Personally, I could hardly bear reading this comment.
However, if found to be true, I think such claw-back provisions are discriminatory and should immediately be paws-ed while the US Supreme Court gives this issue their usual enlightened consideration.
Not to do so would surely in-fur-iated our resident population of bears, real and fake, and lead to even more attacks on automobiles owned by people with way too much money.
I live in the Virginia boonies and, while I don't ordinarily notice monkeys swinging through my trees and shrubs, I do see bears quite regularly. I don't wish to burst your bubble but I feel that you don't really look like a bear OR a monkey. In fact, after carefully studying the photo, I conclude that you actually have more than a passing resemblance to Kash Patel wearing an Orphan Annie wig. I think it's the eyes. So sorry.
During a one year stint between radio news jobs, I masqueraded as an "Account Executive" (actual title) for a lady who owned a tiny (her and me) public relations firm. One of our (very few) accounts was Tofutti, a small New York area company that made a hideous ice cream substitute from, yes-- tofu. Since their logo featured a friendly bear, we had a bear costume made, and hired a well-hydrated college student to wear it at promotional events. Later, when Mr. Tofu refused to pay his bill, we refused to return his bear costume, and held it hostage at our office. For "fun" at lunchtime, I would put the bear head on and prowl around our office complex. The image of a bear wearing a suit seemed to alarm folks sequestered in nearby cube farms, and this escapade turned out to be the high point of my brief and undistinguished career in PR.
LOL, that was not deliberate. I just imagined that a PR firm would have dozens of experienced employees. We were not physically tiny, although our client list (and revenue) was. The bear suit, however, was full-sized, and John Irving would be proud.
I am shocked. I can’t believe you didn’t suggest, “Monkeys All Over The Keys” as a great name for a rock band. Or at least the name of a Billy Joel Greatest Hits album.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are in the (virtual) presence of a great talent. I am awed, sir, by your versatile versification, verily! Tip of the hat to you, and as another commenter suggested, you could make a nice living at this. 😁
What surprises me the most about this story is that it did not take place in Florida. “Florida man dresses in bear costume to shred luxury vehicles for money,” comes to mind.
My first thought was that Operation Bear Claw should be about pastries. My second thought was that it was stupid not to use much bigger sharper, industrial-sized meat shredders. And, my last thought was that you did not look like a monkey. You looked more like a beaver. Of course, I can’t see your teeth in the photo so I guess the jury is still out on what kind of animal you really were. For guys that were wealthy enough to own luxury cars, they should’ve spent an extra few dollars hiring a wildlife biologist to verify the details on their bear costume. Or at least they should’ve consulted the Animal Planet channel!
Operation Bear Claw about pastries is my type of movie. And definitely no George Clooney, who I never need to see in another movie. Unless he gets mauled by another bear, perhaps...
TRUE STORY from my former insurance company: An Ohio client hit a deer and dragged the carcass into his car to take home for vittles, except it WASN'T DEAD. It awoke, dug an antler into the back of his scalp, and tore his upholstery to shreds. He jumped out and was calling 911 when he was attacked by someone's dog. The operator advised him to get in his car to await the police. "I CAN'T," he shouted, "THERE'S A DEER IN THERE!" (The insurance paid for everything.)
Didn't they do a film about that? Where David Spade and Chris Farley put a deer they hit into the car and it wasn't dead? "Tommy Boy," and that scene still makes me laugh!
One summer in '79 or '80, I worked at a newly-opened but now-defunct Planters Peanuts retail store (nuts & candies in profusion) on the boardwalk in Wildwood, New Jersey, and workers had to take turns outside the store wearing an unwieldy plastic Mr Peanut outfit to generate interest. We had to wear dark pants, white gloves, simulated white spats, a cane, and carry a bag of roasted in-the-shell peanuts to hand out, all while wearing the plastic 'shell'. Mr Peanut's monocle'd eye-hole was the only way to see out of the costume.
Children under 3 would scream and run in horror when Mr Peanut would appear, and drunk teenagers would think it 'funny' to push over the Mr Peanut. The thing weighed about 25 pounds and rested on two straps over one's shoulders. After one worker passed out from heat-stroke on a very hot and humid day, we were (thankfully) limited to only wearing the costume after sundown.
How does one distinguish a simulated white spat from an actual white spat? (I am reminded of a conundrum from an undergraduate philosophy course, inspired by the professor’s reading of graffiti on a dirty windshield: “Test Dirt: Do Not Remove.” Can there be a distinction between imitation dust and real dust?)
It was just a piece of white plastic with an elastic around the ankle and a hook in the front for shoe laces. They were quite useless and didn’t last long. They were never replaced.
I was an active duty Marine stationed in Newport RI during the Bicentennial. Our unit traveled all over New England doing flag pageants with historical flags and period uniforms, including early uniforms from the American Revolution. I was often one of the Marines wearing that uniform which included a charming powdered wig. During one of the events we attended we visited the local state hospital where it quickly became apparent that our uniforms and flags made our group look much more like patients than the actual patients. I’m still amazed we made it out of there without losing a single Marine.
Dave, in the public interest, I should point out that anyone thinking of visiting California for purposes of car clawing, should also be aware of state Penal Code §185. This law was enacted largely because of visitors from New Jersey dressing like surfers and shouting "Gnarly!" in 1872, before there was surfing. The law makes it a misdemeanor to wear any disguise — mask, false whiskers, or other concealment — if the purpose is to avoid being identified while committing a crime or fleeing from one. So, just to be clear, in addition to car clawing:
* Wearing a bear costume while shoplifting → illegal
* Putting on a bear head to escape police after a crime → illegal
Should you be foolish enough to attempt this, you could be subject to:
* Up to 6 months in jail, and/or
* Up to $1,000 in fines
* Be restricted from catching salmon and/or
* Compelled to be a roadside attraction along northern Highway 101 for six months
However, being in disguise (including a bear suit) simply to blend in with the natives, especially in Los Angeles and environs is not illegal and, is in fact, encouraged.
Restricted from catching salmon?! Having to catch salmon should BE the penalty for committing a crime while wearing a bear suit. Alright, you want to be a bear? Here's your chance; you have to wear it 24/7, sleep here by this river, and the only things that you can eat are what you catch out of it using your meat claws (or your mouth). Creative sentencing I say. A week of that would save the taxpayers the cost of jailing them for 6 months and be a more effective deterrent. 😂
We were vacationing in Yosemite several years ago. When we picked up our rental car in San Francisco we had to sign a waiver that said Yosemite travelers are responsible for all bear damage if food was left in the car. In the park, not 15 seconds in, signs said there would be hefty fines for leaving food in your car and endangering bears. Not 60 more seconds later, close to El Capitan, there is a bear peeling off a passenger side door of a rental car. It was destroying the interior while a crowd was amazed at the strength and agility of that bear. Equally amazing, to me anyway, was the people who rented that car trying to shoo the bear away with the scientifically appropriate , “Shoo bear, shoo!” Little did they know that “Shoo” is apparently bear speak for “look under the dashboard” because that came flying out in two pieces in no time at all. The Rangers showed up. They knew the bear by name and the bear knew his own name and walked away like it was a normal workday for him.
A citation was issued for several hundred dollars. The car was towed away not long after that which goes to show you that there is obviously a bear/tow truck syndicate operating in the valley. What delicacies did the bear enjoy inside that car? A small tube of cherry lip gloss. He left hungry but his lips look fantastic.
I assume the insurance companies have a claw back provision in their policies?
I groaned but I still had to "like" this
Personally, I could hardly bear reading this comment.
However, if found to be true, I think such claw-back provisions are discriminatory and should immediately be paws-ed while the US Supreme Court gives this issue their usual enlightened consideration.
Not to do so would surely in-fur-iated our resident population of bears, real and fake, and lead to even more attacks on automobiles owned by people with way too much money.
I’m sure some readers may have thought that pun was grisly, but I thought it was a honey of a pun!
You get 2 extra points for that one!
I don't know about that, but I wish someone had had a camera during those incidents. It was a perfect "Kodiak" moment.
How come your monkey suit looks more like a chipmunk on steroids? Just askin'.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
In its defense, it had a long tail.
I live in the Virginia boonies and, while I don't ordinarily notice monkeys swinging through my trees and shrubs, I do see bears quite regularly. I don't wish to burst your bubble but I feel that you don't really look like a bear OR a monkey. In fact, after carefully studying the photo, I conclude that you actually have more than a passing resemblance to Kash Patel wearing an Orphan Annie wig. I think it's the eyes. So sorry.
ROTFLMAO
"In its defense, it had a long tail." I wonder if that sentence has every been uttered during a criminal trial. That would be interesting.
Molto funny!!
I said a beaver. But you are more accurate in saying that it looks like a chipmunk!
Either way, it definitely doesn't look like a monkey!
And of course Chipmunks On Steroids would be a great name for a rock band…
But, would there be an Alvin, a Simon, and a Theodore?
During a one year stint between radio news jobs, I masqueraded as an "Account Executive" (actual title) for a lady who owned a tiny (her and me) public relations firm. One of our (very few) accounts was Tofutti, a small New York area company that made a hideous ice cream substitute from, yes-- tofu. Since their logo featured a friendly bear, we had a bear costume made, and hired a well-hydrated college student to wear it at promotional events. Later, when Mr. Tofu refused to pay his bill, we refused to return his bear costume, and held it hostage at our office. For "fun" at lunchtime, I would put the bear head on and prowl around our office complex. The image of a bear wearing a suit seemed to alarm folks sequestered in nearby cube farms, and this escapade turned out to be the high point of my brief and undistinguished career in PR.
Everyone should keep a bear suit handy, just in case.
Just don't get the bear suit confused with the bare suit.
Or be like Susie the bear at The Hotel New Hampshire, and just wear it all the time!
I would have said meat claws, but hey, you do you.
The “meat clause”? Is the bear sui(t)ing you??
"a tiny (her and me) public relations firm": nominee for this week's most intriguingly ambiguous parenthetical phrase.
LOL, that was not deliberate. I just imagined that a PR firm would have dozens of experienced employees. We were not physically tiny, although our client list (and revenue) was. The bear suit, however, was full-sized, and John Irving would be proud.
In the movie “overboard“ the husband has an affair with a young woman named Tofutti : )
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I am shocked. I can’t believe you didn’t suggest, “Monkeys All Over The Keys” as a great name for a rock band. Or at least the name of a Billy Joel Greatest Hits album.
Or the Flatulent Musk Oxen. I tried to avoid posting this but here we are.
Dave's Substack is not a place where people go to suppress their baser instincts.
The monkeys, my friend, are blowin' in the wind.
Or The Three Bears
And, in a related story, let's not forget Zez Confrey's classic, "Kitten on the Keys." https://youtu.be/m2IHWPhRnXc?si=P0sk1b4dqVSio7Lm
Whenever seeking new recruits
To model phony wildlife suits,
It’s all too easy to forget
The copious amounts of sweat.
Thus OSHA should devise a guide
Which, after research, would provide
Safe limits for the folks inside.
(Here, trumpet players should reveal
The ‘spit valve’ on their trumpet’s real.
Likewise, the costume of an ape
Should have a valve where sweat escapes).
Our government should have this goal:
Eliminate the frightening toll
Of heat-stroke victims, dehydrated,
By monkey suits not OSHA rated.
I’ll add here: can’t we find a way
To make ape suits in the USA?
‘Til now, the manufacturers have been
Red Chinese speaking Mandarin.
At least produce them in Taiwan,
The Philippines, perhaps Saigon.
Or introduce an import quota
To have them made in Sarasota.
How long did you labor on that bit of poesy, Perry? Impressive, to say the least!
The challenge, which is ever real,
To please such fans as Roger Beal,
Is not to linger in the throes
Of vain self-doubt,
But to compose.
Thus driven by my own strange creed,
I versify at shocking speed.
Is it a blessing? Or a curse?
My talent making rapid verse.
In ancient times, the Middle Ages
Rewarded bards and other sages;
Maybe appointed to a court
To offer noble diners sport.
Alas, I’m just another guy
Frightened and threatened by AI.
