The beloved “Research Department” speaks! Hi, Judi! You’ve been with Dave so long, I’m surprised he doesn’t pay you to go to the marathon synagogue services for him. But I guess Michelle would notice.
Hey, you should pay Carl Hiaasen to go for you, Dave - you say people are always confusing the two of you… maybe Michelle wouldn’t notice.
Minus the chocolate part: rhubarb. Technically you need some strawberries and a pie (with their inherent sugar content) to make it edible. Aside from strawberry-rhubarb pie, scientists have yet to discover any other use for this vegetable-like substance. Why it grows freely, easily and in such abundance in gardens is a cosmic mystery.
Rhubarb is not a food, and that’s a hill I’ll die on, although it won’t be from eating rhubarb leaves, which are poisonous, therefore, not a food. In conclusion, just go with the strawberries and the pie; maybe add chocolate.
I am ashamed to say that when I was a kid we would pick rhubarb from the garden, salt and eat the stems. I think now it was because of the scary and funny way our faces would screw up from the saucer taste.
> Why it grows freely, easily and in such abundance in gardens is a cosmic mystery.
One of the few cosmic mysteries for which humanity (as represented by A Prairie Home Companion Wiki) has figured out an answer:
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie
SIGN IN TO EDIT
Beebopareebop is a sponsor of A Prairie Home Companion. Their signature products are Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and Beebopareebop Frozen Rhubarb Pie Filling.
Their commercials feature lengthy descriptions of problems and misfortunes that can befall a person, concluding with the advice that rhubarb pie would be welcomed at a time like this. They also tout the benefits of rhubarb: being able to get rid of horseflies and being able to get rid of the taste from a person's mouth of fear, dismay, humiliation, shame, defeat and more. …
🎵 But one little thing can revive a guy,
🎵 And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
🎵 Serve it up, nice and hot.
🎵 Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
(A Prairie Home Companion, BTW, is where I first learned of Mr Barry and his magnum opus, Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex.)
Thank you for shining a light on this reminder from the dim corridors of my memory! I loved PHC back in the day, and their commercials (especially for this product) were fantastic. (I even got to see a live show once on their traveling summer road tour). I’d love to find an audio collection of these comedic gems to enjoy them once more. Moreover, when you add some ice cream to a slice of hot rhubarb pie, it gets even better.
It's optional. My sister (St Chads, the surfer saint) says if she can get me to church (St Johns, the saint everyone knows) once a year, it counts and I'm good.
Just thinking about going counts in my not-so-good book. Also, did you know that St. Chad is the patron saint of disputed elections? Or so says Wikipedia because I didn’t think there really was a St. Chad and had to look him up ….
Who he was: An Irish-trained Anglo-Saxon monk who became a bishop and missionary. He was the brother of Saint Cedd who was a writer of profane texts they sang in the winery. Sacristy!
My AA homegroup meets in the basement of an Episcopalian church in Kensington MD, big Thanksgiving meeting there too, and the Wednesday meeting is in the Episcopal Church n Dunn Loring VA.
"Manischewitz hard grape juice": that one's going straight into my dictionary of euphemisms. My family weren't Jewish, but Manischewitz was the only booze that Mom could stomach, leading to much hilarity as the level in the bottle got lower, and lower, and lower... "Man oh MANoschevitz: what a wine!"
Dave, you are what they say in the deeup sowf, a "hoot." If they really love you, they will call you a "mess." You, my friend, are a mess. I'm 84 now, a Jewish convert to Christianity, married to a Catholic who just passed (downturned eyes), so I get the theological whiplash. I have always loved your humor and find myself laughing out loud, so bless you, dear Dave. Carry on.
I’m catholic and some masses are short, some are long but between standing sitting and kneeling, we always get our exercise done, so we have that going for us.
Sort of, but it’s pretty tough on the knees. I suppose if you squint you could call it exercise, but I like working the remote better. Hand eye coordination practice is underrated.
You must master the art of kneeling! You kneel on the kneeling rail in perfect posture, then slowly lower your tuchus back and down until you are half-sitting on the pew seat. This takes the pressure off your knees. It also saves you from getting a face full of hair from the person in front of you who did not kneel.
As a child, your knees are in good shape! And Sister never allowed anyone to skip kneeling, so you never had a face full of hair from the person in the pew ahead of you.
I read a review today of these things called "ruckers": they're basically (as you might imagine) rucksacks, but made for carrying the custom-fitted 10- to 20-pound weights which the manufacturer also sells. The idea? Why should you even sit or stand while carrying just your own weight? Ruck your way to good health! They should distribute ruckers at the entrance to the church, along with the order of worship and (at Christmas) paper-shielded candles.
Great piece! I laughed out loud! Reminds me of the fun my dad had with his Jewish identity, in Groucho, Mel Brooks kind of way. Telling my brother his yarmulke had to point north. Coming up with movies like "The Texas Chainsaw Circumcision." And saying the only Jewish football team was the Washington Foreskins. It was all in good fun, and very witty!
I have a doctor’s appointment and labs today at 11. I woke up already starving and not allowed to eat until the blood has been drained from my arm. But, you again came to the rescue. in addition to making me laugh out loud, the description, and particularly the photo of the uncooked chocolate zucchini bread, completely ruined my appetite. So I’m off for the annual bloodletting with a smile on my face.
The Christmas tree portion of your story reminded me of an incident in my past.
At one time our family lived in a house with a cathedral ceiling, so we would always get a rather tall tree. We bought our trees at a farm market run by a man named Kermit (the only Kermit I've ever known who wasn't a frog). That year, we bought a beautiful tree - it must have been at least 11 feet tall and was full and perfectly shaped. Kermit baled it and somehow we got it home and into the house through the sliding patio door. We unbaled it and by the time the branches all relaxed it took up half of the living room. But that was OK because we had lots of ornaments and loved decorating for Christmas.
The problem came after the holidays when we needed to take the tree out to the curb for collection. There was no way it was going to go back out the way it came in. I know this because my husband tried his best to push it through the patio door, which reminded me of the act of giving birth. Finally, he had to use a chainsaw to cut off the lower branches, then cut the trunk up into several pieces. We dragged the pieces out to the curb and eventually they were collected. Our kids (now 45 and 47) still talk about that tree and how great it was. Their father has a slightly different opinion.
As a retired Episcopalian urologist I can testify to the importance of being able to make your tee time after services. As for zucchini, do people really eat this stuff? Also, I would like to visit the Episcopal church where bourbon is served at communion. My church has only cheap red wine.
Sir, you may have opened Pandora's Bread Box here. There are many fruits and vegetables that shouldn't be turned into bread, and though I expect major pushback here, one of them is the banana. Stay with me, banana bread lovers. Banana bread is not made from yellow bananas. Yellow bananas are reserved for banana splits and monkeys. Banana bread is made from very dark brown and black bananas. Dark brown and black bananas are not even sold in stores. If you were to see one in its native state, you'd head directly to the zucchini counter. Dark brown and black bananas have to be "seasoned," like mold. Fair warning, okay? And don't get me started on carrot cake.
Once they're black they're too far gone. Brown spots are perfect for banana bread but you do have to fight off the monkeys. And you only don't like it because you haven't had mine with chocolate chips, or my carrot cake which is the absolute best.
I’m with you Fran. The spotted bananas and soft and have more natural sugar, which moistens the bread with less fat. And I always thought carrot cake sounded gross until I actually made one. Sure, it’s absolutely delicious, but what wouldn’t be with all that sugar and fat? They call mine “killer” carrot cake for a reason, but what a way to go.
My mother’s banana bread was famous when I was growing up, so I’m good there. And I make a good carrot cake but am very open to improvement. Is there a secret ingredient, or is it actually a secret?
(Tooting my own horn here but I've brought it to really good restaurants for birthdays and people working there have told me it's the best they've ever had.) And have you ever added chocolate chips to your mom's banana bread? It's amazing.
Thank you, Fran! I do use pineapple of which I was particularly glad the time I forgot the carrots; but I gotta do the chips in the banana bread. Can try different flavors!
My daughter freezes bananas to use in a milk shake. There was an unfortunate incident when she mistook frozen sausages for bananas and made a disgusting sausage milk shake.
You could try them in a smoothie. However, they go nicely in a lovely compost pile, or tossed into your trash can. Good luck. At least you won't have the monkeys to contend with.
If you have a staghorn fern (or know of one nearby) they love and overripe banana. As epiphytes, they occasionally need the extra nutrients. Just tucked it near the middle of the fern.
