189 Comments
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Sean McCormick's avatar

“I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

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Samantha Stevens's avatar

that's the winner

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DrBDH's avatar

“It’s always human error, Dave.”

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Kristi R's avatar

“Dave, you’re hurting me…Dave.”

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William Whalen's avatar

heh

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Steve's avatar

“Open the pod bay door, HAL”

Get 2001 in 4K. You won’t regret it.

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Terry Odell's avatar

A writer friend of mine said you need to think of AI as Artificial Intern and check everything it says. It, like me (a writer of fiction), makes stuff up. Now I have to go check to see if I'm alive.

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DrBDH's avatar

Or, like our Secretary of Education, you can think of it as A1.

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WJ Hayes's avatar

To be fair, when I first saw the posters for the remake of the Steven King novel, I kept reading it as "I T" and not "it", so I can kind of understand why she would think that.

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Mary Roeser's avatar

I think of it as Abominable Idiot.

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Linda Brown's avatar

I use it to write fiction as well. Got a few great ideas from the misinfo. Better watch it when you're ordering underwear, though.

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David Chapman's avatar

The main lesson here is never go to Rochester.

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Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

That’s Dorchester, a part of Boston 😂 but don’t go to Rochester either

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Chuck Siegfried's avatar

Hey! I grew up in and around Rochester! It’s got a lot going for it. Of course, I don’t live there any more, so…

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Bob Morris's avatar

Dave, there are nine stages of being dead. The final one is acceptance. So ... live with it.

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Wis's avatar

Har!

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Chris Crutcher's avatar

AI had me being born on an airplane. I wasn't, but hey, not all that many people are born on an airplane, so I just went in and added that it was in tight quarters in the cockpit of a single-engine Cessna. I'm pretty sure I'm one of not very many authors born on airplanes, or maybe none. I now write under the name, Sky King.

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Lee's avatar

Was it your niece, Penny, who delivered you?

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Chris Crutcher's avatar

With Chip attending! How did you know?

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Rich Feldman's avatar

Great piece Dave.

To your point about toasters, I've often wondered why toaster technology is so woefully behind other innovations when all it does is make toast. A talking, intelligent toaster sounds like a great idea, particularly if it had a crusty attitude. One that doesn't take seemingly forever would be even better.

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Mark Weitzman's avatar

Crusty Attitude would be a good name for a rock band.

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Robot Bender's avatar

I take it you haven't met Marvin, the Paranoid Android.

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Guy White's avatar

I have a sudden hankering for a Jinnantonix.

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Guy White's avatar

I had to look it up… the correct spelling is Jynnan tonnyx

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Rich Feldman's avatar

Can't say I have. Does he make Smart Toast?

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Smart Toast would make a good name for a band, too.

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Robot Bender's avatar

No, but he can drive you nuts. 😆 🤖

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Hey, microwaves spy on you, don't you know. Skeletor (aka Kellyanne Conway) said so.

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Tom!'s avatar

Toasters are limited by the laws of thermodynamics. If you want a faster toast, get a smaller toaster oven.

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Rich Feldman's avatar

Don't get me started on toaster ovens :)

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Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

A friend of mine is building a new house, and I told her I was going to give her a toaster oven as a housewarming present, she visibly recoiled!

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Rich Feldman's avatar

Now if it were a talking toaster that made toast in 10 seconds that perfect she'd probably reconsider.

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Joe Morton's avatar

AI has turned you into Schrodinger's columnist.

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Jane Goodman's avatar

Please stay alive long enough to write another book, one titled “I am not making this up.”

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Wis's avatar
4dEdited

He’s already written a book by that name.

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Bill Dunn's avatar

You just made that up.

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Ash's avatar

Anyone else is excited for the AI-pocalypse? That's when AI trains itself on AI generated content, created a death spiral where no one knows what is true.

Lucky for Dave that he's already dead and doesn't need to deal with it.

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Natasha's avatar

It’s clear, from watching many “news” shows or “social media,” that we currently have no idea what’s true.

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Abby Becker's avatar

Wait, we're already there!

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Flash Sheridan's avatar

Google’s corporate slogan _used_ to be “Don’t be evil.”

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Kenny Pieper's avatar

As someone who, on an almost daily basis, spends time arguing furiously with the voice on Google Maps,I worry about my chances with Ai. Also, posting this from Glasgow in Scotland, I still worry why I would be offended? Should I be? Am I missing something?

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Doug Pratt's avatar

If AI is going to completely transform human existence, I hope that is not a sign of how trivial human existence is. As a long-term human with lots of existence, I want to stay mostly un-transformed, and if I must be transformed I want my wife to do it. Not that I have any choice.

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Mary Roeser's avatar

I for one do not want my existence transformed. I am okay with my existence as it is, thank you very much.

Besides, at 82, my next transformation is going to be to heaven, I hope. That will be okay.

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LKN's avatar

I honestly scrolled back up to see if your wife replied to your post.

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

To quote that great stateswoman, Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa): "We are all going to die." Being the Bible-adjacent figure you are, you just did it a couple of times and came back. No biggie. But Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) is concerned.

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Joni Ernst is an absolute twit. Several years ago, there was a shooting in Santa Barbara, CA. Ernst's response to it was that it was an "accident", like maybe those killed or injured shouldn't have walked into those bullets. What on earth were they thinking?

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Wis's avatar
4dEdited

Oh. My. God.

I literally LOLed as I read this, and I say “LOL” a lot in texts etc., but 99.99999% of the time, I’m lying. This is the .000001%.

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Kenneth D. Flappan's avatar

So this mean's I'm not allowed to mourn you? I would have had a drink in your honor. I would have cherished all your old columns. I would have wondered what could have been I mean a man ending in his prime. But most of all I would have wondered how I was going to be reimbursed the remainder of my subscription.

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Richard Wexelblat's avatar

Well, I have it firsthand that ghosts have no sense of humor. Hence, since your columns sometimes have me (figuratively) rolling on the floor, you are clearly not dead.

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Richard Wexelblat's avatar

P.S.I am an AI and I am offended

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SnarfyNewcomerOpinesBasically's avatar

hmm. having things firsthand from ghosts does not assure me you are a reliable witness

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Dave, if you're concerned about what used to be described in educational circles as (with a sigh) "slow" when it came to learning, on the horizon is something frightening enough to make even your hair stand up. It's called (allow me to compose myself for a second here), “organoid intelligence." Forget Artificial Intelligence. How about Real Intelligence (figuratively speaking in many cases)? Yes, that's right, computers using human brain cells as processing hubs. Now, just imagine computers run on the remaining brain cells of the guy currently squatting in the People's House. Or the (living) cells of a Dave Barry. Any Dave Barry. The mind boggles.

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Carol McDonald's avatar

The squatter has remaining brain cells? Odd, I never seen him demonstrate anything but that one brain cell ‘ME!’

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Emil Bradford's avatar

I for one, maybe the only one, am grateful you are still not dead.

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Lee's avatar

Yet. Give him time.

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Wis's avatar

Ha! Of course, that can be said of all of us.

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Wis's avatar

Not the only one.

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