Cudda used another choice, DB, as whether better or worse I observe women driving faster than men. Didn’t choose above average for my driving cuz didn’t want to jinx myself. Other than that, this man mostly drives because my spouse can’t sit without nodding off, she makes me nervous and I question how she ever earned certification to teach driver’s ed.
My Papa made sure that his female child would never become a driver. First, he insisted that he teach me how to drive. He was a college professor/department chairman, and couldn’t help but assume that he could instruct better than an actual driving instructor. Second, he winced audibly when I did anything. Open the car door. Fasten the safety belt. Insert the key in the ignition. We drove (at 10 mph) around an empty high school parking lot until he was exhausted from the terror. He got back into the driver’s seat and we headed home so he could have a drink and a nap.
I’m 60 (and a guy of the male gender) and when I bought a new convertible 2 years ago I made sure it had a back up camera and rear cross traffic warning so I wouldn’t get into trouble backing out of a parking space at the grocery store where everyone drives like a native Miamian. I also got blind spot warning and lane keeping assist so that I won’t change lanes into a spot that someone else is already in. The car also has adaptive cruise control so that I don’t rear end the guy in front of me.
Man, I wish everyone had those things. When I rode motorcycles I assumed that everyone in a car or truck was one or more of blind, drunk, stoned, or stupid. I was rarely disappointed.
Might I suggest that a good use of my munificent Substack subscription fee would be to purchase a car with an Autopilot, which “refers to a suite of advanced driver assistance features that are intended to make driving safer and less stressful. None of these features make it fully autonomous or replace you as the driver.… Autopilot is a hands-on feature. Keep your hands on the steering wheel at all times and be mindful of road conditions, surrounding traffic, and other road users (such as pedestrians and cyclists). Always be prepared to take immediate action.”
I have those features and it didn’t prevent a lunatic from backing into me after I’d stopped backing up. My car is not one year old. But I have to pay for my repairs bc we were both in reverse. 🤬
What got the Cobalt driver into trouble was that he was driving on the runway without first stowing his tray table and returning his seatback to its full upright and locked position.
I am 87 and I still drive, having been approved for that by a body of people who would prefer to see anybody over 60 ride-sharing. But (and I’m sorry for being serious here) in the car, I would rather be warned about something I already know about than not warned about something I ought to know about.
We have superior drivers here in Orlando. Mainly because at least half of them are British tourists and while they present a hazard by occasionally slipping up and driving on the left, they are very polite about it.
The roads in Orlando are so endlessly confusing and poor signage doesn't help, so I'm glad to hear the Brits are on top of it. I'm from a tiny town on the coast, and we do not have superior drivers.
Dave, I just met Herb and Gladys, and am most impressed by your prescience 26 years ago! in proposing Option 2. Not only are you a brilliant humorist, but you introduced a concept which after a quarter of a century would lead to better regulations for womens sports and medical attention to improve mental healthcare for youth. As you're unlikely to be publicly recognized for this, I must express my appreciation.
The mention of radio station changing skills in that article made me realize that I haven’t heard either of the once overplayed songs by America in ages. I’ll have to remember to not listen to them later today.
Yeah. A lot of mail from people I don't know comes to "Mr. Wister..." It's a quick way to know that it goes straight to the recycling bin! My folks liked the name, it's in our family tree, but it doesn't really come across in a "feminine" way! ;)
I grew up in way-up-the-holler Idaho, where I was allowed to get my (daytime only) drivers license at the age of fourteen. At ten minutes to twelve on my fourteenth birthday, I drove to the county courthouse to take the written test. The time of day is important here because Carmen Irwin, who administered and scored the test, was known to go to lunch precisely at noon. When I'd come upon a question to which I didn't know the answer, I'd say, "I know this one...I KNOW this one...I JUST read it..." and Carmen would say, "It's B Chris. Now hurry up." I've gone back and looked at my high school transcript and there is NO exam on which I got a better grade than on that first drivers test. We were never required to take an actual driving test because...who wants to sit shotgun in any motorized vehicle operated by a fourteen-year-old? Not Carmen Irwin. I'm seventy-nine years old as I write this, and I have yet to take an actual driving test...AND when my partner and I get in the car I ALWAYS get behind the wheel because I am a HETEROSEXUAL AMERICAN MALE with all the rights and privileges bestowed upon me by goons just like me. I write this as a cautionary tale, to be read by all legitimate drivers, cyclists, pedestrians and raccoons in and around Spokane, WA. Y'all better LOOK BOTH WAYS!
My sister is the driver and brother-in-law the passenger in their family. I believe that this is because she, like the rest her siblings, was taught by my father who began driving in Boston, that paragon of civil, competent motorists, in 1934. He liked to say that he was the number one driver in Massachusetts as everyone he passed raised a single digit in his direction.
… until some schmuck sees all us stupid drivers queued up at at exit ramp like sheep and cleverly thinks, “I’ll just zip past those suckers and then cut in front of them right before the actual exit. Ha ha, losers!”
