(PS: the other thing this guy funded besides for Trump was Khaled Sheik Mohammed. SO he https://x.com/pinidunner/status/1922699253140554155. So he is directly responsible for our toothpaste predicament and owes all of us private jets.)
I'm planning a trip soon to from an airport that out of respect for its privacy is named Zalbany. It's almost impossible for someone to fly anywhere from this airport without having to change planes somewhere, usually at an airport in the opposite direction of your destination, or a huge airport where it would be to your advantage to be an Olympic long-distance medal winner to get to the correct terminal in time for your connecting flight.
I fly about once per year to a city in the Southwest, and have flown out of Zalbany only twice in about 25 years, since it's actually less time-consuming to drive to Boston to get a direct flight on a plane that's larger than the Wright Brothers' and a little more comfortable. I pack very few toiletries, preferring to buy travel-size toothpaste at my destination and use the hotel shampoo, conditioner, and hand lotion. I carry Ibuprofen, though, since flying gives me a headache, but at least I haven't had my intestines sucked out. Yet.
Carol, your reply reminds me of a question that has plagued me since we were first forbidden to fly with regular-sized toothpaste: why have hotels not deigned to provide us with toothpaste, as they do with useless things like hand lotion and shampoo? I have asked people (but not hotels) and they have no idea! It's only been 24 years since this 3-oz. situation has been around. Has the hotel shampoo business got a lock on the tiny liquid things, with no room to allow tiny toothpaste to muscle in?
I have no idea, but can only guess that toothpaste and toothbrushes (at some hotels they're available for the asking) may be subject to different FDA guidelines due to people trying to push excess toothpaste back into the tube, or trying to brush lint and pet hair off their jackets with the toothbrush. Attempts to contact the FDA today resulted in being told that my call was important to them and my estimated wait time was 92 days. The FAA and TSA websites were down. Sorry!
I woke up this morning with a sense of impending doom. And then I read and laughed my way through this. Thank you , Dr. Barry! PS: “Class Clown” is fabulous. Long-acting meds for those afflicted with despair.
I read the other day on Al Gore's internet that refusing a gift from a Middle East country like Qatar is extremely insulting. For centuries, all that Qataris could offer was sand, spitting camels, more sand, an occasional mirage, and more sand. Now that they are oil-glut rich, offering a $400 million plane to President Trump while pretending not to fund and support Hamas puts this little oasis on the map as a country on the up-and-up. Refuse their gift? How dare you! Not while my Qatar gently weeps due to your insensitivity!
Ah yes, Crest Extra Whitening. A recent directive from whatever functioning counter-terrorism and espionage agency we have left, determined that while its explosive characteristics are minimal unless placed into a plastique tube with a fuse, or for some reason zipped-tied to a stick of dynamite, it has been known to disguise the usual state of terrorists' teeth. This is especially troublesome for the TSA since they have also been known to try to pass themselves off as normally harmless popular humorists, with expensively whitened teeth. Btw --- I assume you have not yet been politely asked to step into a curtained area by the TSA to give a urine or stool sample, depending on the city. This is part of a new TSA metabolic screening test program. You might want to invest in some Handi-Wipes. The TSA is only allowed single ply paper under recent funding cuts.
Dave, call Bernie Sanders. He has ready access to private jet travel, and may take you along (in exchange for a small and fully-deductible campaign contribution).
"The U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is reviewing a proposal for a reality TV show titled The American, which envisions immigrants competing in challenges across the country for a chance to expedite their U.S. citizenship, there is no evidence that Secretary Noem has endorsed or is involved with the project. DHS Assistant Secretary Tricia McLaughlin confirmed that the concept is under review but denied that Secretary Noem had read the pitch, despite claims by unnamed sources that she supports the project . 
The show’s concept was developed by producer Rob Worsoff, known for his work on Duck Dynasty, and has been pitched to DHS in the past during the Obama and Biden administrations without success . Currently, the proposal is undergoing a thorough vetting process as part of DHS’s routine review of numerous TV show proposals each year. 
In summary, while DHS is considering the reality show concept, there is no substantiated evidence that Kristi Noem is backing or has endorsed the proposal."
I too have flown Zamerican Zairlines. I'd like to share an experience of my own.
I'm 6'6" tall. I was once forced to travel with Zamerican in a group of seats they refer to as "coach", but is more accurately described as "seats for travelers who are too short for most theme park roller coasters". When a snarky flight attendant (are there any other kind these days?) advised me why I was seated with my legs sticking 3 feet out into the aisle, I replied, "Well, I've tried at least a half dozen diets, but I've still haven't found a reliable way to lose height!"
My spousal unit is 6-8”. It’s fun, isn’t it? We had a trip planned to the South of France in September but he cancelled it based on our recent experience at Newark, and DeGaulle… and everything in between. But the France part was so nice…..
