Let's not be too hasty. The good old homespun voice of good old Ed Herlihy (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Herlihy) could make pretty much ANYTHING sound marginally edible. Lots of examples on YouTube, although I'm still looking for the black-and-white cookies one.
Good question. Only other vegan I know is my wife and we never argue. (See below for this week's bridge special. ) Could be a “tofu" or a “seitan,” but they don't have the same punch.
I work in a thrift store. Last week someone donated, I swear I am not making this up, a "vegan" purse. It has a tag indicating that it is guaranteed vegan by PETA.
Vegan leather goes by a couple of other names, like “vinyl “ and “plastic” and “poly-something-o-thing.” It is also used to make scrapple, liver loaf and ipecac.
At least you have fewer impulses to consume that “vegan” purse, right? A leather purse, especially if it has those little brand gew-gaws hung on it is certainly more appetizing to most of us non-vegans. Now, I saw vegan shoes and immediately wondered if the dogs would find those less appealing than normal leather shoes. Especially those shoes that teenaged boys have worn lately. Anyone have any scientific experiments about this?
The display in the photograph depicts a famous but disturbing story from the history of Christmas. One year, crossing the mountains in a snowstorm and facing a shortage of oxygen in the atmosphere, a reindeer went rogue and saved itself by taking the air from Inflatable Santa and Inflatable Grinch. This is known as The Donner Party.
Speaking of survivors, one of the Donner Party survivors later opened a restaurant. That gives me the willies. "No thanks, I don't want today's special with fava beans and a nice chianti."
The "about 20 servings" lie on snack boxes is the food industry's greatest con. That's not a serving size, that's a suggested starting point before the shame spiral begins.
Have you noticed on pint cartons of ice cream (Ben & Jerry's, for example) they now have calories per serving and calories for the whole carton? How dare they!! There is some information I simply do not want to know.
Exactamundo! Those lyin' bastids of the food industry and their con. They well know that there is ONE SERVING PER CONTAINER. Even if it's a 55-gallon drum. One serving. Boom.
Your point about climate change Dave may actually be valid: if you eat too much junk you're sure to expel greenhouse gases. Well, maybe not greenhouse.
I still miss the Magical Diet Potato Chips that contained olestra. It was so fun having a foodstuff that actually had the phrase “loose stools” right on the bag. My husband, Mr. Crumpacker, calls it entertainment food. “The gift that keeps on giving. Dinner AND a show!”
I, like many Midwesterners, get their daily 50,000 steps in quite easily: by walking back and forth, up and down their driveways shoveling snow. What I’d like to know is how, if we weigh ourselves immediately afterwards, can we be gaining weight? Don’t tell me it’s the Beer and Cheese table in the garage we stop at ever so often to refuel during shoveling. It has to be something else.
The old Looney Tunes used to depict people on frozen surfaces with their arms and legs pinwheeling -- blurring into these translucent gray circles. I bet those 'toons lost weight even faster. Hmm. A new exercise regimen for Midwesterners?
Great, as always. However, for those of us who live in northern NY State where the temperature has been between below zero to below freezing for the last week and we are wearing about 57 layers of clothing inside our houses, calories are used by shaking as we type notes to Dave Barry. :-)
I must add that this piece made my soul honk in recognition. The holidays aren’t about joy; they’re about pretending “Family Size” is a friendly suggestion and then wandering the earth seeking pants that still button. Thank you for ministering to the masses.
I would also be remiss in not making a shoutout to Anna Gasteyer for not only the best Christmas carol of the decade, but like you, indicating true priorities of the holidays. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6Pf2jOWMx4
I remember pants with button…not that I own any. Most of the buttons are scattered in parking lots after they flew off while I was attempting to get out of the car. And, love the “Soul honk” bit. I may have to steal it.
