186 Comments
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Moe C.'s avatar

I do not refrigerate my ketchup and mustard, but I do maintain strict control of their expiration dates by stirring the little packets in my glove box from time to time.

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Adrienne Foster-Bexley's avatar

However, they will explode, from time to time, in the Florida heat, when left in the 'glove box'; if you have a refrigerated 'glove box', you will probably be OK.

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Bill Dunn's avatar

It's sad to contemplate that for many Americans, this is last morning they will possess all 10 fingers.

Have fun, but be safe! (Holy cow, I've turned into my father!)

MerryCatholic.substack.com

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Lee Neulicht's avatar

Fortunate to live in a very red state where many of the same men holding lit fireworks were born with additional digits.

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

Haha 🤣 hysterical.

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Dale of Green Gables's avatar

Ha ha Earthling. Only ten eh?

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Bill Dunn's avatar

It was more before July 4th last year!

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Joyce Wolff's avatar

I was so depressed this morning when I woke up; worrying about the future of our country. And then I read Dave’s column today and laughed out loud. I feel much better. I can carry on, remembering that a sense of humor is imperative. I am a new subscriber And look forward to your every offering.

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Dave Barry's avatar

Thanks, ands welcome!

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Hannah Olufs's avatar

I didn't get no stinkin' welcome when I started just handing money over.

Just sayin'.

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Dave Barry's avatar

You are also welcome!

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Shari Pattillo's avatar

I became a subscriber just now, just because of this column. Because I, too, needed it this morning 😌

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Audrey Eve's avatar

I'm with you there, Joyce. Humor is the very key to survival! And, we're lucky enough to receive these gems from Dave Barry!

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Tim Gee's avatar
6dEdited

A useful Italian phrase in this chaotic situation (and Italians have a vast experience in chaos) is «tiro avanti»…I’m pressing ahead…prn

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Grammy Kat's avatar

Here! Here! Ms. Joyce. My sentiments exactly. And in the words of the GOAT, Bruce Willis, "Yippee Ki-Yay, MoFos!" Morons Are Governing America. Not celebrating today.

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Barbara Brady's avatar

I keep the ketchup and mustard in the fridge for a good reason: I have more room in the fridge than in the cabinets.

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Celeste Hardway's avatar

I came here to say this!

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Javier Mixco's avatar

Dave, be honest … you live in Florida for the content ideas don’t you?

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Toddy McClain's avatar

No, he can go to Amazon for content ideas.

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Robot Bender's avatar

Or Walmart.

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Tracy Montgomery's avatar

Or County Mayo in the old country.

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Hope's avatar

I refrigerate my condiments to keep my countertops free for other essential kitchen tools such as the George Foreman Grill, an air fryer (I like my air extra crispy), a toaster oven, a coffee maker, and a blender. I could go on & on. A bread machine, an Instant Pot, a can opener, a food processor ...

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Patricia Danaher's avatar

Cracked me up! With every new gadget, everyone tells says it’s life changing. Somehow I’m surviving without any of that. I think the blender is in the linen closet actually.

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Susie's avatar

I like my air extra crispy! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Laura Fissinger's avatar

Especially in New York. Or LA?

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Christina Johnson's avatar

Priceless!

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STMurray's avatar

I am now eagerly waiting for Mayonnaise Week on the Discovery Channel.

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Wis's avatar

(This is *hilarious* - where would it be filmed? In or out of the fridge? In the supermarket aisle? Where is mayo‘s natural habitat, I wonder.)

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Lynn Again's avatar

Perhaps victims of mayonnaise caught on audio in outhouses?

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Wis's avatar

Oh, ick... I'd rather see a shark victim...

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Lynne Larkin's avatar

It’s in the salmon mousse.

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Marian Lang's avatar

We recently paid $8.99 for a jar of hellman's

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Wis's avatar

“Vaguely Wrong” would be a good name for a band.

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Wis's avatar

Oh- so would “Severe Burlap Allergy”.

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Laura Fissinger's avatar

Yes!!

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Laura Fissinger's avatar

Sign me up.

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Hannah Olufs's avatar

When I moved to the state of, let's call it Washington, there was a serious movement to make Louie, Louie the state song.

I kid you not.

It's 4:42AM and some idiot is setting off fireworks, illegally of course.

I was awakened I guess by fireworks or to read this.

At least this was amusing.

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susan jensen's avatar

It was too hard to get a marmot (state mammal) to square dance to Louie, Louie. Other than that, it was a great idea. Time for a comeback campaign.

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Vikie's avatar

I’m from Washington. That marmot was right! We should pass a law against square dancing to Louie Louie!

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Joseph Harari's avatar

I live here, as well. Is it really “ me gotta go “ and not “we gotta go” ? Easterners will look down on us.

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Hannah Olufs's avatar

There's only*me*.

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Hannah Olufs's avatar

I look down on us. Well, I did when I moved here and , you know.

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Annie WhereButHere's avatar

It’s the other way around - Florida formed around Dave to provide him content.

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Susan Bodiker's avatar

No doubt the White House is preparing an EO banning the use of cursive right now!

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Roger Beal's avatar

There are new tariffs on fountain pens and quills, to be announced later today.

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Michael Nash's avatar

Thanks, Dave. Just, “thanks.”

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Trix Niernberger's avatar

Just shared your post. Loved your memoir. For the record, I do like Impossible Burgers. We are going to the Berlin (NY) parade with every firetruck in the county. God help anyone who has a fire this morning.

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STMurray's avatar

Having attended the Berlin, NY 4th of July parade, please post the count of the number of men who jump off a parade vehicle to buy beer at the “Hotel”, before climbing back on to continue the parade.

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Trix Niernberger's avatar

According to my count, there were several walking politicians, 22 fire & rescue trucks, a few floats with prize designations, 8 antique tractors, a giant cement mixer, 2 horses, and a huge vehicle that we could not identify. Sorry to say, the hotel that turned into a bar, is no longer. The weather was spectacular. You should have been there. Definitely a life highlight.

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Trix Niernberger's avatar

Oh, I forgot the boat. With a roll bar.

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Trix Niernberger's avatar

I hate to keep responding, STMurray, but we happened to drive by that x-hotel today and it had an open sign. It is a restaurant now. Fish and chips $17. And that is the latest news from Berlin, NY, population 2,012, which beats Petersburgh next door, where I live, pop 1,372.

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Clay Morgan's avatar

Dave, it was you who freed me from the tyranny of refrigerating condiments, lo some years ago. Told my wife I couldn't marry her if she needed ketchup in fridge. I think of you every time I confront some clueless person who still thinks ketchup should be cold. "Mom," I'll say, "How many times have we talked about this?! Do your research from a Pulitzer winning writer." But apparently you lack "credibility" and it wasn't verified by "Fox News" so now I'm shunned. Another victory for the big refrigerated condiment lobby.

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Susie's avatar

“Another victory for the big refrigerated condiment lobby!” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Carol Quantock's avatar

After many, many years, my husband has finally figured out how not to turn my grilled burgers into objects in demand by the NHL. I don't care if he likes them so dry and black that they look like they just came out of Mario Lemieux's trophy case, but mine need to be edible. With unrefrigerated ketchup, lettuce, and tomato. No mustard, ever, on burgers!

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Natasha's avatar

Hey, after all these years, I realized what is the key to Dave’s humor: the non-sequitur! (Seriously, phone, is this how it’s spelled? But I digress) Start each sentence with one idea and flip to another! I laugh every time! Every, single time. Even in cursive!

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Dave Barry's avatar

Don't tell anyone!

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Laura Fissinger's avatar

Not only am I reading “Class Clown”, I’m also reading “Bad Songs”. I’m a former music journalist, so you can imagine my brain exploding with things to add to the latter.

Both books make me think and laugh. Grateful me.

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Natasha's avatar

I mean, starting a paragraph with one idea and ending with another, just par for the course. But every sentence? Masterful.

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