One day when I was in middle school, my tongue got caught in the orthodontia wire behind my lower teeth. I was taken directly from school to the dentist’s office. While I sat in the victim chair waiting for the dentist, the assistant brought in a tray of tools featuring knives and saws. I was worried that the dentist wouldn’t be able to understand me when I would shout “Pleeth don cuh mah tun ow!”
After two rounds of oral surgery, I had braces for three years, which meant I had to go to the orthodontist once a month so he could tighten the wires in my braces to the point that if my top row of teeth should accidentally touch my bottom row of teeth, I would either scream like a banshee or pass out because I couldn't endure the pain. The monthly visits also made eating (or I should say drinking) plain chicken broth or tomato soup the only feasible choices for the next 29 days, giving me only a day or two to eat as much normal food as possible before going to the next appointment, only for the torture to start all over again. In fact, I consider myself lucky not to have developed bulimia from the experience. It was like having a nightmare and being AWARE that you were having a nightmare, but being powerless to wake yourself up. Had I believed in past lives, I would have been sure that I must have been a serial killer or mass murderer to deserve such agonizing torture in my present life. Because getting the braces taken off was open-ended, I even contemplated suicide, unwilling to even contemplate a future of monthly torture, with no end in sight. Plus, I wasn't a big fan of chicken broth, and although I always thought tomato soup with a grilled-cheese sandwich was a fantastic combination, I couldn't bear having both on either of my one or two days a month in which I could eat solid foods, as weeks of having only tomato soup intermittently with chicken broth had ruined the experience for me. I learned never to try to answer a question either a dentist or orthodontist asked me when he had implements in my mouth, as I was sure doing so was part of an ongoing prank among all teeth-oriented professionals to see who could get a patient to drool the most. But I've digressed....
Seeing that tray of tools was like the first view of a torture chamber. Which item will he use? I hope it won't be THAT one. No, not the one with the needles! What is this place, France? wadeeli.substack.com.
The dentist strolled in, took a quick look in my mouth, grabbed a flat tool, and used it to lever the wire briefly and free my tongue. This seemed like a very good thing at the time, but probably killed my chances of selling the movie rights to my story.
Me too Cynthia . So I remember another one … Lucky Strike cigarette’s jingle ….” So round , so firm , so fully packed ! That’s my gal ! “ Merle Travis made it into a whole song
Not dumb at all! Stan Freberg's "United States of America" has Ben Franklin complaining "Old George. Talks up a storm with those wooden teeth of his. Can't shut 'em off!"
Even today, my Chinese wife's siblings have implants grown in China. They provide temporary relief, only good for 3-5 years or so. Better than France, where, well, uh, better than France. Elaboration: wadeeli.substack.com
But watch out! The gals will all pursue you. They love to run their fingers through your hair! Omg what else is in my archives that I don’t even know is there?? Scary!
You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsident 🎵 okay that’s it! I’m making an appointment for a brain replacement immediately!! Hey quick question: Can I request an Abby Normal??
I suggest Hormuz and the Waterslides; they’d play an infectious new fusion of 50’s doo-wop and Persian pop that we could all bop along to as we negotiate world peace.☮️
Honestly, TV commercials, back in the “olden days”, were easier to watch than what we had to endure today. On one streaming service, we are given two or three choices as to which stupid auto insurance commercial to suffer through. On the plus side, ridiculous TV ads do allow you time for a bathroom break, or to check your cell phone to see if you have any more scam calls, or to find out which monument in the Nation’s Capital have they decided to refurbish and turn into a carnival ride.
My favorite current commercial is for a drug that treats something, I'm sure, but what's entertaining about it is that ONE of the side effects is that you can DIE from a taint condition.
My childhood dentist (Frankenstein) gave me a lifelong dental phobia. I literally quivered and shake (and tear up) when that sharp pick is anywhere close to my mouth. My one time experience with nitrous oxide did zilch for me. And yes, “Marathon Man.” I would tell them everything the moment I saw that dental pick. I was sweating all through that movie. Ah, Ipana. I’d forgotten.was there another one that said “You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent?”
