As someone who also can't do math after margaritas (or before them, honestly), I deeply appreciate your peso conversion methodology of 'somewhere between 3 and 167 dollars.' This is exactly how I handle all international currency exchange, and coincidentally, also how I estimate my own age.
Roger, I feel like you're trying to tell me something important about my financial practices, but I'm going to need you to be more specific. And also provide margaritas. (Although the audit letters practically write themselves! “Your Honor, I submit 'margarita math' as a legitimate accounting methodology. The IRS should adjust.")
Margarita Math!! Imbibe a few, scribble down some numbers, and if the IRS challenges your figures, blame Trump. That works for half the country in every situation imaginable.
Roger, you've cracked the code. I appreciate the political neutrality of Margarita Math—it works regardless of which president you're blaming. This is the kind of unifying accounting principle America needs right now. Scapegoating is truly the last bipartisan activity we have left. 🍹
John, I appreciate your commitment to grammatical precision even in discussions of margarita-induced mathematical incompetence. The answer is: I do my math in a state of perpetual margarita proximity, which renders the between/among distinction meaningless.
After reading this week's column, I take it on faith that any commenter who self-identifies as a variation of "Robert" is probably a friend of the proprietor and therefore both (a) smart and (b) worth kidding.
The Founding Fathers were VERY clear about this in the Poultry Clause. Ducks are a states' rights issue. Federal overreach into waterfowl management is tyranny.
In fact, this critical division was one of the primary causes of the so-called “Goose Riots” of 1895, which resulted in much bloodshed and even more quantities of foie gras.
Historians have tried to suppress the truth about the Goose Riots, but those of us with signed Federal Duck documentation know better. The foie gras surplus of 1895 nearly destroyed the waterfowl economy.
When I was a young student, I had a job stuffing dead animals for a wildlife teaching collection. I had a "skinning kit" with scalpel, wires, fake eyes, borax, a hair dryer. The animals were already in the freezer; I had nothing to do with their demise. Bird skins are stretchy, and when the professor saw my first product, he said, "You've created a new species: the long-necked grebe." Many specimens were ducks. One was a whistling swan a hunter shot and excitedly called wildlife officials, saying "You gotta see the size of this snow goose." One was a bufflehead. I thought that word should have entered the mainstream, at least as a band.
Oh. My. Gawd. You just made me spew my wine out my nose. Waste of substandard wine, alcohol abuse, etc but worth the laugh.
On another note, US President Mallard Fillmore is credited with installing the first flushing toilet in the White House in 1853. "...this addition marked a significant, though early, improvement in White House sanitation." Unfortunately it's rumored that some president(s) thereafter has/have not chosen to always use this method.
But nobody needs extended magazines of 32 ducks or more. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need more than one or two ducks, I would argue that you have made many poor life choices to get to that point.
That’s interesting. I think I have that, too. I’m wondering if there are specific strains of souvenerial disease. Mine seems to be small, local artist paintings that morph into more expensive “art” when I get them framed. And all cannot exceed the dimensions of my luggage. Any specialist out there that can provide guidance?
Framing is so expensive! I'm glad I stick to mostly wearables. Even art that I've bought ready to hang with good intentions is likely in a pile under said wearables in a spare bedroom. I'm the worst.
If the U.S. is determined to be the schoolyard bully of the Western Hemisphere, why mess around with Greenland or Canada? Better to annex Mexico. Otherwise, the Russians and Chinese will end up plundering its margarita reserves and what then? We’ll have the Russians and Chinese on our doorstep - unable to find the keys or remember how they got there.
The article has been fact checked by me. Dave was not making this up. Hence, traveling as a trusted journalist who continues to report the truth and nothing but the truth so help him Bobs, we are confident that Dave and his staff (Michelle -- photographer, trip planner) will not get audited by the three remaining IRS employees.
Best name for a rock band: The Wiggles. Well, technically, they're not a rock band, but whatever. I'm hoping they'll do the Super Bowl halftime show one day. We could all use a little Wiggle right now.