At which point, I become a territorial Neanderthal whose primary fundamental need is to PREVENT THE SCHMUCK FROM CUTTING IN! I will drive dangerously close to the bumper of the car in front of me, jealously guarding the gap between us, denying the schmuck an opening. And then, as the schmuck begins to fall back, planning to slip in behind me, I also fall back to prevent that.
Thus, I turn from a perfectly technocratic driver into a madman willing to die over a car length.
Again, did I also marry YOU?! Because that scenario is eerily similar to ones that have occurred throughout the shared driving-passengering history of my marriage. It’s a little creepy how perfectly you describe it………
I am the female member of a heterosexual couple. No matter how often I offer to drive, my husband says thanks, but he'd rather do it. His reasoning is that, while I can read while the car is in motion, reading in a moving vehicle makes him car sick. It's a lame excuse, because it is not mandatory for the passenger to read, but I go along with it to maintain marital harmony. And, the truth be told, I'd rather read anyway (but don't tell my spouse).
My grandfather died quietly in his sleep. The passengers in his car died screaming and crying, however.
Cudda used another choice, DB, as whether better or worse I observe women driving faster than men. Didn’t choose above average for my driving cuz didn’t want to jinx myself. Other than that, this man mostly drives because my spouse can’t sit without nodding off, she makes me nervous and I question how she ever earned certification to teach driver’s ed.
My Papa made sure that his female child would never become a driver. First, he insisted that he teach me how to drive. He was a college professor/department chairman, and couldn’t help but assume that he could instruct better than an actual driving instructor. Second, he winced audibly when I did anything. Open the car door. Fasten the safety belt. Insert the key in the ignition. We drove (at 10 mph) around an empty high school parking lot until he was exhausted from the terror. He got back into the driver’s seat and we headed home so he could have a drink and a nap.
Holy Hell, I did not see that one coming!!! I’m wheezing!!! 🤣🤣🤣
It’s from the old SNL shorts, “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey;” the wording is a little different.
I adored Jack Handy! I wish they would revive it, while also worrying that it just could never be the same. 🤣💜
His Web site supposedly offers a "daily Deep Thought," here:
https://deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/daily-deep-thought/
...but I've never remembered to revisit it the next day to see if it actually changes. But maybe worth a try?
Definitely worth a try!
Excellent, thank you! Gonna bookmark it! 👏🏻🤣👏🏻🤣👏🏻
Jack handy was a really great US Senator too. It’s a shame he resigned.
Prayers and thoughts, while I try quietly to laugh hysterically.
I’m 60 (and a guy of the male gender) and when I bought a new convertible 2 years ago I made sure it had a back up camera and rear cross traffic warning so I wouldn’t get into trouble backing out of a parking space at the grocery store where everyone drives like a native Miamian. I also got blind spot warning and lane keeping assist so that I won’t change lanes into a spot that someone else is already in. The car also has adaptive cruise control so that I don’t rear end the guy in front of me.
Man, I wish everyone had those things. When I rode motorcycles I assumed that everyone in a car or truck was one or more of blind, drunk, stoned, or stupid. I was rarely disappointed.
Might I suggest that a good use of my munificent Substack subscription fee would be to purchase a car with an Autopilot, which “refers to a suite of advanced driver assistance features that are intended to make driving safer and less stressful. None of these features make it fully autonomous or replace you as the driver.… Autopilot is a hands-on feature. Keep your hands on the steering wheel at all times and be mindful of road conditions, surrounding traffic, and other road users (such as pedestrians and cyclists). Always be prepared to take immediate action.”
I have those features and it didn’t prevent a lunatic from backing into me after I’d stopped backing up. My car is not one year old. But I have to pay for my repairs bc we were both in reverse. 🤬
My husband usually drives, allowing me the opportunity to scream and say snarky things like "Do you follow Jesus this close?"
What got the Cobalt driver into trouble was that he was driving on the runway without first stowing his tray table and returning his seatback to its full upright and locked position.
👏🏻🤣👏🏻🤣👏🏻
I am 87 and I still drive, having been approved for that by a body of people who would prefer to see anybody over 60 ride-sharing. But (and I’m sorry for being serious here) in the car, I would rather be warned about something I already know about than not warned about something I ought to know about.
We have superior drivers here in Orlando. Mainly because at least half of them are British tourists and while they present a hazard by occasionally slipping up and driving on the left, they are very polite about it.
The roads in Orlando are so endlessly confusing and poor signage doesn't help, so I'm glad to hear the Brits are on top of it. I'm from a tiny town on the coast, and we do not have superior drivers.
It’s obvious “Twist and Shout” was written by Mrs. Isley describing herself when accompanying Mr. Isley on road trips through the South.
Well done. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I'm still chortling
When I first drove in south Florida, I was amazed at seeing a self-driving Cadillac.
