The Rock Bottom Remainders in Omaha

That Old -- REALLY Old -- Time Rock and Roll

The situation was this: The city of Omaha, Nebraska, had finally finished work on a spectacular, brand-new, state-of-the-art $158 million library building, and the folks who made it happen wanted to throw a big grand-opening bash.

So they needed a band.

There are many performers they could have invited. The Rolling Stones, Taylor Swift, Bad Bunny, Wayne Newton, Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders, Reformed Bunny, Cher and the late Jimi Hendrix are just a few of the many names I could type in this sentence.

But Omaha did not want just any band. Omaha wanted a band whose members met certain strict musical requirements, specifically that:

1. They had some connection with libraries.

2. They did not expect to be paid.

And so Omaha chose the Rock Bottom Remainders. This is a band of authors who have been performing, in various permutations, since 1992, without ever once playing a song correctly all the way to the end. The lineup varies from show to show; the authors who made it to Omaha, aside from me, were Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson, Mitch Albom, Matt Groening (creator of “The Simpsons”), Scott Turow, Alan Zweibel and my brother Sam Barry. We had two non-author ringers who are actual musicians, Josh Kelly on drums and Erasmo Paolo on saxophone. Also on hand were our manager/wrangler, Ted Habte-Gabr, and our endlessly patient sound man, Gary Hirstius.

The party we played at was called LOUD AT THE LIBRARY! Here’s the poster:

The band flew into Omaha a couple of days before the party. Here’s an interesting geographical fact: When you drive out of the Omaha airport, which is in Nebraska, en route to the city of Omaha, which is also in Nebraska, you almost immediately come to a sign that says WELCOME TO IOWA. This is because an Iowa city called Carter Lake, instead of being on the east side of the Missouri River along with the rest of Iowa, is now, because the river changed course, over on the Nebraska side. On the map it looks as though Iowa is invading Nebraska, as part of its ruthless ongoing quest to gain control of the world’s supply of corn.

Omaha is in the Midwest, so everybody there — It’s a stereotype because it’s true — is nice. And it’s a real city, featuring major stores, good restaurants, serious museums and several tall buildings. Although I would not describe it as “bustling,” at least not compared to Miami. Here’s a photo Michelle took of me on a major street near our downtown hotel at 5:30 p.m. on a weekday. This is not a staged photo for which we had to wait until there was a break in the traffic. This WAS the traffic.

Photo by Michelle Kaufman

But we were not in Omaha to relax. We were in Omaha to play a “gig” (musician lingo). It had been nearly two years since our last one, which meant we needed all the rehearsal time we could get. So on the day before our big library performance, about half of the band went to the zoo. Omaha has a world-class zoo, which gave the Remainders a special tour, featuring an opportunity to get fondled by a snake, an experience we see Amy and Matt enjoying here.

Photos by Robin Zweibel

I passed on the zoo tour, because I’m afraid of snakes as the band’s guitarist, I wanted to practice playing “chords,” which is the technical term for the musical units that, when clumped together, form into rock songs. “E” is the main one. In the photo below I’m practicing chords in the hotel with Erasmo, who’s playing “notes.” Note that, in an effort to not annoy the other guests, he’s playing his saxophone with the horn part still inside the carrying case. Because that’s the kind of thoughtful rockers we are.

Photo by Laura Barry

On the eve of the big show, the whole band gathered for a group dinner, during which the conversation turned, as it so often does when hard-partying rock musicians on tour get together, to our prostate glands. The average age of our band members is approximately 120, so we had a LOT to talk about. At one point we went around the table asking everybody’s PSA level, and the average was alarmingly high, even when we factored in the women, who were all zeros.

But enough about our musical preparation process. It’s time to describe:

THE GIG

We played on a stage that had been set up in the new library building, which is spectacular. If you ever need to borrow a book in Omaha, you should definitely do it there. There was a fine crowd on hand, consisting of several hundred donors, civic officials and library staffers. Also — this is an absolutely crucial element for anyone attempting to enjoy a Remainders performance — there was an open bar.

We took the stage at the wild-and-crazy-rock-’n’-roll-animal hour of 8:30 p.m.

