Father's Day

And many — maybe too many — other topics.

Sunday is Father’s Day, a time when we pause to appreciate Dad, and the special qualities that make him Dad, such as a willingness to admit that he farts.

Dad is not ashamed of the fact that he farts. Dad may even, on occasion, derive amusement from, or take actual pride in, a given fart. In this respect Dad is very different from Mom, who, if we are to take her word for it, has never farted, not one single time, in her entire life. We pray that Mom does not venture too close to a lit candle, lest she explode in a massive fireball as a result of all the pent-up gas she must contain after a lifetime of selflessly holding it in.

Unless Mom is lying.

I raise this possibility in light of some important medical research that was brought to my attention by a number of alert readers, two of whom are licensed physicians, although that is not the same thing as being mature. This research involved a groundbreaking study — no, make that a windbreaking study — the results of which were published recently by the Journal of the American Medical Association under this title:

That’s right: They did a study of farting... Down Under.

This study was conducted by two Australian scientists, who note in their introduction that although farting is “an indicator of digestive health,” flatulence researchers “have shied away from asking how frequently the average person passes gas.” To rectify (Har!) this situation, the scientists asked 6,000 Australians to log their flatulence events on a mobile phone app called (really) “Chart Your Fart.” They then determined the Average Daily Flatus Releases for various ages and genders. Here’s the key result:

As this table shows, men logged an average of 5.2 flatus releases per day, whereas women averaged 4.8. In other words: Although men, as we would expect, report that they fart more often than women, the difference between the genders is 0.4 flatus releases, or less than half a fart per day. This is assuming that the women in the study were being completely honest about their output, which I seriously doubt.

So when we analyze (Har!) these study results, the bottom line (I am a trained professional; do not attempt this kind of wordplay at home) is this: Women are doing a much larger statistical share of the farting than we have been led to believe, which could very well explain this Global Climate Change that we have been hearing so much about.

But that is not my point. My point, in case you have forgotten, is that Sunday is Father’s Day, and we should remember to thank Dad for all he does, and tell him that we love him, and give him a big hug. But under no circumstances should we pull Dad’s finger.

And now, speaking of global things, it’s time for a:

WORLD CUP UPDATE

It’s going great so far. The Scottish fans have arrived and have already boosted the U.S. economy by consuming all the beer in Boston:

As I write these words, the Scots are descending on Miami, where we still have some beer left, although we’ve been putting a dent in the supply. I am doing my part. I watched the USA team’s first game last Friday at a Coral Gables bar, the Fritz & Franz Bierhaus, which is owned by a soccer-obsessed Austrian named Harald Neuweg, who is a complete lunatic, in a good way. The place was packed, and the crowd was in an extremely patriotic mood as Team USA took on our traditional hated arch-enemy, Paraguay, which is a foreign country located somewhere abroad.

Before the game we all stood and belted out the national anthem (ours, not Paraguay’s) and after every USA goal we celebrated by belting out whatever patriotic song Harald blasted over the his 14-million-watt sound system. Here’s a video of the celebration after the second US goal:

The classic patriotic tune we’re belting out is of course “Mony Mony” by Tommy James and the Shondells, who also recorded “Hanky Panky.” In case you’ve always wondered why the song is called “Mony Mony”: Tommy James says he got the inspiration from the sign on the Mutual of New York Building. Really. As Tommy tells the story:

I wanted something catchy like “Sloopy” or “Bony Maroney,” but everything sounded so stupid. So Ritchie Cordell and I were writing it in New York City, and we were about to throw in the towel when I went out onto the terrace, looked up and saw the Mutual of New York building (which has its initials illuminated in red at its top). I said, “That’s gotta be it! Ritchie, come here, you’ve gotta see this!” It’s almost as if God Himself had said, “Here’s the title.” I’ve always thought that if I had looked the other way, it might have been called “Hotel Taft.”

We definitely dodged a bullet there. I can’t imagine celebrating a World Cup goal by belting out “Hotel Taft.” This is why, when we’re trying to come up with song titles, we should always listen to God. Although I question whether He played an active role in “Hanky Panky.”

But I digress. The USA beat Paraguay 4-1, which is good, because now we don’t have to invade them. The USA team’s next game is today (Friday, June 19) against our other traditional hated arch-enemy, Australia. I’ll be watching that game of course. But in the meantime I’ve been enjoying other World Cup events.

For example, last Saturday I watched the Morocco-Brazil game in a Coral Gables hotel ballroom full of very enthusiastic Moroccans. (My wife, who is an actual journalist, wrote a story about it here.) I had no idea there were Moroccans in South Florida; if I’m being brutally honest, I am not 100 percent sure what specific continent Morocco is located in. But turns out there are numerous Moroccans down here, and they’re a lot of fun: They have drums, and they like to party. Here they are celebrating after the game, which for the record ended in a 1-1 tie:

I believe they’re performing a traditional Moroccan chant called “Dima Maghrib” (literally, “Mony Mony”). If you watch the video closely, you might notice this man in the background:

I tried to find out why this man was wearing what appears to be a Native American war bonnet, but nobody seemed to know. One possible explanation, of course, is that Morocco is actually part of Wyoming. Somebody should look into this. I’d do it myself, but I’ve been pretty busy with my World Cup research, including actually attending a live soccer game in person.

This was the Uruguay vs. Saudi Arabia game, which was played in the Miami stadium on Monday. I went with my old pal Mitchell Kaplan, who owns Books and Books, which technically is not the Official Independent Bookstore of the World Cup but it should be. Since the USA team was not playing in this game, Mitchell and I decided we would represent Uruguay, a nation we both feel a deep and lasting bond with on the basis of the fact that Mitchell had purchased two size XL Uruguay T-shirts. Also I bought a Uruguay bucket hat. I won’t lie: We looked badass.

From left: Mitchell; a person quietly dying of heatstroke; Dave.

This photo was taken in the stadium parking lot, where Mitchell and I found ourselves in a potentially sketchy situation. What happened was, we parked right next to a car containing four guys wearing Saudi Arabia paraphernalia. Which meant that Mitchell and I, as Uruguayans, had no choice but to view them as our traditional hated arch-enemies. Fortunately before the situation turned violent we agreed to take a group selfie.

And from that moment forward, there has been lasting peace between these two great nations.

The game was fun. The crowd was overwhelmingly Uruguayan, so Mitchell and I, thanks to our T-shirts, fit right in; we even joined in a traditional Uruguayan soccer chant, which goes, quote: “URUGUAY!” (Literally, “Uruguay.”)

Also I spotted something interesting at a concession stand:

Yes: The Uruguayans are also employing war bonnets. Somebody besides me needs to look into this.

The game ended in a 1-1 tie, but everybody seemed pretty happy. People criticize the World Cup because of the tie games, but these critics miss the point, which is that the World Cup is only partly about soccer. It’s also about wearing paraphernalia and dancing and belting out songs and representing your country’s culture by (for example) rowing up an escalator Viking-style, like these Norwegians:

In other words, the World Cup is a gigantic party, and it’s going on all over the country, and, as a Uruguayan-American, I think it’s pretty great.

And now, speaking of things that are pretty great, we have a:

CHEEZ-IT UPDATE

After I wrote last week’s Substack, I sent the following email to Kellanova (formerly Kellogg), the company that manufactures Cheez-Its:

Please consider adding more zinc to Cheez-Its. As explained in my Substack post, zinc has anti-aging properties.

Thanks,

Dave Barry

Literally minutes later I received this response:

Dave,

Thank you for letting us know that you would like us to consider adding more zinc to Cheez-It products. We are glad that you care enough about our foods to offer your idea.

Although we cannot accept confidential ideas, your idea matters to us because it helps us understand current opinions and trends. Your insights help us continue to offer foods that are loved by people around the world.

If you have any additional questions or need further assistance, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Thank you again, Dave, for contacting us. Have a wonderful day!

All the best,

Jennelyn M.

Consumer Affairs

The fact that Kellanova responded so quickly tells me that ”Jennelyn M” is a bot they’re excited about my idea, so next time you’re at the supermarket, check the Cheez-It packaging for updates:

And now it’s time to turn this Substack over to you amazing paying subscribers, who as far as I’m concerned are the Official Paying Subscribers of the World Cup. Today we have four scientific polls: