If your ears are infested with worms, the best dewormer is Warren Zevon's "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner", a fun lighthearted song about a Norwegian mercenary murdered by a CIA mercenary. It's from the album "Excitable Boy" which has the song "Excitable Boy" about a psychotic serial killer, and also a song about werewolves. Oh, and the Official Miami Theme Song, "Lawyers, Guns, and Money".
I worked in social services (my field was child protection but the agency had responsibility for all the state services in three counties) and after yet another catastrophe, I sent my boss, the district administrator, an email saying "Send lawyers, guns and money, the shit has hit the fan".
Great album! (Just can't play any of those songs when the missus is in the car. She already thinks I have a screw loose. Knowing EVERY word to Zevon's wacky songs will not win me brownie points with her.)
Wow, that song was, um, wow. They play the tune at NRA conventions, right? The Catholic radio station in Hartford, where I do some freelance work, didn't seem to include that one in their holiday rotation last month. Can't imagine why. :)
A high point of my life was eating Peking Duck at Lee Ho Fook in London after watching the Queen pass on her way to a Play on a Saturday night and having some local try to pick my pocket. A true tourist experience. The food was truly great.
I'm going to say, "Nein", which is the German word for "We are better than everyone else in the world even though we lost a world war--twice", and proffer, yes, seriously, "The Girl From Ipanema". This song is ear worm Drano--it will flush the offending song even as it drains away to silence. No matter how powerful your ear worm, "The Girl From Ipanema" is more powerfuller.
Yes, that song is a stinker, too, but "Girl From Ipanema" (to me) has the advantage of going away when its work is done. Using "Yellow Ribbon" is like substituting raw calf liver for black licorice. I mean, you can do it--but the evil is still there.
I’ll have to try Roland, a wonderful song that I know well, except that I already have a guaranteed 100% effective dewormer: “Fat-Bottomed Girls,” by Queen.
How was it even a possibility that you, baked as you are by the FLORIDA SUN, could have been a CREDENTIALED reporter for the WInter Olympics? Do you Own a winter coat ? Can you explain the difference between a balaclava and BAKLAVA? Were you, at some point the official Vodka taster for the US delegation ? And have you written extensively about the primitive conditions in the athletes’ dorms; the cardboard beds, the malfunctioning BIDETS, and the availability of souvenir Olympic condoms in the dorms?
I'm offended that you substituted Red River Valley for the National Anthem. I thought everyone knew that the appropriate substitution has always been Louie Louie.
Thank you. I was wondering if I’d get all the way through the comments without having this pointed out. At the very least, they should have done an acapella (sp?) version of “Tequila!”
I think everything Dave Barry writes carries an obligatory SWALLOW ALERT Warning: if you have anything in your mouth, please swallow it before reading to avoid spewage on your keyboard, monitor, or other electronic device, children, or small pets within spewing distance. We are not responsible for damage to electronics or pets. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Montpelier.
If you have ever wondered what the name is of the metal protuberance on top of a curling stone (commonly referred to as a "thingy") it is a a "curling iron," which is useful for curlers achieving curliness. I know this because my great-great aunt by marriage on my cousin's side was Scottish and permanently offended.
My search results included (I think I am not making this up):
> The Kazoo Funk Orchestra formed in Scotland at the end of 2005, as a pre-apocalyptic merry-go-round collective, featuring musicians, anti-poets, dancers and finger painters.…
> Labels Planet Groucho Records
> Members Big Beard, Boyce, Mr Bruff, Part-Time Dave, Glowstick Girl
I am surprised you didn't mention this: 'How Norway’s ski jumping scandal led to new rules in place for the Winter Olympics,' in a nutshell (ahem): "The Norwegian team was caught cheating at last year’s world championships by manipulating the crotch area in the uniforms of its top two male jumpers."
I sang along to "Johnny Get Angry" deep in nostalgia... kind of. My much older sisters had me memorize songs to sing in front of their girlfriends --- apparently I was the entertainment. I know a bunch of songs not related to my generation, so to speak. Strangely I sing parts of them sometimes while I walk or do the laundry. Horrifically, I know some of the words to "Honey," not one of the songs I was required to learn. My sisters were very hip. I was very nerdy...but not THAT nerdy. Although I wasn't thrilled with going with my eldest sister to see Elvis in "Blue Hawaii"... numerous times. I am not fond of that film.
I watch competitive figure skating a lot and that's my focus during the Olympics. Ilia Malinin is amazing ... and how does he back flip on ice???
(Not to get political but Italy is furious US will send ICE agents for security. 'nough said.)
I heard an NPR segment on this! It has to do with making the suits more aerodynamic. A NYT story says an extra centimeter or two of material in the crotch area can give a jumper an extra five or six meters in length.
The best thing (only good thing) about “Honey” was the wonderful Smothers Brothers skit where they sang the song while touring the Honey House. “see the tree, how big it’s grown”, etc. Priceless!
I was 11 when Johnny get angry was popular. Her sweet voice made me forget about the stupid lyrics, silly production and kazoo break. I just wanted to go to the drive in movies with her. I’m a huge fan of Snoop. It started when I saw him in Old School, which is the best movie ever made, much funnier than Citizen Kane. They even misspelled Cane. For many years we’ve invited Snoop to our family gatherings, but he never shows up. Despite the snub, we’re hoping he wins a gold in downhill skiing.
Wow, your description of the unpleasant bus rides, including conceiving a child with an aromatic photographer, was a rather impressive paragraph. I didn't realize my laptop has a "smell" function, but I was getting some nasty whiffs while reading it. (That could've been the fact that I need a shower. Just sayin')
I love the experience of reading some of Dave's best sentences + paragraphs. It's like riding in one of those loop-the-loop roller coasters -- the pace keeps building and building and OMFG there's a straight-down DIVE ahead and what the hell is that AIIIEEE -- only with much less stomach upset. (But I do pat my shirt pockets to be sure I haven't lost anything.
I read Dave's entire column out loud to my wife each week, and she always laughs hysterically. (Something she rarely does when I read her my columns out loud. Hmm, I guess that Pulitzer Prize, syndicated in 800 newspapers thing shoulda been my first clue.)
"Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life" (the only Christian football waltz) is a joke ... isn't it? Sweet Jesus, don't tell me they were serious!!!!
It is (quite frighteningly) very real. Recorded by Bobby Bare in 1976. There is of course a YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxQsNWhHR8Q And then there is this: The Deer Hunter. When returning to the bar after the hunting trip, they are singing "Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goalposts Of Life)" a Bobby Bare song released in 1976 after the Vietnam War had ended.
One of my favorite bad song titles from Dave's book of Bad Songs: There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit-of-the-Looms to Hold All My Love for You. If that was a real song, I would pay to see Weird Al Yankovic perform it.
I respectfully disagree. “Timothy” from The Buoys (1970)—the story of three men trapped in a mine ( but only two came out) is my candidate for worst song of all time. It’s a song about eating Timothy burgers. But I agree that your candidate is also horrendous.
The whole Bad Songs book is a masterpiece, in my very humble opinion. I learned a lot about bad songs I didn’t know existed, as well as interesting details about old “unfavorites.” I may be biased, since I’m a big Dave fan, but that’s also why I love hanging out with other even bigger Dave fans here in the comments section. You folks are just fun! 😊
If your ears are infested with worms, the best dewormer is Warren Zevon's "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner", a fun lighthearted song about a Norwegian mercenary murdered by a CIA mercenary. It's from the album "Excitable Boy" which has the song "Excitable Boy" about a psychotic serial killer, and also a song about werewolves. Oh, and the Official Miami Theme Song, "Lawyers, Guns, and Money".
I worked in social services (my field was child protection but the agency had responsibility for all the state services in three counties) and after yet another catastrophe, I sent my boss, the district administrator, an email saying "Send lawyers, guns and money, the shit has hit the fan".
I have ALWAYS wanted to use that line!
Me, too, and despite the catastrophe, I was really happy to finally be able to use it.
My boss, according to her secretary, laughed very hard before picking up the phone to call me for details of said catastrophe.
Great album! (Just can't play any of those songs when the missus is in the car. She already thinks I have a screw loose. Knowing EVERY word to Zevon's wacky songs will not win me brownie points with her.)
MerryCatholic.substack.com
Methinks Dave Barry is a Bad Influence.
Bill, if this is your genre of choice, you'll enjoy "Shouldn't Have Given Him a Gun for Christmas" by Wall of Vooddoo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rf3_rg-VYvQ
This is akin to the great debate over Die Hard - is this an action song or a Christmas song?
Wow, that song was, um, wow. They play the tune at NRA conventions, right? The Catholic radio station in Hartford, where I do some freelance work, didn't seem to include that one in their holiday rotation last month. Can't imagine why. :)
Bill, here is your chance to share with them and bring cultural enlightenment! 🎄🔫🎅
I will give it some careful thought, as I always do .... once in a while.
It will win lots of brownie points with lots of other people.
Oh yeah, there are still a lot of Zevon fans around!
A high point of my life was eating Peking Duck at Lee Ho Fook in London after watching the Queen pass on her way to a Play on a Saturday night and having some local try to pick my pocket. A true tourist experience. The food was truly great.
Lee Ho Fook's is a real place! Wow, I thought maybe Warren just made it up. Good info!
I'm going to say, "Nein", which is the German word for "We are better than everyone else in the world even though we lost a world war--twice", and proffer, yes, seriously, "The Girl From Ipanema". This song is ear worm Drano--it will flush the offending song even as it drains away to silence. No matter how powerful your ear worm, "The Girl From Ipanema" is more powerfuller.
I respectfully disagree. Tie a Yellow Ribbon’Round the Old Oak tree is way worse than The Girl From Ipanema.
Let's compromise and agree with what I said. lol
Yes, that song is a stinker, too, but "Girl From Ipanema" (to me) has the advantage of going away when its work is done. Using "Yellow Ribbon" is like substituting raw calf liver for black licorice. I mean, you can do it--but the evil is still there.
I am not Scottish, and I agree.
Sigh. I lasted about 20 seconds into it. Then I found the exit button.
Ditto.
I like to deworm with Julie Brown. Either, “I Like ‘Em Big and Stupid” or “The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun” works for me.
Handy that they’re on the same 45. Which I have.
I have the EP, which also has "'Cause I'm a Blonde" and "Earth Girls Are Easy”
.45. I see what you did there.
It really was on a 45. Ripped it to mp3 myself decades ago.
I believe you. I thought you were making a pun based on the title of one of the tunes and a pistol caliber. Too much coffee on my end, I think.
Julie Brown is HILARIOUS! Check out "Medusa, Dare to be Truthful".
Love the backup singers on Excitable Boy.
Dude! Links to the mp3's please!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWNlYDI9LP4
Ask, and Ye Shall Receive.
Thanks
Here's another nominee for gun songs ... Cows with Guns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI
Cows! Cows with guns!
Oh. My. I kinda want to turn this into an earworm
Let's all fight for bovine freedom
Ah WOOOOOO!
Thank you, oh wiredog, for bestowing upon mine ears this glorious ballad.
And yet another dewormer comes from the Fab 4: Revolution #9
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNdcFPjGsm8
I’ll have to try Roland, a wonderful song that I know well, except that I already have a guaranteed 100% effective dewormer: “Fat-Bottomed Girls,” by Queen.
Wonder what these guys were smoking when they came up with these lyrics.
Zevon never smoked anything. Still died of lung cancer.
How was it even a possibility that you, baked as you are by the FLORIDA SUN, could have been a CREDENTIALED reporter for the WInter Olympics? Do you Own a winter coat ? Can you explain the difference between a balaclava and BAKLAVA? Were you, at some point the official Vodka taster for the US delegation ? And have you written extensively about the primitive conditions in the athletes’ dorms; the cardboard beds, the malfunctioning BIDETS, and the availability of souvenir Olympic condoms in the dorms?
These are all good questions.
Well how about some good answers?
I assume the answer to all is Yes
In their defense, I believe the bidets were actually intended to be water fountains.
Do they have cardboard bidets?
I'm offended that you substituted Red River Valley for the National Anthem. I thought everyone knew that the appropriate substitution has always been Louie Louie.
We were under a lot of pressure.
By which you mean that the bartender was asking for your next drink order.
Sing or drink? Drink or sing? Why not both?!
