Planning Your Summer Family Vacation

This will not help at all.

The family vacation road trip is a beloved American tradition dating back to 1846, when the Donner family traveled all the way from Illinois to California, where, unfortunately, they got stuck and wound up eating each other.

This tragedy teaches us two important lessons about planning a family road trip:

Lesson One: Take an adequate supply of snacks. Most modern historians believe that if the Donners had carried a 50-pound keg of Gummy Worms, they would still be alive today.

Lesson Two: Be prepared for emergencies. You probably will not face, as the Donner party did, an early-season blizzard blocking an already almost-impassible mountain pass. But you could find yourself face-to-face with something equally daunting: a dashboard warning light.

When I was a youth, cars had only one warning light. It looked like this:

This light, as the label suggests, had something to do with the oil, a vital car ingredient. Basically, if the oil light came on, it meant you had to replace the car. Fortunately that was no big deal, because back then you could buy an entire car for what it costs today to refuel one.

Things are very different now. Modern cars, thanks to computers, boast a vast array of warning lights, shaped in the form of tiny informational symbols like these:

These symbols were created by professional engineers who have had limited contact with humans, so it can be difficult to understand what information they’re meant to impart. For example, this symbol seems to be warning you that either YOUR CAR IS LEVITATING or AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT IS LANDING:

This symbol apparently means YOU HAVE ROLLED OVER TWICE:

I’m pretty sure this one means THE DRIVER IS BEING ATTACKED BY A LARGE PRETZEL:

But never mind what the specific symbols mean. The point is that, on your family road trip, you need to monitor your dashboard in case a warning symbol lights up, and be prepared to react. For example, suppose you’re driving across one of those states that people try to get through as fast as possible without stopping, such as (no offense) Iowa. You’re in the middle of nowhere, many miles from any authorized service technician, when you suddenly notice that a warning light has appeared on your dashboard. It looks like this:

What is this light trying to tell you? There’s no way to know for sure, although it seems to be saying YOU HAVE SKIDDED INTO A PYRAMID. But the specific technical issue is not the important thing. The important thing is, your car is giving you a warning, and you must not ignore it. Ignoring it won’t solve the problem! You need to take action, in the form of applying a piece of duct tape to the dashboard, as shown here:

Problem solved! This is why you should never go anywhere without duct tape. It’s literally a lifesaver. Most modern historians believe that if the Donner party had carried duct tape, they would have eaten it first.

Perhaps you’re thinking: “But Dave, what if the warning light is telling me that something’s wrong with the engine? Shouldn’t I raise the hood and take a look?

Ha ha! Good one!

I mean, you ARE joking, right? A modern automobile engine contains as many as 100 computers, 3,000 microchips and 2,000 distinct mechanical parts. Are you suggesting that you could diagnose a problem simply by looking at the engine? You, a person who is frequently baffled by the challenge of turning your windshield wipers all the way off?

What I’m saying is that, with all due respect, you are way too stupid to understand your car. On top of that, if you raise the hood, you are literally risking your life. I say this because of the following recent news headlines, which I am not making up:

Python Surprise! Exotic Snake Found Hiding in Car Engine in Green Bay

Knoxville man finds exotic python in SUV engine after noticing strange smell

Large invasive snake found coiled around woman’s car engine, Florida sheriff says

2 snakes found hiding underneath hood of car in Arizona

There are many more stories like this (Google “snake in engine” if you don’t believe me) but you get the point: For whatever reason — we cannot rule out Global Climate Change — this nation is in the midst of a raging epidemic of automotive engine snakes. One of the main reasons why car repairs are so expensive these days is that garages have to hire commandos to protect the mechanics.

The point is, unless you’re a Navy Seal, you should never open the hood of your car. Also: If, while you’re driving, you look down at your dashboard and see this warning light...

...you probably should sell your car.

In fact, in view of the risks, maybe you should reconsider the whole idea of taking a family vacation road trip this year. Maybe a better option would be to fly to your destination.

The advantage of flying is that planes are usually snake-free, although there are exceptions. The disadvantage of flying, of course, is that flying sucks.

It didn’t used to. In fact commercial air travel used to be swell. That was many decades ago, when people said “swell” unironically and wore business attire in all situations including the bathtub. Back then commercial air travel was genteel and luxurious. Here’s what the cabin interior of a typical flight looked like in 1953:

And that was coach class. First class had a golf course.

Contrast the spaciousness and elegant comfort of airline travel in those days with the passenger experience on a typical flight today, which looks like this:

The man with his back to us is attempting — we’ve all been there — to get from his window seat to the aisle without exchanging bodily fluids with the other passengers jammed into his row. His goal is to get to the back of the airplane, where he will wait in line for upwards of 20 minutes for a chance to occupy a pungent toilet enclosure approximately the size of a Wheaties box adorned with festive mystery smears on every visible surface including the ceiling.

The problem is that modern commercial airplane interiors were designed by, and for, members of the Lollipop Guild. These designers have created a seating configuration that makes sense only for transporting passengers who are of smallish stature and extremely flexible. In other words, passengers like this:

So if you don’t happen to be an Olympic gymnast, commercial air travel is uncomfortable. On the other hand, it’s also unreliable. More and more flights are being canceled at the last minute, or even later, as in the recent case of Spirit Airlines, which went out of business so suddenly that some passengers, as seen here, were deplaned from flights that had not yet landed:

Ha ha! I’m joking, of course. Those are crew members.

In conclusion: When planning your family summer vacation trip, it’s important to bear in mind that flying sucks, and driving can be fatal. But the main thing is: Have fun!

And now, speaking of fun, let’s hear from you paying subscribers, for whom the warning light of love is always glowing on the dashboard of my heart.

Today we have four scientific polls: