El Car Wash

An Investigative Report

As a professional journalist, I have, over the years, developed a "nose for news," which is why I pride myself on my ability to "break" the occasional "juicy" story and, in the process, misuse “quotation marks.”

So as you can imagine my ears really "perked up" when my wife, Michelle, told me about a possible situation going on at El Car Wash. This is a car-wash chain that, according to its website, is "the largest premier express car wash company in Florida and soon to be the leading operator in Michigan."

Michelle likes her car to be clean, so she takes it to the car wash approximately once every 45 minutes. At least that's how it feels to me, because she's always asking me if I want to go to the car wash with her, and I'm always reluctant to go, because — follow my reasoning here — it's a car wash.

Recently, Michelle's regular car wash broke, which to her constituted an emergency. So she was Googling around, and she determined that the next-closest car wash to our house was the El Car Wash on Bird Road in Miami. As she was reading the website, she turned to me and said, quote: "It says they sell Viagra."

So I said: "What?"

So she said: "It says they sell Viagra. At the car wash."

So I said (as a professional journalist, I know what kind of probing questions to ask to get to the "meat" of a story): What?

So Michelle showed me the ABOUT THIS STORE page of the website for the El Car Wash on Bird Road:

In case that's too small for you to read, here's the key section:

At El Car Wash, we are committed to providing not only top-quality car wash services but also exceptional value to our customers. As part of this commitment, we are excited to announce a new partnership with a leading pharmacy, allowing us to offer an exclusive deal on generic Viagra for only 87 cents per pill at our on-site vending machines. This initiative is designed to provide added convenience and affordability to our members, reflecting our dedication to enhancing customer experience beyond just car care. The offer is available exclusively to our Unlimited Monthly Car Wash Pass members, further enhancing the benefits of our membership program. By integrating health and wellness options like affordable generic Viagra into our services, we aim to create a more holistic customer experience. This innovative approach ensures that while your car gets the care it needs, you can also take care of your personal needs efficiently and cost-effectively.

So now I definitely wanted to go to the car wash with Michelle — not because I need Viagra (he wrote defensively) but because there's an old saying in professional journalism, which goes: "If a car wash near you says it's selling discount generic Viagra from vending machines, and you have a Substack, you need to check it out."

In other words, I did this for you, my Substack readers, especially you paid subscribers, who are — and I say this without hyperbole — the finest human beings who ever lived.

So Michelle and I drove out to the El Car Wash, which was attracting customers with one of those inflatable floppy tube men, who looked like he maybe could have used some Viagra.

We drove up to the car-wash entrance, where two women in black spaceship-crew-style jumpsuit uniforms were waiting to assist us. One of them, a friendly woman with extremely professional fingernails, approached our car with a menu card and began to explain our many car-wash-plan options.

I immediately deferred to Michelle, for two reasons:

1. This was obviously going to be a major decision requiring a sophisticated knowledge of car-wash pricing, and

2. The woman was speaking Spanish, which is completely normal in Miami. Michelle, who is of Cuban descent, is fluent in Spanish. I am also fluent, but only for one sentence ("Mi esposa habla español").

So Michelle and the friendly woman conversed for a while, and we wound up purchasing the Graphene package. It's is on the higher end pricewise, but I felt we could afford it, thanks to you paid subscribers.

We then drove into the car wash, which reminded me of the Sixties. Here's a photo I took through the windshield:

After a few minutes we emerged from the Sixties and found ourselves back outdoors. I pulled into one of the many parking slots, each outfitted with a vacuum cleaner, fresh towels and various car-cleaning amenities, all very organized and tidy. While Michelle was cleaning the dashboard with the supplied dashboard cleaner, I went in search of the vending machine that sold discount generic Viagra, which you may recall is technically what I am writing about here.

I searched for a few minutes, but did not see any kind of vending machine. As I headed back to Michelle, two of the jumpsuited El Car Wash women, having noticed me wandering around, approached us to ask if we needed anything. I shook my head violently while grinning like a lunatic to indicate that everything was fine. The alternative would be to say "Where is the machine that sells Viagra?" ("¿Dónde está la máquina que vende Viagra?") Which suddenly seemed like a completely insane question to ask an employee at a car wash.

So I just wanted to get out of there. But not Michelle. I should note here that Michelle is a sportswriter. She has spent the last 37 years asking questions, sometimes tough questions, sometimes tough questions directed at large irate muscular individuals, some of whom were holding baseball bats. Michelle is utterly fearless. She will ask anybody about anything.

So she asked the senior jumpsuit woman about the Viagra. A lengthy Spanish conversation ensued. In summary: The woman said they did not sell Viagra there, because: It's a car wash. So Michelle showed the woman the website on her phone. The woman found that amusing, but repeated that there was no Viagra being sold there, and the only machines they had were the vacuums for the car rugs, because: It's a car wash.

I was pretty sure I knew what the woman was thinking as she talked to Michelle. She was thinking: "This poor woman's idiot gringo husband came here because he thought he could get some cheap Viagra. At a car wash."

I wanted to explain myself to her. I wanted to say: "I don't NEED Viagra! I have a Substack!" (¡No NECESITO Viagra! ¡Tengo un Substack!") But I didn't have the words, so I just stood there mutely while continuing to grin like a lunatic. I'm sure the jumpsuited women will be laughing about this incident for weeks, if not months. It will probably come up at the El Car Wash Christmas party.

So the question is, why does the El Car Wash website say they're selling discount generic Viagra, if they're not? I don't know. If you click on the link in the ABOUT THIS STORE page, it takes you a site selling generic Viagra online, but what that has to do with the car wash, I have no idea. All I know is, you can't get Viagra at El Car Wash. Which is too bad, because there could be a demand. I say this because, while I was pursuing this story, I mentioned it in a text to my friend and sometime co-author, Adam Mansbach, and he texted back: "It’s always been difficult for me to maintain an erection while getting my car washed, so this is frankly a godsend."

Alas, for now it must remain just a dream.

A couple of final notes:

First, Michelle loved El Car Wash, as a car wash. It’s really very nice and efficient. We will definitely be back. So it's is a good thing we got the Graphene package, which I believe is something like a 30-year commitment.

Second, immediately after we left El Car wash, we encountered this vehicle:

You can never have too many wheels in Miami.

OK, that's my investigative report. And now for a scientific poll of you wonderful paid subscribers: