Dear Hoosiers:

Welcome to Miami! Really.

Here in Miami we’re bracing for an invasion of Hoosiers.

“Hoosiers” is of course the nickname that people from Indiana proudly use to refer to themselves, and for an excellent reason: They have no idea what it means.

Really. Indianans have come up with many different explanations for the origin of “Hoosier,” but they’ve never been able to agree on which one is correct. They can be sensitive about this. Years ago I wrote a column in which I suggested — purely as a joke, because as a professional humorist I am always kidding around in a non-serious vein — that for all we know, “Hoosier” could be a Native American word that means — and let me again stress that I intended this in a purely comical way — “has sex with caribou.”

Unfortunately, my lighthearted attempt at humor did not sit well with many Hoosiers, who wrote to inform me that I am a stupid idiot. One man buttressed his argument by stating (I am not making this up): “Indiana has no caribou.” Case closed!

So I want to apologize to the good people of Indiana for my tasteless and juvenile attempt at humor, and warmly welcome them to my city. A huge herd of Hoosiers is headed this way because on Monday night, Miami will host the game that will determine who is the national champion of professional college football, and as fate would have it, the University of Miami Hurricanes will be squaring off against none other than the Indiana University Fighting Wildlife Molesters.

No! Sorry! That is offensive, and I move that it be stricken from the record. Indiana University happens to be a fine educational institution, as befits the great state of Indiana, which has no reason whatsoever to have an inferiority complex when it is compared with other states such as (to pick a state at random) Florida.

Sure, Florida attracts more than 100 million tourists a year from all over the planet thanks to its many outstanding resorts, hotels and restaurants, its world-class theme parks, its bustling cruise ports, its hundreds of miles of spectacular beaches and its year-round warm weather. But Indiana has... The World’s Largest Ball of Paint. Really. It’s in the town of Alexandria, not far from Muncie, and it weighs more than 11,500 pounds. The official website states: “You’ll be amazed by the sheer size and beauty of the World’s Largest Ball of Paint. It’s truly a must-see attraction for all ages.” If anything that is an understatement, to judge from this official photograph:

Photo Credit: owllaketradingco

For the record: According to Google AI, the state of Florida does not have a single major ball of paint. Advantage, Indiana!

But getting back to the football game: As a University of Miami fan, I am naturally hoping that the Hurricanes, in the spirit of good clean competition and collegiate sportsmanship, eviscerate the Hoosiers and festoon the goalposts with their intestines. But as a longtime resident of the host community, I also want the Indiana fans, as our guests, to enjoy a pleasant stay here involving minimal gunplay. That’s why I have prepared this helpful:

GUIDE TO MIAMI FOR VISITING HOOSIERS

Assuming you’re flying into Miami International Airport, you can expect a smooth, relaxing and carefree arrival experience, from the moment you touch down until the moment you actually exit the aircraft. At that point things could get dicey.

For one thing — this might have something to do with the humidity — major airport parts keep breaking. Fortunately there’s a crack team of maintenance engineers working around the clock to install signage letting you know that they’re aware of the problem and fully intend to do something about it, although not during your lifetime.

I’ve been flying out of Miami International for more than 40 years, and I’m pretty sure these specific elevators have been out of order the entire time:

I’m starting to suspect that there aren’t any actual elevators in there. I think maybe they were stolen by elevator thieves, who fenced them on the elevator black market.

But getting back to you visiting Hoosiers: One thing you’ll notice right away at the airport is that many people are speaking Spanish, which is the dominant language in Miami. Most Miamians also speak some English in the form of hand gestures, but if you want to blend in, you should make an effort to speak Spanish. One traditional way to do this, of course, is to add “o”s to the ends of random words, as in “Where-o is the baggage claim-o?” Spanish speakers love when you do that! But it’s even better if you use actual Spanish words. Here’s a list of helpful phrases you can memorize to use as icebreakers during your visit:

-- ¡Hola, persona española! (”Hello, Spanish person!”)