From left: Scott Turow, Alan Zweibel, Matt Groening, me, Mitch Albom, Amy Tan, Ridley Pearson and Sam Barry. (Photo by Sophie Barry)

Here’s one key to the Rock Bottom Remainders’ signature “sound”: The three men on the left in the photo above — Scott, Alan and Matt — appear to be backup singers, but as you will see in the video below, only one of them, Scott, is actually singing. Alan is moving his mouth, but no sound is coming out. Matt isn’t even moving his mouth. He’s just bobbing around in what he believes to be a rhythmic manner.

All videos by Sophie Barry

But this band is not just about music. It is also about impactful human drama, as you will see in the next video, wherein we attempt with limited success to execute the introduction to the iconic 1964 Shangri-Las song “Leader of the Pack,” featuring Amy as the heartbroken girlfriend, Alan and Matt in Marge Simpson wigs as the gossipy high-school girls, and Amy’s husband Lou DeMattei as the badass motorcycle dude. (Lou provides the revving sounds.)

In the next one we’re performing the deeply moving part of the song where the leader of the pack has a tragic motorcycle crash. “I begged him, don’t text and drive!” wails Amy. It’s very sad. There was not a dry pair of underpants in the house.

In Amy’s other dramatic role, she performs “These Boots are Made for Walking” dressed in a dominatrix outfit. Here she is dominating Matt, who’s wearing a dog collar and performing his only signature dance move:

Digression: The day after the library show, Amy was going through security at the Omaha airport, and a jar of protein powder in her luggage somehow triggered a TSA security alert as a potential explosive. Here, as Amy wrote in an email to the band, is what happened next:

Four grim-faced TSA agents proceeded to examine every single item in two suitcases and duffel. This was not a general swipe of the inside of the suitcase and carry-on. Not just a peek inside pouches. Four TSA agents at two counters removed everything from my bags — every item in clothing packs, items in my makeup bag, medical pouch, and dental kit, my hairbrush, flip flops, dirty underwear, AND every single carefully curated item of my dominatrix costume — pulling it out in front of everyone. Police cap, whip, chains, studded cuffs, collar, slinky outfit, blonde wig...

I did not get the protein powder or special container back. They put it in a special box and will take it to a special place in the airport that destroys explosives.

So thanks to quick action by the TSA, we can all breathe a little easier, knowing that we, as a nation, are safe from Amy’s vegan, plant-based, non-GMO protein powder — which, as Amy noted in her email, “can cause explosive diarrhea.”

But getting back to the Remainders’ library show: We had a special guest performance by the late Elvis Presley, portrayed by Mitch Albom, who in this video transforms seamlessly from Leisure Suit Elvis into Jailbird Elvis:

Speaking of masculine and manly stud-muffin sex gods, we also did songs featuring Scott, Ridley and my little brother Sam.

Photos by Laura Barry

And since we’re an author band, we did several songs with literary themes, including one that I wrote called “Moby Dick,” which musically is a flagrant ripoff of “Alley Oop” by the Hollywood Argyles. It’s also, I believe, the only rock song ever written whose lyrics include the word “baleen.” Our performance of it features Alan wearing a whale costume and spitting water onto the crowd, which for some reason — probably the open bar — the crowd actually seemed to enjoy:

The lyrics include these words, taken directly from Herman Melville:

Ahab messed up, he fell off his ship

Moby swallowed his leg like a Pringle chip

You may have noticed that the shirt I’m wearing has a photo on it. That’s Greg Iles, who was a longtime member of the Rock Bottom Remainders, and who died last year after a long, tough fight with blood cancer.

Greg was a great writer and an excellent musician — way too good for the likes of us, though he loved being in the Remainders. He was also a really, really good guy. We miss him a lot. Toward the end of the Omaha show we did a little tribute to him, and we invited his widow, Caroline Hungerford, to join us onstage so we could serenade her with (of course) “Sweet Caroline.”

So that was nice. In fact the whole Omaha experience, aside from Amy having her underwear ransacked by the TSA, was great. We thank the library folks for inviting us, and for their wonderful hospitality, and above all for the open bar. Also we promise not to quit our day jobs.

And now, speaking of great, let’s hear from you paying subscribers, one of whom happens to be notable national-security threat Amy Tan.