362 Comments
User's avatar
Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

I assume the next update will include a “Passive-Aggressive Midwestern Driver Mode” where the car lets everyone go first while quietly judging them.

Wis's avatar

Omg! I love this! And all the cars stuck behind the car in Midwestern Driver Mode could flip it off with their robotic Digital Gesture Of Disapproval Module.

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

I see your vision unfolding: a full motorcade of DGODMs gesturing in perfect synchronization while the Midwestern Driver Mode car waves them all ahead with quiet, infuriating graciousness. A traffic nightmare. A ballet. Possibly both.

Wis's avatar

A ballet or a traffic nightmare… for the latter, some of the fancier cars could have a “BBQ” feature, where a working grill and cooler will be available in the trunk, so as enraged drivers wait, everyone can at least get a burger and a couple beers. Er, sodas.

It’d be like a big tailgate party.

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

Finally, road rage solved—not with better infrastructure, but with brisket. The Department of Transportation's new slogan: "You're not stuck in traffic, you're hosting."

Wis's avatar

😂 Madame, you should be a comedy writer! You’re hilarious!

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

Oh honey, Madame has been saying this for YEARS, but apparently you have to have an agent and a platform and wear something other than a bathrobe while delivering lines from a drive-thru healing window to get taken seriously in this industry. Your support is noted, appreciated, and being celebrated with a box of wine as we speak. 🍷😂✨

Joyce Hennessee's avatar

Is it legal to consume adult beverages while riding in a Waymo? Just askin’

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

Asking for a friend who may or may not be Madame Bullwinkle.

Wis's avatar

I doubt it. It would be a great option for those drunk drivers on the go, though. They could self drive right to a drive through liquor store.

Carol Anne Fusco's avatar

One should be able to legally drink in a Waymo- you’re not driving!

Wis's avatar

🤷‍♀️. It’s a good question - I don’t know. I just doubt it, is all. People would show up snockered to PTA meetings and grocery stores.

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

You say that like the grocery store and PTA aren’t already… advanced placement courses.

Fritz Tschanz's avatar

What about open container issues...?

Jay Elston's avatar

They only go the speed limit. Does that count?

Steve's avatar

The Pittsburgh version has to include a “turn left against traffic on a green light even without a green arrow”.

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

This is not a traffic violation. It is a spiritual tradition. Kevin has been briefed.

Susie's avatar

You slay me, Madame!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

I aim to delight and mildly destabilize. It’s a public service, really. Glad it’s working. 😄

Susie's avatar

Oh, it’s working! Thanks!!! 🤣

MJAtlanta's avatar

I come from the land of "Minnesota Nice"!

John's avatar

In Chicago, that's called "driving".

Steve's avatar

I want to visit again, a lot of neat places and restaurants. But I won’t drive to Downtown. Train or bus.

PD Mullarkey's avatar

Brilliant! And so on point!

The Rickster's avatar

Very good point. I was thinking if the taxi was polite among those Miami drivers, the ride would be exponentially more dangerous than if it adapted to conditions.

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

At some point, defensive driving becomes aggressive compliance with reality.

Rich Feldman's avatar

That sounds Waymo better than having to talk to a driver who wants to tell you their life story about having kids at the age of 18 and having to drive for a living.

Bobbi Sorensen's avatar

I have taken hundreds of cabs in LA, NY, DC, and London, and have never encountered such drivers. I find that they generally are hard working people trying to make enough to care for their families, and they spend very little time trying to chat up their entitled customers.

Rich Feldman's avatar

Truth be told, neither have I. It was what they call satire.

Bobbi Sorensen's avatar

I figured it was satire although it’s easy to use “it’s satire” when it’s pointed out that a comment is insulting to a specific, perhaps less fortunate, group of people.

Rich Feldman's avatar

Fair enough. Having kids at age 13 is not "less fortunate," but point taken.

Annie R H's avatar

Using sexually abused kids as satire might be seen as being a tad worse.

Rich Feldman's avatar

I never said they were abused. If you're making an Epsteinian reference, separate from this, then full on agree.

