I was SO inspired by your essay that I'm gonna surprise my wife of 40+ years with the destination wedding we couldn't afford the first time around.
AND. Taking a cue from Mr. Bezos: what destination could be more romantic than.......SPACE! (...other than, of course, the moon, Mars, or the Sun)...
So...
I've designed a pair of rockets using rigid PVC pipe and powered by Estes C6-5 model rocket engines for our trip. My lovely wife, using proprietary 'girl-math', calculated that we will need 720 engines per rocket to achieve orbit.
Unfortunately, I can't afford enough engines for two rockets so, I'm sending her off first and I'll join her in a few weeks or so.
Dave, have you ever considered running for President? I have to be diplomatic here, but the current POTUS ‘is NOT VERY FUNNY.’ If you were POTUS, countries would love us again, especially Canada and Greenland. PLEASE consider the aforementioned suggestion and let me know at your earliest convenience as our current POTUS is a looney tune.
BTW: You are my absolute favorite humorist and have never failed to make me LMFAO. I have read every one of your books and I’m so happy to have found you here on Substack to get my Dave Barry fix. We need you now more than ever. Thanks Dave.😊
Those C6-5 engines are the best! We would pour lighter fluid on them, light them and hit them with a hammer. I think you lose some level of directional control when you do it that way but boy! What a bright light.
As an adolescent, one of my old boyfriends blew off half a thumb off with a cherry bomb. He was a brilliant, hateful guy, and one of my friends asked me if he bit his thumb off. Does this count?
If a Kardashian or Bezos were going to be at my wedding, it would definitely be a root canal situation.
A destination wedding would be fine with me as long as someone I’m not related to was paying for everything and I could do what I wanted when I wanted - in other words, a vacation.
Isn’t the point of the destination wedding to weed out all the peripheral people you don’t actually care to have at your wedding, but still wouldn’t mind a gift from?
For a great destination wedding location, I submit this entry:
What makes Ittoqqortoormiit special?
The most isolated town in Greenland, Ittoqqortoormiit’s neighbours include the World’s largest national park to the north and the World’s largest fjord system to the south. Ittoqqortoormiit’s backyard is an unspoiled, pristine wilderness where wild animals thrive, millions of seabirds nest, enormous icebergs form a constantly changing sculpture gallery, and local hunters still follow the ancient traditions. Ittoqqortoormiit is the best place in Greenland to experience the traditional Inuit style of living and where you have the highest chance/risk of meeting a polar bear.
From the same webpage, this advice on travel and timing:
How to get to Ittoqqortoormiit
Although Ittoqqortoormiit is a town in Greenland, there are no direct internal flights. Visitors must travel from Reykjavik or Akureyri in Iceland to Nerlerit Inaat (Constable Point), and then take either a helicopter, boat, or snowmobile transfer across the last ~40kms to Ittoqqortoormiit. Alternatively, you can join one of the expedition cruises that call into port during the summer.
The best times to visit Ittoqqortoormiit are: July – August (sailing, hiking), and February – May (dog sledding, snowmobiling, Northern Lights), February – April (seal hunting) and March, August – October, December (musk-ox hunting).
Since tipping is not a part of Greenland's picture, the cost for bypassing Hegseth might be worth the inconvenience of being detained upon return to the US.
I wonder if your guest(s) are eaten by a polar bear if there is some kind of price reduction for their lodging
I have it on good authority that “Ittoqqortoormiit” in Greenlandic… or whatever native language they speak there — means “land of the frozen gonads.” So even if this is your destination for the wedding, you may want to consider a honeymoon on the other side of the world.
Oh, and I thought both of my daughters’ weddings were terrific. Now I realize we did not have a single Kardashian present. I’m so ashamed! MerryCatholic.substack.com
Understand you can now rent one with their own RV so, you're in luck. Better late than never when it comes to a Kardashian as I believe the proverb goes.
"Bezos, the megabillionaire who owns Amazon, The Washington Post and numerous space rockets, but is still bald." I bet HE wishes he still had bangs.
When I was poor several friends had "destination weddings" , the destinations in question being "Their Backyards". Some of them have actually remained married to this day and now their kids are getting married!
Speaking of which, congratulations to Sophie on the impending <strike>doom</strike> wedding!
Maybe it’s just me, but Jeff Bezo’s rocket ship looks like a big blue metaphor, metaphorically speaking. I know that has absolutely nothing to do with destination weddings but I couldn’t help myself.
I feel you should have mentioned the Overpriced Hotel Room requirement, i.e., the bride-to-be must reserve a block of rooms at a nearby hotel that will charge her guests AT LEAST as much as the cost of a Porsche Carrera. Per night.
There should be an option to change your vote. I voted while on the email page and was transported to the actual page where I realized my vote was not the most popular vote (I was torn between 2 options, I chose the less popular one). I am a lemming. Not the delicious yellow, sour kind from which lemmingade is made, but the extremely social kind that follows the pack. I wish I could take it back and revote, but I'm stuck looking like a rebel loser.
C'mon Dave. It's not all sweetness, light and a 900-page prenup for Bezos and Rocket Maiden. What if you had a $500 million yacht and couldn't dock it in downtown Venice and your guests had to take (gasp!) smaller boats to get there? That inconvenience alone would be enough to cast a pall over the proceedings. And those Venetians! First they turn down your offer to rent the place (except for St. Mark's) and then they complain about the environmental effects of too many Kardashians. Ingrates! Probably would have been better off with Hoboken, the Venice of New Jersey (when it rains).
I was SO inspired by your essay that I'm gonna surprise my wife of 40+ years with the destination wedding we couldn't afford the first time around.
AND. Taking a cue from Mr. Bezos: what destination could be more romantic than.......SPACE! (...other than, of course, the moon, Mars, or the Sun)...
So...
I've designed a pair of rockets using rigid PVC pipe and powered by Estes C6-5 model rocket engines for our trip. My lovely wife, using proprietary 'girl-math', calculated that we will need 720 engines per rocket to achieve orbit.
Unfortunately, I can't afford enough engines for two rockets so, I'm sending her off first and I'll join her in a few weeks or so.
Luv ya, hun!
Dave, have you ever considered running for President? I have to be diplomatic here, but the current POTUS ‘is NOT VERY FUNNY.’ If you were POTUS, countries would love us again, especially Canada and Greenland. PLEASE consider the aforementioned suggestion and let me know at your earliest convenience as our current POTUS is a looney tune.
BTW: You are my absolute favorite humorist and have never failed to make me LMFAO. I have read every one of your books and I’m so happy to have found you here on Substack to get my Dave Barry fix. We need you now more than ever. Thanks Dave.😊
Canada and Greenland maybe, but I don't think Venice is going to appreciate him very much after this essay comes out.
Ooooooo. I forgot about that part.
I’m with you on every one of your points. I would even donate to his campaign.
This is hilarious! 🤣
You can get flux capacitors on Amazon, so you can just go back in time and do a destination wedding. Everything was a lot cheaper in 1960.
Those C6-5 engines are the best! We would pour lighter fluid on them, light them and hit them with a hammer. I think you lose some level of directional control when you do it that way but boy! What a bright light.
You obviously smacked whole rolls of caps with a hammer. I’m 73 and still do that.
Sounds like fun...do you still have all your fingers?
And both eyes! My hearings' not what it used to be.
As an adolescent, one of my old boyfriends blew off half a thumb off with a cherry bomb. He was a brilliant, hateful guy, and one of my friends asked me if he bit his thumb off. Does this count?
You guys. Always have to blow things up. But we love you anyway!
Watch out Dave! Tutti may have topped you this time.
Nah.... just 'riffin' on master Barry's prose; he's my fave author....next to Carl Hiassen (of course!)
You mean the future EX Mrs Jeffrey Bezos.
Garter Toss would be a great name for a wedding band.
Well, I’ve already told my daughter that if she has a destination wedding to send me some pictures.
If a Kardashian or Bezos were going to be at my wedding, it would definitely be a root canal situation.
A destination wedding would be fine with me as long as someone I’m not related to was paying for everything and I could do what I wanted when I wanted - in other words, a vacation.
Madame, you are correct.
I got married 18 years ago but this still gave me a whiff of PTSD.
Signed -- a (former) bride who planned a destination wedding
Isn’t the point of the destination wedding to weed out all the peripheral people you don’t actually care to have at your wedding, but still wouldn’t mind a gift from?
Exactly.
Problem with that is some truly awful gifts.
For a great destination wedding location, I submit this entry:
What makes Ittoqqortoormiit special?
The most isolated town in Greenland, Ittoqqortoormiit’s neighbours include the World’s largest national park to the north and the World’s largest fjord system to the south. Ittoqqortoormiit’s backyard is an unspoiled, pristine wilderness where wild animals thrive, millions of seabirds nest, enormous icebergs form a constantly changing sculpture gallery, and local hunters still follow the ancient traditions. Ittoqqortoormiit is the best place in Greenland to experience the traditional Inuit style of living and where you have the highest chance/risk of meeting a polar bear.
https://visitgreenland.com/destinations/ittoqqortoormiit/
From the same webpage, this advice on travel and timing:
How to get to Ittoqqortoormiit
Although Ittoqqortoormiit is a town in Greenland, there are no direct internal flights. Visitors must travel from Reykjavik or Akureyri in Iceland to Nerlerit Inaat (Constable Point), and then take either a helicopter, boat, or snowmobile transfer across the last ~40kms to Ittoqqortoormiit. Alternatively, you can join one of the expedition cruises that call into port during the summer.
