The rest of us are out here carving turkeys like medieval surgeons with dull instruments while you've got Howard Bolner on permanent retainer. This is the kind of privilege the Pilgrims came to America to escape.
Oh finally someone who can reveal the strife of the existence of FITTED SHEETS! And coincidentally I use the chainsaw TO FOLD FITTED SHEETS. (how did you know?😳)
Actually I am going to reveal a secret I could possibly be executed for, but we decided we didn't need yet another 4 ton bed necessary for sleep at our work annex 150 mi from our home to work in what the natives call “THE BIG CITY” for a year. (Turns out a 300mi commute each day is a little tricky without a coffee IV.) AIR MATTRESS…Inflatable, $50, hilarious and impossible to put a fitted sheet on. So DON’T.
Cheap unless you fall asleep with your metal clip clad work badge attached to your pants and your car keys in your hand. This means buying ANOTHER AIR MATTRESS (or many more in a year long time frame) to replace the one you woke up in shredded and draped over your face like the fallen Barney float.
Oh, it also makes fart sounds when you roll over (the hilarious part) and then the BLAME GAME starts, when someone ends up sleeping on the sofa.
I pay for this substack to support Dave Barry, the only journalist fearless enough to tell the truth about green bean casserole AND raisins in a single post.
Turkey is awesome though. The key is to slather it in 2000 pounds of butter and rosemary, and not let your parents anywhere near it, because they will insist on opening the oven so that they can perform turkey cooking techniques they learned while traveling on the Oregon Trail, which will do nothing to improve the taste of the turkey and will dry it out.
Thanksgiving is the day we celebrate the people who were so desperate to get away from their family dinners they traveled across the ocean to a new world they didn't know existed by creating dinners that will inspire the same feelings in us hundreds of years later. That is the true holiday spirit.
1. Archie McPhee also makes Inflatable Fruitcake, which i've sent to family.
2. Barney needed to be filled with either
a. candy,
b. hydrogen, or
c. both, for the carmelization. Oh, the humanity! (Too soon?)
3. Haggis is served with a shot of scotch poured over it. Maybe that would help String Bean Casserole. Bacardi 151 and light it on fire. Oh, more humanity!
Now you've got me wondering about the Big New Trend of inflating tires with nitrogen. I wonder if Barney's got a bright green valve stem or just a plain black one?
The Barney video was priceless. Since I had never seen this before today, I was unprepared for the coffee spewage, guffaws, and other barbarian noises that erupted as I watched Barney disintegrate in front of thousands(?) of young children. I hope I’m that tenacious at the end. And die smiling.
My kids loved Barney. My son was a Barney fanatic. I have never despised a children’s icon like I did Barney. As soon as the music started I wanted to hurl myself off the roof of my car.
To see Barney so thoroughly shredded is sublime. Thank you, Dave.
It’s true: revenge really is a dish best served cold.
We don't have a Howard, but we used to have a Paul. Paul can carve a turkey (or a brisket, or whatever else needs to be carved) like no one's business. Alas, Paul now resides on the opposite coast from us and as such, we are now Paul-less and will be forced to carve our turkey ourselves. Nothing good will come of this.
Yes! I am Scottish and believe that raisins belong in oatmeal, bread, fruit squares, muffins and, especially mince pies where they should be soaked for a long period in whiskey before being added, according to my grandmother.
With the holidays approaching, we need all the culinary expertise we can get. A star for you! (Note to self: steal giblets this year when no one's looking; add oats; "cook." See if anyone else eats it first.) P.S. Is "haggis" singular or plural? I've noticed that no one ever talks about just one giblet, and you got me wondering about haggi(s).
I’ve said it already in these comments and I’ll say it again, the Wampanoag Indians live in my backyard in Massachusetts, and there’s no way they would be Commanders fans, they are dyed in the wool New England Patriots fans!
It seems like there is so much anger and trouble in the United States. But at least the country still has Dave Barry writing and New York City putting on parades.
FINE. Due to the seriousness of your comment...ahem...you have been exiled to the kids' table this year where a silent vigil for Barney the Macy's balloon will be held. I hope you're happy with your decision to be all serious up in here for crying out loud!
I was not aware that I was being screened “up in here” for seriousness. And since you somehow gained the right to assign seats, I am more than pleased to be exiled to any table other than the one where you are sitting.
One of my aunts could slice turkey breast thin enough to read a newspaper thru…..she needed to as there were approximately 50-55 folks there for Thanksgiving dinner. My grandmother, who raised eight children, all of them, except my mom, boys, knew a thing or two about cooking large meals. The only raisins used in that meal were included in her fruit cake, which since she had sooooo many other desiccated fruits included, it was hard to find the raisins. But, because Granny also drenched her fruit cakes in her homemade blackberry wine, they had a shelf life of at least a decade so plenty of time seek them out to remove if one were so inclined. You are lucky to have Howard the Carver in your life, treasure him…..and for goodness sake, forsake all fruit cakes!
