312 Comments
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Tom's avatar

I would comment, but I have no thoughts.

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WJ Hayes's avatar

Hmmmm

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Tom!'s avatar

I’m not sure how I feel about this column — let me send it to my wife and see.

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Guy White's avatar

Are “Tom” and “Tom!” The same person? Are they experiencing a relationship recession?

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Janet Kaplan's avatar

I'm a woman, and I agree with Glenn.

I also think Bacterial Spores would be a good band name. Also, Snow Tires in the Living Room would be their first #1 country song.

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Several of my brothers were in a band called “The Partcles,” but they dissolved.

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Lynn Conchado's avatar

Yeah, the perfect Christmas carol title!

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Alan Hays's avatar

Lawnmower & Broom has a kind of Guns n' Roses feel to it as well.

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Susie's avatar

Well done!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

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Laura Fissinger's avatar

Excellent, Janet! If you need a co-writer on “Snow Tires”, please give me an audition.

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Janet Kaplan's avatar

We could do a Bernie and Elton. I'll write the lyrics and you do the melody 😁

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Steve's avatar
6dEdited

I’m more impressed that “celebrated American portrait photographer” Annie Leibovitz actually found time in her busy schedule of taking celebrated American portrait photographs to take a probably not too celebrated American portrait photograph of you and your friends.

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Garett Auriemma's avatar

Glad I wasn’t the only one who caught that. She has obviously moved into the burgeoning field of iPhone portraiture. I expect to see this photo on the cover of Rolling Stone next month.

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

How to say you've been photo'd by a famous photog without actually SAYING you've been so honored.

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Mary Bowman's avatar

That’s humble Dave.

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Hannah olufs's avatar

I caught that too.

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Laura Fissinger's avatar

Me three.

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Alan Hays's avatar

I thought that too. It doesn't change how I feel about Dave and Co., but I am reassessing how much gravitas Annie has.

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Shama Bole's avatar

I did not catch that! You folks are so sharp

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Steve's avatar

I’m sharp as nails.

Fingernails. Nails nonetheless.

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Steve's avatar

Sweet dog 🐶 ❤️

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Carol Spiegel's avatar

I have long attributed these differences you describe between men and women to mens’ “broken chromosome:” if you break a piece off an X, you get a Y. There’s an awful lot lost on that missing piece.

Need I say I’m a woman?

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DrBDH's avatar

As a retired physician, I can assure you that the genes missing from the Y chromosome are the ones that tell you when to go to the doctor. Lucky men have women in their lives who do that for them. Call it “man saving.”

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Jim Sylvester's avatar

As an ER physician, I have frequently conveyed the following important lesson to my support staff: "If a male patient over 50 checks in by saying, 'I just haven't felt right for the past few days', you have, at most, 90 minutes to save his life."

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DrBDH's avatar

If a physician, 30 minutes.

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Cullen Covington-Hicks's avatar

Also my experience.

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Lynn Again's avatar

OMG that is so true! My 50 year old husband had not seen his doctor for a routine checkup in over 10 years. I finally just made an appointment for him and told him when to go. Upon completing the intimate exam men don't like a mass was found. I am not making this up...biopsy revealed a high grade prostate cancer. Since he had not produced any "spores for survival" I mankept/mansaved his life.

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Natasha's avatar

I can’t get it to work. Or convince him to actually tell the doctor anything, such as he can barely walk because his knees are so bad.

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Mary Roeser's avatar

That is the absolute Gospel truth.

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

"Did you call your (Mom, son, daughter, Dad, dentist . . . )?" Yep.

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

Men follow us to parties and such, have a great time, say "Hey, we should do this more often!" and never lift a finger to a phone to make that happen. Unless it's for the precision lawn mower team.

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Maybe that’s what’s wrong with “X,” formerly known as Twitter.

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Cindy Jacobs's avatar

I've been saying that for years! IT'S SCIENCE! 😂

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Kate Jones's avatar

I have no time for mankeeping. I need to buy more shoes.

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Linda Brown's avatar

I only have 5 pairs of shoes but need more books. There's a great one by Dr. Terry Real entitled "I Don't Want to Talk About It' about male depression. Had to buy it because my partner doesn't want to talk about it.

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

Shoes!!!! (walks distractedly toward Nordstrom)

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DrBDH's avatar

That’s what female zombies cry as they stagger around derelict shopping malls.

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Downtown Portland Nordstrom leaving town. A tragedy.

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

Oh no! That is very sad!

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Especially as a sign of the health of the downtown.

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Bill Dunn's avatar

I have some very strong thoughts about this topic. However, my wife just left the house, so I'll have to wait until she returns to find out what they are. But be assured, they will be STRONG thoughts!

MerryCatholic.substack.com

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Isn’t “Merry Catholic” an oxymoron?

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Bill Dunn's avatar

Oh no, not at all. As long as you take Jesus real seriously, and pompous clergy not so much!

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Nope. It isn't.

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Adrienne Foster-Bexley's avatar

This is the best $5, I spend every month. And, I love you (Dave), your wife, daughter, mother-in-law, all your friends and associates. Plus, all of your dogs (past and present0, including any loaner dogs you have used on vacation.