True. IMHO, greatest halftime show of all time: Prince, hands down. Worst: every other one of them, where it went from a “concert” to some uber-choreographed, doesn’t-belong-on-a-football field attempt at performance art or deep statement, with a pit of goofy “fans” that would cheer no differently at a Wiggles show. Just sayin’.
The Federal Duck is a frightening bird. It has bright orange feathers that sit uneasily on the bird, for which reason it often wears a red MAQA (Make America Quack Again--the HHS slogan) hat covering the feathers. It quacks on Quack Social (the official account of HHS) up to 98 times a night and spends the day mostly asleep.
As a Federal Duck scholar, I can confirm this is an accurate field guide entry. The species is also known for aggressive territorial displays and an unusual molting pattern that requires constant grooming by sycophantic waterfowl.
Hmm.. are Oregon Ducks better than the cross state rivals the Oregon Beavers? (Yes, Oregon also has a college of Beavers although it is a mixed gender institution.) my family has had spirited debates about this topic. And, fun fact, many years ago, there was an effort by some on the Duck campus to retire the Duck and elevate the Banana Slug as the school mascot. I think “The Banana Slugs” would make a great name for a band.
Oh, this is excellent. I mean, aside from what you're really saying, "sit(s) uneasily on the bird" will, I suspect, find its way into my own lingo. As in: "Everyone knows the President can't take a joke. He really sits uneasily on the bird."
I enjoy all your writing, but the one thing I’d really love is for you to open up a bit more in a memoir. Your humor alone is great, but when you mix it with a little drama and tragedy — divorces and deaths and detached retinas and whatnot — it can become transcendent.
Dave published it last year: “Confessions of an Axe Murderer.” No wait, it’s called: Class Clown: the Memoirs of a Professional Wiseass.” I have a signed copy!!
Me too! Mine sits on my shelf judging all the other unsigned peasant books around it. Professional wiseassery is clearly a legitimate life path—we have DOCUMENTATION.
I believe the official designation is 'Certified Wiseass (CW)' for those of us with signed documentation, and 'Wiseass-in-Training' for skilled amateurs. We're very serious about our credentialing process. Although I think it's less about credentials and more about commitment to the craft. Though having Dave Barry's signature does add a certain 'I studied under a master' energy.
I know, I read that and enjoyed it a lot! But it did kind of pointedly skip over the many of the most interesting parts of his life. Or at least the most complicated.
Well within his rights as author and I assume the considerations of loved ones were taken into account, but it does limit things. I’m thinking of the original fatherhood column that launched him, or how he was able to write about his parents in Class Clown since they’re not around. I haven’t read it in years but the Hiroshima piece was moving as I recall too.
Dave, if you lived in an area of the country that is above sea level, you would have the basement to store not only the cute souvenirs, but old rickety kitchen utensils ( the kids may need it, despite all of them living successfully without them in their current apartments) and all the treasures from estate sales (which translated means “this item goes for 10 times what they are asking on eBay. We have to buy it, so our wealth can be stored in the basement as old stuff with some vague worth that we will never sell and realize the value anyway. )
It's not sucking up; it's just like visiting one's... oh, say, one's Great-Aunt Stephanie: she hands you a glass filled to the brim with her favorite sherry and points to the two paintings on the wall. "My best friend and I are taking oil painting at the Senior Center -- she did the one on the left and mine is the one on the right. Which do you like better?"
You sip your sherry. You go through the motions of studying both paintings, then break out in a big grin. "Oh, Steph!" you say. "I can't remember which one you said is yours, but the one on the right shows a MUCH better grasp of the basics of portraiture!"
Stephanie sips her own sherry, gives you a bit of the hairy eyeball she's famous for. Her lip curls as she says, "It's a landscape, not a goddam portrait."
Do you know of the Google Ngram Viewer? It lets you track the frequency of occurrence of a phrase (or compare the frequencies of more than one phrase), over time, in all the texts (books, newspapers, magazines) which Google has scoured, going back a few hundred years if you'd like. I just tried it out on the phrase "hairy eyeball," during the years from 1890-2010:
As you can see there, it did indeed start to percolate upwards into popular (?) usage in the early 1970s. But it's taken off quite a bit since about 1990 or so -- you were a man ahead of your time!
