The Dave Barry 2025 Holiday Gift Guide

This year, give the gift of: Huh?

Today we officially enter the holiday season, a very special time of year when we pause amid the frantic hustle and bustle of the “daily grind” to incur large amounts of consumer debt because we have to buy gifts for our loved ones to reciprocate for the gifts that they have to buy for us to reciprocate for the gifts that we are buying for them.

This is a tradition that dates back more than 2,000 years, to the time when the Three Wise Men traveled to an inn in Bethlehem to see the baby Jesus, who was staying with Mary and Joseph in the stable because Housekeeping was still working on their room. The New Testament tells us that Mary placed Jesus in a “manger,” which I always thought was just another word for “stable,” but I recently looked it up and it’s actually a feeding trough for livestock, which means — the New Testament does not state this explicitly, but it’s clearly implied — that the baby Jesus could have been accidentally eaten by a cow. So it had to have been an anxious time for Mary, a new mom exhausted from childbirth, having to fend off livestock, not to mention the annoying little boy who, according to the popular 347-minute Christmas song, showed up wanting to serenade her newborn infant by pounding on a drum.

Thus we can assume that the mood in the stable was already pretty tense when the three Wise Men showed up. The New Testament tells us that they brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Gold makes sense as a gift, but we have to wonder about frankincense and myrrh, which according to Google are kinds of tree resin, a “thick, sticky, semi-liquid substance” excreted by conifers. No doubt the thought was sincere, but this does not seem like a super-appropriate gift for a newborn infant. The last thing you want, as a parent, is for your baby to get his hands on a blob of tree goo.

The New Testament does not say how Mary reacted to these gifts, but if I know anything about women, by which I mean my wife, Mary was mortified that she didn’t have any gifts to exchange with the Wise Men, so she pulled Joseph aside and ordered him to go out immediately, find a conifer and bring back some gift resin. She probably also wrapped the gold in different paper and regifted it to the Wise Men. And thus the holiday tradition of exchanging gifts was born.

Thousands of years later, we’re still dealing with the stress of holiday gift-giving — the constant nagging worry that we won’t have enough gifts to retaliate against everybody who will be giving gifts to us. Wouldn’t it be great if you could drop out of this insane holiday competition? Well you can! The trick is to stop trying to give your loved ones thoughtful and appropriate gifts. Instead, you want to give them gifts that are so stupid or inappropriate that they will never want to exchange gifts with you again, and in fact may enter the Federal Witness Protection Program to avoid running that risk.

Where can you find gifts that bad? Right here, that’s where, in my annual Holiday Gift Guide. This is a carefully curated selection of real products that you can actually buy; in fact these products are all 100 percent tax-deductible if you write about them for business purposes in your professional humor Substack. So grab your credit card and prepare to be underwhelmed, because here comes this year’s lineup of gift candidates, starting with:

THE ORIGINAL TOILET MIRROR

(Suggested by John Lobert; I ordered mine here.)

Don’t be fooled by copycat toilet mirrors: This is the original toilet mirror, which is a mirror that comes with some adhesive strips so you can mount it on your toilet lid.

Notice I say YOUR toilet lid. I’m not going to mount this mirror on any of the toilets in my house, because I wish to remain married. But here’s a manufacturer’s photo showing what it looks like installed.

The Original Toilet Mirror is mainly intended to assist with potty training; the manufacturer states that it helps by “giving kids real-time visual guidance during wiping.” As the package states: “You can’t wipe what you can’t see!” So if you’re looking for a gift that not only will give any commode a glitzy “disco” flair, but also sends the holiday message, “You need real-time visual guidance during wiping,” this is definitely that.

SOLAR-POWERED WAVING QUEEN ELIZABETH II FIGURINE

(I ordered mine here.)

This is an amazingly realistic figurine, replicating perfectly what Queen Elizabeth II would look like if she were seven inches tall and still alive.

