I just hired an Etsy witch to regrow my hair on my bald head. I’ll keep this fine community posted if it works. So far, nothing to report except that my credit card has already been charged.
The second eeriest so-called “fact” is that, according to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, Manalapan Township (/məˈnæləpɪn/, mə-NAL-ə-pin[18]) is a township in western Monmouth County, in the U.S. state of New Jersey. I have verified this (unlike most Wikipedia facts) in person.
Beloved Susie, Madame is delighted to be of service. She aims only to illuminate the truth with a small lamp, a large glass of merlot, and the occasional well‑placed cackle. And... she lives for this. Every. Time. 🍷
Altho I laughed, this kind of story makes me squirm because of memories from decades ago of what I had to go through to satisfy what everyone else thought was a "perfect wedding." My idea of a MY perfect wedding would be to go to City Hall, sign the papers, file the papers. Then maybe go outside, look around and say, "I've never been in that hardware, let's go over 'cause I need a 14 inch bungee cord for an art project and you always wanted to look for that metric socket wrench for your friend, up north." (In Wisconsin, everything is "up north.")
A 14-inch bungee cord and a metric socket wrench are far more reliable foundations for a union than a multi-tiered fondant cake with commitment issues. The 'Up North' hardware store tour is, quite frankly, the highest form of devotional discernment. Also: everything IS 'Up North'. Wisconsin understands something the rest of the country does not. 🍷
A woman of good sense. Weddings have become nightmares that no one should subject themselves to. My mother was in the wedding business. After having been so frequently exposed to all the attendant nonsense and hassle, only one of her six children chose to have an actual wedding. The rest of those who married had sense enough to elope. No one was offended; we applaud good judgment.
Somebody with connections needs to bring Glenn's weekly verses to the attention of whoever has Garrison Keillor's ear. I can completely hear them read in his baritone.
Grandmother Pendragon? Don't make me laugh. You get these frauds on the Interweb with their oak leaves and the rest of the twaddle. What you need, my bucko, is the real thing--namely, Dame Wartwhistle, who has only one eye but sees all and hears all (after saying "eh what?" a few times). Just send your bank details to @superwartwhistle and she will give you what you want BEFORE YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. Absolutely guaranteed. No strings. Just results.
As it transpires, you can also hire a witch from eBay. Seriously, just type in Witch Spell and you get the whole banana just like on Etsy, just without the cozy female vibe that Etsy offers. I imagine eBay is like the back alley of witch hiring, kinda gritty, like the Wild West. I doubt they offer free pelicans. Ashley chose wisely.
Dave, with the national debt growing by $6-7B daily, simple math would tell you that doing away with 7.5 weddings a year would cut that in half...theoretically.
I worked out the numbers. This would work if you include destination weddings, especially the ones overseas. Had Bezos’ fiancée only wanted a local, casual wedding, eliminating that Italy wedding alone could have cut the debt by a third.
YES! That’s the only plausible explanation for why, at age 80 - that’s right - the BIG EIGHT ZERO - I’m am still here walking around amongst the Living having survived at least a dozen near death experiences. That’s right - a full TWELVE TIMES. I dodged the deadly fate bullet fired at me from age 4 when I fell out of a moving vehicle on a country road at all the way to avoiding a mid-air collision in my 20s while on a very large military exercise during which we came so close to the other plane I could see the first streaks emanating from the rivets along the bottom of the fuselage in clouds so thick that’s all I saw, as well as many other harrowing events of similar nearly calamitous result. I even survived n engined failure plane crash where - upon review - no on could believe we found the one backyard in the entire neighborhood that offered a landing spot that included a newly built fence that we used to slow the plane for a safe landing. The plane and the fence were a total loss but I and my fellow pilot who flew us into that spectacular landing were just fine - nary a scratch. The only plausible explanation is “supernatural forces”. Cats look on me with envy!
Your description of Ashley and Jacob's wedding plans brought back fond memories of our daughter's wedding many years ago. (I am using, of course, the definition of "fond" that means: AHHHHRRRRGGGG!!!!)
The Miami-Purdue game was decided - not by witches - but by spirits. Specifically, the cocktails that are the teams’ mascots. In the end, the Hurricanes (sweet and fruity in a glass with a stem) couldn’t stand up to the Boilermakers (a shot of whiskey in a glass of beer). Experts pick Purdue to go all the way, unless they have to play the Slippery Rock Rusty Nails.
Seriously, Dave, I;ve enjoyed and laughed at your columns many years, and this is the first time I had the opportunity to subscribe to them. Keep up the good work . Laughter if very much needed nowadays !
Sometimes the stars align and the gods smile favorably upon us without our asking for such blessings. Last Friday I experienced such a supernatural event: My lovely wife and I made our daily 20-mile morning commute on I-95 into downtown Miami without 1) never slowing down below 30mph and 2) never encountering typical automatic weapons fire along the route.
Twas Kismet!
HOWEVER, what the stars and gods giveth, they also taketh away: The afternoon return trip was quite different. To wit: Traffic is still stopped, we haven't made it home yet and, worse of all, we're out of ammo!
I just hired an Etsy witch to regrow my hair on my bald head. I’ll keep this fine community posted if it works. So far, nothing to report except that my credit card has already been charged.
WAIT!! I just noticed an alien hair in my nose which is technically on my head! Dave - you’re a genius, how could I ever thank you enough:)
Just wait, Rich - you’ll be plucking your ears soon, too… those Etsy witches don’t mess around.
And then the "full body groomers" will arrive like Night of the Living Dead
But was your nose bald? I think you should take this into account.
Difficult question to answer; I have a pretty large nose.
Cash probably works.
“These claims have not been reviewed by the FDA. Do not attempt. Professional driver on a closed course.”
“May cause involuntary death. Your mileage may vary.”
Madame has long maintained that the line between “science” and “witchcraft” is largely a matter of branding and better lighting. Also pricing tiers. 🍷
The most surprising thing is that Mr. Barry hired a witch that has a writing style just like his.
Coincidence? I doubt it.
The second eeriest so-called “fact” is that, according to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, Manalapan Township (/məˈnæləpɪn/, mə-NAL-ə-pin[18]) is a township in western Monmouth County, in the U.S. state of New Jersey. I have verified this (unlike most Wikipedia facts) in person.
Amen, sister.
Dearest Georgia, the congregation recognizes its own. 🍷
🤣🤣🤣You slay me. Every. Time.
Beloved Susie, Madame is delighted to be of service. She aims only to illuminate the truth with a small lamp, a large glass of merlot, and the occasional well‑placed cackle. And... she lives for this. Every. Time. 🍷
Altho I laughed, this kind of story makes me squirm because of memories from decades ago of what I had to go through to satisfy what everyone else thought was a "perfect wedding." My idea of a MY perfect wedding would be to go to City Hall, sign the papers, file the papers. Then maybe go outside, look around and say, "I've never been in that hardware, let's go over 'cause I need a 14 inch bungee cord for an art project and you always wanted to look for that metric socket wrench for your friend, up north." (In Wisconsin, everything is "up north.")
A 14-inch bungee cord and a metric socket wrench are far more reliable foundations for a union than a multi-tiered fondant cake with commitment issues. The 'Up North' hardware store tour is, quite frankly, the highest form of devotional discernment. Also: everything IS 'Up North'. Wisconsin understands something the rest of the country does not. 🍷
Yes, we do. And no, we won't tell.
A woman of good sense. Weddings have become nightmares that no one should subject themselves to. My mother was in the wedding business. After having been so frequently exposed to all the attendant nonsense and hassle, only one of her six children chose to have an actual wedding. The rest of those who married had sense enough to elope. No one was offended; we applaud good judgment.
Wow. That sounds pretty intricate. Maybe hold off on the hardware store until another day?
"Up nort."
I've been to Indiana to research and expose the apparent redaction of Hoosiers and caribou in the Epstein files.
(laughing) Yeah, now that you mention it, those were very (haha) "mysterious" omissions, wot?
Better than mysterious emissions.
At my age, they're ALL mysterious.
Do you wish your nosy neighbor would grow pale and sicken?
Are you weary of your spouse preparing bone-dry chicken?
Does a reference to Kardashians make your weak pulse quicken?
You may find some peace of mind
When you consult a Wiccan.
Does your daughter pine to hear the sound of wedding bells?
Does your husband’s mother
Loudly make mephitic smells?
Do you worry what the Democrats put in our wells?
Get a witch who offers quick,
Effective Magic Spells.
You’ll find a lot of witchcraft if you go on line.
Modern cursing, when it’s done remotely, works just fine.
Witches now take credit cards so they can quickly focus
On the most effective variant of Hocus Pocus.
Should you want to go old-fashioned,
Find a big black cat,
And a solitary crone who wears a pointy hat.
If she has a pentagram in chalk upon her floor
Rest assured you’ll get effective Wiccan spells galore.
(If your neighbor’s son’s garage band plays just Heavy Metal,
Then the spell you need requires a large and sturdy kettle,
Into which you cast the amps
And bass-drum pedal).
Excellent! I hear this being read in the voice of Bill Curtis from Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me!
I hear Billy Mays's voice. ("And if you act now, we'll throw in precision flying pelicans for no extra charge!")
It only works with Carl Kassel.
Somebody with connections needs to bring Glenn's weekly verses to the attention of whoever has Garrison Keillor's ear. I can completely hear them read in his baritone.
