That's what I was thinking, too. But still, 20 different things to be grateful for in two days is a lot. I would have to start listing individual M&M candies.
"The 8th non-peanut M&M from the first bag I opened in the afternoon of May 16, 2002": yeah. I can see that might work. You, sir, are a billionaire in the making!
There ya go. That would cover a few days. Then we could do our favorite muffins, then pastries, then pies, then beers, old TV sitcoms, Mel Brooks movies... Man, a sense of deep gratitude is welling within as I type!
Don't be silly. They are saving their billions to buy more helicopters. No, they ask ChatGPT to come up with gratitudes, and it delivers. ChatGPT also brings the bathroom to them.
Had your husband discovered sliced bread baking before the Iowa jeweler Otto Rohwedder did in 1930, you’d be billionaire Mary Berry with your own low earth orbit rocket. The Bezoians and Barryatrics would be your Florida compound neighbors.
You make me very curious to learn about the other nine items Dave released. As , hopefully, his multiple visits to the bathroom have nothing to do with it.
I have the utmost respect for you Dave. You shamelessly admit you used the Bezos to begin your substack because you just wanted to post the peacock sex video. In retrospect, I think (because your writing is so flawlessly executed) that the tie in was the exercise/steps you and Michelle get -- which you do without a personal trainer-- so impressive! You then pivoted to the romantic video where the male peacock spends time looking lovingly at the garage door after he is spent by two arduous seconds of sex. Thank you for your refreshing candor and for the sex video, it reminded me of my dear ex-husband.
I never realized a person's net worth correlates directly with bathroom visits. That explains why my financial advisor just told me I can retire today and be quite comfortable ... as long as I die by September.
Dave, At a certain age, the bathroom process usually begins around 2:15 AM and again at 3:45 AM and culminates with a sit down session around 7:30 AM if the newspaper is delivered early enough.
Do you think the Bezoses count each of their individual visits to the bathroom as a reason for gratitude? Maybe it Is a source of arguments, as in:
Lauren: “Jeffy baby, you didn’t go 5 times! It was only 4, so you have to find another gratitude for your list this morning! No! I MEAN IT!”
Jeffrey (in a whining tone: “Lauren, baby. Do I need to, really? I’m the richest man in the world, for my height! (Author note: And richest by hair count! :D)”
I had a hip replaced in early March. The surgeon told me she wanted me -- once the incision healed and I ran out of Oxys -- to increase my average daily step count each week, using a walker first, graduating to a cane, and so on. That's when I learned that the FitBit apparently does not count actual steps, but counts "arm swings" as if they were steps. While using the walker I'd have accumulated, like, 75 steps by bedtime -- because my arm didn't move as I walked. And if using the cane while grocery shopping, I'd have to hang the cane on the shopping cart and push with just the non-FitBit hand, while the FitBitten (?) one flopped uselessly alongside. Wild.
(laughing -- I've gotta remember that... if I wear pajama bottoms to bed, with the FitBit in the pocket, I bet I could accumulate steps overnight)
Hip seems to be coming along decently. Had a couple setbacks along the way -- especially by trying to do too many things too suddenly, or just trying to do ONE thing spectacularly wrongly. Thanks for asking!
I had it too a year and a half ago, be sure you do your exercises every day and massage your incision. And by exercise exercises I don’t mean sitting in the chair waving your arms. I mean doing clamshells! Ask if you don’t know what that means!😊
I had no idea, but just looked it up. I can see they'd be helpful! - thanks for the tip!
(Incision is now healed by the way. At this point, all I'm focusing on is trying to improve some lingering flexibility and strength issues. Have a PT appointment this week about them... I'll ask specifically about the clamshells. 😉)
Good luck, sounds like you’re making progress. It’s a long struggle but a year and a half later I’m doing pretty well but I still have some lingering weakness in That hip. And I work out five days a week!
I discovered when riding my horse that my fitbit counts my horse's steps. Since a horse has 4 legs, I was getting 30,000 steps a day. I admit now my horse calls me a cheater every time I mount up.
That reminds me of what Aerobics guru/doctor Kenneth Cooper said (well, reported in one of his books) when asked how many aerobic fitness points (the questioner) earned when he rode a horse. He replied, “None. But give the horse a bunch!” 😳
Hats off to the New York Times for breaking the story about the Bezoses morning routine. The Washington Post might have gotten the scoop, but they couldn’t afford to send a reporter to Miami. Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Bezos are just grateful that they aren’t trillionaires, because then they’d have to list a hundred things to be grateful for every morning.
Umm, clearly Bruce Wayne is always bad mouthing Batman every chance he gets! Surely you don't believe that disproven conspiracy theory that he is Batman, do you?