I had the exact opposite experience. I hated and refused to brush my teeth when I was little. The first time I was taken to the dentist, who happened to be my mom’s cousin, Vinnie, he looked in my mouth and said,” What a lovely shade of green!” I instantly fell in love. Vinnie’s wife was his receptionist and assistant. The radio was always playing in the background and whenever “their song” came on Vinnie would stop whatever he was doing and they would sing. I loved going to the dentist. He was also an excellent dentist. In subsequent years, after he retired, other dentist would comment on his work with admiration.
I don't remember hearing it, I think pepcident changed their slogan by my time, but I distinctly remember reading it in one of Dave Barry's books.
Many people experience an intense nitrous oxide euphoria, including Dave apparently but yeah neither you nor myself all that happens is my ears start ringing really loudly and I get numb all over and dizzy.
Anyone could find out how they respond to it by huffing whipped cream just don't turn the bottle upside down :)
Well, at least you didn’t get berated by your dental hygienist for not flossing, even though you did for the last week so that you wouldn’t get berated for not flossing, but she was on to you.
I hold no grudges, and the name Sherwood Anderson DDS, of Clinton, CT, in the late 1960s, no longer causes me to cringe -- most of the time. But in 1966, he charged $4 to fill a cavity, and $5 to include Novocaine. My dad, with his meager teacher's salary and 5 kids, said, "My boy is tough." To be fair, an extra buck (times an average of seven cavities) was a lot of money back then.
Anyway, now that six full decades have passed, I can look back and laugh about it ... as soon as I stop whimpering in the fetal position.
YES, I recall dental work withOUT Novocaine. Tried going without it a few years ago for a small cavity, and the drill almost put me through the ceiling. To his credit, my Dad always paid the extra $. Leastways, while the beer budget held out.
That’s amazing. Some still thought it was optional.
I have heard that starting in the 1880’s, the early days of anesthesia, they would give you gas that would knock you right out. See an example in Alfred Hitchcock’s original, 1934 “The Man Who Knew Too Much”. Some people were so afraid of going under, that they would have drilling, extraction and all, done with no anesthesia. A dentist would always ask them which way they wanted it.
There was a popular vaudeville gag based on this. The dentist asks, “Miss, would you like gas?” She says: “Certainly I want gas! You think I want a strange man fooling around me in the dark?” (for a while, houses and street lamps were lit by coal gas). W.C. Fields reworked it a little for his comedy short “The Dentist”.
Cheers to Brian! As someone working in the world of community college, let me also put in a plug for colleges' dental hygiene clinics if anyone out there needs to get a cleaning or maybe x-rays on the cheap (your locally-available services may vary), or just wants to try something different or help train the next generation. Yes, they're students, but under professors' watchful eyes and assistance. My kids and I have had good experiences there; the appointment just takes longer because they're going more slowly. Around here, it costs an optional suggested $10, worth every penny and more.
When I entered my teen years, I went to the University of Pittsburgh's Dental School where students practiced orthodontia on my misaligned teeth. The cost was negligible, as I recall.
True. I took my wife there and was impressed. The instructor watching over the student was SO COMPETENT...he'd actually installed a bridge in the mouth of his WIFE. Dude, that's my idea of professionalism. wadeeli.substack.com
I grew up in Queens, NYC and attended elementary school in the fabulous 50's. You had to have a dental checkup before school started in September, seriously required. This was in the days before Novocain when certain levels of pain and torture were thought to enhance a child's development. The deal was when you couldn't stand the pain the dentist was obviously gleefully administering under the ruse of needed dental stuff, the pre-pubescent "patient" was to raise a hand to signal to the Tower of London graduate that he needed to stop for a moment. This futile gesture was completely ignored every single time. The "Dentist" would explain, as soon as the screaming subsided, that he did not have time for such nonsense as there was a waiting room full of children in need of child development. The idyllic memories of childhood just kept building.
I have always been able to tolerate going to the dentist, what I object to is how doggone expensive its become. I am also at the age where old fillings are being replaced by crowns, which means taking out a second mortgage to pay for it all.
This reminded me of my childhood dental experiences. I had a tendency to pass out in the dental chair, until poor Dr. Hunt wouldn't see me anymore because he was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. Good times!
