Given all the hoo-ha around protein this year, I would think the meat shower reenactment is going to be a giant hit. People with their mouths open to the sky to grab some grams. Sponsored by Buc-eees?
Another amazing column Dave. Rivals the exploding whale.
I think I speak for all of humanity when I say that if there was some way to combine the meat drop with the exploding whale—say, for example, if a whale was to be lifted to a height of 5,000 feet, then detonated so that chunks of whale meat fell gracefully upon the populous below—it would be disgusting.
For the past 60 years, sometime during Halloween week in Chagrin Falls, OH, high school seniors in the dark of night smash hundreds of pumpkins on North Main Street hill and, when the road gets slippery enough, they hop on the rinds or kayaks, toboggans, inner tubes. and ride, surf, belly flop or luge down to the bottom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzsj0vQF08o
Wait! rfkjr wants in, for the win. Speaking of beef and jerky, I opined that it was the name of the SecWar, but hey, the HHSec was befuddled, cuz he thought this would be the culmination of his MAHA HAHA with Kid Rock! Badabing!
How 'bout it raining common decency and kindness for our big birthday bash? Seems to be a drought of those. Scattered with some Groucho glasses to lighten things up.
OMG, wouldn’t it have been wonderful if all the Dems who showed up for the State of the Union wore Groucho glasses. Trump would have exploded. Would Rancid Meat Over Congress be a good name for a rock band?
Madame B., I found your comment strangely moving, probably because it has been SO long since I've been invited to receive anything! I'm only asked to give and give and give some more. ("It's only 63 cents a day, you lousy tightwad!")
Louise, darling. LOUISE. Madame sees you. You have been giving and giving until you are essentially a vending machine with feelings, and the Universe has finally shown up—not with roses, not with a whispered revelation, but with nearly two thousand pieces of beef jerky moving at a brisk clip. And you know what? You RECEIVE it. Every last individually wrapped piece. You have EARNED this airdrop, sweetheart. Open your arms. Open your heart. Open your mouth if necessary. The Universe is not always elegant but today it is GENEROUS and that is enough. 🍷🥩
Beloved, Madame is deeply flattered and only slightly concerned that Mr. Eliot would show up here, of all places. Though when you think about it—the man wrote about hollow men, a wasteland, and the world ending not with a bang but a whimper. He would have COMPLETELY understood 1,876 pieces of beef jerky falling from the sky. This is practically The Four Quartets. 🍷📜
Dave, I have it on reliable authority (let’s call her Chat E. Kathy) that being hit by pieces of wrapped jerky falling from say 6,000 feet is unlikely to cause serious injury due to the low mass and relatively soft, malleable nature of the object, even if it is dried and hardened. (Whew!) While the terminal velocity is fast enough for a small object to sting, it lacks the kinetic energy required to break skin or cause bone damage. A hard piece of jerky striking at this speed might create a minor bruise or a temporary sore spot, similar to being hit by a soft baseball or a hard piece of candy. So, while the KY Association of Personal Injury Lawyers will again have a large booth at the event in case some wisenheimer decides to add to the festivities by hurling either soft baseballs or hard candy, it's unlikely the "Jerkies," as they are fondly called, will do much more than again demonstrate the many ways to slip and fall and how to write checks. They will also advise attendees (for a small fee) on KY law such as the Mandatory Annual Shower statute which states that residents must shower at least once per year and the Owensboro Hat Law, a regulation in Owensboro requiring women to get their husbands' permission to purchase a new hat --- certainly a consideration for those planning to attend the Meat Shower after getting their hair done for the event. There is also word that yet again the repealed Bikini Protection statute is being introduced into the legislature.This required women between 90 and 199 pounds to be accompanied by police while wearing a bikini on a highway. Apparently those over 199 pounds were on their own.
Dale, I read your entire comment. … You have a way with detail. Bravo! And about that weight limit…will get weighed at the station or next to the squad car? I need details. LOL..great fun.
I do try to raise the intellectual level here as much as is humanly possible but yes, you are welcome to substitute thowd or chunk speed for kinetic energy. Not quite the same, but close enough for Dave Barry's Substack —- the name of which continues to baffle me in its unexpected ordinariness. Surely, the "I'm Dave Barry And You're Not Newsletter" or the royal "We Are Amused" would set the tone better, especially for those unaware that the author is practically a natural treasure. I mean Dave's ability to pass a yuk certainly compares, if not exceeds, 41 saves by an Olympic goalie when it comes to receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Let's work on that shall we?
Why on earth would you do that? I come here to temporarily LOWER my intellectual level. Also, what do you mean "practically"? Dave is my favorite national treasure.
Turkeys can fly, but they don't like to and do so as little as possible. When my spouse and I lived on the banks of the Thornapple River in west Michigan, turkeys would often wander into our back yard. When frightened, they would waddle to the river's edge, hesitate as long as possible, then glide in a most ungainly fashion over the river to the opposite bank, just skimming the water. They are definitely not aerodynamically designed.
Well, the bank on our side of the river is about 12 feet above the water level and it's much lower on the far side so the turkeys were assisted by gravity, giblets notwithstanding.
I am proud - PROUD - to live in a state adjacent to Kentucky where I could without too much trouble attend this festival [I will not be attending as I have to go to Bloomington to pick up my new car which is NOT the new car I chose but a replacement due to the fact that the innocent car was destroyed in last Friday’s tornado in the car dealer parking lot when pieces of a Menard’s warehouse FELL FROM THE SKY onto several cars innocently setting in the dealer lot]. Meanwhile, the concept of things falling from the sky has been a conversation the last several weeks here in Terre Haute. 10s of thousands of crows arrive here in October/November to roost for the winter [they start returning to their regular area in late February/early March]. I have always thought that we should have a CROW FESTIVAL when they arrive and one when they leave. So far the closest we’ve come is THE CROW SHOW, an art exhibit currently happening sponsored by the Wabash Valley Audubon Society and housed at the Arts Illiana Gallery https://www.artsilliana.com/crow-show-2026, and usually accompanied by at least one evening presentation. This year the actual crows have been massively hit by avian flu to the effect of literally falling out of trees and the sky DEAD, in at least one documented instance, narrowly missing a pedestrian. Crows, like most birds, are very light. I had to dispose of one corpse that died on my lawn and I can attest to that. So, crows dropping while not pleasant or in quantities, would ‘probably’ not kill you. Some parts of town have been more affected by quantities of dead/dying crows than others. I hope you can read this story in our local paper, which features a truckload of dead crows photo https://www.tribstar.com/met-020526-crows-kearns-pile/image_3d6b590d-e594-4b58-80d3-1a977fba0baf.html - so all hail the festival of dead/mystery meat falling from the sky!
Favorite excerpt from the accompanying article at the TribStar site: "'I think it’s most likely avian influenza,' Fleace said. 'I wanted to do a follow-up to see if it is still avian influenza.'" I enjoyed imagining the reporter frantically scribbling in a notepad to be sure they got the words exactly right.
Imagine that call: “I was told it would fall at 8 to 12 miles per hour, but apparently one of those beef jerky pieces didn’t get the memo, because it went straight through my roof and into the love seat right next to me! That’s when I called you, Impersonal Insurance Company…. No, I don’t have it still. The dog ate it…”
That reminds me that I need to purchase more meat for my finicky dog. He (Mr. Puppers), currently gets duck jerky, as a reward/treat, but not as a main meal.
This charming pooch is 1/2 wolf and 1/2 Pitt and at around 100 lbs., he has the nerve to be finicky. If I knew that he would eat it (maybe lamb jerky made into a slim-jim), I would pack him up and drive there tonight.
As we salute the delightful weirdness of the Meat Shower, I salute the esteemed Mr. Barry, whose function it is to bring things like this to our attention. And to sell books. Long may he wave.
How did he figure out the terminal velocity of the jerky pieces? With a cowculator.