Your mentioning Golden Corral's salad bars reminds me why I haven't eaten at that chain in years -- ever since learning that the panes of Plexiglas over the ingredients are called "sneeze guards." Thereafter, I kept imagining a conversation around the salad bar punctuated with small talk like, "What kind of dressing you gonna pick?"
It would have to be RANCH dressing, which, like most delicious food, is laden with fats and sugars. At my house, it is slathered onto pizza 🍕 crusts to prolong the pleasure of a meat lover’s double cheese pizza. With Diet RC Cola. And a Moon Pie.
But I did discover in the pantry her Hershey's chocolate bars stash.
(Aside: "Hershey’s officially dropped its Dubai chocolate bar on December 4, 2025. It costs $8.99...Only 10,000 bars exist worldwide...People lucky enough to get their hands on the bars have already started reselling them online on eBay for $100!")
I suspect there are other companies that have products with Dubai chocolate? I have never tasted it.
As I was leaving the Dubai airport, I stopped at a kiosk and bought a milk chocolate bar that was made with camels milk. Their tagline was “it’s cameliscous!”
I wonder how you milk a camel? I also wonder what the milker does to remove all the spit a camel lets fly when it’s not enjoying the procedure—which I would guess is every single time.
😅. It’s still made by Hersheys - it’s just an expensive Hershey bar that they claim has special chocolate, I suspect. Nothing ‘Dubai’ about it, except perhaps where the wrapper was printed.
It is a well known fact that the broken cookies, crackers, etc have no calories. Also, if you eat cake or pie (or any of the dessert food group items) that have lost corners or are not cut straight, those have no calories. Further, and I believe this has been scientifically proven, that if you leave 2 bites of whatever on your plate, none of the calories count. So by the extrapolation principle of science, if you were to put two bites of cabbage ( and I think Brussels sprouts qualify) on your plate and not eat them, you also achieve zero calorie consumption. Now I’m curious if you consumed say, two bites of cabbage, whatever else is loaded on the plate, and left 2 bites of cabbage, would you achieve net negative overall calories? Just curious and asking for a friend.
😅Given the assertions in the scientific research you reference, absolutely!! Indeed, assuming your (friend’s) lovely hypothesis is true (which I do not doubt), if we manage our plate portions and eating strategies correctly, we can lead our entire lifetimes with no caloric intake at all. We’d probably have to eat a granola bar now and then (a whole one), just to avoid the need to weld anvils to our feet like in that picture; but I like your (friend’s) thinking! Tell me when your friend’s paper gets published. I’d love to read it and share it with mom!
Dave, you should host one of those interactive live videos that Substack is promoting now. Based on the comments each Friday, your subscribers are quite entertaining ... even more so if they forget to take their meds.
Dave - I'm as confused by serving size "suggestions" as you are. I do not understand how more than one serving of ice cream exists in ANY container of it. And I think it's cruel that the smaller the container (I'm looking at you Ben & Jerry, and Mr. Haagen Daz), the more the calories. It's like they are trying to trick us into thinking, "I can eat TWO small containers if I squint really hard and don't look at the calories on the side and maybe even LOSE weight."
Yes, I concur, very confusing. I was trying to lose weight one summer and part of that "diet" was eating a container of Häagen-Dazs Coffee Ice Cream for lunch. It was the small container. I never thought to look at the calories!
I am late to this discussion but given the ice cream subject matter, I just have to tell you that there is a fabulous small container ice cream out of California called “Eureka Lemon and Marion Berry”. The name alone is fun. But I think Eureka is a town in California. And while there’s a Marion Massachusetts which attracted me in the first place, where I live, it turns out the Marion Berry was hybridized at the University of Oregon, a cross between blackberry and a raspberry. Of course none of this relates to the disgraced mayor of DC!
There is another explanation as to why cabbage-eating Tim weighs less than Tom: whenever I eat cabbage, I always evacuate profusely: three or four flushes per session, six to eight sessions per day for two or three days. At that rate, I've evacuated not only whatever I ingested but also some internal organs as well; I can attest to watching my pancreas and pituitary gland (or what looks like my pituitary gland) disappear in the porcelain whirlpool.