When I was a kid, I had the only dentist in town who didn't use Novocain/Lidocain/Nitrous Oxide when filling kids' cavities. I guess he was afraid we'd turn into drug addicts.
I was so jealous when friends would tell me about their painless extractions, but my parents insisted I go to that guy.
Remember the swirling water bowl next to the dentist's chair? "Spit." And the SMELL of the dentist's office. Officially called Weird Dentist Office Smell™.
The huge irony back in those days (and I am not suggesting you are anywhere near old enough to remember anything like this): If you were "good," THEY GAVE YOU CANDY at the end. Candy. The super-epoxy stick-to-your-teeth JB-Weld kind. "Here kid, grow some more cavities. See you again soon."
Flash forward to the 2000s. I'm in the chair with a mouth full of metal and cotton — and a raging tropical storm going outside. I mumble, "Thow . . . ITH the power wath to go outh wight now, wath would you do wifth me here like thith in midth-prothTHEEdurr?" He blanched, stopping whatever he'd been doing in my mouth.
"No one's ever asked me that." Of course not. I just had time to think and make conversation.
"Thurly you havth a thenenerator, thum backthup thisthstum?"
He left the room for a while. Probably called his lawyer.
It was so . . . barbaric, in every way, wasn’t it? Just a step up from tying a tooth with string to a door knob for an “extraction,” or “biting the bullet” (for something, I forget, but likely is what CAUSED the extraction to be necessary in the first place, although I did not attend dental school in case anyone is wondering, and may not be current as to modern procedures).
I remember the days of Harry and Bucky, when drilling one cavity indeed took a fortnight. Screamed so loud that I'm sure the waiting room folks are still suffering from PTSD. All those mercury-laden fillings, leaching poison into our clueless bodies, are now being replaced by crowns, which occasionally fall out. Now that's progress!
I know that when the Kingdom comes,
The Lord will see my shrunken gums.
They’ve harbored tartar, plaque, and moss,
Because I never, ever floss.
I’ve learned that microbes in my plaque
Can generate a heart attack,
And that my halitotic breath
May cause a sort of social death;
That those who smell my breath may faint:
My exhalations can peel paint.
My lifelong fear, just like Dave Barry’s,
Has led to proliferating caries.
For why would a tender youth be thrilled
When cavities are drilled and filled?
Those fillings, when they have installed ‘em
Are made with mercury amalgam.
(Some newer fillings are epoxic
They’re just as good and much less toxic.)
My mouth may harbor dental dams,
Be televised on dental cams;
And where the cams find gaps and ridges
The dentist can put dental bridges.
Is pulling out my teeth a plus?
I would then be edentulous.
With no teeth left inside my head,
At night, before I’d go to bed,
I’d see what those TV ads once meant
And brush my teeth with Polident.
I will never forget the great Wayne Fontana,
Or the zest from Crest which replaced Ipana.
And the Crest Kids, 10,000,000 strong and growing!
Glenn! You never amaze to cease me!
You had me at edentulous
Ha- I had to look it up.
Me too. I at first assumed it meant "evil dentist".
installed 'em/amalgam: the footprint of a poet with nerves (and maybe fillings) of steel.
Or mercury!
I still remember the smell of mercury. It's a bit stressful to wonder how these vapors may have compromised our lives for many years.....
Damn, that was impressive!
That is fabulous! Also, I didn't know what edentulous meant before.
We are in the presence of poetic greatness! 😊
OMFG! That is a perfect poem!
You are a linguistic angel!
I have just reached for the bag of dental floss sticks I keep by my chair, in case I am inspired to floss. Thank you.
If you are so inspired, let us know (since I've never flossed).
Barry's & caries! Never has there been such a fantastic rhyme! Thanks for the additional set of laughs.
Put it to music, record it, and post it to YouTube!
One day when I was in middle school, my tongue got caught in the orthodontia wire behind my lower teeth. I was taken directly from school to the dentist’s office. While I sat in the victim chair waiting for the dentist, the assistant brought in a tray of tools featuring knives and saws. I was worried that the dentist wouldn’t be able to understand me when I would shout “Pleeth don cuh mah tun ow!”