I'll see myself out.
And if he miscalculated?
Udder destruction.
Bravo! That was legend-dairy
> With a cowculator
Which he bought from a cattle-log.
Yes, yes, I know where the door is.
Ba-dump. Good one.
:-D
Incredi-bull
I'd love to respond at length, but my car is on the fritz (the-ahem--horn doesn't work) so I have to hoof it to work. And that's no bull.
Groan
I have no beef with your wonderful pun! Well done!
Given all the hoo-ha around protein this year, I would think the meat shower reenactment is going to be a giant hit. People with their mouths open to the sky to grab some grams. Sponsored by Buc-eees?
Another amazing column Dave. Rivals the exploding whale.
I think I speak for all of humanity when I say that if there was some way to combine the meat drop with the exploding whale—say, for example, if a whale was to be lifted to a height of 5,000 feet, then detonated so that chunks of whale meat fell gracefully upon the populous below—it would be disgusting.
You just channeled Dave perfectly.
I can think of no greater compliment — thank you.
And. . . the exploding whale would frighten the vulture so, double the fun and the protein!
You are brilliant! Smashing idea! Speaking of smashing…How about pumpkins? OH…maybe…Marshmallows?
For the past 60 years, sometime during Halloween week in Chagrin Falls, OH, high school seniors in the dark of night smash hundreds of pumpkins on North Main Street hill and, when the road gets slippery enough, they hop on the rinds or kayaks, toboggans, inner tubes. and ride, surf, belly flop or luge down to the bottom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzsj0vQF08o
Kinda makes you wonder how the town got that name, huh?
Just. No. No. No.
No.
Giant hit. I saw that.
Exploding whales are ominously ignored in explaining raining meat. Maybe Transylvanian University isn't so scientific after all?
the exploding whale has no rivals
You might be right
That would be a great passphrase or whatever spies do to identify one another.
Wait! rfkjr wants in, for the win. Speaking of beef and jerky, I opined that it was the name of the SecWar, but hey, the HHSec was befuddled, cuz he thought this would be the culmination of his MAHA HAHA with Kid Rock! Badabing!
How 'bout it raining common decency and kindness for our big birthday bash? Seems to be a drought of those. Scattered with some Groucho glasses to lighten things up.
A fine idea.
I do love the ability of 'Groucho glasses' to lighten things up! I have used them once before, to try to 'lighten things up'.
OMG, wouldn’t it have been wonderful if all the Dems who showed up for the State of the Union wore Groucho glasses. Trump would have exploded. Would Rancid Meat Over Congress be a good name for a rock band?
And sticking googly eyes on everything.
I have a beef with this celebration and I think that it's a big mi-steak on the part of Kentucky to mark the occasion in this way.
("ducks and runs for the exit")
The puns this morning are a bit stringy and overcooked.
That's a harsh analysis. Can't you meat me halfway?
You're just being jerky.
Stop milking this subject for more puns!
When the Universe delivers, it does not always arrive in aesthetically pleasing packaging.
Sometimes it is a whisper.
Sometimes it is a nudge.
And sometimes it is 1,876 individually wrapped pieces of beef jerky descending at 8–12 mph.
You are invited to receive.
Madame B., I found your comment strangely moving, probably because it has been SO long since I've been invited to receive anything! I'm only asked to give and give and give some more. ("It's only 63 cents a day, you lousy tightwad!")
Louise, darling. LOUISE. Madame sees you. You have been giving and giving until you are essentially a vending machine with feelings, and the Universe has finally shown up—not with roses, not with a whispered revelation, but with nearly two thousand pieces of beef jerky moving at a brisk clip. And you know what? You RECEIVE it. Every last individually wrapped piece. You have EARNED this airdrop, sweetheart. Open your arms. Open your heart. Open your mouth if necessary. The Universe is not always elegant but today it is GENEROUS and that is enough. 🍷🥩
The soul of T.S. Eliot stops by to comment on a Dave Barry post!
