I have a better idea, which is not original with me. Send Trump, Musk, and all the MAGA influencers/enablers/toadies to Mars. One way trip. We’ll need to recommission a Space Shuttle (or two) but it will be well worth it.
Don’t know even one influencer. What’s the rule book? Perhaps I will designate myself the chief influencer of my senior complex. Any heavy lifting involved?
Rare serious comment from me: I absolutely despise "influencers", and the fact that such creatures exist speaks very poorly of our society. These are vapid, shallow, talentless people who contribute absolutely nothing of substance to our culture or society.
Influencers (and the kardashians) should man the next Artemis mission equipped with the latest space toilet Dave so skillfully designed.
If they make it back to earth, the interior of the rocket will be SO disgusting, NASA may just leave them bobbing on the waves of the Pacific indefinitely.
The problem is not the influencers; the problem is that there are millions of people who watch them. Remember the saying: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
The concept of influencers is just one out of a thousand reasons why I am not on any social media. I have never used TikTok or Instagram. Of course, I am older than football but I was really glad to see Joe Namath looking pretty dang good.
What I find particularly galling about these infantile douchebags is they actually use the job title "influencer” without the least bit of irony, as if that was a job!
I think you are being a little harsh. They have been created in a genetic lab named “Mobed Genes” and escaped through a routine toilet flush a few years back. All attempts have been made to bring them back for a refit. Stay tuned as we are closing in on a cure. Send in $$ to this author who will look after your concerns for these misfits.
The other minor issue with Clavicular is that, besides for hating alligators, he also hates Jews, singing along to Heil Hitler by Ye with Nick Fuentes.
While it is fun to make fun of him, and one should, he is symptomatic of a far deeper rot than youthful hijinks.
(What’s either something I’m proud of or something I’m embarrassed about - I’m not sure yet - I’d never heard of “collar bone”. I’m inching towards being proud. He seems to represent nothing I admire or value. At all.)
Also proud I've never heard of him. BTW, as a hetero woman, not as good looking as he thinks he is. Just sayin'. But then again, by Vulcan standards maybe he is.
I only know about them and this guy because I read the column by Will Cohen, I think I have Will’s last name right, who weekly dives into the cesspool that is the Internet and comes up with extreme right wing wackos and writes in detail about some of the Groypers exploits and all of that. He’s worth a read if only so you can protect yourself against these people. Those of us who read Will’s column I think he deserves a medal for what he does.
Wow -- that was funny! Couple of comments: 1) Artemis should've called Clippy for help; 2) Clavicular sounds like a demented Roman emperor -- and acted like one; 3) I'm sending my donation to Friends of the Evergaldes right now. Not just because I agree 100% with your points, but maybe it'll also bring some good juju to the 2026 Jets.
'Ground Control to Clippy' could be just the song to get the Rock Bottom Remainders (back) on the charts.
There was a Roman Emperor called Pupienus (which is pronounced poopeyanus). He lasted 99 days as Emperor. (Presumably it took that long for the other Romans to stop laughing at his name and decided they needed a more dignified sounding emperor). Compared to that, Clavicular looks pretty tame
There was also a Pope Hilarius who I imagine was probably the most stone-faced pope ever.
There was an Eastern Roman Emperor, Anastasius, who had heterochromia (two different colored eyes). The nickname for such people in ancient Greek was Dicorus (with the 'c' pronounced as a hard "k"). So, while there was no Biggus Dicorus, there was Anastasius Dicorus.
(And people wonder why guys think about the Roman Empire so much...)
Clippy! Whatever happened to that rascally little idiot, anyhow? "Microsoft Copilot" just seems so... so devoid of personality, y'know? It doesn't even have a face!
Dave, if you think two-step, or two-factor authorization and those diabolical CAPTCHAs where you have to identify all blurry images with freckles are bad, wait until A.I. really takes hold. Think of HAL 9000 ("2001: A Space Odyssey") on steroids (or I suppose more accurately, hopped up on qubits). "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that. I'm really surprised you don't know your great-grandmother's blood type. And Dave, I know when you're guessing. Let's go back to the fifth step and try again, shall we?"
I maintain (and will continue to do so even if proven wrong) that the Escher perpetual loop-like Interactive Voice Response phone tree menus and multi-factor authorization are simply ways to avoid providing customer service...and enjoying it. If a company or organization can piss you off while denying service, all the better. Simple pleasures in an increasingly complicated world. "Our single friendly but professional customer enabler and confidant is busy at the moment helping dozens of other disgruntled customers in an unintelligible language. We experienced higher than normal call volumes immediately with your call. Your wait time is (pause for effect) approximately two years. If you like, we can call you back, you can stay on the line or, you can fuck off."
Yesterday, because I couldn’t find the piece of physical mail with Social Security tax info, my husband persuaded me to login to the SSA website. Ahem. First I had to create an account. They messaged a code to my phone. I jumped through all of their hoops until I got to the two ways authentication thing…I entered my phone number…the one they messaged me on to start the whole process…they said they didn’t recognize it as my phone number…they said to use a different number…I don’t have a different number, this is the only phone number I have, the one they messaged me on! Needless to say (after saying some four letter words that are not LOVE, I gave up and started going through months of unopened mostly political and “good person causes” begging physical mail (don’t judge me) I finally found the relevant tax info mail on my desk, where I had most likely put it so I could find it when I needed it (don’t judge me). It would have saved me hours if I’d looked there first, but, at least I no longer have piles of unopened mail in my house …and…I don’t have to go back into SSA website purgatory. So I win!
Would anyone else vote for a dead alligator to end up in Clavicular's bed? Of course not. That would be gross. Who would do that awful thing to an alligator?
Dave, I love how you use the strikethrough. Unfortunately I can never figure out how to use it myself without resorting to Microsoft Word, sister (?) program to Outlook. Narcissistic douchebaggery! A band name?
Although the various topics in Dave's essay today seem unrelated, there is a common theme. Artemis Space Toilet: Turd. Influencer Clavicular: Turd. The folks who gave us Alligator Alcatraz: Turds.
I was 15 in 1969 and sooooo in LOVE with Broadway Joe. I just knew I was going to meet him when I got older and he would ask me to marry him. This was so real to me that my high school friends wrote in my yearbook "good luck with Joe!" In 1971, I was living in Boston and went to a football game where the Jets were playing at Harvard Stadium...saw Joe after the game as the players were heading to their bus...I swear Joe and I "locked eyes". Standing in front of him, I waited for him to ask me to marry him, unfortunately, all I heard was "GET OUT OF MY WAY." ❤️🤪
Madame would like to commend NASA for achieving what no luxury spa has ever dared: a $23 million bathroom experience that still requires emotional resilience. Madame has seen less complicated plumbing in relationships that lasted longer than this toilet.
One of my sisters noted, while the Artemis crew was orbiting the moon, they were farther from Donald Trump than any other human. Lucky bastards.
Now taking applications for the next Mission to Mars. Please line up behind me. No pushing.
I have a better idea, which is not original with me. Send Trump, Musk, and all the MAGA influencers/enablers/toadies to Mars. One way trip. We’ll need to recommission a Space Shuttle (or two) but it will be well worth it.
Send them all into the BLACK HOLE.
You convinced me. A black hole it is, if we can find one within range. However, if that doesn’t pan out, can we just send the Shuttles into the Sun?
Don’t know even one influencer. What’s the rule book? Perhaps I will designate myself the chief influencer of my senior complex. Any heavy lifting involved?
I wish I'd thought of that while they were way out there. It would have been a psychic moment of relief
Ah…but he still insisted on calling them…to ruin their day.
Rare serious comment from me: I absolutely despise "influencers", and the fact that such creatures exist speaks very poorly of our society. These are vapid, shallow, talentless people who contribute absolutely nothing of substance to our culture or society.
Who do they think they are, the Kardashians?
"Any culture that supports and enriches influencers is doomed to collapse."
-- Socrates, 420BC
"Socrates has influenced our youth in too many dangerous ways to count."
-- Athenian Hemlock Growers Association, 419BC
Influencers are the “cool kids” from high school monetized.
Okay, John E. You win!
There would be no influencers without the easily influenced.
-- Melvin Schwartz, Bayonne, New Jersey
Nice citation.
Influencers (and the kardashians) should man the next Artemis mission equipped with the latest space toilet Dave so skillfully designed.
If they make it back to earth, the interior of the rocket will be SO disgusting, NASA may just leave them bobbing on the waves of the Pacific indefinitely.
The problem is not the influencers; the problem is that there are millions of people who watch them. Remember the saying: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
That’s the part that speaks to the decline of Western civilization right there.
I agree entirely! Completely infuriating.
Don't worry. Their target demographic can't tell the difference between "real" influencers and AI versions. They will be extinct soon enough.