You can even drill down further to see some examples of the usage. I found this one, from "PS, the Preventive Maintenance Monthly" (Feb. 1970), by Will Eisner:
Well, goddam, now I am embarrassed! When I was typing that phrase, I consciously looked back at your handle to be sure the gender-specific common phrase wouldn't be out of place… so much for my discernment!
PS: and you are the first female Randall I've ever encountered, also after ¾ of a century!
Many of the streets of dahntahn Pittsburgh are still paved with cobblestones, especially those that once had trolley tracks. Cobblestones were laid along the cars' right-of-way. They are an absolute delight for both bicyclists and motorcyclists.
Those streets are great, especially if you have any annoying loose fillings you're hoping will fall out completely. Maybe our streets can entice Dave and Michelle to visit, along with their friends. We do have margaritas AND Iron City!
As a kid in Philly, I took the trolley from Mount Airy to school in Germantown and back everyday; the streets were cobblestoned, as well (cobblestones are a lot less hazardous to children as compared to older folk). Thinking back, it was rather quaint. Now, they’ve torn up the stones, gotten rid of the trolleys and replaced them with buses. Boring.
I remember the trolley, forgot about about cobblestones. For my money, Prague has the most annoying cobblestoned streets, because of a) sidewalks being too narrow and b) Pivo, which is how the Czechs say "Beer"
Very lovely tale of 4 hombres who have stayed close since LBJ was president. Unfortunate coincidence that you had to go to sunny Mexico the same time temperatures dropped into the HIGH THIRTIES in South Florida. (Which sound pretty nice here in single-digit Connecticut!)
As someone who also can't do math after margaritas (or before them, honestly), I deeply appreciate your peso conversion methodology of 'somewhere between 3 and 167 dollars.' This is exactly how I handle all international currency exchange, and coincidentally, also how I estimate my own age.
It's also how you can report your income on Form 1040.
Roger, I feel like you're trying to tell me something important about my financial practices, but I'm going to need you to be more specific. And also provide margaritas. (Although the audit letters practically write themselves! “Your Honor, I submit 'margarita math' as a legitimate accounting methodology. The IRS should adjust.")
Margarita Math!! Imbibe a few, scribble down some numbers, and if the IRS challenges your figures, blame Trump. That works for half the country in every situation imaginable.
Roger, you've cracked the code. I appreciate the political neutrality of Margarita Math—it works regardless of which president you're blaming. This is the kind of unifying accounting principle America needs right now. Scapegoating is truly the last bipartisan activity we have left. 🍹
Bwahahahaha! Thank you!
Dear Madame Bullwinkle,
From now on I'm going to just skip over the Dave Berry stuff and go directly to your comments. Are you married?
So is it safe to say, then, that you do all your math *between* margaritas? (Anal-retentive aside: or among them, if more than two.)
John, I appreciate your commitment to grammatical precision even in discussions of margarita-induced mathematical incompetence. The answer is: I do my math in a state of perpetual margarita proximity, which renders the between/among distinction meaningless.
More than two anuses? Or is it ani?
More than two margaritas. Or is it margaritae?
Well-played
After reading this week's column, I take it on faith that any commenter who self-identifies as a variation of "Robert" is probably a friend of the proprietor and therefore both (a) smart and (b) worth kidding.
😂
When I was in SMA, I was told that due to those cobblestones, it’s known as the “City of the Fallen Women”.
Would that've been on Calle de Femflop?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t think that means what you think it means.
I am staunchly opposed to nationalizing our ducks. Keep ducks at the state level, where they belong.
The Founding Fathers were VERY clear about this in the Poultry Clause. Ducks are a states' rights issue. Federal overreach into waterfowl management is tyranny.
In fact, this critical division was one of the primary causes of the so-called “Goose Riots” of 1895, which resulted in much bloodshed and even more quantities of foie gras.