Claude, write me a short poem in the style of Glenn Ebo Perry about men in bear suits ….
Viking raiders could often be found working
Wearing bear-shirts; this they called ‘berserking’.
They lived and died in an endless series
Of battles, witnessed by Valkyries.
Thus the bear suit, it is often claimed,
Was instituted by Great Danes.
(laughing and applauding this whole sub-branch of the comments thread)
Surely our highly varied and generous economy has a well-paying spot for someone with your talents. Seriously!
That’s what my wife says!
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are in the (virtual) presence of a great talent. I am awed, sir, by your versatile versification, verily! Tip of the hat to you, and as another commenter suggested, you could make a nice living at this. 😁
How I hate this “régime”.
How I hate its exponents!
I yearn to see them in chains.
Those would be such precious moments!
The executioner’s axe
Cleaving off Donald’s noggin,
While the MAGA world slides, on a toboggan
To the entrance to Hell!
I am confident stating
Nothing Trumpy ends well.
And here I thought no one could ever make a monkey out of Dave Barry.
Well done, sir, well done! 😊
What surprises me the most about this story is that it did not take place in Florida. “Florida man dresses in bear costume to shred luxury vehicles for money,” comes to mind.
This occurred to me as well. Floridians might be jealous, except Dave’s explanation at the end that it’s too hot for a bear suit.
I think in Florida it would need to be a python or alligator suit. Or maybe a Skunk Ape!
My first thought was that Operation Bear Claw should be about pastries. My second thought was that it was stupid not to use much bigger sharper, industrial-sized meat shredders. And, my last thought was that you did not look like a monkey. You looked more like a beaver. Of course, I can’t see your teeth in the photo so I guess the jury is still out on what kind of animal you really were. For guys that were wealthy enough to own luxury cars, they should’ve spent an extra few dollars hiring a wildlife biologist to verify the details on their bear costume. Or at least they should’ve consulted the Animal Planet channel!
Operation Bear Claw about pastries is my type of movie. And definitely no George Clooney, who I never need to see in another movie. Unless he gets mauled by another bear, perhaps...
Maybe Alton Brown or Ina Garten as the bear?
Good choices!
Well nobody is all bad. I do like George Clooney‘s taste in coffee, lol!
Or mauled by pastries?
I think it was Big Foot
TRUE STORY from my former insurance company: An Ohio client hit a deer and dragged the carcass into his car to take home for vittles, except it WASN'T DEAD. It awoke, dug an antler into the back of his scalp, and tore his upholstery to shreds. He jumped out and was calling 911 when he was attacked by someone's dog. The operator advised him to get in his car to await the police. "I CAN'T," he shouted, "THERE'S A DEER IN THERE!" (The insurance paid for everything.)
That's a great story.
In West Virginia, you can be fined for hitting a deer with a car if you don’t have a valid deer hunting permit.
Was the client somehow related to RFKjr?
Didn't they do a film about that? Where David Spade and Chris Farley put a deer they hit into the car and it wasn't dead? "Tommy Boy," and that scene still makes me laugh!
We have been trying to reach you about your extended upholstery coverage. Also rawr.
Is Clooney a method actor? Will he stay in character for the entire shoot, rummaging around through trash cans and sleeping in crawl spaces?
And shitting in the woods.
No, you're confusing him with a raccoon.
One summer in '79 or '80, I worked at a newly-opened but now-defunct Planters Peanuts retail store (nuts & candies in profusion) on the boardwalk in Wildwood, New Jersey, and workers had to take turns outside the store wearing an unwieldy plastic Mr Peanut outfit to generate interest. We had to wear dark pants, white gloves, simulated white spats, a cane, and carry a bag of roasted in-the-shell peanuts to hand out, all while wearing the plastic 'shell'. Mr Peanut's monocle'd eye-hole was the only way to see out of the costume.
Children under 3 would scream and run in horror when Mr Peanut would appear, and drunk teenagers would think it 'funny' to push over the Mr Peanut. The thing weighed about 25 pounds and rested on two straps over one's shoulders. After one worker passed out from heat-stroke on a very hot and humid day, we were (thankfully) limited to only wearing the costume after sundown.