I'm told that fasting is the best route to losing weight. To me that means eating mac and cheese and black and white cookies faster than I did before.
Rich, are the black and white cookies mixed in with the mac and cheese, or are they a side dish? Asking for a friend.
Definitely not. Kraft would not approve.
Well, I'm adventurous. Um, I mean, my friend is.
Let's not be too hasty. The good old homespun voice of good old Ed Herlihy (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Herlihy) could make pretty much ANYTHING sound marginally edible. Lots of examples on YouTube, although I'm still looking for the black-and-white cookies one.
I bought the black and whites yesterday.
Soon to be banned-- way too DEI...
Did you know they are now making (yucky, but true) Zero Sugar Oreos?
Da-DAH-dum.
It’s da-da-DUM. 😊
Thanks to the Hollywood picture, I now know where my Halloween skeleton is sourced,
Also, mandatory vegan joke: How do you know if someone is a vegan? Wait five seconds, they'll tell you.
I am vegan and I am offended.
Q: If two vegans have a disagreement, is it still called a “beef?”
Good question. Only other vegan I know is my wife and we never argue. (See below for this week's bridge special. ) Could be a “tofu" or a “seitan,” but they don't have the same punch.
Laugh out loud!
I’m here all week. Try the veal. (or the tofu)
Now, that too is funny!
I work in a thrift store. Last week someone donated, I swear I am not making this up, a "vegan" purse. It has a tag indicating that it is guaranteed vegan by PETA.
Vegan leather goes by a couple of other names, like “vinyl “ and “plastic” and “poly-something-o-thing.” It is also used to make scrapple, liver loaf and ipecac.
So, what is it made out of? Rutabagas??
At least you have fewer impulses to consume that “vegan” purse, right? A leather purse, especially if it has those little brand gew-gaws hung on it is certainly more appetizing to most of us non-vegans. Now, I saw vegan shoes and immediately wondered if the dogs would find those less appealing than normal leather shoes. Especially those shoes that teenaged boys have worn lately. Anyone have any scientific experiments about this?
Does it come with French fries?
Yes. It has a dedicated French fry pouch inside the purse.
(Spooky-ass picture, isn’t it?)
Now that’s funny…
Not if you're a cow.
5 minutes? More like 5 seconds.
I wrote five seconds lol.
Yes you did. My reading disability must’ve kicked in. Mea culpa.
The display in the photograph depicts a famous but disturbing story from the history of Christmas. One year, crossing the mountains in a snowstorm and facing a shortage of oxygen in the atmosphere, a reindeer went rogue and saved itself by taking the air from Inflatable Santa and Inflatable Grinch. This is known as The Donner Party.
I clicked "LIKED" only because there is no "GROAN" button.
Enjoy the Like. Please leave.
So bad it's good.
Very clever, indeed, Mark.
Thanks, but I can relate to the pain of those looking for the Groan Button.
I thought you were going to say "...followed by Ben and Jerry."
Folks actually survived to talk about it??? :-)
Speaking of survivors, one of the Donner Party survivors later opened a restaurant. That gives me the willies. "No thanks, I don't want today's special with fava beans and a nice chianti."
The "about 20 servings" lie on snack boxes is the food industry's greatest con. That's not a serving size, that's a suggested starting point before the shame spiral begins.
Yeah! Ice cream is supposed to be about 12 servings per 1.5 quart container……..😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂It’s ONE SERVING!!
Have you noticed on pint cartons of ice cream (Ben & Jerry's, for example) they now have calories per serving and calories for the whole carton? How dare they!! There is some information I simply do not want to know.
You mean they’re different?
:D
Exactamundo! Those lyin' bastids of the food industry and their con. They well know that there is ONE SERVING PER CONTAINER. Even if it's a 55-gallon drum. One serving. Boom.