The upsides to my now 42-year-old divorce: (1) no more compulsory Thanksgivings with the in-laws; (2) no more compulsory FAMILY Thanksgivings, after my mom passed on since she was the torch bearer for this ritual; and (3) setting free myself and my daughters from compulsory ANYTHING but especially Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings. I eat turkey many times during the course of a calendar year, so am not driven to consume more on one particular day. I am also thankful most days for lots of things. I don’t require a specific date to be thankful or commemorate why others were thankful hundreds of years ago. And I do not travel during the holidays because I am a relatively sane person and find myself thinking of mass lemming migrations careening off the nearest cliff when I see pictures of massively jammed airport terminals and highways. Don’t mean to be curmudgeonly, but there you have it.
Although I concur with freedom from forced family gatherings, I do have memories of the 3½-hour drive to my aunt's house on Long Island, only 60 miles away. I didn't say the memories were fond. Her over-heated, and over-crowded, brick house reverberated with our Zaydi's long and eloquently riské stories, with punch lines always frustratingly delivered in Yiddish.
The rest of us are out here carving turkeys like medieval surgeons with dull instruments while you've got Howard Bolner on permanent retainer. This is the kind of privilege the Pilgrims came to America to escape.
Damn straight, Mme Bullwinkle. He ought to be ashamed, yet he flaunts his Bolner like he’s entitled to him. It’s really disappointing.
ROTFL
Right on!
The only way to carve a turkey is with a chainsaw. Otherwise, it's like folding a fitted sheet.
Oh finally someone who can reveal the strife of the existence of FITTED SHEETS! And coincidentally I use the chainsaw TO FOLD FITTED SHEETS. (how did you know?😳)
That sounds like a good strategy -- particularly if you have a lot of little beds.
Actually I am going to reveal a secret I could possibly be executed for, but we decided we didn't need yet another 4 ton bed necessary for sleep at our work annex 150 mi from our home to work in what the natives call “THE BIG CITY” for a year. (Turns out a 300mi commute each day is a little tricky without a coffee IV.) AIR MATTRESS…Inflatable, $50, hilarious and impossible to put a fitted sheet on. So DON’T.
Cheap unless you fall asleep with your metal clip clad work badge attached to your pants and your car keys in your hand. This means buying ANOTHER AIR MATTRESS (or many more in a year long time frame) to replace the one you woke up in shredded and draped over your face like the fallen Barney float.
Oh, it also makes fart sounds when you roll over (the hilarious part) and then the BLAME GAME starts, when someone ends up sleeping on the sofa.
Adventurous.
Hmm. A lot of little beds. Does Snow White stay at your house for Thanksgiving?
At last! Someone else who loses the wrestling matches with fitted sheets!
I can’t believe Dave Barry did not review this chainsaw designed for carving turkeys. Maybe next year
https://mightycarver.com
Fun fact: The chainsaw was actually invented for childbirth...have I ruined your Thanksgiving yet? ;)
Oh God. Don’t EVER let my husband see this. Loud, dangerous tool he can play with inside? Top of his Christmas wish list.
Har!! My solution to both is to allow guests to pull the meat off with their bare hands and later that night, give them sleeping bags.
My auto-complete brain read “give them baths”.
I don’t typically know my guests THAT intimately…
Then get Elon!!!!!
Fitted sheets were never intended to be folded by human hands. That is a fact. Somewhere on the label it even says that. It's in the fine print.
I'm very good a folding fitted sheets, but I'm not carving a turkey!
I pay for this substack to support Dave Barry, the only journalist fearless enough to tell the truth about green bean casserole AND raisins in a single post.
Turkey is awesome though. The key is to slather it in 2000 pounds of butter and rosemary, and not let your parents anywhere near it, because they will insist on opening the oven so that they can perform turkey cooking techniques they learned while traveling on the Oregon Trail, which will do nothing to improve the taste of the turkey and will dry it out.
"oregon trail" hahahahah!
"You have died of dysentery."
... contracted from an improperly cooked turkey.
Whippersnapper.
The Inflatable Giblets would be a good name for…oh, you know.
And Tom! would be a good name for an excitable turkey.
Excitable Turkeys
The New York Times???
Thanksgiving is the day we celebrate the people who were so desperate to get away from their family dinners they traveled across the ocean to a new world they didn't know existed by creating dinners that will inspire the same feelings in us hundreds of years later. That is the true holiday spirit.
"Oh, the humanity!" (At least Barney wasn't full of giblets...)
I was thinking at least a bunch of little kids didn't come running out of him.
That’s too funny! And oddly disturbing…
He kept waving to the crowd ‘til the very end!
I know...I thought for a second before I sent it but then figured what the heck 🤣
I can’t help thinking how Les Nessman of WKRP would have reported on the catastrophic Barney incident. But those three words immediately came to mind.
I thought of him after I posted this!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gKUKOGqpHQ
1. Archie McPhee also makes Inflatable Fruitcake, which i've sent to family.
2. Barney needed to be filled with either
a. candy,
b. hydrogen, or
c. both, for the carmelization. Oh, the humanity! (Too soon?)
3. Haggis is served with a shot of scotch poured over it. Maybe that would help String Bean Casserole. Bacardi 151 and light it on fire. Oh, more humanity!
excellent! also, two shots of your favorite whisky, whiskey before immolating the beans?