Well hold on, it says they can’t repeat any *from the day before.* So I assume it really only requires twenty Individual Units of Gratitude, not 7300.
That’s the kind of loophole you exploit to become a billionaire!
That's what I was thinking, too. But still, 20 different things to be grateful for in two days is a lot. I would have to start listing individual M&M candies.
It helps if one of the days can be “list of my ten favorite helicopters you bought me.”
"The 8th non-peanut M&M from the first bag I opened in the afternoon of May 16, 2002": yeah. I can see that might work. You, sir, are a billionaire in the making!
Yes indeed, we have so much to be grateful for! (Or is it, 'So much for which to be grateful'? I dunno, I weren't no English major.)
You may have just summoned Mr. Language Person, another thing for which we are all grateful.
Winston Churchill allegedly wrote, “From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.”
Churchill was so amazing, if there were recordings of him reciting the names in the phone book, I would buy it and listen all day long.
great
Or: That witch should be four, yet muchly full of grate.
I think I would lean into my inner Homer Simpson and list my favorite varieties of donut
There ya go. That would cover a few days. Then we could do our favorite muffins, then pastries, then pies, then beers, old TV sitcoms, Mel Brooks movies... Man, a sense of deep gratitude is welling within as I type!
Greens are best.
Can’t argue with that!
Exactly! I saw this loophole and I’m not even a billionaire.
Exactly! One of their lawyers probably helped them with this!
I would list each one of my gazillion lawyers by name!
That (my misunderstanding of basic 'gratitude' math) is the real reason, I am not a billionaire.
Can I reply to myself? Anyways... they are so rich that they can pay someone to come up with their daily 'gratitudes' (probably not a real word).
Don't be silly. They are saving their billions to buy more helicopters. No, they ask ChatGPT to come up with gratitudes, and it delivers. ChatGPT also brings the bathroom to them.
Of course, you can reply to yourself. I do that all the time (to myself, I mean). Mostly because no one else is listening.
And it minimizes the frequency of arguments.
At my house we could list all the different kinds of flour that now reside in our pantry since my husband discovered bread baking.
Had your husband discovered sliced bread baking before the Iowa jeweler Otto Rohwedder did in 1930, you’d be billionaire Mary Berry with your own low earth orbit rocket. The Bezoians and Barryatrics would be your Florida compound neighbors.
Damn our bad luck
Is it? You’d be living next to a man with a penchant for bird buggery who spends his free time caterwauling in a garage band.
My thought exactly!
My thought exactly, but this made a better column or at least the total expected words.
I am grateful it is Friday morning and Dave has released another post...and nine other items I will not be listing.
You make me very curious to learn about the other nine items Dave released. As , hopefully, his multiple visits to the bathroom have nothing to do with it.
evidently “a competent plastic surgeon” won’t be on the Bezos’ gratitude list…
The plastic surgeon, competency questionable, was listed 1,642 days ago
Ha, ha, HA!
We also do not have a pickle ball court. We do have pickles, so all we have to do is find a ball and a court.
I have the utmost respect for you Dave. You shamelessly admit you used the Bezos to begin your substack because you just wanted to post the peacock sex video. In retrospect, I think (because your writing is so flawlessly executed) that the tie in was the exercise/steps you and Michelle get -- which you do without a personal trainer-- so impressive! You then pivoted to the romantic video where the male peacock spends time looking lovingly at the garage door after he is spent by two arduous seconds of sex. Thank you for your refreshing candor and for the sex video, it reminded me of my dear ex-husband.
I never realized a person's net worth correlates directly with bathroom visits. That explains why my financial advisor just told me I can retire today and be quite comfortable ... as long as I die by September.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
When Lauren Sanchez wants to piss her husband off, she just needs to order from Walmart.
That's the type of fight you can only start if you are a billionaire.
Dave, At a certain age, the bathroom process usually begins around 2:15 AM and again at 3:45 AM and culminates with a sit down session around 7:30 AM if the newspaper is delivered early enough.
Do you think the Bezoses count each of their individual visits to the bathroom as a reason for gratitude? Maybe it Is a source of arguments, as in:
Lauren: “Jeffy baby, you didn’t go 5 times! It was only 4, so you have to find another gratitude for your list this morning! No! I MEAN IT!”
Jeffrey (in a whining tone: “Lauren, baby. Do I need to, really? I’m the richest man in the world, for my height! (Author note: And richest by hair count! :D)”
I am grateful I know a trick to get my Apple Watch to show I have taken steps while still sitting in my recliner with the dog in my lap.
Spill!