After two rounds of oral surgery, I had braces for three years, which meant I had to go to the orthodontist once a month so he could tighten the wires in my braces to the point that if my top row of teeth should accidentally touch my bottom row of teeth, I would either scream like a banshee or pass out because I couldn't endure the pain. The monthly visits also made eating (or I should say drinking) plain chicken broth or tomato soup the only feasible choices for the next 29 days, giving me only a day or two to eat as much normal food as possible before going to the next appointment, only for the torture to start all over again. In fact, I consider myself lucky not to have developed bulimia from the experience. It was like having a nightmare and being AWARE that you were having a nightmare, but being powerless to wake yourself up. Had I believed in past lives, I would have been sure that I must have been a serial killer or mass murderer to deserve such agonizing torture in my present life. Because getting the braces taken off was open-ended, I even contemplated suicide, unwilling to even contemplate a future of monthly torture, with no end in sight. Plus, I wasn't a big fan of chicken broth, and although I always thought tomato soup with a grilled-cheese sandwich was a fantastic combination, I couldn't bear having both on either of my one or two days a month in which I could eat solid foods, as weeks of having only tomato soup intermittently with chicken broth had ruined the experience for me. I learned never to try to answer a question either a dentist or orthodontist asked me when he had implements in my mouth, as I was sure doing so was part of an ongoing prank among all teeth-oriented professionals to see who could get a patient to drool the most. But I've digressed....
That was a very good rendering of speech with an immobilized tun. I swoot you, sir. 👍
“Victim chair.” Perfect!
Seeing that tray of tools was like the first view of a torture chamber. Which item will he use? I hope it won't be THAT one. No, not the one with the needles! What is this place, France? wadeeli.substack.com.
a cliff hanger.....so what happened next???
The dentist strolled in, took a quick look in my mouth, grabbed a flat tool, and used it to lever the wire briefly and free my tongue. This seemed like a very good thing at the time, but probably killed my chances of selling the movie rights to my story.
I forgot about Anacin and Ipana! What about Brillcream (sp?) A little dab ‘ll do ya. Yikes I’m old AF!!
Me too Cynthia . So I remember another one … Lucky Strike cigarette’s jingle ….” So round , so firm , so fully packed ! That’s my gal ! “ Merle Travis made it into a whole song
You know you’re in trouble when the dentist says “Why are your fillings made of wood??”
Or...why are your teeth made of wood, George?
Who’s George?
George Washington, who allegedly had wooden teeth. Sorry, it was a dumb joke.
Not dumb at all! Stan Freberg's "United States of America" has Ben Franklin complaining "Old George. Talks up a storm with those wooden teeth of his. Can't shut 'em off!"
😁 I got the joke, Bill. Ol’ George probably went to a carpenter, not a dentist.
No I like it! I just didn’t get it. Long day. I thought “I thought your name was Bill”
Even today, my Chinese wife's siblings have implants grown in China. They provide temporary relief, only good for 3-5 years or so. Better than France, where, well, uh, better than France. Elaboration: wadeeli.substack.com
Oh I’m sorry. Is my dental appointment interfering with your happy hour??
"Halo. everybody, Halo!
Halo is the shampoo
That glorifies your hair.
So Halo, everybody, Halo!
Halo Shampoo, Halo!"
This pops into my head whenever somebody sings out "Hello!"
A Brylliant comment.
"Use more only if you dare."
But watch out! The gals will all pursue you. They love to run their fingers through your hair! Omg what else is in my archives that I don’t even know is there?? Scary!
Of course. That’s cause you are not still using that greasy kid stuff.
Do you wonder where the yellow went?
You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsident 🎵 okay that’s it! I’m making an appointment for a brain replacement immediately!! Hey quick question: Can I request an Abby Normal??
Join the club Cynthia.
I suggest Hormuz and the Waterslides; they’d play an infectious new fusion of 50’s doo-wop and Persian pop that we could all bop along to as we negotiate world peace.☮️
Honestly, TV commercials, back in the “olden days”, were easier to watch than what we had to endure today. On one streaming service, we are given two or three choices as to which stupid auto insurance commercial to suffer through. On the plus side, ridiculous TV ads do allow you time for a bathroom break, or to check your cell phone to see if you have any more scam calls, or to find out which monument in the Nation’s Capital have they decided to refurbish and turn into a carnival ride.