Historians have tried to suppress the truth about the Goose Riots, but those of us with signed Federal Duck documentation know better. The foie gras surplus of 1895 nearly destroyed the waterfowl economy.
The whole powder keg was created when US President Mallard Fillmore signed legislation to “regulate the supply and distribution of all waterfowl.”
When I was a young student, I had a job stuffing dead animals for a wildlife teaching collection. I had a "skinning kit" with scalpel, wires, fake eyes, borax, a hair dryer. The animals were already in the freezer; I had nothing to do with their demise. Bird skins are stretchy, and when the professor saw my first product, he said, "You've created a new species: the long-necked grebe." Many specimens were ducks. One was a whistling swan a hunter shot and excitedly called wildlife officials, saying "You gotta see the size of this snow goose." One was a bufflehead. I thought that word should have entered the mainstream, at least as a band.
Oh. My. Gawd. You just made me spew my wine out my nose. Waste of substandard wine, alcohol abuse, etc but worth the laugh.
On another note, US President Mallard Fillmore is credited with installing the first flushing toilet in the White House in 1853. "...this addition marked a significant, though early, improvement in White House sanitation." Unfortunately it's rumored that some president(s) thereafter has/have not chosen to always use this method.
Sorry about your wine but it was for a good cause.
Yeah, it’s a pity that the current occupant can’t even aspire to the levels of sanitation found in the 1800s.
I'm not down with that at all.
The whole conversation seems a bit daffy.
I'm not, eider.
Should I order the pâté? The Feds have no business legislating my decision. Legislate local! Keep big govt’s hands off my toast points!
Your toast points, your choice. This is the rallying cry we need. Big Government has gotten too comfortable dictating appetizer policy. It ends here.
I am laughing 😆 out loud. Thank you!
Further, if ducks are outlawed, only outlaws will have ducks!
Relax. Nobody wants to take away your ducks.
But nobody needs extended magazines of 32 ducks or more. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need more than one or two ducks, I would argue that you have made many poor life choices to get to that point.
Oh man, they deported Dave?
SEND PESOS
"Send lawyers, guns, and pesos, the sh*t has hit the fan!"
And a "bucket for the big bailout!"
How many? 3 or 167 or some non-integer multiple of the ducks in the band and margaritas not spilled?
NO NO NO
He’s been made “Ambassador in Waiting” - like sports coaches.
That is hilarious! 😂
😂😂😂😂
Please tell Michelle she is not alone with her cultural exploration. My brother calls mine 'souvinereal disease'.
Although mine tends to be mostly t-shirts and hoodies.
Souvenireal Disease!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, he's a funny guy🙂
That’s interesting. I think I have that, too. I’m wondering if there are specific strains of souvenerial disease. Mine seems to be small, local artist paintings that morph into more expensive “art” when I get them framed. And all cannot exceed the dimensions of my luggage. Any specialist out there that can provide guidance?
Also, current TSA regulations limit artwork in your carry-on luggage to less than 4 ounces of paint.
Framing is so expensive! I'm glad I stick to mostly wearables. Even art that I've bought ready to hang with good intentions is likely in a pile under said wearables in a spare bedroom. I'm the worst.
If the U.S. is determined to be the schoolyard bully of the Western Hemisphere, why mess around with Greenland or Canada? Better to annex Mexico. Otherwise, the Russians and Chinese will end up plundering its margarita reserves and what then? We’ll have the Russians and Chinese on our doorstep - unable to find the keys or remember how they got there.
A margarita toast to the funnest column on Substack. BTW, was the stack of hats on that guy glued together, or truly piled high?
Sir, I'd like the green one underneath the yellow one in the middle.
I did wonder about that... Like what if you want to try a few on?
Without a full length mirror purchases could be precarious.
"Sorry, this is actually one hat -- called the Barry Bonnet -- newest look in Mexico."
Don't let Gene Weingarten know you wrote that!
The article has been fact checked by me. Dave was not making this up. Hence, traveling as a trusted journalist who continues to report the truth and nothing but the truth so help him Bobs, we are confident that Dave and his staff (Michelle -- photographer, trip planner) will not get audited by the three remaining IRS employees.