The concept of influencers is just one out of a thousand reasons why I am not on any social media. I have never used TikTok or Instagram. Of course, I am older than football but I was really glad to see Joe Namath looking pretty dang good.
I don't see influencers very often, but I get asked to fill out a brief survey every 5 to 10 minutes. Who is making money off these things?
What I find particularly galling about these infantile douchebags is they actually use the job title "influencer” without the least bit of irony, as if that was a job!
yes.
I think you are being a little harsh. They have been created in a genetic lab named “Mobed Genes” and escaped through a routine toilet flush a few years back. All attempts have been made to bring them back for a refit. Stay tuned as we are closing in on a cure. Send in $$ to this author who will look after your concerns for these misfits.
They're also a very dangerous bunch. Influencer pandemics have cost millions of lives.
The other minor issue with Clavicular is that, besides for hating alligators, he also hates Jews, singing along to Heil Hitler by Ye with Nick Fuentes.
While it is fun to make fun of him, and one should, he is symptomatic of a far deeper rot than youthful hijinks.
Very true. Not just shallow and vapid, but hateful and worthless as well. Too many people know who he is. Let alone follow him on social media.
(What’s either something I’m proud of or something I’m embarrassed about - I’m not sure yet - I’d never heard of “collar bone”. I’m inching towards being proud. He seems to represent nothing I admire or value. At all.)
Also proud I've never heard of him. BTW, as a hetero woman, not as good looking as he thinks he is. Just sayin'. But then again, by Vulcan standards maybe he is.
😂. I agree! He’s pretty average looking - and now that I know his value system and priorities, I see him as downright ugly.
I only know about them and this guy because I read the column by Will Cohen, I think I have Will’s last name right, who weekly dives into the cesspool that is the Internet and comes up with extreme right wing wackos and writes in detail about some of the Groypers exploits and all of that. He’s worth a read if only so you can protect yourself against these people. Those of us who read Will’s column I think he deserves a medal for what he does.
Sounds scary but important to see. Thanks, hun!
I looked him up. It’s Will Sommer And his columns are for the Bulwark – false flags. He wades through the muck so you don’t have to!
Yes. 👏👏
I must assume Clavicular is the prime example of the talentless entertaining the tasteless. And…You are a hoot. As my Grandmother would say. Carry on.
Wow -- that was funny! Couple of comments: 1) Artemis should've called Clippy for help; 2) Clavicular sounds like a demented Roman emperor -- and acted like one; 3) I'm sending my donation to Friends of the Evergaldes right now. Not just because I agree 100% with your points, but maybe it'll also bring some good juju to the 2026 Jets.
'Ground Control to Clippy' could be just the song to get the Rock Bottom Remainders (back) on the charts.
There was a Roman Emperor called Pupienus (which is pronounced poopeyanus). He lasted 99 days as Emperor. (Presumably it took that long for the other Romans to stop laughing at his name and decided they needed a more dignified sounding emperor). Compared to that, Clavicular looks pretty tame
There was also a Pope Hilarius who I imagine was probably the most stone-faced pope ever.
Was Pupienus friends with Biggus Dikus?
These all remind me of names in The History of the World Part I, a true classic by the genius, Mel Brooks. 🤣🤣🤣
There was an Eastern Roman Emperor, Anastasius, who had heterochromia (two different colored eyes). The nickname for such people in ancient Greek was Dicorus (with the 'c' pronounced as a hard "k"). So, while there was no Biggus Dicorus, there was Anastasius Dicorus.
(And people wonder why guys think about the Roman Empire so much...)
Ahaahhahahahahahaha!!! Thanks for the historically accurate excuse to laugh at this shit!!! 🤣🤣🤣
And his wife Incontinentia Buttocks.
Laughed til I cried at this and the entire stream of replies. Thank you so SO much!
Pupienus must've known the empress Clitorius :)
Clippy! Whatever happened to that rascally little idiot, anyhow? "Microsoft Copilot" just seems so... so devoid of personality, y'know? It doesn't even have a face!
Clippy got Clopt.
Ooh, you had me right up to the Jets part! Haha! Bills fan here - good comment!
Believe it or not, I like the Bills too. That said, a little sympathy is in order for us struggling Jet fans.
They may need a lot more? This ain’t the AFL anymore, regrettably. No more Babe, Cookie, Broadway et al.
That would be the understatement of the week.