Beloved, Madame is deeply flattered and only slightly concerned that Mr. Eliot would show up here, of all places. Though when you think about it—the man wrote about hollow men, a wasteland, and the world ending not with a bang but a whimper. He would have COMPLETELY understood 1,876 pieces of beef jerky falling from the sky. This is practically The Four Quartets. 🍷📜
Sorta like three quartets and a fourth?
Do I dare to eat a peach?
(laughing) Wrapped around a Slim Jim!
I, Tireisias, old man with wrinkled dugs have the forsuffered all
Waiting for the meat to fall
Ye gods, the literacy rate of folks reading Dave's Substack...!
My literary aspiration only goes as far as Douglas Adams and the rain of whale from the Infinity Drive. Don't panic and always carry your towel.
We do it so that the deeds of great men not be forgotten
I have heard the mermaids singing each to each. I do not think that they will sing for me.
I'm glad you clarified that Moosnick was a professor BEFORE he died. It is Transylvania U, after all!
If Reese’s Peanut Butter cups ever rain from the sky, let me know!
MerryCatholic.Substack.com
If Reese's Peanut Butter cups ever rain from the sky I'm going to take that as proof that God exists. 😉
I know some people who make that same argument, except with beer!
Dave, I have it on reliable authority (let’s call her Chat E. Kathy) that being hit by pieces of wrapped jerky falling from say 6,000 feet is unlikely to cause serious injury due to the low mass and relatively soft, malleable nature of the object, even if it is dried and hardened. (Whew!) While the terminal velocity is fast enough for a small object to sting, it lacks the kinetic energy required to break skin or cause bone damage. A hard piece of jerky striking at this speed might create a minor bruise or a temporary sore spot, similar to being hit by a soft baseball or a hard piece of candy. So, while the KY Association of Personal Injury Lawyers will again have a large booth at the event in case some wisenheimer decides to add to the festivities by hurling either soft baseballs or hard candy, it's unlikely the "Jerkies," as they are fondly called, will do much more than again demonstrate the many ways to slip and fall and how to write checks. They will also advise attendees (for a small fee) on KY law such as the Mandatory Annual Shower statute which states that residents must shower at least once per year and the Owensboro Hat Law, a regulation in Owensboro requiring women to get their husbands' permission to purchase a new hat --- certainly a consideration for those planning to attend the Meat Shower after getting their hair done for the event. There is also word that yet again the repealed Bikini Protection statute is being introduced into the legislature.This required women between 90 and 199 pounds to be accompanied by police while wearing a bikini on a highway. Apparently those over 199 pounds were on their own.
Mythbusters: Plausible
Wow, the research for this comment is mind-boggling...or do you just know this stuff? I clearly have to up my research before I type annother word.
Dale, I read your entire comment. … You have a way with detail. Bravo! And about that weight limit…will get weighed at the station or next to the squad car? I need details. LOL..great fun.
I'm pretty sure the term "kinetic energy" is not allowed in this particular comment section. Don't be goin' all sciency on us, pal.
I do try to raise the intellectual level here as much as is humanly possible but yes, you are welcome to substitute thowd or chunk speed for kinetic energy. Not quite the same, but close enough for Dave Barry's Substack —- the name of which continues to baffle me in its unexpected ordinariness. Surely, the "I'm Dave Barry And You're Not Newsletter" or the royal "We Are Amused" would set the tone better, especially for those unaware that the author is practically a natural treasure. I mean Dave's ability to pass a yuk certainly compares, if not exceeds, 41 saves by an Olympic goalie when it comes to receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Let's work on that shall we?
Why on earth would you do that? I come here to temporarily LOWER my intellectual level. Also, what do you mean "practically"? Dave is my favorite national treasure.
Nerd alert! And also, thank you for the thorough analysis :-)
Dude, you are the best!
How is it that my husband knows as soon as I break out in raucous laughter from the other room that I’m reading Dave Barry??
“…That’s only a problem if lethality is a problem…”
Words to literally live by.
