruise!

TOM CRUISE: You're making a mistake! She wants to wipe out humanity!

SEAL TEAM LEADER: Dolly Parton does? Sure.

The Navy Seals enjoy a hearty team laugh. Dolly Parton winks at Tom Cruise.

SEAL TEAM LEADER: You're under arrest, Tom Cruise!

Tom Cruise grabs the plot devices and runs for the door. The Seal Team fires 27,000 machine-gun rounds at him from close range, but he escapes.

SEAL TEAM LEADER: We have got to practice shooting more.

The scene shifts to:

THE WHITE HOUSE

GENERAL: Mister President, the crisis is over. Tom Cruise saved humanity again.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank God. What happened to the Mystery Villain?

GENERAL: He turned out to be Dolly Parton, so we had to let her go.

THE PRESIDENT: Of course. Where's Tom Cruise?

GENERAL: Fleeing, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: From us?

GENERAL: It's tradition, sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Of course.

GENERAL: He can't last long, sir. He's on the Moon.

THE PRESIDENT: True. But he’s Tom Cruise.

As they both frown thoughtfully, the scene shifts to:

THE LUNAR SURFACE

Tom Cruise is running past a crater, holding the plot devices as well as his breath. He has not had any oxygen for five hours, but he still looks boyish. There will definitely be a sequel.