I believe the song Red River Valley is Canadian in origin.
Thank you. I was wondering if I’d get all the way through the comments without having this pointed out. At the very least, they should have done an acapella (sp?) version of “Tequila!”
since there are no real lyrics to "Louie, Louie" you could have gotten away with just about anything
If the only place with ice is the figure skating venue, we might get a chance to see a new sport: Figure Hockey Curling.
I’m so happy you’re in the world Dave Barry.
Think how I feel.
Dave, your comment made me snort coffee onto my keyboard!
I think everything Dave Barry writes carries an obligatory SWALLOW ALERT Warning: if you have anything in your mouth, please swallow it before reading to avoid spewage on your keyboard, monitor, or other electronic device, children, or small pets within spewing distance. We are not responsible for damage to electronics or pets. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Montpelier.
Ha ha!
😂
Well, yes, we Scots did invent curling but it was more to do with four-ironing the severed heads of recalcitrant Englishmen. Or something.
And my neighbourhood pals and I spent years galumphing down a snowy hill on a tea tray. where's our gold medal eh? eh?
Brilliant, made my day, and it’s only 6:12 AM
If you have ever wondered what the name is of the metal protuberance on top of a curling stone (commonly referred to as a "thingy") it is a a "curling iron," which is useful for curlers achieving curliness. I know this because my great-great aunt by marriage on my cousin's side was Scottish and permanently offended.
Joanie Summers is still alive. Give her a call? From the interweb:
What was Joanie
Sommers' biggest hit?
Johnny Get Angry
Her biggest hit was the notorious 'Johnny Get Angry, a song which continues to annoy feminists to this day and famously features the most
preposterous kazoo solo in the history of Rock & Roll (it was famously later revived by
K.D. Lang).
9 Qjoanie sun Q
I don’t think that was a kazoo solo. I heard at least two and possibly three! Her band had a kazoo section!
Point taken.
You're hearing multitrack dubbing. There was but one kazoo playing member of the musicians' union back in those days.
Google is wondering why "kazoo" and "musicians' union" searches suddenly spiked today.
My search results included (I think I am not making this up):
> The Kazoo Funk Orchestra formed in Scotland at the end of 2005, as a pre-apocalyptic merry-go-round collective, featuring musicians, anti-poets, dancers and finger painters.…
> Labels Planet Groucho Records
> Members Big Beard, Boyce, Mr Bruff, Part-Time Dave, Glowstick Girl
The Carolina Chocolate Drops have "Memphis Breakdown" with the best kazoo playing I have ever heard.
I tried to put in a link, but couldn't get it to work. But well worth looking it up. It is also known as "Memphis Shakedown"
OK, 3rd time's the charm:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ved7J0wuXw&list=RD9Ved7J0wuXw&start_radio=1#:~:text=Carolina%20Chocolate%20Drops%20%2D%20Memphis%20Breakdown
That is stunning information. Thank you!
HA!
But lots of 6 year olds ready to do it!
We are thankful it was not a tuba solo.
Isn't that against the Geneva Conventions?
“Vowel-free nation” - 😂😂😂
Hilarious, *and* a fabulous name for a rock band
I saw an Onion headline that made me cry with laughter: Netherlands agrees to send extraneous vowels to Poland.
I saw that! The Onion rocks! :)
I am surprised you didn't mention this: 'How Norway’s ski jumping scandal led to new rules in place for the Winter Olympics,' in a nutshell (ahem): "The Norwegian team was caught cheating at last year’s world championships by manipulating the crotch area in the uniforms of its top two male jumpers."
I sang along to "Johnny Get Angry" deep in nostalgia... kind of. My much older sisters had me memorize songs to sing in front of their girlfriends --- apparently I was the entertainment. I know a bunch of songs not related to my generation, so to speak. Strangely I sing parts of them sometimes while I walk or do the laundry. Horrifically, I know some of the words to "Honey," not one of the songs I was required to learn. My sisters were very hip. I was very nerdy...but not THAT nerdy. Although I wasn't thrilled with going with my eldest sister to see Elvis in "Blue Hawaii"... numerous times. I am not fond of that film.