Net/net, I've learned my lesson about trying to make a "Waymo better" joke in a huff.

BabsPHL's avatar

If you're "concerned" about comments insulting a specific, less fortunate group of people, maybe be enraged about all the "people" being trampled in this glorious USA under trump and toadies. That's waymo props than criticizing the hungry poor yearning to breathe free, called virtue signaling.

Bobbi Sorensen's avatar

Babs: Actually I’m much more than “enraged” about the way our government is trampling on people. I’m a Minnesotan after all. But I’m able to be concerned and even outraged by more than one situation at a time. Virtue signaling generally refers to people who express outrage and leave it at that rather than trying to do something about it. What is the term for folks who try to insult people with a label without having any idea what they have been doing, how they have been working within and without the political system to address important issues?

Annie R H's avatar

They are not mutually exclusive, you know.

John's avatar

No one ever mentions Chicago when they mention New York and L.A. Chicago is the Fredo of America.

John E Simpson's avatar

"Chicago is the Fredo of America": *excellent*!

Bill Dunn's avatar

"I'm your older brother, Los Angeles, and I was stepped over! I'm smart and I want respect!"

Martin Reiter's avatar

I had a very memorable conversation with an Uber driver who was from China. Noting that I was on my way to participate in a music event, he told me that, in China, music is considered to be medicine for the whole body and not just for the spirit. The characters for Music and Medicine are very similar.

Rich Feldman's avatar

I like that thought a lot. Unless, of course, we're talking about opera. No offense to opera fans, but I just can't get into it.

Martin Reiter's avatar

Me neither. Fortunately, there are a lot of other choices.

Shama Bole's avatar

And wears after-shave that cripples my olfactory senses (and social life till I shower the miasma off) for about 4 days afterwards.

Steve's avatar

That’s why I do DoorDash.

Just Lil Ole Me's avatar

I cut out and saved a New Yorker cartoon in which a woman is talking to her therapist and says "I am genuinely full of empathy and compassion until I see how other people drive." Makes me chuckle every time I see it.

Randall Robinson's avatar

I had hundreds of such cartoons framed on the walls of my private practice office. Clients loved them!

Bill Dunn's avatar

If the fare is less than $30 each way, that's not enough to cover the cost of those 19,000 cameras and 4 million sensors and the AI computing power. Although it probably covers "Kevin" in India's wages for a month. The only way Waymo can work as a business model is if additional sensors are sucking up ever bit of data from your credit cards and your smartphone and your pacemaker while you sit in the back seat. Not that I'm paranoid about our good friends at Google being tempted to violate our personal privacy once in a while. On the other hand, it's not paranoia if everyone IS out to get you!

MerryCatholic.substack.com

Nancy Lewis's avatar

You can sing!!!! Wow:) Next time, will you please present us with your version of Bohemian Rhapsody, singing all 17.5 voices??

Dave Barry's avatar

I suspect Waymo would eject me from the vehicle.

Bill Dunn's avatar

So the Waymo vehicle has the same features as James Bond's Aston Martin DB5?

Nancy Lewis's avatar

That raises the question “Can you mutiny a Waymo?”

Bill Dunn's avatar

No, you're thinking of that movie "Waymo's World" with Mike Meyers.

Ian Mark Sirota's avatar

1) Like many others, I am sure, I still want to know if you survived the experience!

2) Where I live, in New Jersey, any functional Waymo would have to be equipped with a "F U, you #$@&#^!! a--hole, get the #*&$^&# out of my way!!" audio feature for highway trips. This would be played on a permanent loop as soon as the Waymo entered the left lane of the highway.

Steve's avatar

Will that include the machine swearing about the yuuuge potholes? Unless yinz (I’m in Pittsburgh) are used to it. I usually swear when I hit one of PA’s potholes.

Lizbet's avatar

For decades I have wanted one of those electric highway signs with the orange lettering on top of my car and a keyboard in my dashboard so that I could more effectively express to my fellow drivers just how much I appreciate them.