I think the latest FDA requirements formally define a "serving" of anything as a 20-ounce ladle of it, packed under high pressure.
My husband agrees.
Shame Spiral, band name, etc.
Your point about climate change Dave may actually be valid: if you eat too much junk you're sure to expel greenhouse gases. Well, maybe not greenhouse.
Outhouse gases
Methane is a very potent greenhouse gas.
Yeah. Which fact could've COMPLETELY changed the story arc of "Breaking Bad," if they'd only thought of it.
Actually, the vegans might make more gas. Want to know what happens to your insides if you eat a whole raw cabbage? (shudder)
Outhouse gases?
I still miss the Magical Diet Potato Chips that contained olestra. It was so fun having a foodstuff that actually had the phrase “loose stools” right on the bag. My husband, Mr. Crumpacker, calls it entertainment food. “The gift that keeps on giving. Dinner AND a show!”
Whatever happened to olestra? I would think that explosive diarrhea is simply an adjunctive pathway to weight loss when combined with GLP-1's.
(laughing)
People like potato chips, but not so much, anal seepage.
I saw Anal Seepage at CBGBs in the 90s. They stunk.
I’m not surprised, although most bands aren’t that self-aware.
I, like many Midwesterners, get their daily 50,000 steps in quite easily: by walking back and forth, up and down their driveways shoveling snow. What I’d like to know is how, if we weigh ourselves immediately afterwards, can we be gaining weight? Don’t tell me it’s the Beer and Cheese table in the garage we stop at ever so often to refuel during shoveling. It has to be something else.
The old Looney Tunes used to depict people on frozen surfaces with their arms and legs pinwheeling -- blurring into these translucent gray circles. I bet those 'toons lost weight even faster. Hmm. A new exercise regimen for Midwesterners?
Great, as always. However, for those of us who live in northern NY State where the temperature has been between below zero to below freezing for the last week and we are wearing about 57 layers of clothing inside our houses, calories are used by shaking as we type notes to Dave Barry. :-)
I keep it at 62 inside. People say they go outside to warm up.
The Albany Times Union says today, "Upstate New York is about to plunge into an arctic freeze." What the hell is it now?
57° in my house. People never take off their coats.
(This is just a fact, not a joke.)
Wis, you live in Colorado!
Yes ma’am!
Did you get that wind storm where you are?
few nights ago, yeah. Are you in CO?
I must add that this piece made my soul honk in recognition. The holidays aren’t about joy; they’re about pretending “Family Size” is a friendly suggestion and then wandering the earth seeking pants that still button. Thank you for ministering to the masses.
I would also be remiss in not making a shoutout to Anna Gasteyer for not only the best Christmas carol of the decade, but like you, indicating true priorities of the holidays. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6Pf2jOWMx4
I'm gonna ask my pastor if the choir can sing that song on Christmas Eve!
Bill, I can say with certainty that you have a hit on your hands and it will be midnight mass SRO.
Loved that! My favorite line: Life is short, why live like a nun?
I actually have this song as a wake-up alarm on my phone. There are worse ear worms to start the day with.
I remember pants with button…not that I own any. Most of the buttons are scattered in parking lots after they flew off while I was attempting to get out of the car. And, love the “Soul honk” bit. I may have to steal it.
Cannot steal what's given to you, Luv. Have at it! And in all truth... button? More metaphorical than fact.
wandering the earth with a latenrn, like diogenes, but without pants.
I can't unsee that. However, I do subscribe to the philosophy. If you don't wear pants, they'll never be too tight.
Brilliant!
Just sent it to all my drinking and non-drinking friends as our new Christmas anthem!
My holiday oxygen is now well earned.
Lest the triumph of GLP’s make you euphoric,
Keep in mind: every food has a toll that’s caloric.
Just because you injected a shot of Wegovy,
You must still forego pizza - except the anchovy.