And of all of the airports that suck in this country, Newark is at the top of the list. I have to think that if Dante had written about the eighth or ninth level(s) of hell, Newark would be what he was thinking of.
I happen to be in the business of insuring airlines, and I just want everyone to know that whilst your intestines cannot get sucked out by the airplane toilet, every time you flush one, the Qatari royal family’s net worth grows by about a billion dollars.
But seriously, Dave, can’t you afford your own plane by now? I saw your interview with Andy Borowitz; that’s where I learned you were out of hibernation and I immediately got Class Clown (I’m halfway through and loving it) and I also immediately subscribed here. I have all your books, and have read them all several times and I given your books as gifts. Hard covers ($$$). So, I have probably personally funded at least your yacht (if you ever upgraded from Buster), if not paid you a large enough amount to go towards your own Lear.
(Incidentally, I quote you a lot, too. I don’t have a lot of friends. Do the math.)
Anyway, again, I am halfway through class clown and I love it. (As an English major myself, who graduated magna cum laude and went on to a career in the totally related field of law, in the lucrative role as paralegal (pfft), I can say with some authority that you either have had a lifetime of excellent editors or you have real literary talent. I strongly suspect the latter ;).).
Think those airplane toilets could be turned down a little bit so they would just take care of hemorrhoids?
EWWWWW
I'd think it'd make them much worse!
To be fair, our dear leader did describe Qatar as Funders of Terrorism. But that was only 7 years and one plane ago, so things have obviously changed. https://www.newsweek.com/trump-calling-qataris-funders-terrorism-resurfaces-amid-jet-fury-2071700
(PS: the other thing this guy funded besides for Trump was Khaled Sheik Mohammed. SO he https://x.com/pinidunner/status/1922699253140554155. So he is directly responsible for our toothpaste predicament and owes all of us private jets.)
Perhaps we can get Qatar to sponsor to update, out of the goodness of their hearts with no security risks to us, our aging nuke silos next: https://asiatimes.com/2025/05/the-rotting-aging-silos-housing-americas-nukes/#
Do their football teams have qatarbacks?
Yes, but they only pay them in rolls of qatars.
I'll see myself out now...
And you call yourself a doctor?
Please don't RB!
I'm planning a trip soon to from an airport that out of respect for its privacy is named Zalbany. It's almost impossible for someone to fly anywhere from this airport without having to change planes somewhere, usually at an airport in the opposite direction of your destination, or a huge airport where it would be to your advantage to be an Olympic long-distance medal winner to get to the correct terminal in time for your connecting flight.
I fly about once per year to a city in the Southwest, and have flown out of Zalbany only twice in about 25 years, since it's actually less time-consuming to drive to Boston to get a direct flight on a plane that's larger than the Wright Brothers' and a little more comfortable. I pack very few toiletries, preferring to buy travel-size toothpaste at my destination and use the hotel shampoo, conditioner, and hand lotion. I carry Ibuprofen, though, since flying gives me a headache, but at least I haven't had my intestines sucked out. Yet.
Carol, your reply reminds me of a question that has plagued me since we were first forbidden to fly with regular-sized toothpaste: why have hotels not deigned to provide us with toothpaste, as they do with useless things like hand lotion and shampoo? I have asked people (but not hotels) and they have no idea! It's only been 24 years since this 3-oz. situation has been around. Has the hotel shampoo business got a lock on the tiny liquid things, with no room to allow tiny toothpaste to muscle in?
I have no idea, but can only guess that toothpaste and toothbrushes (at some hotels they're available for the asking) may be subject to different FDA guidelines due to people trying to push excess toothpaste back into the tube, or trying to brush lint and pet hair off their jackets with the toothbrush. Attempts to contact the FDA today resulted in being told that my call was important to them and my estimated wait time was 92 days. The FAA and TSA websites were down. Sorry!
Ha! As if no one drinks the conditioner? Enjoy your wait for the FDA (I assume you are on hold and enjoying every minute of it!) :P
Nope, I hung up after hearing that my wait time had increased to 97 days and three hours, but my call was very important to them.
I woke up this morning with a sense of impending doom. And then I read and laughed my way through this. Thank you , Dr. Barry! PS: “Class Clown” is fabulous. Long-acting meds for those afflicted with despair.
True, the doom is still impending, but it is funnier.
I recommend putting six travel-sized tubes of toothpaste into a piping bag. TSA will think you're a fan of the British Bake Off and leave you alone.
Só funny
Dave,
I read the other day on Al Gore's internet that refusing a gift from a Middle East country like Qatar is extremely insulting. For centuries, all that Qataris could offer was sand, spitting camels, more sand, an occasional mirage, and more sand. Now that they are oil-glut rich, offering a $400 million plane to President Trump while pretending not to fund and support Hamas puts this little oasis on the map as a country on the up-and-up. Refuse their gift? How dare you! Not while my Qatar gently weeps due to your insensitivity!