I'm going to have to start calling Mr. Barry, Professor Barry. I come to his Stack and learn stuff WAY above my pay grade. I guess you CAN teach an old dog new epiphytes! Swear, until today I thought Staghorn was Foghorn Leghorn's brother!
It's a VEGETABLE! Vegetables do not belong in cake. Got nothin' against the frosting however, so if you and I are ever together in the presence of carrot cake, you get the cake, I get the frosting!
As a Californian, I bought a fake tree a few years ago (between drought and wildfires the price of the fresh ones was astronomical, and I felt bad killing one of the “few” we had left on the west coast). But after one year of that, (and a wet winter) I went back to a fresh one, though I still pull out the fake one and put it in the entryway. Turns out you can’t have too many Christmas trees during the holidays.
A few years ago, we spent Christmas in Vegas with my generous stepson, who'd held off getting a tree until we arrived. He took us to the primo tree lot near his place, which had a dozen "live" trees... SPRAY PAINTED in red, or purple, or yellow... Well, it was Vegas.
If you think grating a bunch of mass zucchinis is bad, try deep frying a community sized Thanksgiving dinner with an army of Baptist volunteer cooks…as an atheist
I can sympathize re: your relationship with Judaism. I had a "dial-a-Bar-Mitzvah" -- that is, about two months beforehand, I went to a so-called Rabbi who taught me my Hoftorah phonetically. Didn't understand a word of it. My dad wanted a party, I wanted to be left alone. Today, my wife, who is a Buddhist, knows more about it than I do.
And this is true: my parents were so broke, the invite to said Bar Mitzvah came on a card that said "Our Wedding." It was off-the-shelf and cheap. Gonna have to write about that, too.
Oh, on faux trees: Ever seen a menorah in the window missing light bulbs? Says a lot ...
One year -- sometime in the '80s I think -- I volunteered to take my Mom out through a nearby neighborhood to look at the Christmas lighting displays. As we drove around the suburbs, oohing and aahing as you'd expect, Mom suddenly said: "I can help wondering about the houses with no lights at all. I mean, are they Jewish or what?" Granted, we were in a car with no one else able to hear. But I felt myself shriveling in embarrassment nonetheless!
Grated zucchini is great in spaghetti sauce, too.
The beloved “Research Department” speaks! Hi, Judi! You’ve been with Dave so long, I’m surprised he doesn’t pay you to go to the marathon synagogue services for him. But I guess Michelle would notice.
Hey, you should pay Carl Hiaasen to go for you, Dave - you say people are always confusing the two of you… maybe Michelle wouldn’t notice.
[Edited to spell Carl’s name correctly…🥴]
Ok, this is genius. Well done.
It’s fine in sauce. It’s okay as a pizza crust if you can’t eat wheat. But it’s actually GOOD if you add a bunch of sugar and chocolate. Go figure.
I challenge anyone to name a food that is NOT better with the addition of sugar and chocolate.
Minus the chocolate part: rhubarb. Technically you need some strawberries and a pie (with their inherent sugar content) to make it edible. Aside from strawberry-rhubarb pie, scientists have yet to discover any other use for this vegetable-like substance. Why it grows freely, easily and in such abundance in gardens is a cosmic mystery.
Rhubarb is not a food, and that’s a hill I’ll die on, although it won’t be from eating rhubarb leaves, which are poisonous, therefore, not a food. In conclusion, just go with the strawberries and the pie; maybe add chocolate.
I am 100% with you. Rhubarb is pig food.
I am ashamed to say that when I was a kid we would pick rhubarb from the garden, salt and eat the stems. I think now it was because of the scary and funny way our faces would screw up from the saucer taste.
Rhubarb is not a food. It’s a punishment.
While I concur, anything that can be made into a pie can’t be all bad.
> Why it grows freely, easily and in such abundance in gardens is a cosmic mystery.
One of the few cosmic mysteries for which humanity (as represented by A Prairie Home Companion Wiki) has figured out an answer:
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie
SIGN IN TO EDIT
Beebopareebop is a sponsor of A Prairie Home Companion. Their signature products are Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and Beebopareebop Frozen Rhubarb Pie Filling.
Their commercials feature lengthy descriptions of problems and misfortunes that can befall a person, concluding with the advice that rhubarb pie would be welcomed at a time like this. They also tout the benefits of rhubarb: being able to get rid of horseflies and being able to get rid of the taste from a person's mouth of fear, dismay, humiliation, shame, defeat and more. …
🎵 But one little thing can revive a guy,
🎵 And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
🎵 Serve it up, nice and hot.