I still have nightmares about wearing it.
An old boyfriend told similar tales about his part-time job in high school wearing the Mr Peanut outfit in front of a store in Homewood, Ill.
So I wasn’t hallucinating any of it.
Sounds like the 3 year olds got it right. Much the same as their rightful reaction to clowns.
So you were handing out peanuts on the half shell? Asking for a friend.
> We had to wear … simulated white spats
How does one distinguish a simulated white spat from an actual white spat? (I am reminded of a conundrum from an undergraduate philosophy course, inspired by the professor’s reading of graffiti on a dirty windshield: “Test Dirt: Do Not Remove.” Can there be a distinction between imitation dust and real dust?)
It was just a piece of white plastic with an elastic around the ankle and a hook in the front for shoe laces. They were quite useless and didn’t last long. They were never replaced.
I was an active duty Marine stationed in Newport RI during the Bicentennial. Our unit traveled all over New England doing flag pageants with historical flags and period uniforms, including early uniforms from the American Revolution. I was often one of the Marines wearing that uniform which included a charming powdered wig. During one of the events we attended we visited the local state hospital where it quickly became apparent that our uniforms and flags made our group look much more like patients than the actual patients. I’m still amazed we made it out of there without losing a single Marine.
Nevertheless…and with emphasis…thank you for your service! My uncle (a Marine in the early 1950’s) would be especially proud. 👍😊
Gives a whole new meaning to “leave no man behind.” 😜
Dave, in the public interest, I should point out that anyone thinking of visiting California for purposes of car clawing, should also be aware of state Penal Code §185. This law was enacted largely because of visitors from New Jersey dressing like surfers and shouting "Gnarly!" in 1872, before there was surfing. The law makes it a misdemeanor to wear any disguise — mask, false whiskers, or other concealment — if the purpose is to avoid being identified while committing a crime or fleeing from one. So, just to be clear, in addition to car clawing:
* Wearing a bear costume while shoplifting → illegal
* Putting on a bear head to escape police after a crime → illegal
Should you be foolish enough to attempt this, you could be subject to:
* Up to 6 months in jail, and/or
* Up to $1,000 in fines
* Be restricted from catching salmon and/or
* Compelled to be a roadside attraction along northern Highway 101 for six months
However, being in disguise (including a bear suit) simply to blend in with the natives, especially in Los Angeles and environs is not illegal and, is in fact, encouraged.
Restricted from catching salmon?! Having to catch salmon should BE the penalty for committing a crime while wearing a bear suit. Alright, you want to be a bear? Here's your chance; you have to wear it 24/7, sleep here by this river, and the only things that you can eat are what you catch out of it using your meat claws (or your mouth). Creative sentencing I say. A week of that would save the taxpayers the cost of jailing them for 6 months and be a more effective deterrent. 😂
Here Come the Monkees probably isn’t viable as a theme song. Also, could this movie even be made without Andy Serkis?
...featuring the Meat Claw as The Precious.
We were vacationing in Yosemite several years ago. When we picked up our rental car in San Francisco we had to sign a waiver that said Yosemite travelers are responsible for all bear damage if food was left in the car. In the park, not 15 seconds in, signs said there would be hefty fines for leaving food in your car and endangering bears. Not 60 more seconds later, close to El Capitan, there is a bear peeling off a passenger side door of a rental car. It was destroying the interior while a crowd was amazed at the strength and agility of that bear. Equally amazing, to me anyway, was the people who rented that car trying to shoo the bear away with the scientifically appropriate , “Shoo bear, shoo!” Little did they know that “Shoo” is apparently bear speak for “look under the dashboard” because that came flying out in two pieces in no time at all. The Rangers showed up. They knew the bear by name and the bear knew his own name and walked away like it was a normal workday for him.
A citation was issued for several hundred dollars. The car was towed away not long after that which goes to show you that there is obviously a bear/tow truck syndicate operating in the valley. What delicacies did the bear enjoy inside that car? A small tube of cherry lip gloss. He left hungry but his lips look fantastic.
Bear/Tow Truck Syndicate- now there's a name for a rock band
I wish I could hit like more than once. What a great story!