It’s the main reason I don’t enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. With each passing year someone will do a new “cover” version of TLDB and we have to endure the endless rum-pa-pa-pumming all over again. Thank goodness for handy “mute” buttons.
There's actually one (live) version I find quite thrilling and moving - by King and Country, maybe? - and I'm not remotely superstitious. I do adore percussion, though. Ahhh, you have inspired me to listen to it now.
Now that we’re a week into the season and I’ve hit the Christmas playlists again, I need to amend my comment — not about the song itself, but that there IS a version that I do enjoy immensely. It can be found on a collection (I have the CD) entitled “The Stars Come Out For Christmas Vol. II” which was released in 1990 as a fundraiser for hospitals serving children, and is quite frankly one of the best sets of Christmas songs ever assembled by a wide range of musical talents. TLDB was done by… in his inimitable style…Ray Charles! It’s a gem. https://youtu.be/og97RMCvYMk?si=F7Lx8k_dMbZyzxAF
If you still have a CD or cassette (!) player you might be able to find a copy on eBay. Highly recommend!
Actually, a better choice would have been The Mockingbird Song (or whatever you call it): Hush, little baby, don't say a word; Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ..."
You’d best stay away from mothers named Mary or Maria in Miami because they’re probably packing heat and they know how to deal with annoying drummers waking up their little darlings by pounding on drums.
...and now, I'm thinking, someone will have to invent specialized toilet-mirror wipes (especially if they're "tested and approved by professional plumbers").
I can't believe this brilliant monetizing opportunity didn't come to me during the creative visualizations. You must be one of my spirit guides. Thank you for appearing here.
I grew up hearing the word daft regularly. My mother’s family was 100% Scottish, (and yes, I am sometimes offended). “Er ye DAFT?” was tossed around frequently at family gatherings. I still think it is a most descriptive word and not nearly so insulting as crazy.
It seems the folks who comment on Dave's essays also could be described with the words nincompoop, barmy, and daft. Present company most definitely included!
Being married to a second-generation Norwegian-American, I can attest that Christmas (which in Norwegian means Christmas Eve) cannot happen without Fish Balls. Paired with boiled potatoes and creamed onions and covered with white sauce, they’re an integral part of the Blinding-White Dinner that precedes the Norwegians-Don’t-Have-To-Wait-For-Actual-Christmas-Day present opening.
In my Norwegian German family we didn’t do fish balls, we did lutefisk! Disgusting no matter what you did with the vat of butter you were supposed to put on it
My husband is both Norwegian and German on his dad’s side plus just about 100% Scots-Irish on his mother’s side. This genetic mix results in a mechanically gifted, hard headed, superior fisherman.
True story. I’m about to delve into a Substack about emails between Jeffrey Epstein and Steve Bannon when, the next thing I know, l’m laughing hysterically about the Baby Jesus being eaten by cows and Fish Balls from Norway. Truly unsettling times we’re living in. Thanks for the upgrade, Dave and Happy Holidays.
Yeah. I gave myself a break from regular angst with this, and checking out the 'Elvis Batz the lab' channel: a Swedish woman who pampers her black lab with spa days. Hilarious and heart warming, like our very own Dave.
I always thought frankincense and myrrh were not only the original useless Christmas gifts, but the most useless of gifts ever. Until....I saw the Toilet Mirror. Wow! Its recommended location appears to be a target for young fellas working on their aim. Maybe Mom can clean up all the dribblage afterward with myrrh.
I get a new Sample Collector Hat three times a year from my phlebotomist buddies at Quest Labs, but I don't use them (don't ask). I usually wear it around the house for a day or two, until Mrs News insists I stop. I have considered painting them different colors, so I have one to go with the two or three different outfits I am allowed to wear...
(laughing) Now I'm suddenly seeing one of these Sample Collector Hats topped with one of the giant "Big Red Car Bows" (also approved by Dave)... and placed in the driveway, awaiting the oohs and aahs of the grateful giftee(s). The talk of the neighborhood for sure!
As a retired urologist I would like to order a case of "Fish Balls" to give to all of my previous vasectomy patients. At least the ones who had a successful result.
Since life is not a straight line but a horseshoe, I think the toilet mirror would be an exceptional gift for the 80+ demographic. In other words, Floridians.
I have a conundrum. My granddaughter, Avery, just turned two. A lovely family friend, who could not be at the family celebration to mark the event, left an adorable gift bag with a card wishing Avery happy birthday. Inside the bag was a pair of pink pajamas. Women's size medium.