I had a hip replaced in early March. The surgeon told me she wanted me -- once the incision healed and I ran out of Oxys -- to increase my average daily step count each week, using a walker first, graduating to a cane, and so on. That's when I learned that the FitBit apparently does not count actual steps, but counts "arm swings" as if they were steps. While using the walker I'd have accumulated, like, 75 steps by bedtime -- because my arm didn't move as I walked. And if using the cane while grocery shopping, I'd have to hang the cane on the shopping cart and push with just the non-FitBit hand, while the FitBitten (?) one flopped uselessly alongside. Wild.
Because my watch doesn’t count steps at the store because of pushing the cart, I started putting my watch in my pocket. Another hack! lol
Hope you are healing well from your hip replacement! Oh, and as for sitting? Arm movement . Lol
(laughing -- I've gotta remember that... if I wear pajama bottoms to bed, with the FitBit in the pocket, I bet I could accumulate steps overnight)
Hip seems to be coming along decently. Had a couple setbacks along the way -- especially by trying to do too many things too suddenly, or just trying to do ONE thing spectacularly wrongly. Thanks for asking!
I had it too a year and a half ago, be sure you do your exercises every day and massage your incision. And by exercise exercises I don’t mean sitting in the chair waving your arms. I mean doing clamshells! Ask if you don’t know what that means!😊
I had no idea, but just looked it up. I can see they'd be helpful! - thanks for the tip!
(Incision is now healed by the way. At this point, all I'm focusing on is trying to improve some lingering flexibility and strength issues. Have a PT appointment this week about them... I'll ask specifically about the clamshells. 😉)
Good luck, sounds like you’re making progress. It’s a long struggle but a year and a half later I’m doing pretty well but I still have some lingering weakness in That hip. And I work out five days a week!
Put it on your ankle.
Or, better yet, when you're in your armchair later, just shake it to the number of steps it felt like.
I discovered when riding my horse that my fitbit counts my horse's steps. Since a horse has 4 legs, I was getting 30,000 steps a day. I admit now my horse calls me a cheater every time I mount up.
I need a horse.
If rocking chairs count steps, then think of the possibilities of a kid's rocking horse.
Someone needs to market horses this way.
Shhh, don’t tell or Apple and the other step trackers will install an update that keeps our hacks from working. lol!
That reminds me of what Aerobics guru/doctor Kenneth Cooper said (well, reported in one of his books) when asked how many aerobic fitness points (the questioner) earned when he rode a horse. He replied, “None. But give the horse a bunch!” 😳
Jockeys are in pretty good shape.
I learned that, if I sit in a rocking chair and rock, my Apple Watch counts each back and forth movement as a step.
Should I ever acquire an Apple Watch, would swinging back & forth in a backyard swing have the same effect?
What if you put it on your dog? Hmmmm
Yes.
Let us know!
Absolutely!
Love that! 😂
I’m grateful none of Mrs. Bezos’ body parts have exploded. Bless her heart.
Or melted!
Flotation devices.
Although if she went into space on her husband's rocket ship, they would certainly expand.
They may have imploded.......
I would be happy to buy her and her husband matching coffee cups that said, Woke Up Arrogant And Entitled As Hell Again This Morning.
If your band were composed of millionaire peacocks, they'd be the Millicocks -- which is not bad. Or better yet, the Cocksuckers.
On a related note, I'm thinking of Botoxing my lips to see if that'll help me achieve billionaire status. Not confident it'll work though.
Botoxing your lips WILL get you a job in Trump's cabinet though!
😆😆😆😆
🤢🤮
From the way that Ms. Bezos was standing, I think she was trying to keep from peeing until the photo shoot was finished.
Plastic surgery can only go so far. At some point, the Bezos duo will look like a million dollars: all green and wrinkled.
Dirty, covered in bacteria and cocaine dust?
Haha!!
Hats off to the New York Times for breaking the story about the Bezoses morning routine. The Washington Post might have gotten the scoop, but they couldn’t afford to send a reporter to Miami. Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Bezos are just grateful that they aren’t trillionaires, because then they’d have to list a hundred things to be grateful for every morning.
Right! And NEVER go to the bathroom.
You didn't put Bruce Wayne up there. He's going to be so offended that you listed his nemesis Batman but not him!
(Rumor has it they're such petty enemies they've never even been in the same room together!)
Well spotted, sir!
Ummm, Batman is Bruce Wayne’s alter ego, not his nemesis.
Umm, clearly Bruce Wayne is always bad mouthing Batman every chance he gets! Surely you don't believe that disproven conspiracy theory that he is Batman, do you?
Please, I'm begging you, Dave, no narwhal sex videos next week.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
And no puns on narwhal horniness, either!
Rather pointed requests, don't you think?
*rimshot*