🎵 Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
(A Prairie Home Companion, BTW, is where I first learned of Mr Barry and his magnum opus, Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex.)
Thank you for shining a light on this reminder from the dim corridors of my memory! I loved PHC back in the day, and their commercials (especially for this product) were fantastic. (I even got to see a live show once on their traveling summer road tour). I’d love to find an audio collection of these comedic gems to enjoy them once more. Moreover, when you add some ice cream to a slice of hot rhubarb pie, it gets even better.
Found one. Enjoy:
https://youtu.be/3i97mv8qyRc?si=LePJtixJV0WpTeMv
I concur! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Tuna fish from a can
I’ve never had tuna with chocolate, but I’m willing to try.
scrambled eggs.. And I am a chocolate lover/expert
So, you’ve conducted this experiment yourself? I’m not ashamed to say I would give it a try.
That would be fun!!!!
Hey I’m in TN too. But not East Jesus. I don’t think …
If you’re in East Tennessee, you’re in East Jesus. It’s a state of mind.
Yeah, you’re right. We can’t never escape. Oh the things done in his name, amiright?
pickles
Amen
No, Judi, it is not! 😱
Also not bad (and hardly detectable) in sloppy joes! (But that's kind of variations on the same theme anyway.)
"Hardly detectable" is not a selling point for an ingredient.
Bwahahaha!! Fabulous point, Christie!
Amen!!
Also not much of a ghost story.
How are you a substack bestseller with zero posts!?
Bleh
I’m Episcopalian and we serve brownies for communion. With bourbon instead of wine.
Like you EVER go to church, Bob.
Few Episcopalians do.
It's optional. My sister (St Chads, the surfer saint) says if she can get me to church (St Johns, the saint everyone knows) once a year, it counts and I'm good.
Just thinking about going counts in my not-so-good book. Also, did you know that St. Chad is the patron saint of disputed elections? Or so says Wikipedia because I didn’t think there really was a St. Chad and had to look him up ….
Where was he in 2016?
Sabbatical
Saint Chad of Mercia
Who he was: An Irish-trained Anglo-Saxon monk who became a bishop and missionary. He was the brother of Saint Cedd who was a writer of profane texts they sang in the winery. Sacristy!
He’s definitely my patron saint.
In fairness,he no doubt thinks about attending
All the Episcopalian jokes with which I was raised sprang immediately to mind when I read this!
Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to mix the drinks and one to call the electrician.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Seriously, this should have WAY more Likes...!!
Jews serve guilt for communion.
Goes good with bourbon
When we would have Father Savage (and no he wasn’t) for dinner, he did love his old fashioned.
Yeah, Fr. Larsen from St. James dropped by every Thursday for a martini. Make that two martinis. What a guy …
Hmmm, I think I need to become an Episcopalian.
Now I have to convert. Finally a religion I can get behind!
Not me frantically looking up Episcopalian churches in my area. My church won’t be happy, but once they hear about brownies and bourbon…
Where exactly is your church?
This week we’re gathering for prayer at the Jack Daniels distillery
That does it, I'm becoming an Episcopalian!
Join us. We now have a service that does away with the music, too, So that means we're outa there fast!
My kind of church.
The only requirement is that you have to host a kegger.
You deliver it, I'll host.
I guess your church doesn't have an AA room
It does. But it stands for Alcohol Accessible.
My AA homegroup meets in the basement of an Episcopalian church in Kensington MD, big Thanksgiving meeting there too, and the Wednesday meeting is in the Episcopal Church n Dunn Loring VA.
Bob, I'm Jewish. same thing here, except we use Manischewitz hard grape juice and matzah. Not as bad as zucchini.
You’re Jewish and saddled with your last name?
It has been the source of incredulity for 55 years. You should have heard the conversation the day I registered at our local Chabat.
We Episcopalians have a big, inclusive tent. We’d probably spike the Manischewitz with bourbon and spread pimiento cheese on the matzah.
"Manischewitz hard grape juice": that one's going straight into my dictionary of euphemisms. My family weren't Jewish, but Manischewitz was the only booze that Mom could stomach, leading to much hilarity as the level in the bottle got lower, and lower, and lower... "Man oh MANoschevitz: what a wine!"