“Qatar gently weeps!” 🤣🤣🤣
Ditto, well played! LOL
Ah yes, Crest Extra Whitening. A recent directive from whatever functioning counter-terrorism and espionage agency we have left, determined that while its explosive characteristics are minimal unless placed into a plastique tube with a fuse, or for some reason zipped-tied to a stick of dynamite, it has been known to disguise the usual state of terrorists' teeth. This is especially troublesome for the TSA since they have also been known to try to pass themselves off as normally harmless popular humorists, with expensively whitened teeth. Btw --- I assume you have not yet been politely asked to step into a curtained area by the TSA to give a urine or stool sample, depending on the city. This is part of a new TSA metabolic screening test program. You might want to invest in some Handi-Wipes. The TSA is only allowed single ply paper under recent funding cuts.
Dave, call Bernie Sanders. He has ready access to private jet travel, and may take you along (in exchange for a small and fully-deductible campaign contribution).
Your toothpaste says "Maximum Cavity Protection." Why in the world would a toothpaste protect cavities?!! I think you should change brands.
Maybe the "cavity protection" is to protect against those mega-suction airline toilets? OK, I'll stop now.
In late breaking news.....
"The U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is reviewing a proposal for a reality TV show titled The American, which envisions immigrants competing in challenges across the country for a chance to expedite their U.S. citizenship, there is no evidence that Secretary Noem has endorsed or is involved with the project. DHS Assistant Secretary Tricia McLaughlin confirmed that the concept is under review but denied that Secretary Noem had read the pitch, despite claims by unnamed sources that she supports the project . 
The show’s concept was developed by producer Rob Worsoff, known for his work on Duck Dynasty, and has been pitched to DHS in the past during the Obama and Biden administrations without success . Currently, the proposal is undergoing a thorough vetting process as part of DHS’s routine review of numerous TV show proposals each year. 
In summary, while DHS is considering the reality show concept, there is no substantiated evidence that Kristi Noem is backing or has endorsed the proposal."
This makes me proud to be an American.
As long as it keeps her away from dogs, I’m all for it.
Yeah, no shit.
Not too long ago, I pitched a similar proposal ... but based more on the premise and plot line of Death Race 2000
I too have flown Zamerican Zairlines. I'd like to share an experience of my own.
I'm 6'6" tall. I was once forced to travel with Zamerican in a group of seats they refer to as "coach", but is more accurately described as "seats for travelers who are too short for most theme park roller coasters". When a snarky flight attendant (are there any other kind these days?) advised me why I was seated with my legs sticking 3 feet out into the aisle, I replied, "Well, I've tried at least a half dozen diets, but I've still haven't found a reliable way to lose height!"
My spousal unit is 6-8”. It’s fun, isn’t it? We had a trip planned to the South of France in September but he cancelled it based on our recent experience at Newark, and DeGaulle… and everything in between. But the France part was so nice…..
And of all of the airports that suck in this country, Newark is at the top of the list. I have to think that if Dante had written about the eighth or ninth level(s) of hell, Newark would be what he was thinking of.
I used to be a flight attendant. We fondly referred to it as Ma-Newark.
Ha!!
Oh Please! Have you not flow out of Atlanta? What a nightmare.
When a nightmare airport in which to change planes was mentioned, Atlanta was the first one that came to mind.
Haven't flown through Atlanta in a few years, I'll admit, but every time I fly through Newark, there is always a delay, often lasting hours.
I happen to be in the business of insuring airlines, and I just want everyone to know that whilst your intestines cannot get sucked out by the airplane toilet, every time you flush one, the Qatari royal family’s net worth grows by about a billion dollars.
Hilarious, as usual! SO happy you’re back!!
But seriously, Dave, can’t you afford your own plane by now? I saw your interview with Andy Borowitz; that’s where I learned you were out of hibernation and I immediately got Class Clown (I’m halfway through and loving it) and I also immediately subscribed here. I have all your books, and have read them all several times and I given your books as gifts. Hard covers ($$$). So, I have probably personally funded at least your yacht (if you ever upgraded from Buster), if not paid you a large enough amount to go towards your own Lear.
(Incidentally, I quote you a lot, too. I don’t have a lot of friends. Do the math.)
Anyway, again, I am halfway through class clown and I love it. (As an English major myself, who graduated magna cum laude and went on to a career in the totally related field of law, in the lucrative role as paralegal (pfft), I can say with some authority that you either have had a lifetime of excellent editors or you have real literary talent. I strongly suspect the latter ;).).
Welcome back, Dave. I have sorely missed you. Or, missed you sorely. Or, I'll stop now.
There's a cream for that.
But only if you keep it in a 3-oz. container.