My favorite current commercial is for a drug that treats something, I'm sure, but what's entertaining about it is that ONE of the side effects is that you can DIE from a taint condition.
Yes!!! There are a couple of drugs out there with “taint warnings!”
This means there are frequent conversations with the sentence: "Honey-peach, can you help me check my taint?"
Right?
Why would your taint be affected??
My childhood dentist (Frankenstein) gave me a lifelong dental phobia. I literally quivered and shake (and tear up) when that sharp pick is anywhere close to my mouth. My one time experience with nitrous oxide did zilch for me. And yes, “Marathon Man.” I would tell them everything the moment I saw that dental pick. I was sweating all through that movie. Ah, Ipana. I’d forgotten.was there another one that said “You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent?”
Yeah, I didn't go to a dentist for 20 years after I grew up unless I had to.
I loved nitrous, but I've only experienced it at Grateful Dead concerts.
I had the exact opposite experience. I hated and refused to brush my teeth when I was little. The first time I was taken to the dentist, who happened to be my mom’s cousin, Vinnie, he looked in my mouth and said,” What a lovely shade of green!” I instantly fell in love. Vinnie’s wife was his receptionist and assistant. The radio was always playing in the background and whenever “their song” came on Vinnie would stop whatever he was doing and they would sing. I loved going to the dentist. He was also an excellent dentist. In subsequent years, after he retired, other dentist would comment on his work with admiration.
It's a little disturbing that I can still sing all these jingles..........
I don't remember hearing it, I think pepcident changed their slogan by my time, but I distinctly remember reading it in one of Dave Barry's books.
Many people experience an intense nitrous oxide euphoria, including Dave apparently but yeah neither you nor myself all that happens is my ears start ringing really loudly and I get numb all over and dizzy.
Anyone could find out how they respond to it by huffing whipped cream just don't turn the bottle upside down :)
You can buy nitrous oxide ampules. They are for putting into carbonated water makers, that can also be used to make whipped cream.
You have to use neutral nitrous oxide for the cream, as the carbon dioxide used for the water will spoil cream.
Load up the N2O into an empty maker, press the lever, and be happy. At parties, these things are called ‘whippets’. A friend told me.
Well, at least you didn’t get berated by your dental hygienist for not flossing, even though you did for the last week so that you wouldn’t get berated for not flossing, but she was on to you.
BTW, another good band name: The Floss
I should use more Mental Floss.
You can subscribe to that, you know.
I believe the late, incomparable Jimmy Buffett (also a Floridian) wrote a song with that title.
Probably because your gums were bleeding!
I hold no grudges, and the name Sherwood Anderson DDS, of Clinton, CT, in the late 1960s, no longer causes me to cringe -- most of the time. But in 1966, he charged $4 to fill a cavity, and $5 to include Novocaine. My dad, with his meager teacher's salary and 5 kids, said, "My boy is tough." To be fair, an extra buck (times an average of seven cavities) was a lot of money back then.
Anyway, now that six full decades have passed, I can look back and laugh about it ... as soon as I stop whimpering in the fetal position.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
YES, I recall dental work withOUT Novocaine. Tried going without it a few years ago for a small cavity, and the drill almost put me through the ceiling. To his credit, my Dad always paid the extra $. Leastways, while the beer budget held out.
That’s amazing. Some still thought it was optional.
I have heard that starting in the 1880’s, the early days of anesthesia, they would give you gas that would knock you right out. See an example in Alfred Hitchcock’s original, 1934 “The Man Who Knew Too Much”. Some people were so afraid of going under, that they would have drilling, extraction and all, done with no anesthesia. A dentist would always ask them which way they wanted it.
There was a popular vaudeville gag based on this. The dentist asks, “Miss, would you like gas?” She says: “Certainly I want gas! You think I want a strange man fooling around me in the dark?” (for a while, houses and street lamps were lit by coal gas). W.C. Fields reworked it a little for his comedy short “The Dentist”.
Cheers to Brian! As someone working in the world of community college, let me also put in a plug for colleges' dental hygiene clinics if anyone out there needs to get a cleaning or maybe x-rays on the cheap (your locally-available services may vary), or just wants to try something different or help train the next generation. Yes, they're students, but under professors' watchful eyes and assistance. My kids and I have had good experiences there; the appointment just takes longer because they're going more slowly. Around here, it costs an optional suggested $10, worth every penny and more.
When I entered my teen years, I went to the University of Pittsburgh's Dental School where students practiced orthodontia on my misaligned teeth. The cost was negligible, as I recall.
True. I took my wife there and was impressed. The instructor watching over the student was SO COMPETENT...he'd actually installed a bridge in the mouth of his WIFE. Dude, that's my idea of professionalism. wadeeli.substack.com
Or a donation of $10
I grew up in Queens, NYC and attended elementary school in the fabulous 50's. You had to have a dental checkup before school started in September, seriously required. This was in the days before Novocain when certain levels of pain and torture were thought to enhance a child's development. The deal was when you couldn't stand the pain the dentist was obviously gleefully administering under the ruse of needed dental stuff, the pre-pubescent "patient" was to raise a hand to signal to the Tower of London graduate that he needed to stop for a moment. This futile gesture was completely ignored every single time. The "Dentist" would explain, as soon as the screaming subsided, that he did not have time for such nonsense as there was a waiting room full of children in need of child development. The idyllic memories of childhood just kept building.
All of this reminds me of Finding Nemo, although that purports to be an orthodontist, I think.
I have always been able to tolerate going to the dentist, what I object to is how doggone expensive its become. I am also at the age where old fillings are being replaced by crowns, which means taking out a second mortgage to pay for it all.
This reminded me of my childhood dental experiences. I had a tendency to pass out in the dental chair, until poor Dr. Hunt wouldn't see me anymore because he was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. Good times!
When I was a kid, I had the only dentist in town who didn't use Novocain/Lidocain/Nitrous Oxide when filling kids' cavities. I guess he was afraid we'd turn into drug addicts.
I was so jealous when friends would tell me about their painless extractions, but my parents insisted I go to that guy.
Bucky Beaver needs an orthodontist not a dentist.
Dude! Get those things under control before we have to rearrange the furniture or move the party to another room!! 🙄
Ode to buckteeth.
Remember the swirling water bowl next to the dentist's chair? "Spit." And the SMELL of the dentist's office. Officially called Weird Dentist Office Smell™.
The huge irony back in those days (and I am not suggesting you are anywhere near old enough to remember anything like this): If you were "good," THEY GAVE YOU CANDY at the end. Candy. The super-epoxy stick-to-your-teeth JB-Weld kind. "Here kid, grow some more cavities. See you again soon."
Flash forward to the 2000s. I'm in the chair with a mouth full of metal and cotton — and a raging tropical storm going outside. I mumble, "Thow . . . ITH the power wath to go outh wight now, wath would you do wifth me here like thith in midth-prothTHEEdurr?" He blanched, stopping whatever he'd been doing in my mouth.
"No one's ever asked me that." Of course not. I just had time to think and make conversation.
"Thurly you havth a thenenerator, thum backthup thisthstum?"
He left the room for a while. Probably called his lawyer.
I remember, "SPIT."
He'd say, "Okay, you can spit now."
Then he'd say, "I meant in the BOWL."
(Hey, we had to fight back SOMEHOW.)
wadeeli.substack.com
It was so . . . barbaric, in every way, wasn’t it? Just a step up from tying a tooth with string to a door knob for an “extraction,” or “biting the bullet” (for something, I forget, but likely is what CAUSED the extraction to be necessary in the first place, although I did not attend dental school in case anyone is wondering, and may not be current as to modern procedures).
Haha!
I remember the days of Harry and Bucky, when drilling one cavity indeed took a fortnight. Screamed so loud that I'm sure the waiting room folks are still suffering from PTSD. All those mercury-laden fillings, leaching poison into our clueless bodies, are now being replaced by crowns, which occasionally fall out. Now that's progress!
Or gums run away from them, the saga continues.🤗🤗
Very appropriate segue from dentistry to woodpeckers since the latter are uniquely qualified to be great dentists.
That is, until one perches on your shoulder and whispers in your ear, "heh-heh-heh HEH heh: Is it safe yet?"