Grandmother Pendragon? Don't make me laugh. You get these frauds on the Interweb with their oak leaves and the rest of the twaddle. What you need, my bucko, is the real thing--namely, Dame Wartwhistle, who has only one eye but sees all and hears all (after saying "eh what?" a few times). Just send your bank details to @superwartwhistle and she will give you what you want BEFORE YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. Absolutely guaranteed. No strings. Just results.
As it transpires, you can also hire a witch from eBay. Seriously, just type in Witch Spell and you get the whole banana just like on Etsy, just without the cozy female vibe that Etsy offers. I imagine eBay is like the back alley of witch hiring, kinda gritty, like the Wild West. I doubt they offer free pelicans. Ashley chose wisely.
😅
Dave, with the national debt growing by $6-7B daily, simple math would tell you that doing away with 7.5 weddings a year would cut that in half...theoretically.
I worked out the numbers. This would work if you include destination weddings, especially the ones overseas. Had Bezos’ fiancée only wanted a local, casual wedding, eliminating that Italy wedding alone could have cut the debt by a third.
Wait! Are the Feds paying for weddings now? Where does my kid apply?
YES! That’s the only plausible explanation for why, at age 80 - that’s right - the BIG EIGHT ZERO - I’m am still here walking around amongst the Living having survived at least a dozen near death experiences. That’s right - a full TWELVE TIMES. I dodged the deadly fate bullet fired at me from age 4 when I fell out of a moving vehicle on a country road at all the way to avoiding a mid-air collision in my 20s while on a very large military exercise during which we came so close to the other plane I could see the first streaks emanating from the rivets along the bottom of the fuselage in clouds so thick that’s all I saw, as well as many other harrowing events of similar nearly calamitous result. I even survived n engined failure plane crash where - upon review - no on could believe we found the one backyard in the entire neighborhood that offered a landing spot that included a newly built fence that we used to slow the plane for a safe landing. The plane and the fence were a total loss but I and my fellow pilot who flew us into that spectacular landing were just fine - nary a scratch. The only plausible explanation is “supernatural forces”. Cats look on me with envy!
I'd be careful if I were you. I think 12 is all you get.
Well, the world is full of mystery. There's probably somebody on Etsy who sells repackaged leftover resurrections from cats who died with a surplus.
🤣🍷
Amazing! There's a movie in there somewhere...
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World 2?
Your description of Ashley and Jacob's wedding plans brought back fond memories of our daughter's wedding many years ago. (I am using, of course, the definition of "fond" that means: AHHHHRRRRGGGG!!!!)
MerryCatholic.substack.com
Ashley and Jacob, eh?
More like Samantha and Darrin! I know a reboot when I see one.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
What do you call an unkempt marijuana user?
Hairy Potter.
Have a great day!
And of course this great video
https://youtu.be/8E3H2VDDLDo?si=BXZlF5lysh0zvjx_
WTH was that???
Clip from an early HP video game
Bah dumm tissh!
My wedding was memorable because we drove to City Hall after we had the blood test (1976) or so.
They gave us small paper lunch bags that included a toothbrush and paste, Kleenex, an Emory board and TWO condoms. Ahh the state of Texas!!
Suzy: Har! It sounds like the state of TX emptied its purse into a paper bag and passed it off as a gift.
(Condoms for your honeymoon? *That’s* planned parenting! The Emory board is a weird touch…!)
No, that's for filing off the "rough edges" before they wreck the relationship.
The Miami-Purdue game was decided - not by witches - but by spirits. Specifically, the cocktails that are the teams’ mascots. In the end, the Hurricanes (sweet and fruity in a glass with a stem) couldn’t stand up to the Boilermakers (a shot of whiskey in a glass of beer). Experts pick Purdue to go all the way, unless they have to play the Slippery Rock Rusty Nails.
Is there a team whose mascot is the Old Fashioneds?
No, but there is a team called Manhattan.
What about the extended volleyball team--St.Euphemia Litotes College's Six on the Beach?
The first thing that came to mind was "what the hell was I thinking, becoming a paid subscriber"?
You will NOT regret it. Alternatively, you will. Either way.
It's the best 5 bucks a month you'll ever spend.
You were thinking that Dave Barry is a witch and you are paying less than $11.77 per article. It's a great deal.
Write it off on your taxes. I consider it a mental healthcare expense.
Seriously, Dave, I;ve enjoyed and laughed at your columns many years, and this is the first time I had the opportunity to subscribe to them. Keep up the good work . Laughter if very much needed nowadays !
Sometimes the stars align and the gods smile favorably upon us without our asking for such blessings. Last Friday I experienced such a supernatural event: My lovely wife and I made our daily 20-mile morning commute on I-95 into downtown Miami without 1) never slowing down below 30mph and 2) never encountering typical automatic weapons fire along the route.
Twas Kismet!
HOWEVER, what the stars and gods giveth, they also taketh away: The afternoon return trip was quite different. To wit: Traffic is still stopped, we haven't made it home yet and, worse of all, we're out of ammo!