Thanks, old roomie.
But but but the 80,000 new IRS agents need something to do!
Best name for a rock band: The Wiggles. Well, technically, they're not a rock band, but whatever. I'm hoping they'll do the Super Bowl halftime show one day. We could all use a little Wiggle right now.
Exactly, but without bs political commentary by clueless entertainers! Not possible.
True. IMHO, greatest halftime show of all time: Prince, hands down. Worst: every other one of them, where it went from a “concert” to some uber-choreographed, doesn’t-belong-on-a-football field attempt at performance art or deep statement, with a pit of goofy “fans” that would cheer no differently at a Wiggles show. Just sayin’.
You didn't like Elvis Presto?
Ehhh, no.
Cold Spaghetti! Cold Spaghetti!
The Federal Duck is a frightening bird. It has bright orange feathers that sit uneasily on the bird, for which reason it often wears a red MAQA (Make America Quack Again--the HHS slogan) hat covering the feathers. It quacks on Quack Social (the official account of HHS) up to 98 times a night and spends the day mostly asleep.
As a Federal Duck scholar, I can confirm this is an accurate field guide entry. The species is also known for aggressive territorial displays and an unusual molting pattern that requires constant grooming by sycophantic waterfowl.
The Oregon Ducks are their state team.
Hmm.. are Oregon Ducks better than the cross state rivals the Oregon Beavers? (Yes, Oregon also has a college of Beavers although it is a mixed gender institution.) my family has had spirited debates about this topic. And, fun fact, many years ago, there was an effort by some on the Duck campus to retire the Duck and elevate the Banana Slug as the school mascot. I think “The Banana Slugs” would make a great name for a band.
They (banana slugs) are the mascot of UC, Santa Cruz, sports teams. They are also terrifyingly shaped bullets
I thought you were kidding! But no, it's Sammy the Slug!
Oh, this is excellent. I mean, aside from what you're really saying, "sit(s) uneasily on the bird" will, I suspect, find its way into my own lingo. As in: "Everyone knows the President can't take a joke. He really sits uneasily on the bird."
This was absolutely lovely.
I enjoy all your writing, but the one thing I’d really love is for you to open up a bit more in a memoir. Your humor alone is great, but when you mix it with a little drama and tragedy — divorces and deaths and detached retinas and whatnot — it can become transcendent.
Just my 2/16th MXNs!
Dave published it last year: “Confessions of an Axe Murderer.” No wait, it’s called: Class Clown: the Memoirs of a Professional Wiseass.” I have a signed copy!!
Me too! Mine sits on my shelf judging all the other unsigned peasant books around it. Professional wiseassery is clearly a legitimate life path—we have DOCUMENTATION.
Is everyone here a professional or do we have skilled amateur wiseasses?
I believe the official designation is 'Certified Wiseass (CW)' for those of us with signed documentation, and 'Wiseass-in-Training' for skilled amateurs. We're very serious about our credentialing process. Although I think it's less about credentials and more about commitment to the craft. Though having Dave Barry's signature does add a certain 'I studied under a master' energy.
I know, I read that and enjoyed it a lot! But it did kind of pointedly skip over the many of the most interesting parts of his life. Or at least the most complicated.
Well within his rights as author and I assume the considerations of loved ones were taken into account, but it does limit things. I’m thinking of the original fatherhood column that launched him, or how he was able to write about his parents in Class Clown since they’re not around. I haven’t read it in years but the Hiroshima piece was moving as I recall too.
Again, these 2¢ can be discounted 1/16th.
By the way, I wrote a review of Dave's Memoir book tour last year: https://merrycatholic.substack.com/p/the-funniest-man-in-america
He does have a memoir
And it is moving as well as funny. I practically inhaled it.
"Whenever my wife and I go for a walk, I hold her hand. If I let go, she'll shop."