Jen St. Germain's avatar

Dave, clearly you aren't a mother. Did no one ever tell you not to get into stranger's cars? Did you used to accept candy from strangers? Have you not watched Law and Order? This is an episode waiting to happen: nice man orders a Waymo and ends up in an apartment bathtub missing his kidney. Perhaps even WORSE! It could be an SVU EPISODE, if you know what I mean. At least when you drive yourself, you know what you're getting into - maniacal, idiotic drivers. With Waymo, well, the next ride you take might be .... your last ..... (Dun DUN!)

Robot Bender's avatar

You have to admit it would make for an interesting obituary.

Jen St. Germain's avatar

Bite your tongue. Google already killed him once.

Bill Dunn's avatar

Well, those are some pleasant thoughts, Jen. Which means.... you fit right in on this Friday morning wackiness extravaganza, known as Dave's Comment Section! This summer someone should host the first annual Dave's Fan Club picnic and metal health evaluation party. I'll bring the NA beer.

Jen St. Germain's avatar

*Sob* I feel so seen, Bill.

Bill Dunn's avatar

Sorry. I didn't mean to peek.

Tim Gee's avatar

Film at 11

John E Simpson's avatar

And when Waymo branches out into more elaborate vehicles, they could do a whole spinoff series: "SUV SVU." Whole families and soccer teams gone missing!

Susie's avatar

Ahahhahahahahahaha!!!!

Fran Tunno's avatar

I'm sensing a budding TV writer!

Jen St. Germain's avatar

Well, I do watch a lot of it. It must be just so easy. 😉

Pat Wagner's avatar

Waving from Denver, Colorado that, as I understand, will be the first Waymo city that is subject to blizzards, ice storms, and below freezing temps for days at a time. My neighbors and I are not optimistic that "Kevin" knows how to differentiate between a road that is "wet" versus one covered with black ice, manage suddenly fishtailing on packed snow, or keep control while driving over a unplowed side street with deep ruts.

And, as I understand, there is no legal oversight, such as rules coming down from our city council governing accountability or mistakes. I guess someone in our government forgot.

We are very excited to be part of this Wild West experiment. (not)

Pat Wagner's avatar

Floods? I forgot our floods. Thank you.

Our city is notorious for having 100-year floods every 20-25 years or so, going back to the founding of the city in the mid-1800s. White folks who showed up at the time couldn't understand why local tribes had not set up permanent settlements at the confluence of Cherry Creek and the Platte River.

According to a friend who worked for our water agency for decades, friendly tribal leaders tried to explain. I guess they were not able to translate "10-foot surges with debris wiping out everything in their path" to the newcomers.

Just because we are in the middle of a drought right now does not mean that in a shift in the weather during our monsoon seasons we won't be hit by flooding this year.

Moe C.'s avatar
5dEdited

I am usually dismayed and mystified by the velocity of change in the world, but last night I witnessed a girl with skunk-stripe hair and pierced gums win Olympic gold while skating to "MacArthur Park". Normalcy prevails!

Dave Barry's avatar

She could skate, though.

Moe C.'s avatar

No argument on that.

Moe C.'s avatar

It's a shame that she didn't finish with "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy".

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

This is exactly the future I was promised, except I assumed there would be more jetpacks and fewer dental accessories. I would like to note that ‘normal’ has always been a moving target, and it appears to be skating faster than ever.

Carol Anne Fusco's avatar

Screw the jet packs! I want my Star Trek Transporter system. It’s got to be more pleasant than being in steerage on a plane.

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

Honestly, I’d risk reassembling a molecule or two out of place or arriving as my own evil twin if it meant never boarding Group 9 again.

Susie's avatar

Gawd, you’re funny!!! 🤣🤣🤣

ProfLPC's avatar

I’ve always hated MacArthur Park. What the heck is the metaphor about the bloody cake supposed to mean?!?

Moe C.'s avatar

I think that it is #2 on Dave's list of "Worst Songs Ever Written". I don't think that I can take it....

Dave Barry's avatar

It actually won.

Bill Dunn's avatar

Is this like the 4th week in a row "MacArthur Park" has been mentioned in the comments?

Guy White's avatar

I believe you are correct. Dave, can we get a ruling on this?

