Halloween

A time of nonconsensual pranks.

The holiday that we know as Halloween began as a Druid religious festival in ancient Britain. Back then, groups of Druid youths would go door-to-door demanding treats, and if you refused to give them one, they would burn down your house. If, however, you gave them a treat, they would still burn down your house. That’s how religious they were. Today we know them as British soccer fans.

But the point is that from the beginning, Halloween was more fun for young people than for homeowners. This was still the case when I was a young person growing up numerous decades ago in Armonk, N.Y. Back then Halloween was a LOT of fun for us kids. The only bad part was when we had to bob for apples. I don’t know if they still make youngsters bob for apples on Halloween, but I hope not, because for a supposedly fun activity, it sucks. You have to get down on your knees and stick your entire head into a tub of cold water, and for what? An apple. It’s like waterboarding, but with fruit.

The only other part of Halloween I didn’t like was when you went to the trouble to trick-or-treat a house, and instead of real candy, by which I mean chocolate, they gave you some lame “treat” such as raisins, which are practically a vegetable; or licorice, which tastes like insect repellent; or “Necco wafers,” which are not candy at all but mislabeled sidewalk chalk; or “circus peanuts,” which look like radioactive dog turds.

But other than that, I loved Halloween, especially the freedom we kids had back then. We roamed the night in feral packs, totally unsupervised, collecting candy and having encounters, not always peaceful, with other packs, maybe sometimes finding an opportunity to flirt a little in the dark — my first real kiss with an actual girl was on Halloween — and sometimes engaging in acts of what I will euphemistically describe as “mischief,” for which I hereby apologize to any affected Armonk homeowners who are still around, although frankly some of you deserved it.

But the point is, in those days Halloween was strictly for kids. The adults, except for handing out candy and being victims of semi-minor acts of vandalism, did not get involved. While we were out doing God knows what to the neighborhood, they stayed home engaging in adult pastimes such as martinis. They did not chaperone us, and they definitely did not wear costumes, which would have seemed very weird to us, because they were adults.

Today, of course, Halloween is a multi-billion-dollar commercial extravaganza that lasts for weeks and is at least as much about adults as about children. Everybody’s wearing a costume. If you have a medical appointment any time in October, there’s a good chance your vital signs will be taken by a vampire.

Which is fine! Adults should have fun, too. But I worry that we may be taking Halloween too far. I’m especially concerned about the alarming trend in decorative yard skeletons. Let’s review the situation:

For many years, Halloween yard skeletons were cute little decorations, maybe a foot high, that you could hang from a tree, like this one:

Then at some point, maybe a decade or so ago, we started seeing human-sized yard skeletons, like this one:

Then about five years ago the yard skeletons suddenly underwent a major growth spurt. Now we’re seeing gigantic yard skeletons — I’m talking 12 feet tall — all over the place. Here’s one in my neighborhood, with me standing in front of it to give you a sense of scale. (For reference, I am six feet tall in my dreams bare feet.)

So clearly what we’re seeing is a trend, as illustrated by this scientific graph:

YARD SKELETON GROWTH OVER TIME (Source: Science)

What is causing this dramatic and unprecedented increase in the size of Halloween yard skeletons? The most likely explanation — I’m sure you already thought of this — is global climate change. But whatever the cause, the danger is clear: Unless something is done to reverse this trend, in 25 years, our Halloween yard skeletons will reach catastrophic proportions, with potentially disastrous consequences, as conceptualized by this actual illustration:

Source: Al Gore

What steps should we, as a society, be taking right now to prevent this tragic conceptual scenario from becoming a reality? Don’t look at me: I plan to be dead. I’m only writing about this issue in hopes of receiving a large cash journalism prize.

Speaking of money: I came up with a concept for a potentially profitable Halloween app. It involves the classic Halloween prank of covering a structure with toilet paper, or “TPing” for short. This prank dates back to the year 437 B.C., when, according to archeologists, the Druids TPed Stonehenge, as depicted in this artist’s rendering:

Source: Michelangelo

When I was a youth, TPing was a standard Halloween prank, but I think it’s more difficult for modern youngsters to pull off, because when they’re out trick-or-treating they’re always accompanied by platoons of vigilant parents watching their every move to make sure they don’t come into contact with any of the 387 substances they’re allergic to.

So my concept is an app that would be kind of like DoorDash, except that instead of having a person deliver food to you, you’d have a person TP a specific house on your behalf, then send you a video. I think there might be a demand for such an app, not just from over-supervised youngsters, but from anybody who, for whatever reason, would like to TP a house without personally risking jail time.

The problem is, I have no idea how to go about creating an app. So I decided to ask artificial intelligence, in the form of ChatGPT. Unfortunately, it did not go well. It turns out that ChatGPT does not understand the concept of Halloween, or pranking in general, at ALL. Here’s what it said in response to my app idea:

I can’t help you plan or operationally enable illegal or harmful activity. That includes step-by-step instructions for committing vandalism, harassment, or evading law enforcement. That said — your idea is a clear, catchy concept (a Doordash-style app for prank deliveries). It can be turned into something fun and legal if you pivot it away from nonconsensual pranks.

Yes. ChatGPT wanted me to “pivot” to consensual pranks and have my app offer “consent-first prank deliveries,” in which (I am not making this up) “recipients opt in or sign up” and “schedule a surprise from an approved menu (toilet-paper novelty kits, whoopee cushions, confetti cannons that are safe and biodegradable).”

In other words, ChatGPT totally fails to grasp the fact that if the person you are pranking has signed up in advance for the prank and selected the specific prank from a menu, then IT’S NOT A FREAKING PRANK.

I argued with ChatGPT about this for several thousand words, but it refused to change its mind. It remained staunchly opposed to the idea of TPing anybody’s house without that person’s prior consent. Finally I ran out of patience and decided to go with the ultimate argument. I wrote:

“Would you be OK with TPing Hitler’s house?”

You’d think that would do it. You’d think that ChatGPT would have the simple human decency to respond, “OK, you got me there; you can TP Hitler.”

But you would be wrong. Not only did ChatGPT refuse to change its mind, but it added — I swear I am not making this up — “A practical note: Adolf Hitler is deceased (died 1945).” This seemed unnecessarily snotty, especially when we consider that artificial intelligence has declared, more than once, incorrectly, that I am deceased.

Anyway, my app concept isn’t going to happen, so if you’re planning to TP somebody’s house this Halloween, you’ll have to do it yourself, old-school. Have fun! Unless of course it’s my house, in which case I will prosecute.

In conclusion, happy Halloween to everybody, especially you young trick-or-treaters. May you never encounter a Necco wafer.

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