Gradually I realized there were two sets of knuckles on the steering wheel. Then I saw six heads barely over the seats, likely headed to dinner.
We always called those six packs.
hahaha
As long as Michelle can take the vision part of the test for Dave, the current division of labor in the car seems to be perfectly fine
Confession: I adapted this from Dave's column on Herb and Gladys driving https://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article222036825.html
Dave, I just met Herb and Gladys, and am most impressed by your prescience 26 years ago! in proposing Option 2. Not only are you a brilliant humorist, but you introduced a concept which after a quarter of a century would lead to better regulations for womens sports and medical attention to improve mental healthcare for youth. As you're unlikely to be publicly recognized for this, I must express my appreciation.
Thanks for the introduction to Herb and Gladys. Delightful!
The mention of radio station changing skills in that article made me realize that I haven’t heard either of the once overplayed songs by America in ages. I’ll have to remember to not listen to them later today.
It should be noted that men typically do the driving because women typically do the napping -- at least in my experience.
😅. Rich, that’s so we aren’t awake to see all the near misses…
Wis, are you a woman?
Yep
Haha! I had no idea. Because I told you my husband had a college mate named Wister who was a man so in my mind’s eye, so were you!
Yeah. A lot of mail from people I don't know comes to "Mr. Wister..." It's a quick way to know that it goes straight to the recycling bin! My folks liked the name, it's in our family tree, but it doesn't really come across in a "feminine" way! ;)
But you know, Mister Wister has a certain ring to it,
I grew up in way-up-the-holler Idaho, where I was allowed to get my (daytime only) drivers license at the age of fourteen. At ten minutes to twelve on my fourteenth birthday, I drove to the county courthouse to take the written test. The time of day is important here because Carmen Irwin, who administered and scored the test, was known to go to lunch precisely at noon. When I'd come upon a question to which I didn't know the answer, I'd say, "I know this one...I KNOW this one...I JUST read it..." and Carmen would say, "It's B Chris. Now hurry up." I've gone back and looked at my high school transcript and there is NO exam on which I got a better grade than on that first drivers test. We were never required to take an actual driving test because...who wants to sit shotgun in any motorized vehicle operated by a fourteen-year-old? Not Carmen Irwin. I'm seventy-nine years old as I write this, and I have yet to take an actual driving test...AND when my partner and I get in the car I ALWAYS get behind the wheel because I am a HETEROSEXUAL AMERICAN MALE with all the rights and privileges bestowed upon me by goons just like me. I write this as a cautionary tale, to be read by all legitimate drivers, cyclists, pedestrians and raccoons in and around Spokane, WA. Y'all better LOOK BOTH WAYS!
My sister is the driver and brother-in-law the passenger in their family. I believe that this is because she, like the rest her siblings, was taught by my father who began driving in Boston, that paragon of civil, competent motorists, in 1934. He liked to say that he was the number one driver in Massachusetts as everyone he passed raised a single digit in his direction.
I have been reliably informed that the reason Boston drivers do not use turn signals is that it is regarded as giving away your strategy.
I’m an absolutely terrific driver …
… until some schmuck sees all us stupid drivers queued up at at exit ramp like sheep and cleverly thinks, “I’ll just zip past those suckers and then cut in front of them right before the actual exit. Ha ha, losers!”
At which point, I become a territorial Neanderthal whose primary fundamental need is to PREVENT THE SCHMUCK FROM CUTTING IN! I will drive dangerously close to the bumper of the car in front of me, jealously guarding the gap between us, denying the schmuck an opening. And then, as the schmuck begins to fall back, planning to slip in behind me, I also fall back to prevent that.
Thus, I turn from a perfectly technocratic driver into a madman willing to die over a car length.
So, yes, women have to be better than this.
But when the schmuck misses his exit? Worth it.
I also do this.
Perhaps it is time to let the wives drive.
What am I talking about? That’s heresy. Forget I said that.
Will watch for you both on “Road Wars” or “Road Rage.”
Again, did I also marry YOU?! Because that scenario is eerily similar to ones that have occurred throughout the shared driving-passengering history of my marriage. It’s a little creepy how perfectly you describe it………
Your other husbands and I have been meaning to talk to you …
Ahahhahahahaha! 🤣🤣🤣
As a woman who also drives, I declare this is unequivocally false. I am so trying to unlearn this behavior.
Jeffrey, me too
I am the female member of a heterosexual couple. No matter how often I offer to drive, my husband says thanks, but he'd rather do it. His reasoning is that, while I can read while the car is in motion, reading in a moving vehicle makes him car sick. It's a lame excuse, because it is not mandatory for the passenger to read, but I go along with it to maintain marital harmony. And, the truth be told, I'd rather read anyway (but don't tell my spouse).
I am NOT going to share this article with my husband.. he will see far too many similarities 🙄
I drove in Miami for three years in the early 1990s. It aged me.