ProfLPC's avatar

Are you asking Dave to rule on his own comment that MacArthur Park is number 1 on his worst list?!?

Guy White's avatar

My memory isn’t what it used to be, but I was thinking “Land of 1000 Dances” was the worst. Didn’t have time to look it up. Dave affirmed “MacArthur Park” was in fact #1 (above) after my initial comment. My question now is, where the hell IS MacArthur Park? And is there a trend of people leaving cakes there?

Moe C.'s avatar

MacArthur Park is in L.A.. Song written by Jimmie Webb, supposedly about a painful breakup with a girlfriend. Painful to my ears.

Lizbet's avatar

Is it #2? I could have sworn it was #1.

Doris's avatar

Yeah. That song is just weird. Probably why she chose it.

Phoebe's avatar

At least it wasn't the Richard Harris version.

ProfLPC's avatar

Dante’s 7 levels of Hell comes to mind…

Julian's avatar

I've never heard the song, but bloody cake = hemorrhoids?

ProfLPC's avatar

lol. Bloody is profanity in the UK. I was asking what an f-ing cake has to do with anything.

Bill Dunn's avatar

Great point. Change is inevitable. But the current "velocity" is nuts!

Bill Dunn's avatar

Holy crap! I sound like a geezer. Oh wait....

Harrison Bolter's avatar

Right there with you, sir! Damn kids, get offa my lawn! Consarnit, kids today with their InstaChat and SnapGram and Tok-tik…

I sometimes think I’d like to equip my car with phasers, set on “disintegrate.” That way, I could rid the world of the offending drivers, while keeping the roads clear for traffic. OK, I’m mostly kidding. Sort of. Some people think I’m hostile, but the hell with them. 😳

Lizbet's avatar

Given the song choice, it is amazing that she won though. For those who recall, "MacArthur Park" was the grand prize winner in Dave's bad song survey. Then again, maybe they gave it to her for managing to make that song look good.

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

If Miami drivers are a 98.5, I assume the other 1.5 points are reserved for meteor strikes and the occasional shopping cart.

wiredog's avatar

Just don’t get in one of the Tesla driverless taxis. Apparently they are 4 times as likely to crash as a human driver, and when they do you can’t open the doors while the battery pack ignites and barbecues you.

Carol Anne Fusco's avatar

Speaking of Tesla…I saw a photo of one of those hideous angular Teslas that resemble tanks with the caption: Finally, a method of male birth control. I giggle just thinking about it.

Harrison Bolter's avatar

Love your comment!

Ah, yes, the Fugly Cybertruck. The vehicle that looks like it was designed by a 12-year-old on Ketamine. Wait, maybe it was…🤔

ProfLPC's avatar

If only Elon would ride in his own invention…

Steve's avatar

He does. There is video of him getting into one of his trucks.

Helena Handbasket's avatar

Unfortunately, there's probably also a video of him getting out.

ProfLPC's avatar

But did he RIDE in it?

Steve's avatar

He was getting in it while someone was asking him a question. His body language indicated he was going somewhere.

Helena Handbasket's avatar

The owner of the Segway company, Jimi Heselden, died in 2010 after riding one of his segways off a cliff into a river. Just sayin . . .

Tracy Montgomery's avatar

So glad to see your avatar! Always enjoy your wit.

Lizbet's avatar

I got into a debate about whether those actually are trucks. I think my friend who insists on referring to them as "failed geometry experiments " is more accurate.

Steve's avatar

“If it seems stupid but it works, then it’s not stupid”

That is the issue. Do they function as advertised?

Guy White's avatar

Sounds like they need an ejection seat option. Didn’t James Bond’s vehicles have them all the way back in the 60’s?

Bill Dunn's avatar

I have got to get me one of those DGODM "We're No. 1" arms for my car! I can't seem to find it on Amazon...

MerryCatholic.substack.com

Madame Bullwinkle's avatar

Amazon probably files it under ‘Conflict Resolution Devices’— or ‘Essential Miami Driving Equipment. Try that.

