Dave, I’m SO glad I found you here on Substack. My family used to read your pieces faithfully in the good ol’ Wichita Eagle-Beacon back in the day (“the day” being the early ‘80s) and the fact that a self-absorbed teenager like myself and two parents hanging on by a thread could laugh at the same thing and enjoy sharing it with each other - well, I didn’t get it at the time, but now those are priceless memories. Thank you, and thank you for continuing to make me laugh on a regular basis. And, obviously - shampoo, conditioner, body wash.
This is a perennial accolade which should be added to every post -- thank you for expressing our gratitude for so many years of laughs. We used to carry a Barry Book along on every long drive so we could break the monotony of license plate bingo.
I’ve read many DB books on vacation and find it embarrassing when people look at me trying not to laugh out loud with tears running down my face! Being a similar age to Dave I was reading DB turns 50 on my 50th birthday trip to a spa and couldn’t stop laughing hysterically.
Forgive me for quoting myself on the important combinatorial question raised by this article (answer: The number of possible orders is 3! = 6).
Another Modest Proposal on Limiting the First Amendment
While we are again debating limitations on the First Amendment, might I propose — for the benefit of those of us who wear glasses, but not in the shower — federal capital punishment for using a larger font, on products likely to be used while bathing, for metaphysical terminology (such as “essence”) than for what the product actually is, e.g. “shampoo”?
Elevator music? Back in the day, I think a band called Silky Pits could have opened for Pink Floyd or The Rolling Stones. It's *that* cool a band name!
Of course, elevators now *play* Floyd and the Stones, so perhaps elevator music is best.
An idea for a future column. Interesting things found in hotel rooms. Once we got a room where the wooden bed frame base creaked very badly when we sat on it. I looked underneath the mattress to try to see what the damage was, and found an interesting assortment of accessories for adult playtime! We found a sack and took them down to the front desk. They gave us a different room.
One time I was on a trip and I complained that no matter how often I washed my hair it remained greasy. It turned out I’d been washing my hair in hand lotion. I now make sure to read all the labels with my glasses on before I go into the shower.
Years ago my mom complained to my sister that she’d been using the lotion my sister left behind. Complained it wasn’t very effective on her dry skin. “I didn’t leave any lotion,” my sister told her. Turns out Mom was slathering herself with Herbal Essence Shampoo. She had no clue but did think it odd how her skin foamed during showers.
Do you ever forget which room you in because hotel is a new one every day? Can be an adventure using key card on every door on floor to try to get into room only to recall you were on another floor in another city. A former road warrior experience.
When I was younger there was no internet to answer the question: What is a bidet for? (In most European hotels.) I never approached it when traveling. It was weird.
I was out at a Seattle bar with friends, one of whom was a guy who said he went to the Sorbonne for a term. He said you wash your elbows and arms in it. The women's bathroom had a bidet in it. All of us were still contemplating it. A friend went and bent her head over the bidet and pushed the "button". She was so shocked she kept pushing it until it was kind of a "lawn hose" in nature. Other women ran out. Someone came to their senses and pushed her away from it. She was soaking wet. The Sorbonne guy left while we were in the bathroom.
Anyone with long hair knows it's 1) shampoo, 2) conditioner which you leave on while you use the 3) shower gel. Also, I've discovered that you shouldn't eat Cheeze-its in the shower. Just FYI.
Why is nobody else “Scottish and Offended?!” That choice resonates with me and I’m not Scottish or offended but it always seems like the obviously correct response to Dave’s very scientific polls! 😂 thanks for making this world a little brighter Dave, we need it!
It's so good to know that now that you're writing for public consumption again, the American literary world is once again in safe, though slightly cheeto-stained hands.
Many years ago a shampoo manufacturer admitted in an otherwise singularly boring interview that the only reason for repeating was to force people to use more shampoo, so they had to buy more shampoo.
I am so grateful - on a morning when toilet jokes make total sense (given government FOR the people just got flushed last night and we’re in deep 💩 now) I was out loud laughing…BONUS points for the Carl H texts too - Florida may be its own joke but it sure did produce the best writers! (I was born raised and fled FL so I can talk 💩 about it). 🌴💩🏝️
Ok, I quit drinking 4 years ago. That's been liberating and I'm sticking with it, but I'm for a cold beer tap in all showers. I'm all for DOGE, ending Forever Wars, and supporting confusing identity plays in Outer Mongolia, but beer taps in showers would save humanity.
When I was a first-time author, I held a book signing in my local senior center. Nobody bought a book or asked me to sign one. In addition, the person who set up the refreshment table set it up AWAY from where I was, and everyone, of course, headed over there after I was finished with my presentation. I will never do THAT again!
I am not sure what the possible upside would be for YOU, but personally I would love it if you wrote another one about your marriages and parenting and family life and personal shortcomings and triumphs and gave it the same perspective you give your parents at the start of the book. There were no exploding toilets (even after priming Chekhov’s pump!), but that was some of the best writing since Proust. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Dave, I’m SO glad I found you here on Substack. My family used to read your pieces faithfully in the good ol’ Wichita Eagle-Beacon back in the day (“the day” being the early ‘80s) and the fact that a self-absorbed teenager like myself and two parents hanging on by a thread could laugh at the same thing and enjoy sharing it with each other - well, I didn’t get it at the time, but now those are priceless memories. Thank you, and thank you for continuing to make me laugh on a regular basis. And, obviously - shampoo, conditioner, body wash.
This is a perennial accolade which should be added to every post -- thank you for expressing our gratitude for so many years of laughs. We used to carry a Barry Book along on every long drive so we could break the monotony of license plate bingo.
License plate bingo is wildly entertaining ... for at least 4 minutes.
I’m glad my memories struck a chord for you. A Barry Book for road trips! Why didn’t we think of that!
I’ve read many DB books on vacation and find it embarrassing when people look at me trying not to laugh out loud with tears running down my face! Being a similar age to Dave I was reading DB turns 50 on my 50th birthday trip to a spa and couldn’t stop laughing hysterically.
Oh wow I could’ve used that book when I turned 50!
Glad to know you have nice silky underarm hair now, Dave.
Silky Pits sounds like a good name for an elevator music cover band.
Alert Readers suggesting band names is the best.
I think Alert Readers might be a good band name! Especially since Mr. Trump has trouble reading. Or being alert.
“To Quote My New Underwear” WBAGNFARB.
Forgive me for quoting myself on the important combinatorial question raised by this article (answer: The number of possible orders is 3! = 6).
Another Modest Proposal on Limiting the First Amendment
While we are again debating limitations on the First Amendment, might I propose — for the benefit of those of us who wear glasses, but not in the shower — federal capital punishment for using a larger font, on products likely to be used while bathing, for metaphysical terminology (such as “essence”) than for what the product actually is, e.g. “shampoo”?
https://x.com/Flash_Sheridan/status/1845137365209084181
Elevator music? Back in the day, I think a band called Silky Pits could have opened for Pink Floyd or The Rolling Stones. It's *that* cool a band name!
Of course, elevators now *play* Floyd and the Stones, so perhaps elevator music is best.
Oh please, may I sing with Silky Pits??
Eeeeww!!
I'll bet it has a nice wave, too.
You presume no hotel showers had their bottles: Nair, shower gel, shampoo, conditioner.
An idea for a future column. Interesting things found in hotel rooms. Once we got a room where the wooden bed frame base creaked very badly when we sat on it. I looked underneath the mattress to try to see what the damage was, and found an interesting assortment of accessories for adult playtime! We found a sack and took them down to the front desk. They gave us a different room.
I suspect they probably cleaned your first room with a flamethrower.
In that same vein, do not EVER shine a UV light on a hotel bedspread ....
EWWWW I'll need to either forget you said this or never again stay at a hotel.
One time I was on a trip and I complained that no matter how often I washed my hair it remained greasy. It turned out I’d been washing my hair in hand lotion. I now make sure to read all the labels with my glasses on before I go into the shower.
Years ago my mom complained to my sister that she’d been using the lotion my sister left behind. Complained it wasn’t very effective on her dry skin. “I didn’t leave any lotion,” my sister told her. Turns out Mom was slathering herself with Herbal Essence Shampoo. She had no clue but did think it odd how her skin foamed during showers.
I should add, though, that I had no tangles at all with the hand lotion method.
Do you ever forget which room you in because hotel is a new one every day? Can be an adventure using key card on every door on floor to try to get into room only to recall you were on another floor in another city. A former road warrior experience.
When I was younger there was no internet to answer the question: What is a bidet for? (In most European hotels.) I never approached it when traveling. It was weird.
I was out at a Seattle bar with friends, one of whom was a guy who said he went to the Sorbonne for a term. He said you wash your elbows and arms in it. The women's bathroom had a bidet in it. All of us were still contemplating it. A friend went and bent her head over the bidet and pushed the "button". She was so shocked she kept pushing it until it was kind of a "lawn hose" in nature. Other women ran out. Someone came to their senses and pushed her away from it. She was soaking wet. The Sorbonne guy left while we were in the bathroom.
Oh thank God. If I had a dime for every time I washed my elbows in a bidet, wondering if it was the right thing to do. I feel vindicated.
What is the cause of dirty elbows?
We don't ask that in mixed company. blush:)
Our first visit to a dorm in France, we used the bidet to wash our clothes.
We (still) use it to store the bottles of wine we buy during the day. Also ice, of course.
They are multi-purpose!
It's a great place to shave your legs.
Anyone with long hair knows it's 1) shampoo, 2) conditioner which you leave on while you use the 3) shower gel. Also, I've discovered that you shouldn't eat Cheeze-its in the shower. Just FYI.
Agree on all counts.
Why is nobody else “Scottish and Offended?!” That choice resonates with me and I’m not Scottish or offended but it always seems like the obviously correct response to Dave’s very scientific polls! 😂 thanks for making this world a little brighter Dave, we need it!
What I would give to be in the same room with two of my three favorite wickedly funny writers! (The other is David Sedaris if anyone’s curious).
Andy Borowitz ain't bad either
Love, love, love Mr. Sedaris…but CRAVE Dave Barry.
It's so good to know that now that you're writing for public consumption again, the American literary world is once again in safe, though slightly cheeto-stained hands.
Simply affix waterproof tags to shampoo, directing RINSE AND REPEAT. Conditioner is clearly
marked NOT FOR MEN. This will prevent confusion, delay, and even self-abuse.
Many years ago a shampoo manufacturer admitted in an otherwise singularly boring interview that the only reason for repeating was to force people to use more shampoo, so they had to buy more shampoo.
Not to mention elder abuse Glenn
You’re right, of course, Michael,
it’s the worst of all,
When a treasured elder has a slip-and-fall.
One minute, they’re applying that slick conditioner,
Then BOOM! they’re a Heaven-bound parishioner.
The sadness of lathering your hair up with Prell,
Then to feel your subdural bleed starting to swell.
You lost your balance, and hit the deck,
Did you lose your footing, and break your neck?
Was that age-related, or caused by Breck?
The solution is really quick and easy:
Let your armpits reek, and your hair get greasy.
And avoid those lookalike chain hotels.
For demented old folks, they’re living Hell.
And if you’re unwashed, hey, it’s just as well.
Folks will know it’s you by your rancid smell.
Or avoid the shampoo, and goo, and lotion.
Have a nice brisk dip in the chilly ocean.
What GEB will witticize
No one can criticize
I am so grateful - on a morning when toilet jokes make total sense (given government FOR the people just got flushed last night and we’re in deep 💩 now) I was out loud laughing…BONUS points for the Carl H texts too - Florida may be its own joke but it sure did produce the best writers! (I was born raised and fled FL so I can talk 💩 about it). 🌴💩🏝️
Ok, I quit drinking 4 years ago. That's been liberating and I'm sticking with it, but I'm for a cold beer tap in all showers. I'm all for DOGE, ending Forever Wars, and supporting confusing identity plays in Outer Mongolia, but beer taps in showers would save humanity.
For the record, Mr. Garner has previously reported that exploding toilet humor is a leading cause of global climate change.
When I was a first-time author, I held a book signing in my local senior center. Nobody bought a book or asked me to sign one. In addition, the person who set up the refreshment table set it up AWAY from where I was, and everyone, of course, headed over there after I was finished with my presentation. I will never do THAT again!
We have all been there.
I'm in great company!
Really enjoyed the audiobook!
I am not sure what the possible upside would be for YOU, but personally I would love it if you wrote another one about your marriages and parenting and family life and personal shortcomings and triumphs and gave it the same perspective you give your parents at the start of the book. There were no exploding toilets (even after priming Chekhov’s pump!), but that was some of the best writing since Proust. Thank you for sharing it with us.