Where are you? I need to change churches right now.
Please send the address of your church.
I’m ready to convert.
I wanna join your church! Oh wait no I don’t. At all.
I’m an agnostic, but I’d attend one of your services.
Haha
à likely story
Dave, you are what they say in the deeup sowf, a "hoot." If they really love you, they will call you a "mess." You, my friend, are a mess. I'm 84 now, a Jewish convert to Christianity, married to a Catholic who just passed (downturned eyes), so I get the theological whiplash. I have always loved your humor and find myself laughing out loud, so bless you, dear Dave. Carry on.
Bless your hearts
Hey! I am from the deeup souf and I am offended....
I’m catholic and some masses are short, some are long but between standing sitting and kneeling, we always get our exercise done, so we have that going for us.
Sort of, but it’s pretty tough on the knees. I suppose if you squint you could call it exercise, but I like working the remote better. Hand eye coordination practice is underrated.
You must master the art of kneeling! You kneel on the kneeling rail in perfect posture, then slowly lower your tuchus back and down until you are half-sitting on the pew seat. This takes the pressure off your knees. It also saves you from getting a face full of hair from the person in front of you who did not kneel.
That's the way I kneel. My knees are not what they used to be. The nuns at school called it the three-point landing.
Which, when one was a child trying that posture, got one a finger in the back from Sister.
As a child, your knees are in good shape! And Sister never allowed anyone to skip kneeling, so you never had a face full of hair from the person in the pew ahead of you.
A face full of Aquanet Hairspray from 1962.
OUTSTANDING!
I read a review today of these things called "ruckers": they're basically (as you might imagine) rucksacks, but made for carrying the custom-fitted 10- to 20-pound weights which the manufacturer also sells. The idea? Why should you even sit or stand while carrying just your own weight? Ruck your way to good health! They should distribute ruckers at the entrance to the church, along with the order of worship and (at Christmas) paper-shielded candles.
Great piece! I laughed out loud! Reminds me of the fun my dad had with his Jewish identity, in Groucho, Mel Brooks kind of way. Telling my brother his yarmulke had to point north. Coming up with movies like "The Texas Chainsaw Circumcision." And saying the only Jewish football team was the Washington Foreskins. It was all in good fun, and very witty!
Foreskins is a better name than Commanders
Filibusters would be even better, the ‘Busters for short.
True to both!
Or than Trumpers.
I like the Washington Cankles or the Washington Bone-spurs or the Washington Pedophiles (Pedos for short) too.
I have a doctor’s appointment and labs today at 11. I woke up already starving and not allowed to eat until the blood has been drained from my arm. But, you again came to the rescue. in addition to making me laugh out loud, the description, and particularly the photo of the uncooked chocolate zucchini bread, completely ruined my appetite. So I’m off for the annual bloodletting with a smile on my face.
The Christmas tree portion of your story reminded me of an incident in my past.
At one time our family lived in a house with a cathedral ceiling, so we would always get a rather tall tree. We bought our trees at a farm market run by a man named Kermit (the only Kermit I've ever known who wasn't a frog). That year, we bought a beautiful tree - it must have been at least 11 feet tall and was full and perfectly shaped. Kermit baled it and somehow we got it home and into the house through the sliding patio door. We unbaled it and by the time the branches all relaxed it took up half of the living room. But that was OK because we had lots of ornaments and loved decorating for Christmas.
The problem came after the holidays when we needed to take the tree out to the curb for collection. There was no way it was going to go back out the way it came in. I know this because my husband tried his best to push it through the patio door, which reminded me of the act of giving birth. Finally, he had to use a chainsaw to cut off the lower branches, then cut the trunk up into several pieces. We dragged the pieces out to the curb and eventually they were collected. Our kids (now 45 and 47) still talk about that tree and how great it was. Their father has a slightly different opinion.
As a retired Episcopalian urologist I can testify to the importance of being able to make your tee time after services. As for zucchini, do people really eat this stuff? Also, I would like to visit the Episcopal church where bourbon is served at communion. My church has only cheap red wine.
We got grape juice. Lotsa alcoholics at our church .
Nice to think of the alcoholics, but hell on the diabetics. The best solution is to skip the gathering and go outside. That’s closer to God anyway.
I totally agree with you on that, Doris! 🌿
That was a very specialized practice, Tom.
Mine’s got port. Pretty tasty!
“Recently I found myself in a high-stress situation involving seven Jewish women and a large quantity of zucchini.”
Ah, yes. The premise that began so many Dickensian novels. It works well every time!
MerryCatholic.substack.com
Har!!
I had to stop myself from noting that Dave's first sentence also reminded me of the premise of a stag film I saw at a fraternity house in 1978.
Oops, I shoulda just thought that instead of typing it out. Sorry.
No, I think most of us went there already..
Most of us of a certain... twist of mind.
Whew! Wow thanks! I was about to bust keeping that VERY thought to myself!!!!!
Glad I could be of help. My motto: I publicly embarrass myself so you don’t have to!
I didn’t even think of the double entendre until I read your contribution ! You’ll have to go sit on the naughty stair.
So sorry. Now I have to go to confession.
“Source: Matthew Brady’—great detail!
Right?!? That killed me! His rigorous citation process is just outstanding. 👏🏻😜👏🏻😜👏🏻
Agree 100% with you both. If they'd let him have a Wikipedia editor account, the world would eventually make much more sense!
Sir, you may have opened Pandora's Bread Box here. There are many fruits and vegetables that shouldn't be turned into bread, and though I expect major pushback here, one of them is the banana. Stay with me, banana bread lovers. Banana bread is not made from yellow bananas. Yellow bananas are reserved for banana splits and monkeys. Banana bread is made from very dark brown and black bananas. Dark brown and black bananas are not even sold in stores. If you were to see one in its native state, you'd head directly to the zucchini counter. Dark brown and black bananas have to be "seasoned," like mold. Fair warning, okay? And don't get me started on carrot cake.
Once they're black they're too far gone. Brown spots are perfect for banana bread but you do have to fight off the monkeys. And you only don't like it because you haven't had mine with chocolate chips, or my carrot cake which is the absolute best.
I’m with you Fran. The spotted bananas and soft and have more natural sugar, which moistens the bread with less fat. And I always thought carrot cake sounded gross until I actually made one. Sure, it’s absolutely delicious, but what wouldn’t be with all that sugar and fat? They call mine “killer” carrot cake for a reason, but what a way to go.
Ok Doris, now we must exchange recipes, something I'm sure Dave never foresaw when he wrote this zucchini, Christmas tree post. Mine is here: https://atfranstable.com/recipes/frans-clearly-superior-carrot-cake/
Please send yours!
This recipe looks good, though the ingredient list is suspiciously like Dave’s zucchini brownie recipe but without zucchinis.
My mother’s banana bread was famous when I was growing up, so I’m good there. And I make a good carrot cake but am very open to improvement. Is there a secret ingredient, or is it actually a secret?
I think pineapple is great in it. Here's that link again to the carrot cake. https://atfranstable.com/recipes/frans-clearly-superior-carrot-cake/
(Tooting my own horn here but I've brought it to really good restaurants for birthdays and people working there have told me it's the best they've ever had.) And have you ever added chocolate chips to your mom's banana bread? It's amazing.
Thank you, Fran! I do use pineapple of which I was particularly glad the time I forgot the carrots; but I gotta do the chips in the banana bread. Can try different flavors!
Then what am I supposed to do with these black bananas?!?
Freeze them as if you intend, one day, to make banana bread, then throw them away when you need more freezer space.
My daughter freezes bananas to use in a milk shake. There was an unfortunate incident when she mistook frozen sausages for bananas and made a disgusting sausage milk shake.
That’s my system!
You could try them in a smoothie. However, they go nicely in a lovely compost pile, or tossed into your trash can. Good luck. At least you won't have the monkeys to contend with.
A black banana smoothie...somehow I don't think that's gonna catch on.
Some vegan would probably like it.
But I will take it onto my SubStack and see if I can sell it....
I'm not sure I have a lot of vegan followers. They tend to come from a more civilized population than my followers.
My mom used to cut them up, saute them with butter and brown sugar, and serve them over ice cream. Tasted good to me!
If you have a staghorn fern (or know of one nearby) they love and overripe banana. As epiphytes, they occasionally need the extra nutrients. Just tucked it near the middle of the fern.
I'm going to have to start calling Mr. Barry, Professor Barry. I come to his Stack and learn stuff WAY above my pay grade. I guess you CAN teach an old dog new epiphytes! Swear, until today I thought Staghorn was Foghorn Leghorn's brother!