Turkeys can fly, but they don't like to and do so as little as possible. When my spouse and I lived on the banks of the Thornapple River in west Michigan, turkeys would often wander into our back yard. When frightened, they would waddle to the river's edge, hesitate as long as possible, then glide in a most ungainly fashion over the river to the opposite bank, just skimming the water. They are definitely not aerodynamically designed.
I'm impressed that they could get that far, what with the giblets.
Well, the bank on our side of the river is about 12 feet above the water level and it's much lower on the far side so the turkeys were assisted by gravity, giblets notwithstanding.
Isn't "giblets" a weird word? Are there such things as BIG giblets, a.k.a. "gibs"? (I mean, aside from the BeeGees.)
Would Giblets Notwithstanding be a good name for a rock band? Or is that a bit of a stretch?
I always learn something when I read Dave’s column. It’s isn’t always something I WANT to know, but still……
I do think this event will be more festive in many ways (or at least less fraught) than our 250th.
Hear hear!!!
I am proud - PROUD - to live in a state adjacent to Kentucky where I could without too much trouble attend this festival [I will not be attending as I have to go to Bloomington to pick up my new car which is NOT the new car I chose but a replacement due to the fact that the innocent car was destroyed in last Friday’s tornado in the car dealer parking lot when pieces of a Menard’s warehouse FELL FROM THE SKY onto several cars innocently setting in the dealer lot]. Meanwhile, the concept of things falling from the sky has been a conversation the last several weeks here in Terre Haute. 10s of thousands of crows arrive here in October/November to roost for the winter [they start returning to their regular area in late February/early March]. I have always thought that we should have a CROW FESTIVAL when they arrive and one when they leave. So far the closest we’ve come is THE CROW SHOW, an art exhibit currently happening sponsored by the Wabash Valley Audubon Society and housed at the Arts Illiana Gallery https://www.artsilliana.com/crow-show-2026, and usually accompanied by at least one evening presentation. This year the actual crows have been massively hit by avian flu to the effect of literally falling out of trees and the sky DEAD, in at least one documented instance, narrowly missing a pedestrian. Crows, like most birds, are very light. I had to dispose of one corpse that died on my lawn and I can attest to that. So, crows dropping while not pleasant or in quantities, would ‘probably’ not kill you. Some parts of town have been more affected by quantities of dead/dying crows than others. I hope you can read this story in our local paper, which features a truckload of dead crows photo https://www.tribstar.com/met-020526-crows-kearns-pile/image_3d6b590d-e594-4b58-80d3-1a977fba0baf.html - so all hail the festival of dead/mystery meat falling from the sky!
Thank you 9seriously) for that 'update'. I learn so much from this Substack.
Favorite excerpt from the accompanying article at the TribStar site: "'I think it’s most likely avian influenza,' Fleace said. 'I wanted to do a follow-up to see if it is still avian influenza.'" I enjoyed imagining the reporter frantically scribbling in a notepad to be sure they got the words exactly right.
Imagine that call: “I was told it would fall at 8 to 12 miles per hour, but apparently one of those beef jerky pieces didn’t get the memo, because it went straight through my roof and into the love seat right next to me! That’s when I called you, Impersonal Insurance Company…. No, I don’t have it still. The dog ate it…”
That reminds me that I need to purchase more meat for my finicky dog. He (Mr. Puppers), currently gets duck jerky, as a reward/treat, but not as a main meal.
(laughing, imaging Mr. Puppers scampering joyfully around a field somewhere in Bath County, his maw wide open to the sky)
This charming pooch is 1/2 wolf and 1/2 Pitt and at around 100 lbs., he has the nerve to be finicky. If I knew that he would eat it (maybe lamb jerky made into a slim-jim), I would pack him up and drive there tonight.
As we salute the delightful weirdness of the Meat Shower, I salute the esteemed Mr. Barry, whose function it is to bring things like this to our attention. And to sell books. Long may he wave.
Meanwhile, in Springfield, Ohio, extremely reliable hearsay tells us that it will be raining cats and dogs.