Now you've got me wondering about the Big New Trend of inflating tires with nitrogen. I wonder if Barney's got a bright green valve stem or just a plain black one?
(laughing) Thank you for, uh, I guess "clarifying" is the right word?
The Barney video was priceless. Since I had never seen this before today, I was unprepared for the coffee spewage, guffaws, and other barbarian noises that erupted as I watched Barney disintegrate in front of thousands(?) of young children. I hope I’m that tenacious at the end. And die smiling.
My kids loved Barney. My son was a Barney fanatic. I have never despised a children’s icon like I did Barney. As soon as the music started I wanted to hurl myself off the roof of my car.
To see Barney so thoroughly shredded is sublime. Thank you, Dave.
It’s true: revenge really is a dish best served cold.
Lucy looks like she was a sweet old girl.
We don't have a Howard, but we used to have a Paul. Paul can carve a turkey (or a brisket, or whatever else needs to be carved) like no one's business. Alas, Paul now resides on the opposite coast from us and as such, we are now Paul-less and will be forced to carve our turkey ourselves. Nothing good will come of this.
We will pray for you.
Is the haggis raisin- and giblet-free?
Probably not, because the fine people of that island try to put raisins in everything.
Yes! I am Scottish and believe that raisins belong in oatmeal, bread, fruit squares, muffins and, especially mince pies where they should be soaked for a long period in whiskey before being added, according to my grandmother.
Whisky-soaked raisins should be the only approved holiday use of raisins.
I’m very slightly Scottish, and I say Yum!
Ya dinna spake false, Sassenach!
Haggis IS giblets! With oats.
With the holidays approaching, we need all the culinary expertise we can get. A star for you! (Note to self: steal giblets this year when no one's looking; add oats; "cook." See if anyone else eats it first.) P.S. Is "haggis" singular or plural? I've noticed that no one ever talks about just one giblet, and you got me wondering about haggi(s).
Does it matter?
inquiring minds need to know!
Haggis gets a bad rap. It's actually pretty good ;) like a super-savory stuffing
My ancestors were Scots. So, yeah, you're right: to be fair, I really should try it sometime. Maybe if it were packaged in a Scrapple wrapper???
Or hidden under other foods at a Scottish Bed and Breakfast so as not to insult the hosts. Uh, not that I’d know from experience.
Scrapple wrapper! ? Is that a band?
Lololol. Only in Dave's world!
Wampanoag = Commanders. Maybe the reference of the year. Thanks, Dave!
I’ve said it already in these comments and I’ll say it again, the Wampanoag Indians live in my backyard in Massachusetts, and there’s no way they would be Commanders fans, they are dyed in the wool New England Patriots fans!
It seems like there is so much anger and trouble in the United States. But at least the country still has Dave Barry writing and New York City putting on parades.
FINE. Due to the seriousness of your comment...ahem...you have been exiled to the kids' table this year where a silent vigil for Barney the Macy's balloon will be held. I hope you're happy with your decision to be all serious up in here for crying out loud!
I was not aware that I was being screened “up in here” for seriousness. And since you somehow gained the right to assign seats, I am more than pleased to be exiled to any table other than the one where you are sitting.
bite me
Don’t fight, kids!
One of my aunts could slice turkey breast thin enough to read a newspaper thru…..she needed to as there were approximately 50-55 folks there for Thanksgiving dinner. My grandmother, who raised eight children, all of them, except my mom, boys, knew a thing or two about cooking large meals. The only raisins used in that meal were included in her fruit cake, which since she had sooooo many other desiccated fruits included, it was hard to find the raisins. But, because Granny also drenched her fruit cakes in her homemade blackberry wine, they had a shelf life of at least a decade so plenty of time seek them out to remove if one were so inclined. You are lucky to have Howard the Carver in your life, treasure him…..and for goodness sake, forsake all fruit cakes!
The upsides to my now 42-year-old divorce: (1) no more compulsory Thanksgivings with the in-laws; (2) no more compulsory FAMILY Thanksgivings, after my mom passed on since she was the torch bearer for this ritual; and (3) setting free myself and my daughters from compulsory ANYTHING but especially Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings. I eat turkey many times during the course of a calendar year, so am not driven to consume more on one particular day. I am also thankful most days for lots of things. I don’t require a specific date to be thankful or commemorate why others were thankful hundreds of years ago. And I do not travel during the holidays because I am a relatively sane person and find myself thinking of mass lemming migrations careening off the nearest cliff when I see pictures of massively jammed airport terminals and highways. Don’t mean to be curmudgeonly, but there you have it.
Although I concur with freedom from forced family gatherings, I do have memories of the 3½-hour drive to my aunt's house on Long Island, only 60 miles away. I didn't say the memories were fond. Her over-heated, and over-crowded, brick house reverberated with our Zaydi's long and eloquently riské stories, with punch lines always frustratingly delivered in Yiddish.
Exactly. Which is why I now enjoy Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us...
Reminds me of the 🦤 Dodos in the Ice Age movie.
There's a thousand kids who were out there that and every year this time their family gets to hear "Yea. I was there when Barney dropped"