The Moon Mission
To boldly go, on a special space commode.
Yay! We’re going back to the Moon! And we’re taking a Canadian!
It has been a long time coming, but finally, on Wednesday evening, after years of preparation and a brief launch delay caused by a long line at the TSA checkpoint, NASA’s Artemis II spacecraft — named for Artemis II, the Greek goddess of large federal contracts — blasted off, with a crew of four, from what is currently named the Kennedy Space Center, although that could change if the president finds out about it.
The space center is of course located in Florida, which is considered the best state to launch rockets from because, as this chart shows, it contains relatively little gravity.
After departing from Florida, the Artemis II spacecraft is scheduled to circle the Earth a few times to get its bearings, then leave Earth orbit and head for the Moon, with a brief layover in Atlanta. After looping around the Moon, it will return to Earth, finally splashing down, depending on wind direction, in either the Pacific Ocean or Long Island Sound.
The Artemis II mission is a very big deal for NASA, and for the USA in general, because we have not been to the Moon since the disco era. You older readers remember: Back then we were always going to the Moon. It seemed like every time you turned on the TV, you’d see Apollo astronauts with fighter-pilot-y names such as “Pete” bounding around on the lunar surface like giant spacesuit-wearing rabbits, demonstrating that the Moon, like Florida, has very little gravity, as well as no state income tax.
The bounding Petes were entertaining, but those Apollo missions also served a vital scientific purpose. The astronauts brought back samples of the lunar surface for laboratory analysis, which proved conclusively that the Moon — as scientists had long suspected — is covered with rocks. This finding correlates closely with data later sent back by NASA probes to Mercury, Venus and Mars, all of which, as it turns out, are basically large spherical piles of rocks. In fact scientists now believe that the solar system is pretty much entirely made up of rocks. And that is why America must get there before China does.
Artemis II is the first step toward achieving that goal, as it speeds toward the Moon carrying a widely diverse crew consisting of three Americans and one Canadian, plus a state-of-the-art space commode. Here’s a video in which the Canadian crew member, Jeremy Hansen, accompanied by a cheerfully jazzy soundtrack, shows off the Artemis II toilet, which Jeremy is pretty excited about because it incorporates a sophisticated technological advance in the form of: a door.
This represents a major upgrade in Moon-travel accommodations from the days of the Apollo spacecraft, which did not have toilet doors. They didn’t even have toilets. What they had was plastic bags. And if you, like so many of us, have ever tried to poop into a plastic bag in zero gravity, you know things can get messy. An example of this is the legendary but absolutely true incident that occurred on May 23, 1969, during Day 6 of the Apollo 10 mission, as discussed on live microphones by Commander Tom Stafford, Command Module Pilot John Young, and Lunar Module Pilot Gene Cernan. Here’s the official NASA transcript of their conversation, which you will think I am making up, but I swear I’m not:
Stafford: Oh — who did it?
Young: Who did what?
Cernan: What?
Stafford: Who did it? (Laughter)
Cernan: Where did that come from?
Stafford: Give me a napkin quick. There’s a turd floating through the air.
Young: I didn’t do it. It ain’t one of mine.
Cernan: I don’t think it’s one of mine.
Stafford: Mine was a little more sticky than that. Throw that away.
Young: God Almighty!
(A few minutes later:)
Cernan: Here’s another goddamn turd. What’s the matter with you guys? Here, give me a—
Stafford/Young: (Laughter)
Stafford: It was just floating around?
Cernan: Yes.
Stafford: Mine was stickier than that.
Yes! That actually happened. I, for one, cannot believe it never got made into a major motion picture starring Tom Hanks.
But enough of this juvenile bathroom humor. You should be ashamed of yourself for even reading it. Because at this very moment, those four brave Artemis II crew members are whizzing (Har!) through the cosmos in their tiny craft on a bold and courageous voyage of exploration unlike anything that most earthbound civilians can even imagine, although I did once take a solo ride in a Waymo in Miami traffic, so I have a pretty good idea.
The Artemis II crew members will not land on the Moon, but they will pave the way for future Artemis missions that will. And if all goes according to plan, in time these missions will lead to the establishment of permanent human habitations on the Moon, requiring the development of highly specialized technology capable of withstanding the extreme conditions on the lunar surface.
Of course that lies far in the future, which by definition has not yet occurred. Right now we’re in the present, and we’re rooting for the Artemis II crew to complete their mission, and to return home safely. And to remember to leave the lid down.
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This is a work of fiction, because there is no such thing as "a brief layover in Atlanta".
Actually, the solar system is not made mostly of rocks. It's made mostly of gas. Which gives added urgency to solving the commode problem.
Another problem is knowing whether one should write "made mostly" or "mostly made." And if that turns out to be a useful idea for a column by Mr. Language Person, I would expect more tupperware (which, not incidently, also has a gas issue, making it necessary to "burp" the container - although I guess it could be worse.)