Book Tour Update

Attention: Qatar

I'm currently on my Nationwide Death March Random Cities Book Tour, which involves a lot of air travel, so I'm carrying my toothpaste in "travel size" tubes, each of which has a capacity of 11 toothpaste molecules. Here's my current supply, which is rapidly dwindling:

If you try to fly with a normal-sized tube of toothpaste, the TSA (motto: "Protecting You By Rooting Through Your Underwear ") might confiscate it — this has happened to me several times — because toothpaste in normal quantities can be used to commit acts of terrorism, as we see in the following realistic scenario:

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (on intercom to cockpit): Captain, we have a terrorist back here demanding that we fly to North Korea. He has a tube of Crest Extra Whitening.

CAPTAIN: Is it travel size?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: It's the six-ounce tube.

CAPTAIN: MY GOD WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?? (Points plane toward Pyongyang)

The terrorists have ruined air travel. You're not even allowed to congregate in the aisles near the lavatories any more. Back in the Golden Age of commercial aviation — I'm talking the Fifties and Sixties, when you could board an airplane smoking a cigar and carrying a bazooka — people were always congregating in the aisles near the lavatories. People had SEX in the aisles near the lavatories. Sometimes with the pilot! That's how much fun airline travel was before the terrorists ruined everything.

"But Dave," you're saying. "At least the planes today have Wi-Fi!"

Not necessarily! At least not in the case of an air carrier I've been on a lot lately, which, out of respect for its privacy I will refer to as Zamerican Zairlines. What Zamerican offers is a system whereby you can pay a comically large sum for Wi-Fi, but often you cannot actually get Wi-Fi, or else it's slow and spotty, as if there's a really long phone cord dangling from the back of the plane, with the other end bouncing along the ground below, trying to connect to America Online.

Getting back to the lavatories for a moment: I'd like to address a potential safety concern that I found out about thanks to a question somebody posted 11 years ago on a website for aviation professionals — a question that may also have occurred to you:

You will be pleased to learn that, according to the aviation professionals, the answer is no. At least it was no 11 years ago; a lot has changed since then because of global climate change. But it's probably nothing to worry about. Forget I even brought it up.

My point is that what with all the security and the crowding and the added fees and the delays and the cancellations and the possibility — however slight — that your intestines will be sucked out of your body, commercial airline travel is unpleasant. The airports feel like the Soviet Union — not the fun Soviet Union, but the Soviet Union where you're always waiting in some kind of line and you're never 100 percent sure it's the right line. While I was writing this Substack, in an airport, an upset-looking older couple (by which I mean a couple that is probably younger than I am) trotted past me, red-faced and sweaty, towing their suitcases, the man a few steps in front saying "Terrible signage! Terrible signage!" over and over to nobody in particular. I could still hear him denouncing the signage as they puffed out of sight down the concourse, where they probably missed their flight, unless they got lucky and it was canceled.

Can anything be done to improve the air-travel experience? I believe there is a solution. It came to me while I was reading about Qatar in the news. Qatar (pronounced "Qatar," or sometimes "Qatar") is a super-wealthy nation in the Middle East that out of the goodness of its heart has been giving hundreds of billions of dollars to various institutions and individuals in the United States as part of a massive ongoing effort to not influence anybody. That's just the kind of generous nation Qatar is.

Recently Qatar offered to help the United States out with our Air Force One situation. We need a replacement for the current Air Force One, because it's outdated and the interior has a lot of ketchup stains. We were supposed to buy a replacement plane from Boeing, but what with one thing and another Boeing currently cannot be relied on to build a functional snowblower. So the Qataris — How sweet are these guys? — are giving President Trump a large $400 million airplane with absolutely no strings attached. (This gift is totally legal and has been approved by the official White House Ethical Standards Hamster.)

Some nitpickers have been critical of the airplane gift, but I applaud the Qataris for their generosity. As an author currently on a multi-city book tour, I'm wondering if they might have any other spare airplanes lying around. If I had a personal airplane, I could spend a lot less time dealing with air-travel hassles and a lot more time writing Substack essays about issues such as what a great nation Qatar is, as well as offbeat topics such as why Qatar is a fun vacation spot. Give me a call, Qatar! I'm running out of toothpaste!

For the record, I realize that this solution would not improve the air-travel experience for anybody except me. That's only fair, since it was my idea. But if this plan works out, I promise I'll ask Qatar to give airplanes to all of you paying subscribers. There's no need to thank me; the look on your face says it all (Substack gives me access to your camera).

And now it's time for you to weigh in.