When I was growing up (still a work in progress), my grandparents had “rich” friends — meaning they had indoor plumbing and the Mister was president of the bank. They’d always bring gifts for us kids. One year, I got a pair of the Mrs.’s pajamas… with a stain in the crotch.
I can see how this might happen in 100% of the gift-giving households with which I'm familiar. Or maybe that should be "household," singular?
Anyhow, in your situation I think the pajamas would make a perfect boomerang gift: rewrap them in a different gift bag and return them -- with a Christmas (or other holiday) card -- to your family friend. You didn't say if said friend is indeed a woman, but they will immediately FREAK OUT when they realize they've wrapped and misaddressed Avery's gift, now under the tree at the parsonage. Men and women of God are very kind people but will probably be perplexed by the giant economy-sized package of Pampers.
Your friend will thank you for saving them the embarrassment as, I like to imagine, you are thanking me now.
The only thing that Mr Barry missed about Fish Balls is that they are amazingly versatile--fish ball and haddock head soup; fish ball stuffing for inflatable or actual turkeys (mix with enough breadcrumbs to disguise the taste); and fish ball ice cream pie to finish. If you wish, wash it all down (or wash the table down) with Fish Ball whiskey from northern Norway (made in the utter dark of winter)..
I’m the Little Drummer Boy and I’m offended.
I have four words for you, Bob, and they start with "Rum." (Followed by"pa pum pum.")
https://youtu.be/HhD9xUUZpM8?si=mewtfo3WQajT4IOP
Not clicking on the assumption that will knock me right out of the Little Drummer Boy Challenge.
lol no, even better. It’s an excerpt of “The Nativity” from “The Goes Wrong Show”. No drummer boys.
That was great! Thank you!
Yes, rum! The Wise Men shoulda brought that ‘cause Mary needed a shot. Especially after the cows ate baby Jesus.
Worst. Christmas song. EVER.
It’s the main reason I don’t enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. With each passing year someone will do a new “cover” version of TLDB and we have to endure the endless rum-pa-pa-pumming all over again. Thank goodness for handy “mute” buttons.
There's actually one (live) version I find quite thrilling and moving - by King and Country, maybe? - and I'm not remotely superstitious. I do adore percussion, though. Ahhh, you have inspired me to listen to it now.
Best cover!
Now that we’re a week into the season and I’ve hit the Christmas playlists again, I need to amend my comment — not about the song itself, but that there IS a version that I do enjoy immensely. It can be found on a collection (I have the CD) entitled “The Stars Come Out For Christmas Vol. II” which was released in 1990 as a fundraiser for hospitals serving children, and is quite frankly one of the best sets of Christmas songs ever assembled by a wide range of musical talents. TLDB was done by… in his inimitable style…Ray Charles! It’s a gem. https://youtu.be/og97RMCvYMk?si=F7Lx8k_dMbZyzxAF
If you still have a CD or cassette (!) player you might be able to find a copy on eBay. Highly recommend!
Does this mean I wouldn't be able to sing a long opera aria for the Baby?
Knock yourself out. But in the privacy of your own home.
I used to sing opera on the stage!
I used to do that, too, but then the police dragged me off, and the performance of “The Iceman Cometh” resumed as if I had never interrupted it.
I wish I could have been there. I'll bet you were spectacular.
I applaud you!
Actually, a better choice would have been The Mockingbird Song (or whatever you call it): Hush, little baby, don't say a word; Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ..."
Ladies: “Snap out of it!” (One of the best movie lines ever!)
Which I think you meant Cher in Moonstruck..
Yes, sure did.
You’d best stay away from mothers named Mary or Maria in Miami because they’re probably packing heat and they know how to deal with annoying drummers waking up their little darlings by pounding on drums.
Is that euphemistic for something?
The moment those Wise Men handed over tree resin, Baby Jesus invented “Gift Face.”
You can practically hear Mary murmuring, “Sweetie, say thank you. No, don’t eat it. No, seriously, do not eat the resin.”
Ahahahhahahahahaha!!!! 🤣🤣🤣
Just curious if the toilet mirror has one of those disclaimers: Warning: objects in the mirror may appear larger or closer?
I’m immediately concerned about the prospect of larger AND closer.
Thanks for the inspiration. I'm inventing a magnifying mirror for the toilet with that very disclaimer. When I'm rich, I'll have you to thank.
The toilet mirror reimagined!
...and now, I'm thinking, someone will have to invent specialized toilet-mirror wipes (especially if they're "tested and approved by professional plumbers").
Good one Linda!
"You can't wipe what you can't see!" is going on my 2026 motivational vision board and I will not be taking questions.
I hope your 2026 motivational vision board is mounted on the wall opposite the toilet.
But OF COURSE! Light reading and creative visualization while on the throne. Multi-tasking at its best!
(laughing) You could probably charge admission.
I can't believe this brilliant monetizing opportunity didn't come to me during the creative visualizations. You must be one of my spirit guides. Thank you for appearing here.
Restraining order duly filed!
https://madamebullwinkle.substack.com/p/the-black-friday-sermon
Superbly funny.
It is now Christmastide, and - heavens to Betsy -
I’ve been spending inordinate time scrolling Etsy.
I found numerous gifts, many shipping for free.
But I found even more stuff I ordered for me.
It’s a practice I justify to make amends
For the decades of gifts from my family and friends.
It seems clear that there is an inviolate rule
For my loved ones, conspiring every Yule.
They compete with alacrity
That I find scary
To present me presents I do not find Merry.
Some are clearly regifted,
Sad gift-giving orphans,
And they generate questions instead of endorphins.
Why the beard wax, when I boast a clean-shaven face?
Or the jumbo container of sprayable Mace?
Is that really a fruitcake with tree nuts galore
So I’d anaphylactically crash to the floor?
I’ve a wardrobe of T-shirts for teams I disdain.
Many weird flavored coffees - I only drink plain.
Here’s a baseball cap, several sizes too small.
And a lewd arty print I can’t hang on the wall.
All these holiday presents, the strange and the barmy,
Will soon festoon Goodwill or the Salvation Army.
I’ve implored my sweet bride:
“Do not dawdle or tarry;
Get me one of the books by
The brilliant Dave Barry!”
“They have many advantages:
They’re the right size;
They appeal to most women,
And even more guys.”
I believe that she heard me, and under the tree,
There’s a nicely-wrapped package
Expressly for me.
I’ll enjoy Christmas morning with Dave Barry chuckles
No more red, angry face,
No more angry white knuckles!
The word of the day is "barmy." Work it into your conversations today!
Wait, I have to talk to people today??? WTF?? Are you barmy? There. Done.
...when she called him barmy he wandered off into the forest and they never saw him again...
"anaphylactically crash to the floor": aces! 👍
Awesome use of the word "barmy"
It’s part of my casual poetic craft
To use old words like nincompoop, barmy, and daft.
I grew up hearing the word daft regularly. My mother’s family was 100% Scottish, (and yes, I am sometimes offended). “Er ye DAFT?” was tossed around frequently at family gatherings. I still think it is a most descriptive word and not nearly so insulting as crazy.
Vicky,
An affectionate term in my Dad’s English-Welsh-Scots family was “ye daft scunner”.
Daft is kind, like.
It seems the folks who comment on Dave's essays also could be described with the words nincompoop, barmy, and daft. Present company most definitely included!
I am comfortable being a part of the school
That seeks entry to Heaven
As God’s Holy Fool.
Ebo was my mother-in-law’s dog’s name. (Both now deceased.)
Being married to a second-generation Norwegian-American, I can attest that Christmas (which in Norwegian means Christmas Eve) cannot happen without Fish Balls. Paired with boiled potatoes and creamed onions and covered with white sauce, they’re an integral part of the Blinding-White Dinner that precedes the Norwegians-Don’t-Have-To-Wait-For-Actual-Christmas-Day present opening.
I feel nauseous for some reason.
It made me hungry! Am I daft? Am I secretly Norwegian? I have always thought I was secretly Scottish, but this could be a game changer.
No, you’re barmy and probably have some Norwegian in your ancestry.
Those dang Vikings got around
🤮 glad I’m Swedish.
“Blindingly white.” True and hysterical.
In my Norwegian German family we didn’t do fish balls, we did lutefisk! Disgusting no matter what you did with the vat of butter you were supposed to put on it
My husband is both Norwegian and German on his dad’s side plus just about 100% Scots-Irish on his mother’s side. This genetic mix results in a mechanically gifted, hard headed, superior fisherman.
fine, I must go, feeling quite barmy...
You forgot to mention the perfect gift along with your book, a gift subscription to your Substack! Which is what I’m gifting my husband.
Thanks!
True story. I’m about to delve into a Substack about emails between Jeffrey Epstein and Steve Bannon when, the next thing I know, l’m laughing hysterically about the Baby Jesus being eaten by cows and Fish Balls from Norway. Truly unsettling times we’re living in. Thanks for the upgrade, Dave and Happy Holidays.
Yeah. I gave myself a break from regular angst with this, and checking out the 'Elvis Batz the lab' channel: a Swedish woman who pampers her black lab with spa days. Hilarious and heart warming, like our very own Dave.