I watch competitive figure skating a lot and that's my focus during the Olympics. Ilia Malinin is amazing ... and how does he back flip on ice???
(Not to get political but Italy is furious US will send ICE agents for security. 'nough said.)
I need more information about Norwegian ski jumpers uniforms....
I heard an NPR segment on this! It has to do with making the suits more aerodynamic. A NYT story says an extra centimeter or two of material in the crotch area can give a jumper an extra five or six meters in length.
Five or six meters longer? Sounds like this might be of wider male interest than simply the ski jumping community.
And with those very long Nordic nights, the Norwegians had time to discover this…
Aerodynamics -- now you've got me thinking. I wonder if Norwegian ski jumpers' necks are shorter than the regulation length.
I do NOT want to know what the manipulations entailed. 😳
Oops, too late, I should have read further before leaving my comment. My apologies.
The best thing (only good thing) about “Honey” was the wonderful Smothers Brothers skit where they sang the song while touring the Honey House. “see the tree, how big it’s grown”, etc. Priceless!
I was 11 when Johnny get angry was popular. Her sweet voice made me forget about the stupid lyrics, silly production and kazoo break. I just wanted to go to the drive in movies with her. I’m a huge fan of Snoop. It started when I saw him in Old School, which is the best movie ever made, much funnier than Citizen Kane. They even misspelled Cane. For many years we’ve invited Snoop to our family gatherings, but he never shows up. Despite the snub, we’re hoping he wins a gold in downhill skiing.
I love everything about this comment. 👏🏻🤣👏🏻
I love starting out my day laughing. Thank you! (4:32 am here)
Wow, your description of the unpleasant bus rides, including conceiving a child with an aromatic photographer, was a rather impressive paragraph. I didn't realize my laptop has a "smell" function, but I was getting some nasty whiffs while reading it. (That could've been the fact that I need a shower. Just sayin')
MerryCatholic.substack.com
I love the experience of reading some of Dave's best sentences + paragraphs. It's like riding in one of those loop-the-loop roller coasters -- the pace keeps building and building and OMFG there's a straight-down DIVE ahead and what the hell is that AIIIEEE -- only with much less stomach upset. (But I do pat my shirt pockets to be sure I haven't lost anything.
It’s a stand-out paragraph, best when read out loud.
I read Dave's entire column out loud to my wife each week, and she always laughs hysterically. (Something she rarely does when I read her my columns out loud. Hmm, I guess that Pulitzer Prize, syndicated in 800 newspapers thing shoulda been my first clue.)
MerryCatholic.substack.com
The worst song ever-“Place Kick Me Through the Goalposts of Life” by Wing Ding and his Rubber Band; or any song sung by Roseanne Barr.
"Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life" (the only Christian football waltz) is a joke ... isn't it? Sweet Jesus, don't tell me they were serious!!!!
A great song to sing when drunk in a bar...not that I would know.
I thinks that actually beats “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight” which I will not dignify with a question mark.
As nasaled by Sir Lonegan Donegan, the king of skiffle (a nerdy pre-punk "musical" form)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6bFTVi0hHs&list=RDx6bFTVi0hHs&start_radio=1
I know all the words to that song
Me, too, but I can't remember my phone number.
It is (quite frighteningly) very real. Recorded by Bobby Bare in 1976. There is of course a YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxQsNWhHR8Q And then there is this: The Deer Hunter. When returning to the bar after the hunting trip, they are singing "Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goalposts Of Life)" a Bobby Bare song released in 1976 after the Vietnam War had ended.
One of my favorite bad song titles from Dave's book of Bad Songs: There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit-of-the-Looms to Hold All My Love for You. If that was a real song, I would pay to see Weird Al Yankovic perform it.
I respectfully disagree. “Timothy” from The Buoys (1970)—the story of three men trapped in a mine ( but only two came out) is my candidate for worst song of all time. It’s a song about eating Timothy burgers. But I agree that your candidate is also horrendous.
The whole Bad Songs book is a masterpiece, in my very humble opinion. I learned a lot about bad songs I didn’t know existed, as well as interesting details about old “unfavorites.” I may be biased, since I’m a big Dave fan, but that’s also why I love hanging out with other even bigger Dave fans here in the comments section. You folks are just fun! 😊