The best times to visit Ittoqqortoormiit are: July – August (sailing, hiking), and February – May (dog sledding, snowmobiling, Northern Lights), February – April (seal hunting) and March, August – October, December (musk-ox hunting).
Understand Hegseth has cautioned Greenland not to accept anymore destination weddings until further notice.
Since tipping is not a part of Greenland's picture, the cost for bypassing Hegseth might be worth the inconvenience of being detained upon return to the US.
I wonder if your guest(s) are eaten by a polar bear if there is some kind of price reduction for their lodging
Oh boy! Let's go!
I have it on good authority that “Ittoqqortoormiit” in Greenlandic… or whatever native language they speak there — means “land of the frozen gonads.” So even if this is your destination for the wedding, you may want to consider a honeymoon on the other side of the world.
Didn't they refuse to entertain Shady JD and his wife?
Do you have to keep the musk-ox?
You can bring them back after registration as a trained comfort animal
If they turn out to be bad houseguests, they could be left in the Everglades where they can make new friends
My understanding is that you can always gift them to China.
Ittoqqortoormiit sounds like a blast. But I've spent my life reducing my odds of meeting a polar bear, not increasing, so I'll have to pass.
I voted root canal, but I take that back. I have an *excellent* endodontist and not a problem with needles.
I change my vote to colonoscopy.
I change my vote to job interview..
Who wouldn’t?
Oh, and I thought both of my daughters’ weddings were terrific. Now I realize we did not have a single Kardashian present. I’m so ashamed! MerryCatholic.substack.com
Understand you can now rent one with their own RV so, you're in luck. Better late than never when it comes to a Kardashian as I believe the proverb goes.
Uh…Better never than late.
Didn't have a single Kardashian at my daughter's wedding, either. Who wants trash at a wedding anyway?
"Bezos, the megabillionaire who owns Amazon, The Washington Post and numerous space rockets, but is still bald." I bet HE wishes he still had bangs.
When I was poor several friends had "destination weddings" , the destinations in question being "Their Backyards". Some of them have actually remained married to this day and now their kids are getting married!
Speaking of which, congratulations to Sophie on the impending <strike>doom</strike> wedding!
Did you mean big bangs???? Poor guy. Lousy honeymoon, I guess. He should sprung for an emerald instead of a synthetic diamond.
Maybe it’s just me, but Jeff Bezo’s rocket ship looks like a big blue metaphor, metaphorically speaking. I know that has absolutely nothing to do with destination weddings but I couldn’t help myself.
Maybe it's blue because -- to *cough* extend the metaphor -- it's being gripped so tightly (maybe by the bride-to-be) that it can't breathe.
Every time prime video comes on and I have to sign in, and his logo comes on, I yell there’s Bezos’ peepee!
"...but is still bald." Almost snort-giggled coffee into my keyboard.
(Me too)
You forgot to mention the bagpiper.
An electric bagpiper with amps to rival Pink Floyd!
Amps that go to 11.
I always associate bagpipers with funerals, not weddings.
I’m Scottish and I’m offended!
Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
Snort laugh
I feel you should have mentioned the Overpriced Hotel Room requirement, i.e., the bride-to-be must reserve a block of rooms at a nearby hotel that will charge her guests AT LEAST as much as the cost of a Porsche Carrera. Per night.
There should be an option to change your vote. I voted while on the email page and was transported to the actual page where I realized my vote was not the most popular vote (I was torn between 2 options, I chose the less popular one). I am a lemming. Not the delicious yellow, sour kind from which lemmingade is made, but the extremely social kind that follows the pack. I wish I could take it back and revote, but I'm stuck looking like a rebel loser.
First, you must change your password. Get verified. Get mad and quit.
C'mon Dave. It's not all sweetness, light and a 900-page prenup for Bezos and Rocket Maiden. What if you had a $500 million yacht and couldn't dock it in downtown Venice and your guests had to take (gasp!) smaller boats to get there? That inconvenience alone would be enough to cast a pall over the proceedings. And those Venetians! First they turn down your offer to rent the place (except for St. Mark's) and then they complain about the environmental effects of too many Kardashians. Ingrates! Probably would have been better off with Hoboken, the Venice of New Jersey (when it rains).