-- Henny Youngman
Dave, if you lived in an area of the country that is above sea level, you would have the basement to store not only the cute souvenirs, but old rickety kitchen utensils ( the kids may need it, despite all of them living successfully without them in their current apartments) and all the treasures from estate sales (which translated means “this item goes for 10 times what they are asking on eBay. We have to buy it, so our wealth can be stored in the basement as old stuff with some vague worth that we will never sell and realize the value anyway. )
So you've been to my house. Have we met?
Q: Was everyone who voted for “Federal Duck” trying to suck up to Dave? A: seriously?
It's not sucking up; it's just like visiting one's... oh, say, one's Great-Aunt Stephanie: she hands you a glass filled to the brim with her favorite sherry and points to the two paintings on the wall. "My best friend and I are taking oil painting at the Senior Center -- she did the one on the left and mine is the one on the right. Which do you like better?"
You sip your sherry. You go through the motions of studying both paintings, then break out in a big grin. "Oh, Steph!" you say. "I can't remember which one you said is yours, but the one on the right shows a MUCH better grasp of the basics of portraiture!"
Stephanie sips her own sherry, gives you a bit of the hairy eyeball she's famous for. Her lip curls as she says, "It's a landscape, not a goddam portrait."
So, like that.
John, you are The First Person who has used the "hairy eyeball" expression since I left NY in 1974! So refreshing -- thanks!!
Do you know of the Google Ngram Viewer? It lets you track the frequency of occurrence of a phrase (or compare the frequencies of more than one phrase), over time, in all the texts (books, newspapers, magazines) which Google has scoured, going back a few hundred years if you'd like. I just tried it out on the phrase "hairy eyeball," during the years from 1890-2010:
https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=hairy+eyeball&year_start=1890&year_end=2010&corpus=en&smoothing=3&case_insensitive=true
As you can see there, it did indeed start to percolate upwards into popular (?) usage in the early 1970s. But it's taken off quite a bit since about 1990 or so -- you were a man ahead of your time!
You can even drill down further to see some examples of the usage. I found this one, from "PS, the Preventive Maintenance Monthly" (Feb. 1970), by Will Eisner:
https://www.google.com/books/edition/PS_the_Preventive_Maintenance_Monthly/2XCRrXNxKZkC?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA2&printsec=frontcover
It says, "Look your mortars over with a hairy eyeball before the inspectors come around."
Thanks, this is fascinating! PS - I'm a woman ahead of my time, and through 3/4 of a century have known only 1 other female Randall :-)
Well, goddam, now I am embarrassed! When I was typing that phrase, I consciously looked back at your handle to be sure the gender-specific common phrase wouldn't be out of place… so much for my discernment!
PS: and you are the first female Randall I've ever encountered, also after ¾ of a century!
The other names suck.
Many of the streets of dahntahn Pittsburgh are still paved with cobblestones, especially those that once had trolley tracks. Cobblestones were laid along the cars' right-of-way. They are an absolute delight for both bicyclists and motorcyclists.
Those streets are great, especially if you have any annoying loose fillings you're hoping will fall out completely. Maybe our streets can entice Dave and Michelle to visit, along with their friends. We do have margaritas AND Iron City!
As a kid in Philly, I took the trolley from Mount Airy to school in Germantown and back everyday; the streets were cobblestoned, as well (cobblestones are a lot less hazardous to children as compared to older folk). Thinking back, it was rather quaint. Now, they’ve torn up the stones, gotten rid of the trolleys and replaced them with buses. Boring.
I remember the trolley, forgot about about cobblestones. For my money, Prague has the most annoying cobblestoned streets, because of a) sidewalks being too narrow and b) Pivo, which is how the Czechs say "Beer"
But it's EXCELLENT beer.
Verily, it is, which contributes to the well-known wobbly-legs side-effect, which makes those cobbles even more tricky to navigate.
😅
Very lovely tale of 4 hombres who have stayed close since LBJ was president. Unfortunate coincidence that you had to go to sunny Mexico the same time temperatures dropped into the HIGH THIRTIES in South Florida. (Which sound pretty nice here in single-digit Connecticut!)
MerryCatholic.substack.com