-- Como probablemente pueden ver por el hecho de que cada prenda que llevo puesta, incluyendo mi ropa interior, es exactamente del mismo color que un camión de bomberos, soy un Hoosier. (”As you can probably tell from the fact that every garment I am wearing, including my underpants, is exactly the same color as a fire engine, I am a Hoosier.”)

-- No, no sé qué significa. (”No, I don’t know what it means.”)

-- ¿Alguna vez has oído hablar de Indiana? (”Have you ever heard of Indiana?”)

-- Es uno de los estados de Estados Unidos. (”It is one of the United States.”)

-- Tenemos una bola de pintura extremadamente grande. No está muy lejos de Muncie. (”We have an extremely large ball of paint. It is not far from Muncie.”)

-- Solo por curiosidad, ¿hay algún caribú por aquí? (”Just out of curiosity, are there any caribou around here?”)

Getting Around Miami

Driving in Miami is essentially a form of suicide can be challenging, so your safest option is to use mass transit. The good news is, Miami has a modern mass-transit system that cost more than a billion dollars to build. The bad news is, it doesn’t go anywhere that anybody actually wants to go. It appears to have been designed by transportation planners who, because of some mixup, were looking at a map of a completely different city. Most Miamians have never even been on it. We watch from our cars as it passes overhead, usually empty, a mystery train bound for who knows where, possibly Cleveland.

So unfortunately to get around Miami you might have to drive. If you do, remember to never make eye contact with another driver, and above all do not do anything that will identify you as a tourist, such as signaling your turns or slowing down for red lights. Also bear in mind that only eight Miami motorists actually have auto insurance, so if you get into an accident, make sure it’s with one of them.

Attending The Big Game

The game will be held at Hard Rock Stadium. Security will be extremely tight. Security personnel will do everything in their power, including tasing, to prevent you from getting in. This is for your own protection.

Also be advised that there is no stadium parking. There used to be parking, because technically it’s a football stadium. But a few years ago Hard Rock management decided to add a professional tennis complex AND a Formula One racetrack, and they elected to build both of them — these are not small items — in the stadium parking lot. You probably think I’m making this up, but I swear I am not.

The result is that there is no longer room in the parking lot for actual parking. Currently the closest you can get to Hard Rock Stadium with a private automobile is suburban Atlanta. This means your best bet is to use our mass transit system, which, since it was designed to serve Cleveland, will not actually take you anywhere near the stadium, so on the plus side at least you won’t get tased.

Another option, of course, is to use Uber, which from downtown Miami to the stadium normally costs around $45, although according to an Uber spokesperson, with surge pricing on game day it’s expected to run “closer to a hundred trillion dollars.” Of course that’s assuming you can actually get an Uber on game day, which the Uber spokesperson called “frankly hilarious.”

So getting into the game won’t be easy. But it will be worth it, because the game promises to be a fun contest between two teams of student-athletes — some of whom are so studious that they have already attended like nine different universities — led by a pair of easygoing, low-key coaches who, as you can see from the photos below, totally don’t mind if a player has to skip football practice because he has an important Poli Sci paper due.

(Photo by Melinda Meijer/ISI Photos/ISI Photos via Getty Images)

(Photo by CFP/Getty Images)

Ha ha! I am of course joshing. This is college football we’re talking about: It has nothing to do with college. And it’s not “fun.” It’s WAR.

So I’m hoping the Hurricanes win, even though they’re underdogs. But I’m also hoping you Hoosiers enjoy your time in my city. And whatever happens in the game, I sincerely mean it when I say, in the words of an old Spanish saying that we Miamians often say in parting: Al menos puedo quedarme aquí en lugar de regresar a esa maldita tundra helada infestada de rastrojos de maíz. (”Godspeed”).

And now, speaking of fun, let’s hear from you paying subscribers.