I always thought frankincense and myrrh were not only the original useless Christmas gifts, but the most useless of gifts ever. Until....I saw the Toilet Mirror. Wow! Its recommended location appears to be a target for young fellas working on their aim. Maybe Mom can clean up all the dribblage afterward with myrrh.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
You have a knack for these ripostes, Linda!
I get a new Sample Collector Hat three times a year from my phlebotomist buddies at Quest Labs, but I don't use them (don't ask). I usually wear it around the house for a day or two, until Mrs News insists I stop. I have considered painting them different colors, so I have one to go with the two or three different outfits I am allowed to wear...
Consider those stick on bows (popular around the Christmas season) for a VERY inexpensive adornment to your “hats”. What could be more festive?!?
(laughing) Now I'm suddenly seeing one of these Sample Collector Hats topped with one of the giant "Big Red Car Bows" (also approved by Dave)... and placed in the driveway, awaiting the oohs and aahs of the grateful giftee(s). The talk of the neighborhood for sure!
Now, stick a mirror into the hat, because you can't collect what you can't see.
(laughing)
OTOH, there's that thing about, y'know, ignorance and bliss.
As a retired urologist I would like to order a case of "Fish Balls" to give to all of my previous vasectomy patients. At least the ones who had a successful result.
I thought you were a martini drinking, Episcopalian, retired, urologist.
Downgraded?
Still retired, Episcopalian, and loving martinis.
Since life is not a straight line but a horseshoe, I think the toilet mirror would be an exceptional gift for the 80+ demographic. In other words, Floridians.
I have a conundrum. My granddaughter, Avery, just turned two. A lovely family friend, who could not be at the family celebration to mark the event, left an adorable gift bag with a card wishing Avery happy birthday. Inside the bag was a pair of pink pajamas. Women's size medium.
What should I say in the thank you card?
Your guest did not specify WHICH birthday. That will be the perfect gift....in 18 years.
When I was growing up (still a work in progress), my grandparents had “rich” friends — meaning they had indoor plumbing and the Mister was president of the bank. They’d always bring gifts for us kids. One year, I got a pair of the Mrs.’s pajamas… with a stain in the crotch.
Don’t worry. Fels-Naptha took it out.
It’s the thought that counts.
Ew. My thoughts consisted of the possibilities. Ew.
Nominees for the Darwin Award, if you as me.
Write "Thank you for the pajamas. I am afraid the present for Avery seems to have been omitted."
I can see how this might happen in 100% of the gift-giving households with which I'm familiar. Or maybe that should be "household," singular?
Anyhow, in your situation I think the pajamas would make a perfect boomerang gift: rewrap them in a different gift bag and return them -- with a Christmas (or other holiday) card -- to your family friend. You didn't say if said friend is indeed a woman, but they will immediately FREAK OUT when they realize they've wrapped and misaddressed Avery's gift, now under the tree at the parsonage. Men and women of God are very kind people but will probably be perplexed by the giant economy-sized package of Pampers.
Your friend will thank you for saving them the embarrassment as, I like to imagine, you are thanking me now.
If you’re trying for more children, I’d skip the conundrums.
Tough competition for the best Laugh Out Loud line of the column. I am torn between"
"Notice I say YOUR toilet lid. I’m not going to mount this mirror on any of the toilets in my house, because I wish to remain married."
and
"If you have a youngster on your holiday list who enjoys electronics, this gift would be a huge disappointment."
I am leaning towards the second one...
Excellent choices! But really, he was obviously running on the adrenaline of 100% holiday generosity when he wrote this, so maybe, like, no surprise?
I’m gifting the fish balls to Pete Hegseth. He drinks like a fish and he could clearly use a pair when he addresses soldiers.
Ba-dum tiss! 🥁
The only thing that Mr Barry missed about Fish Balls is that they are amazingly versatile--fish ball and haddock head soup; fish ball stuffing for inflatable or actual turkeys (mix with enough breadcrumbs to disguise the taste); and fish ball ice cream pie to finish. If you wish, wash it all down (or wash the table down) with Fish Ball whiskey from northern Norway (made in the utter dark of winter)..
The words "Liked by Dave Barry" have made my holidays forever.
Mine too!
OMG, I am reading this while eating breakfast! Have mercy M!!!!
I've always wanted to go to Norway until I read this.
I wish we had some "fish ball ice cream pie" after Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. Or maybe not.
My wife told me that, if I added the fishball and banana pizza, noone would take me seriously, but wotthehell archie wotthehell.