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Dave Barry's avatar

We all love you back.

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MLMinET's avatar
5dEdited

Along with his emergency back up dogs, of course.

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Adrienne Foster-Bexley's avatar

And, since I'm old and obviously forgot, I love his son (from the movie 'Big Trouble') and any grandchildren, too

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Gregory Dunn's avatar

Dave, while most of this is true, I must say that not all men’s cingulate gyrus is filled with NFL highlights. For some of us, it is filled with NHL highlights. The fight at the nine second mark of the first period of the US/Canada game in the Four Nations Tournament alone takes up considerable bandwidth.

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Cheryl Olin's avatar

I sincerely admire the athleticism and stupidity required to be a successful Lawn Ranger.

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Dave Barry's avatar

You have no idea.

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

You've written about this team before, I had no idea the troupe lived on!! Although the term "precision" is being used as loosely as the skin beneath my chin, I am still delighted with the video presentation! Were you ever part of the briefcase precision team?

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Jim Segal's avatar

Once again, a bright and hilarious piece of whimsy to make me laugh from my belly and distract me from the terrifying and ugly dumpster fire that Drumpf has created. Thank you and I hope you live forever.

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Cheryl Olin's avatar

I agree, we all need such distraction.

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Rich Feldman's avatar

I really have no feelings about this piece other than taking offense to being called a lazy pig which is a disservice to bacon.

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Rich Feldman's avatar

Here's living proof that you never know where an idea will come from ... inspired by this chat ...

todaysmuse.substack.com/p/the-cult-of-bacon

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SnarfyNewcomerOpinesBasically's avatar

I;m afraid I misread "male friendships are more like the organisms " and boy was I confused by it.

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Mary Bowman's avatar

At least dirty-minded AI didn’t feel obliged to change “organisms” to something more suggestive.

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Linda Brown's avatar

It didn't? Must be a female chatbot. Mine keeps flickering back and forth so uncommitted.

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Shama Bole's avatar

hahahaha

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Pat Wagner's avatar

My husband, an actual genius, is a warm, loving man. And, the first time we went to his mom's house in another state - over 45 years ago - to meet his sister and Mom, he cornered me in the guest room as we were unpacking and confessed he had forgotten that it was Christmas and had not bought his sister and Mom presents. (I happen to be Jewish, but I can read a calendar with the best of them.)

I told him to look under the tree, where he found the presents to his family members...from him. I knew he would forget - poster boy for the absent-minded professor that he is. And I stepped up rather than nag him. He was amazed, like I had violated some law of physics. I eventually trained him, and, over time, he has become very competent at gift-giving. And he remembers birthdays and holidays, most of the time.

But, he makes our bed every morning and turns down my side like the fancy hotel folks do, does the dishes every day without being asked, deals with our city's color-coded trash/compost/recycling system, monitors car care, oversees the five computers we live with, runs errands, accompanies me to every doctor's appointment, and last night, made a splendid fruit salad for dessert. And no, we are not celibate.

In my head, I am trying not to be condescending to the academic who wrote the paper about mankeeping, but I keep ping-ponging between "Grow Up" and...well, "Grow Up."

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Have you ever thought about opening a "Rent-My-Guy" franchise?

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Pat Wagner's avatar

I don't share. And it cost me a lot of time and effort over decades. He already knows that if he tries to leave me for a younger woman she will have to reimburse me for all of the work I invested in him. It's up to about 1.5 million USD. Currently.

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Mark Runacres's avatar

Is your husband free for play dates?

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Pat Wagner's avatar

I will tell him. He will be flattered.

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Mary Wyatt's avatar

I have been much happier as I entered my 60s and decided to live by the motto IDGAF. Dusty tables? IDGAF. Grungy shower? IDGAF. Your feelings are hurt? IDGAF. See? It works for everything!

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Bill Dunn's avatar

Does that mean “I Didn’t Grope Arlene Francis”? (which I think at least 3 US presidents vehemently insisted).

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Mary Wyatt's avatar

100%

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Bill Dunn's avatar

I’m sorry to report that I’m old enough to actually know who Arlene Francis was.

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Mary Wyatt's avatar

I remember Arlene and her extensive muumuu collection from What’s My Line

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Toddy McClain's avatar

Was it muumuus or caftans?

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Moi aussi🥲

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Absolutely! I am working my way up to ignoring dusty tables and other pieces of furniture.

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Linda Brown's avatar

That's what I love about Substack. All the support I need for not cleaning house.

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Why in the world would we listen to our dust-perceiving consciences?

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Mary Wyatt's avatar

I feel the need to point out that my grandma’s maiden name was Mary Anne Bowman

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Mary Bowman's avatar

Cool! I married this surname. “Maiden” name was Vermilya, a lot more unusual.

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Cullen Covington-Hicks's avatar

Once I asked my husband, during one of his extended silent "thought reveries," what he was thinking about. He said and I quote: "Chicken Wire." We will be married 50 years in October and though it took me some time, I now believe him.

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