I can perfectly do the “sit” bit of the test; at 65 I plop down on the floor with the dogs, happily and thoughtlessly. Then I suddenly remember I’m ancient, and begin my attempts to get up. This is complicated by the Evil Crumpacker Bulldog Twins, who think my grunting and flailing are hilarious invitations for them to grunt and flail with and atop me. Usually, between my legs as I’m trying to rise. I collapse onto the floor, the entire scene collapses into a Three Stooges routine, and it’s all good fun until (a) the sciatica kicks in; and (b) I remember I still need to somehow get off the darn floor.
I'm a woman, so they know I'm a sucker for having my face licked off and being decorated with their loving drool -- which happens multiple times daily.
I volunteer at our zoo. Last week I was cleaning up the chicken area, which has 3 doors. One has a ‘doggie’ door so the girls can go from the heated side to the outdoors side. I had the keys in my pocket. I told my colleague it was okay to close the door we entered … because I had the keys to the opposite door in the heated area in my pocket. You know what happened. No key opened that door. Cleverly, I sat on the floor (where I had picked up the poop—most of it anyway) in the gritty scratch, scrunched down & put my shoulder through the ‘doggie’ door—I nearly had to put my whole head through. I pulled the handle on the other side & the door opened! But now I had to figure out how to get up without letting go of the door. It wasn’t pretty. 🐔🐓🐓🐓
I cannot believe it took me up until a month ago to know that these things even existed. And now I go in to have my right hip replaced (in a couple hours, actually), having had a sock puller after just a couple weeks... and stabbing pain every morning and night for three years!
Also, hey Medicare: where the hell is my long-handled, rechargeable toenail clipper???
I'd never heard of sock pullers, so I looked them up just now on Amazon. Amazon also suggested the Sock Remover Device to go along with it. So go look--I have no idea if it's any good, but I'm about to get both for my husband. (I'm not trying to promote Amazon or anything--I just thought it was funny that it immediately group the two together for me.)
Scott, the secret to pulling up compression socks is to neatly roll them down to just above the ankle. Insert your foot/toes into the sock and then roll it up. I had to put compression socks on my Mom and I absolutely couldn’t make them work. Then her nurse told me about rolling them. Where was she when I had my knee replacement?
Your wife is 17 years younger than you and you’re worried about getting up off the floor? I can understand your concern with getting up….but off the floor? Sorry, the devil made me write this. Please send all complaints to…him or her. Pronouns are important, apparently.
That’s the wonderful thing about this Substack. We get to enjoy Dave’s piece, learn important things and then get to help each other in the comments. Win win win!
My answer to the down and up test is 10. However, I am not Scottish, but just finished about four fingers of Scotch. This may have either enhanced my confidence or impaired my ability to count.
I decided to try the test. I am still on the floor and have instructed my coworkers that I will be there the rest of the day (and very likely beyond). If they do not like this, I have told them to acquire a giant spatula so that it can be used to help me return to an upright position.
I am someone who, if I find myself on the ground, has to crawl (painfully) to the closest 3 ft tall object so I can pull myself slowly and awkwardly to my feet . Thank you for this column to let me know I'm not alone.
I vote no, since the pictures could have been hung sloppily, a large truck could be driving by, or there could be simultaneous seismic shifts. The only deduction might be if your plop fractures your tailbone.
Just…, I loved that “Source: Medicine” caption, too! Which belies the easy-to-understand, very helpful graph. Medical visual aids aren’t usually so clear.
Do you remember that TV commercial we used to laugh at decades ago: "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"? Yeah, karma is a b*tch. Also, Boomer-Geezer arrogance is the worst! And I should know, since I am it.
Please note: that commercial is still alive and well! I see it multiple times on the nightly news (MSNow). And I never laugh at the poor woman - but I do wonder how the EMTs get through her presumably locked front door.
Seriously? I haven't seen that commercial in ages. Good question about the EMT. Does Medicare cover the cost of door replacement (minus deductible & co-pay, of course), after they kick it off its hinges?
The ad is for an emergency call button on a necklace of sorts that you're supposed to wear around your neck at all times. Now THAT is a real indicator of decrepitude!
Call your local fire department. Most have a recommendation for a particular brand of lockbox you install near your door. Only they have the key to the box, and in the boxes of key to your front door. It's not cheap, but it's much less expensive than a front door. Call your local fire department.
Actually there's a newer version for the little blue pill: "It has fallen and now can get up" And yes, like Jardiance --- "the little blue pill with a big story to tell."
And commercially is still running on some cable channels. I saw most recently a couple of weeks ago. Poor lady, still on the floor, and no source of snacks in sight..
Hey, Dave! Ever try the “Standing On One Leg” age test? Seems you should be able to do so for at least 30 seconds. First time I tried (at age 58) I lasted…twelve seconds. Pro tip: Do NOT stand near a window, fireplace or valuable PEZ collection while attempting this test.
Are there different instructions, deductions, and sounds if you stand on your right leg and put your left instep on your right calf? and are deductions affected by hand dominance? or are square roots involved?
I was not able to hack into the NYT article but this article from SELF magazine likely has the same tests, with 30 second flamingo as test 1 and the sit-stand levitation test as test 3.
Boy, after reading the details of the Sitting-Rising Test, I am so glad I died 10 years ago.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
Scientists should also study the Grunt-to-Movement Ratio, which rises dramatically after age 50.
My Grunt-to-Movement ratio morphed into just Grunt.
I still have both, but sometimes the definition of "movement" is different, if you get my scatological drift.
🤣 (Our President is deeply familiar with it...)
I believe that’s what scientists call Peak Efficiency.
Or, the getting up to fart ratio…
Finally, a metric worth funding - the research grant we deserved all along.
I read recently, that scientists have developed underwear that measures how much flatulence people produce.
Madame assumes the next logical step is an app that allows users to track their emissions and compete with friends.
Sounds like fun to me!
God help us!
🤣
They put sensors in the undergarments. This sounds like a DB exclusive!
I can perfectly do the “sit” bit of the test; at 65 I plop down on the floor with the dogs, happily and thoughtlessly. Then I suddenly remember I’m ancient, and begin my attempts to get up. This is complicated by the Evil Crumpacker Bulldog Twins, who think my grunting and flailing are hilarious invitations for them to grunt and flail with and atop me. Usually, between my legs as I’m trying to rise. I collapse onto the floor, the entire scene collapses into a Three Stooges routine, and it’s all good fun until (a) the sciatica kicks in; and (b) I remember I still need to somehow get off the darn floor.
😂. Gretchen: This line in particular made me laugh out loud, because I forget my age all the time - until I actually move to do something:
“Then I suddenly remember I’m ancient…”
It would be hilarious fun for those of us who have dogs to share videos of their participation in our SRT adventures!
My Newfies thoroughly enjoy my SRT, and I end up majorly slobbered on -- but this motivates me to kick out 1 leg and rise quicker.
See? They’re just trying to help! Well, that and probably thinking, “Hey! Dad’s on the floor, which means it’s easier to lick his face!” 😁
I'm a woman, so they know I'm a sucker for having my face licked off and being decorated with their loving drool -- which happens multiple times daily.
Oops. My apologies for the erroneous assumption.
I heard somewhere that Newfie drool is good for the skin. Certainly all the doggy affection is just good for us in general!
I volunteer at our zoo. Last week I was cleaning up the chicken area, which has 3 doors. One has a ‘doggie’ door so the girls can go from the heated side to the outdoors side. I had the keys in my pocket. I told my colleague it was okay to close the door we entered … because I had the keys to the opposite door in the heated area in my pocket. You know what happened. No key opened that door. Cleverly, I sat on the floor (where I had picked up the poop—most of it anyway) in the gritty scratch, scrunched down & put my shoulder through the ‘doggie’ door—I nearly had to put my whole head through. I pulled the handle on the other side & the door opened! But now I had to figure out how to get up without letting go of the door. It wasn’t pretty. 🐔🐓🐓🐓
BUT YOU DID IT!!!
I did.
I am 85 today and struggle to pass the equally onerous Putting On Your Socks test, especially when the Use No Part Of Your Body rule is in effect.
I have often wondered what "A Brazilian" is--now I know it is a sadistic charlatan.
My sock puller would definitely be in my top 5 essential possessions.
I envy the people who have no idea what a sock puller is.
Sadly, I DO know.
I cannot believe it took me up until a month ago to know that these things even existed. And now I go in to have my right hip replaced (in a couple hours, actually), having had a sock puller after just a couple weeks... and stabbing pain every morning and night for three years!
Also, hey Medicare: where the hell is my long-handled, rechargeable toenail clipper???
Please let me know if you get that clipper!
And believe me, you'll feel 100% better immediately when you wake up from surgery. I had 2 of them!
I have a sock puller for my compression socks. What I need is a compression sock de-puller!
Yeah, me too. I could get to bed earlier if I didn’t have trouble taking off the compression socks.
I'd never heard of sock pullers, so I looked them up just now on Amazon. Amazon also suggested the Sock Remover Device to go along with it. So go look--I have no idea if it's any good, but I'm about to get both for my husband. (I'm not trying to promote Amazon or anything--I just thought it was funny that it immediately group the two together for me.)
My compression sock de-puller is Moose, my husband.
Scott, the secret to pulling up compression socks is to neatly roll them down to just above the ankle. Insert your foot/toes into the sock and then roll it up. I had to put compression socks on my Mom and I absolutely couldn’t make them work. Then her nurse told me about rolling them. Where was she when I had my knee replacement?
Those dratted socks, right?
I live in Florida and don't wear socks, ever. Even when I go north.
A Brazilian is somewhat more than a Bazillion.
Happy Birthday 🎂!
Happy Birthday!
Thanks!
😅
On the other hand, I nailed the Sit-then-Lie-on-your-Side-Couch test. So there, Dr. Brazil!
I’d like to see a video of that Dr Brazil guy trying the sit and rise test.
Exactly my thoughts..... well Claudio Gil Araújo, I want to see you do it!
Yeah! Let's start a petition and send it to the good doctor!
I am with you, PD and you Barb!
I scored an 8, but I heard the tin foil crackle on the way down to the floor.
Then I realized I wasn’t carrying any tin foil.
You are clearly an alien and the tin foil hat you were wearing gave it away.
That's the old crepitus kicking in.
Your wife is 17 years younger than you and you’re worried about getting up off the floor? I can understand your concern with getting up….but off the floor? Sorry, the devil made me write this. Please send all complaints to…him or her. Pronouns are important, apparently.
The devil is sometimes referred to as “Toby”. Don’t blame me. Ask Rowan Atkinson.
Toby…Hmmm. Kinda cute. But I’d probably call him Lucy or should I spell it Luci? HA
Or Crowley, if you get the reference.
My favorite show
I had no idea she was that young. Dave better work on more than sitting and standing.
Dave looked ahead and married someone to are for him in his—apparently here—dotage. Way to go Dave!
*care
I’m still trying to figure out the tie-my-shoes-without-gasping-for-air test. Something about bending over renders me incapable of breathing.
But, alas, the Sketcher slip-on came to my rescue so I'm happy to report I won't be dying of asphyxiation any time soon.
The Sketcher slip-on was life changing, just for getting shoes on
Now I think might have to check out Sketchers.
Life changing but also turns one into a lazy slouch!
That’s the wonderful thing about this Substack. We get to enjoy Dave’s piece, learn important things and then get to help each other in the comments. Win win win!
Tie my shoes? I stopped doing that 10 years ago
My answer to the down and up test is 10. However, I am not Scottish, but just finished about four fingers of Scotch. This may have either enhanced my confidence or impaired my ability to count.
I decided to try the test. I am still on the floor and have instructed my coworkers that I will be there the rest of the day (and very likely beyond). If they do not like this, I have told them to acquire a giant spatula so that it can be used to help me return to an upright position.
On first reading, I thought that you said "acquire a grant" to buy a spatula. Great idea!
I am someone who, if I find myself on the ground, has to crawl (painfully) to the closest 3 ft tall object so I can pull myself slowly and awkwardly to my feet . Thank you for this column to let me know I'm not alone.
Same here, Sistah!
What: No video of the grey-haired Dr. Araujo attempting his own test? I'm offended, and I'm not even Brazilian.
Down is easy. It's called gravity. Getting up, on the other hand, isn't. And love the "source: medicine" sourcing on the chart!!
That chart was so funny I choked and cried. I don't believe it for a minute.
Me too🤣🤣🤣🤗
Gravity indeed facilitates down..... unless there are deductions for plopping too audibly....
Good point! Should you lose sit-down points if the pictures on the wall rattle as your bum contacts the floor?
I think not, but do think this has potential as a future Olympic event.
I vote no, since the pictures could have been hung sloppily, a large truck could be driving by, or there could be simultaneous seismic shifts. The only deduction might be if your plop fractures your tailbone.
Just…, I loved that “Source: Medicine” caption, too! Which belies the easy-to-understand, very helpful graph. Medical visual aids aren’t usually so clear.
Do you remember that TV commercial we used to laugh at decades ago: "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"? Yeah, karma is a b*tch. Also, Boomer-Geezer arrogance is the worst! And I should know, since I am it.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
We were fools to laugh at that lady.
Yup
Please note: that commercial is still alive and well! I see it multiple times on the nightly news (MSNow). And I never laugh at the poor woman - but I do wonder how the EMTs get through her presumably locked front door.
Seriously? I haven't seen that commercial in ages. Good question about the EMT. Does Medicare cover the cost of door replacement (minus deductible & co-pay, of course), after they kick it off its hinges?
The ad is for an emergency call button on a necklace of sorts that you're supposed to wear around your neck at all times. Now THAT is a real indicator of decrepitude!
"Indicator of Decrepitude" would make a great name for a rock band.
Call your local fire department. Most have a recommendation for a particular brand of lockbox you install near your door. Only they have the key to the box, and in the boxes of key to your front door. It's not cheap, but it's much less expensive than a front door. Call your local fire department.
Do it as soon as you find a way to get off the floor or couch 🛋️
Actually there's a newer version for the little blue pill: "It has fallen and now can get up" And yes, like Jardiance --- "the little blue pill with a big story to tell."
I think of her every day.
And commercially is still running on some cable channels. I saw most recently a couple of weeks ago. Poor lady, still on the floor, and no source of snacks in sight..
🤣
Hey, Dave! Ever try the “Standing On One Leg” age test? Seems you should be able to do so for at least 30 seconds. First time I tried (at age 58) I lasted…twelve seconds. Pro tip: Do NOT stand near a window, fireplace or valuable PEZ collection while attempting this test.
Another balance test is to stand on one leg and put the other ankle on the standing calf.
Note: do not try this wearing slippers.
Let me update your note: "Do not try this." The end.
Do you stand on 1 leg with both feet? or is this test for folks with 3 legs or 3 feet?
To clarify: stand on your left leg, and put your right instep on your left calf just below the knee. Try not to laugh if you hear a quiet “moo”
Are there different instructions, deductions, and sounds if you stand on your right leg and put your left instep on your right calf? and are deductions affected by hand dominance? or are square roots involved?
Cube roots and imaginary numbers are not required, but will be helpful. As is a candle in the shape of three-legged goat.
Haha “valuable Pez collection.”
I was not able to hack into the NYT article but this article from SELF magazine likely has the same tests, with 30 second flamingo as test 1 and the sit-stand levitation test as test 3.
https://www.self.com/story/longevity-tests
This article is very disturbing. I'd better take care of my funeral arrangements now!
The worst part of aging is having regular bowel movements at six in the morning and waking up at seven.