But here’s the best part: The top of the Queen’s handbag is actually a little solar panel, so when you place her in the sunlight, she waves her right hand at you in a classy royal manner as you hum her theme song:

Solar Queen Elizabeth II will continue waving and smiling regally at you all day long. She’s a trooper. If you have a youngster on your holiday list who enjoys electronics, this gift would be a huge disappointment.

FISH BALLS

(I ordered mine here.)

These are balls of fish in a can. At least that’s what the label says. I am not about to open the can and find out. The point of this gift is not to eat it. The point is that the name of the product is, quote, “FISH BALLS.”

You can enjoy your fish balls all by themselves, although they pair beautifully with the inflatable turkey from last week’s Substack.

You know these are quality fish balls, because they come from Norway, which is often called — and with good reason — “The Home of Norwegian Cuisine.”

WORLD’S MANLIEST MUG

(Suggested by Ralph Kirshner; I ordered mine here, but be advised that the shipping takes a while and costs like 17 million dollars.)

This is a mug made out of stainless steel. A lot of stainless steel. It is basically a massive hunk of metal.

The one I got weighs 6 kilograms, which is 13.1 pounds according to our bathroom scale. They also sell a 22-pounder, which, if you dropped it, would turn all of your foot bones into gravel. The website says the mug is a “Dual Hydration & Fitness Tool,” but I am skeptical of that claim, because (a) what with all the steel, it only has room for a few ounces of liquid, and (b) if you brought it to your mouth you would probably knock out the majority of your teeth. On the other hand, this thing would make an excellent murder weapon, if that sounds like anybody on your holiday list.

SPECIMEN COLLECTOR FASHION HAT

(I ordered a four-pack here.)

This is a an extremely versatile gift. (I am using “versatile” in the sense of “disgusting.”) In one configuration, this is a container used by the medical profession to collect samples.

But when you flip it over, it is instantly transformed into a fun and fashionable hat.

In addition to being attractive, this hat is, as you would imagine, waterproof. The only drawback is that it comes in only one size, Too Small For Most Humans. So you have to sort of perch it on your head. Nevertheless it can be part of a suave fashion ensemble, as demonstrated here by a professional male model.

The professional model is also sporting the Exploding Whales Long-Sleeve T-Shirt, featuring the logo sometimes worn by the Eugene Emeralds minor-league baseball team, which sometimes calls itself the Exploding Whales in honor of the legendarily unsuccessful 1970 whale detonation in Florence, Oregon. You can purchase the shirt here.

BIG RED CAR BOW

(I ordered mine here.)

Every holiday season, we are subjected to sappy TV commercials in which some unsuspecting family member is led outside, and there, in the driveway, with a big red bow on top, is a surprise gift: A new car!

Would you like to give somebody a gift like that? I don’t mean a car. That’s insane. I mean a big red bow. Just imagine the expression of surprise you’ll see on the face of your loved one when you lead him or her out to the driveway, and he or she sees this:

This, truly, is what the holiday season is all about.

But it’s also about shameless commercialism, which is why my last Gift Guide suggestion is:

MY BOOK THAT I WROTE, WHICH IS FOR SALE

Do you have somebody on your holiday gift list who enjoys reading intellectually sophisticated, thought-provoking literature? This is not the gift for that person. This is for the person who would be amused by a can labeled FISH BALLS.

If you know anybody like that, and you’d like to give that person a signed and even (if you want) personalized copy of my book, then click on this link to place your order with my local independent bookstore, Books & Books. When the orders are in, I’ll go to the store and sign your book. Please order by December 4 so they can ship the book to you in time.

This concludes my 2025 Holiday Gift Guide. I hereby apologize for it, and wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a Joyous Kwanzaa, or a Wonderful Whatever You Celebrate. And if it happens to be Christmas, don’t forget to leave a treat near the tree for Santa.

Now let’s hear from you paying subscribers, who are literally the gift that keeps on giving.