Aw shucks I'm allergic to
chocolate.
Hey, what the hell’s wrong with carrot cake?? With that yummy frosting.
It's a VEGETABLE! Vegetables do not belong in cake. Got nothin' against the frosting however, so if you and I are ever together in the presence of carrot cake, you get the cake, I get the frosting!
Once I forgot to put the carrots in the cake so I stuck it in the middle…upright. And get your own damn frosting ‘cause I like it, too.
Old people need their FROSTING!!!
Exactly, that’s why you have to get your own!
Here's how to handle zucchini:
1) Slice it up and smear cheep Italian salad dressing on it
2) Grill
3) Conspicuously display the zucchini on your plate to the women in your life, because they care.
4) Surreptitiously discard.
I love cooking. I also love eating. This is why I spend a couple hours a day exercising even though I don’t love that.
Cooking is an art, baking is a science. I use scales to measure the flour and sugar when I’m baking because they’re more precise than measuring cups.
I bought a fake tree several years ago. One of the better investments I’ve made.
I'm still anti-fake-tree, but one of these years I may weaken.
As a Californian, I bought a fake tree a few years ago (between drought and wildfires the price of the fresh ones was astronomical, and I felt bad killing one of the “few” we had left on the west coast). But after one year of that, (and a wet winter) I went back to a fresh one, though I still pull out the fake one and put it in the entryway. Turns out you can’t have too many Christmas trees during the holidays.
A few years ago, we spent Christmas in Vegas with my generous stepson, who'd held off getting a tree until we arrived. He took us to the primo tree lot near his place, which had a dozen "live" trees... SPRAY PAINTED in red, or purple, or yellow... Well, it was Vegas.
Fake dogs (porcelain) are pretty good, too. Never have to walk them, and always happy.
You were too fast revealing what a fake dog is. I was just starting to think about cats in drag.
Nor do they poop all over the yard, at least that’s what I’ve been told.
Unless they poop porcelain pellets
Porcelain just doesn’t w
…whine for a cuddle or look sweetly into your eyes. Makes up for the 💩.
Took 49 years of marriage and live trees to cave and put up a fake Hanukkah bush.
The year I demanded a second tree because the first one was too dry too early in the season became the last year we had a real tree. 😏
When the Israelites trekked through hot desert sands, they were starving and cried out for bread.
What if Yahweh had not sent them manna at all, but a hail of zucchini instead?
They had vegetable graters, and,
Lacking pertaters, they attacked the zucchini with zeal,
The allure of zucchini, at best, is quite teeny,
Though it’s really quite easy to fix
Many Hebrews recalled the Egyptian cuisine,
Although Pharaoh forced them to make bricks.
There’s the Book of the Dead, and there’s Zucchini Bread.
The latter can fill up your tummy.
And the former, it’s mystical content is key
In successfully making a mummy.
If you think grating a bunch of mass zucchinis is bad, try deep frying a community sized Thanksgiving dinner with an army of Baptist volunteer cooks…as an atheist
"It's TURKEY! I swear to the God you worship, that's what you're looking at!"
(Ducks as a ladle swishes past his right ear)
Hoot!
I can sympathize re: your relationship with Judaism. I had a "dial-a-Bar-Mitzvah" -- that is, about two months beforehand, I went to a so-called Rabbi who taught me my Hoftorah phonetically. Didn't understand a word of it. My dad wanted a party, I wanted to be left alone. Today, my wife, who is a Buddhist, knows more about it than I do.
And this is true: my parents were so broke, the invite to said Bar Mitzvah came on a card that said "Our Wedding." It was off-the-shelf and cheap. Gonna have to write about that, too.
Oh, on faux trees: Ever seen a menorah in the window missing light bulbs? Says a lot ...
https://open.substack.com/pub/todaysmuse/p/the-mens-wearhouse-and-chuck-e-cheese
LOLOLO!!! great one!!
One year -- sometime in the '80s I think -- I volunteered to take my Mom out through a nearby neighborhood to look at the Christmas lighting displays. As we drove around the suburbs, oohing and aahing as you'd expect, Mom suddenly said: "I can help wondering about the houses with no lights at all. I mean, are they Jewish or what?" Granted, we were in a car with no one else able to hear. But I felt myself shriveling in embarrassment nonetheless!
WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER! Bro! You got a car!??!??