As for sugary drinks, you remain fully culpable, though the GLP-1
makes them literally GuLP-able.
In the 60’s, among NASA’s promising tricks,
Was reducing full meals into chewable sticks.
“Space Food Sticks” they were called, and for astro-space dinners,
They were beige tubes of paste
That made astronauts thinner.
At our home they were cherished as marvelous treats,
Standing in for fresh vegetables, dairy, and meats.
But their novelty waned. They were nasty and bland.
Our next move was to food that was freeze-dried, not canned.
These processed-food efforts did not go very far;
Food for space was replaced by the huge SALAD BAR.
Salad bars still exist: witness Golden Corral.
But they all had a flaw for weight-losers’ morale.
There was lettuce and spinach, and a few veggies more
But the cheese, and ranch dressing,
And bacon galore…
Made the calorie-count of a salad bar plate.
Unconducive to self-control, or losing weight.
It’s been just a few weeks since our Thanksgiving feed,
Gave us many more calories than we would need.
There is not a sane person
Who’ll venture or try
To prevent me from piling a saucer with pie.
And as Christmast now offers delectable tastes,
I will opt for the sweat pants’ elasticized waists.
Glenn, you are amazing!
Yes he is, in at least two Substack accounts I follow.
👍️👍️👍️, as always, GEP!
Your mentioning Golden Corral's salad bars reminds me why I haven't eaten at that chain in years -- ever since learning that the panes of Plexiglas over the ingredients are called "sneeze guards." Thereafter, I kept imagining a conversation around the salad bar punctuated with small talk like, "What kind of dressing you gonna pick?"
John,
It would have to be RANCH dressing, which, like most delicious food, is laden with fats and sugars. At my house, it is slathered onto pizza 🍕 crusts to prolong the pleasure of a meat lover’s double cheese pizza. With Diet RC Cola. And a Moon Pie.
Do you pronounce GLP as Gulp, Glip, or Glop?
GLAP, GLEP, GLIP, GLOP, GLUP and sometimes GLYP.
Hey, aren't those the lyrics to Good Morning Starshine by Oliver?
I knew someone would inject GLP-humor into this serious topic.
After I lose about 165 lbs., I plan to sell or donate my loose skin to a good cause.
Maybe decorating a lawn during daytime in Dave's neighborhood?
Under a hot, Florida sun.
My mom told me you can reduce your caloric intake by only eating the broken cookies or crackers, as “they don’t have calories.”
When I heard this, I went to the pantry and vigorously shook up all the boxes of my favorite snacks.
Months later, standing on the bathroom scale, I realized for the first time that my mom could be a big fat liar.
Ditto on that. Broken no calories.
But I did discover in the pantry her Hershey's chocolate bars stash.
(Aside: "Hershey’s officially dropped its Dubai chocolate bar on December 4, 2025. It costs $8.99...Only 10,000 bars exist worldwide...People lucky enough to get their hands on the bars have already started reselling them online on eBay for $100!")
I suspect there are other companies that have products with Dubai chocolate? I have never tasted it.
As I was leaving the Dubai airport, I stopped at a kiosk and bought a milk chocolate bar that was made with camels milk. Their tagline was “it’s cameliscous!”
Are you pulling my leg?
I’d post an image if I could on this app : )
I wonder how you milk a camel? I also wonder what the milker does to remove all the spit a camel lets fly when it’s not enjoying the procedure—which I would guess is every single time.
They are tall so you can use an umbrella while milking!
😅. It’s still made by Hersheys - it’s just an expensive Hershey bar that they claim has special chocolate, I suspect. Nothing ‘Dubai’ about it, except perhaps where the wrapper was printed.