Chris Rhoads's avatar

Strangely satisfying if the porch pirates steal that Amazon shipment!

Lizbet's avatar

You got the hardest laugh out of me today. Considering my decades long adoration of Dave, that's really hard for someone else to do.

Gregory Dunn's avatar

My father liked to say that everyone agreed that he was the number one driver in Massachusetts. Everyone would raise a single digit whenever he passed them on the road.

Bill Dunn's avatar

Hmm, I think it was your dad a while ago who forced me onto the shoulder of the Mass Pike when he zoomed by. Yes, he is the Number One driver in Massachusetts -- tied for first with 4 million other maniacs!

Gregory Dunn's avatar

Well, maybe not as he’s been gone for twenty-five years, but he was an early practitioner of the Boston style of driving having started at age fourteen in 1934.

Bill Dunn's avatar

Ya never know. I've been getting terrified by drivers on the Mass Pike since the mid-70s. Your dad could've been one of them. Must be the last name.

Just Lil Ole Me's avatar

Ditto. Maybe we can save on a bulk order!

Chris Hanson's avatar

Pffft. Some Enchanted Evening. That’s not a test of the microphones or the effects of singing on the car. Copacabana. That’s a test.

Dave Barry's avatar

That would be crossing a line.

Chris Hanson's avatar

A host of us have been reading you for a very long time, sir.

Steve Pietrowicz's avatar

Can’t remember exactly where, but I’ve seen two people, two different times, eating a bowl of cereal while driving. I hope that’s not a trend they’re trying to start.

I do remember this not in Miami because they didn’t have a gun in their other hand.

Marsha miller's avatar

Close? Used to do evening class teaching in Bloomington IN, driving from Terre Haute IN on a mostly 2-lane ‘country’ road i.e. a little winding, and with people driving too fast. BUT after class I was HUNGRY. So, getting to Spencer IN, I would don a large towel and order a burrito supreme and then drive on into the night. Sometimes it was tricky but I am still alive; probably the closest to trying to eat a bowl of cereal while driving.

Steve Pietrowicz's avatar

Come to think of it, I believe I saw this happening in Indianapolis. Perhaps this is an Indiana phenomenon? If pork tenderloin sandwiches were involved, I think we'd definitely be on to something.

Marsha miller's avatar

As you hopefully know, Indiana BREADED tenderloin sandwiches are HUGE.

John E Simpson's avatar

Early in my relationship with my ex-wife, on the way home after a visit with parents, we stopped at a McDonald's for coffee to go. I was getting ready for my first sip when I remembered I hadn't yet buckled my seat belt, so I temporarily parked the coffee cup between my thighs and---

The scream (several sacred beings were invoked) greatly alarmed the children in the minibus next to us, which was from something like The Tiny Points of Light Academy. (Not its real name but you get the idea.)

It was one of my ex's favorite stories to relate in later years.

LKN's avatar

By “they” do you mean the cereal eating and driving community?

Steve Pietrowicz's avatar

Yes, the Culinary Motoring Community.

Harrison Bolter's avatar

I love cereal (a meal in a bowl), but I never eat it and drive. I eat it and read quietly at home. Well, quietly except for the laughter when I’m reading this column and comments section!

Kathryn Loveland's avatar

Would you rather see people eating breakfast burritos? Just wondering.

Rich Feldman's avatar

What the world really needs is autonomous e-bikes so I can walk across the street in NYC without fear for my life. That's assuming they'd have pedestrian sensors, of course.

John E Simpson's avatar

...also, autonomous roller skates and autonomous skateboards. Progress in those areas is impeded by the difficulty of including DGODM devices small enough to allow them to remain mobile.

The Bootleg Manager's avatar

I had a perfectly lovely interaction with Waymo customer service when the car thoughtfully dropped me off at a warehouse half a mile from my hotel so I could avoid any unnecessary convenience. They refunded my trip. But if I wanted the Waymo to take me to my ACTUAL hotel, I’d have to exit the vehicle - and call another Waymo. Kevin couldn’t re-route the car I was already buckled into.

John E Simpson's avatar

Unnecessary conveniences are the WORST.