Dave, if you think two-step, or two-factor authorization and those diabolical CAPTCHAs where you have to identify all blurry images with freckles are bad, wait until A.I. really takes hold. Think of HAL 9000 ("2001: A Space Odyssey") on steroids (or I suppose more accurately, hopped up on qubits). "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that. I'm really surprised you don't know your great-grandmother's blood type. And Dave, I know when you're guessing. Let's go back to the fifth step and try again, shall we?"
I maintain (and will continue to do so even if proven wrong) that the Escher perpetual loop-like Interactive Voice Response phone tree menus and multi-factor authorization are simply ways to avoid providing customer service...and enjoying it. If a company or organization can piss you off while denying service, all the better. Simple pleasures in an increasingly complicated world. "Our single friendly but professional customer enabler and confidant is busy at the moment helping dozens of other disgruntled customers in an unintelligible language. We experienced higher than normal call volumes immediately with your call. Your wait time is (pause for effect) approximately two years. If you like, we can call you back, you can stay on the line or, you can fuck off."
Yesterday, because I couldn’t find the piece of physical mail with Social Security tax info, my husband persuaded me to login to the SSA website. Ahem. First I had to create an account. They messaged a code to my phone. I jumped through all of their hoops until I got to the two ways authentication thing…I entered my phone number…the one they messaged me on to start the whole process…they said they didn’t recognize it as my phone number…they said to use a different number…I don’t have a different number, this is the only phone number I have, the one they messaged me on! Needless to say (after saying some four letter words that are not LOVE, I gave up and started going through months of unopened mostly political and “good person causes” begging physical mail (don’t judge me) I finally found the relevant tax info mail on my desk, where I had most likely put it so I could find it when I needed it (don’t judge me). It would have saved me hours if I’d looked there first, but, at least I no longer have piles of unopened mail in my house …and…I don’t have to go back into SSA website purgatory. So I win!
I judge you are a kindred spirit.
Having spent hours on the phone yesterday with both Xfinity and T-Mobile, I'm all for annihilating a entire civilization of comms companies.
I just want the inventor of 2FA prosecuted for crimes against humanity.
Yep. Just got off that exact phone call. 🤬😡🤣🤣🤣
Would anyone else vote for a dead alligator to end up in Clavicular's bed? Of course not. That would be gross. Who would do that awful thing to an alligator?
Just the alligator's head would be enough.
Steve Irwin's family might.
Then again, probably not.
Dave, I love how you use the strikethrough. Unfortunately I can never figure out how to use it myself without resorting to Microsoft Word, sister (?) program to Outlook. Narcissistic douchebaggery! A band name?
I can do it foryou for 20 million dollars
Use “strikethrough”
Although the various topics in Dave's essay today seem unrelated, there is a common theme. Artemis Space Toilet: Turd. Influencer Clavicular: Turd. The folks who gave us Alligator Alcatraz: Turds.
MerryCatholic.substack.com
Well done, Sir. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I read where the astronauts couldn't correctly identify all the squares that contained bicycles.
But they could correctly point to a camel, which makes them geniuses the like of which the world has never seen.
You made me spill coffee on myself. Well done.
Right?!?! What kind of hell is that? Who is the sadist that created that shit?!?!?
Dave, I have now attached a Shop-Vac to my butt. I will report back soon.
Don't forget to put your intestines back in before you report back.
I was 15 in 1969 and sooooo in LOVE with Broadway Joe. I just knew I was going to meet him when I got older and he would ask me to marry him. This was so real to me that my high school friends wrote in my yearbook "good luck with Joe!" In 1971, I was living in Boston and went to a football game where the Jets were playing at Harvard Stadium...saw Joe after the game as the players were heading to their bus...I swear Joe and I "locked eyes". Standing in front of him, I waited for him to ask me to marry him, unfortunately, all I heard was "GET OUT OF MY WAY." ❤️🤪
Curse that fickle finger of fate! SO close...!
In the ongoing lineup of possible band names, I would place “Narcissistic Douchebaggery” very close to the top. (Made me laugh just typing it.)
Agreed! I actually think "narcissistic douchebaggery" could be the name of an entire musical genre.
I believe Emo already covered that.
Right?!? Soooooo good.
Dave Barry’s nomination for the Nobel Prize in Literature has many strong foundations, but the acronym ICRAP will endure for millennia.
Madame would like to commend NASA for achieving what no luxury spa has ever dared: a $23 million bathroom experience that still requires emotional resilience. Madame has seen less complicated plumbing in relationships that lasted longer than this toilet.
Did Namath have an opinion about "the Tush Push?"
I didn't think to ask!