Sounds very "Dubai-ous "
Har! :D
It is a well known fact that the broken cookies, crackers, etc have no calories. Also, if you eat cake or pie (or any of the dessert food group items) that have lost corners or are not cut straight, those have no calories. Further, and I believe this has been scientifically proven, that if you leave 2 bites of whatever on your plate, none of the calories count. So by the extrapolation principle of science, if you were to put two bites of cabbage ( and I think Brussels sprouts qualify) on your plate and not eat them, you also achieve zero calorie consumption. Now I’m curious if you consumed say, two bites of cabbage, whatever else is loaded on the plate, and left 2 bites of cabbage, would you achieve net negative overall calories? Just curious and asking for a friend.
😅Given the assertions in the scientific research you reference, absolutely!! Indeed, assuming your (friend’s) lovely hypothesis is true (which I do not doubt), if we manage our plate portions and eating strategies correctly, we can lead our entire lifetimes with no caloric intake at all. We’d probably have to eat a granola bar now and then (a whole one), just to avoid the need to weld anvils to our feet like in that picture; but I like your (friend’s) thinking! Tell me when your friend’s paper gets published. I’d love to read it and share it with mom!
I’ve also heard that if you eat standing up, the calories don’t count. After years of testing, I’ve learned that this isn’t true - darn it!!!
Har! Lots of myths we learn the hard way truly are myths! But it's an enjoyable discovery in the moment. *Burp*
Dave, you should host one of those interactive live videos that Substack is promoting now. Based on the comments each Friday, your subscribers are quite entertaining ... even more so if they forget to take their meds.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
Or do take them.
Dave - I'm as confused by serving size "suggestions" as you are. I do not understand how more than one serving of ice cream exists in ANY container of it. And I think it's cruel that the smaller the container (I'm looking at you Ben & Jerry, and Mr. Haagen Daz), the more the calories. It's like they are trying to trick us into thinking, "I can eat TWO small containers if I squint really hard and don't look at the calories on the side and maybe even LOSE weight."
And since the ice cream is frozen, it takes our calories to burn it down to a liquid form. That should count for exercise, right?
You are a wise, wise woman :)
If you eat slowly the calories drift off the spoon before getting inside you -- or so I've been told. Seems like very sound science to me.
Sorry Bill. “Eat slowly”? I don’t understand the concept.
I know. It's all theoretical. No one has ever been observed -- either in clinical trials or anecdotally -- eating slowly.
Yes, I concur, very confusing. I was trying to lose weight one summer and part of that "diet" was eating a container of Häagen-Dazs Coffee Ice Cream for lunch. It was the small container. I never thought to look at the calories!
Completely understandable! It’s hard to look at calories when you are in the Haagen-Dazs zone of eternal bliss.
I like your diet…!
I am late to this discussion but given the ice cream subject matter, I just have to tell you that there is a fabulous small container ice cream out of California called “Eureka Lemon and Marion Berry”. The name alone is fun. But I think Eureka is a town in California. And while there’s a Marion Massachusetts which attracted me in the first place, where I live, it turns out the Marion Berry was hybridized at the University of Oregon, a cross between blackberry and a raspberry. Of course none of this relates to the disgraced mayor of DC!
Clever names!
There is another explanation as to why cabbage-eating Tim weighs less than Tom: whenever I eat cabbage, I always evacuate profusely: three or four flushes per session, six to eight sessions per day for two or three days. At that rate, I've evacuated not only whatever I ingested but also some internal organs as well; I can attest to watching my pancreas and pituitary gland (or what looks like my pituitary gland) disappear in the porcelain whirlpool.
Tim weighs less because there's less Tim!
Ewww, too much information.
Ew, but true.
Vegans also turn into giant spider things in the last five pages, just like a Stephen King novel.
I am vegan and I am offended.
As long as you’re not a Scottish vegan.
Ooh, that would be quadruple offended. (It increases exponentially.)
Do you burn any calories with chewing? That's an activity, isn't it?
It actually takes more calories to chew celery than there are in it.
True! But is the taste of celery worth the effort of chewing to achieve such a reward? 🤔
It is if you put peanut butter on it.