Ask Mister Language Person

Or don't. He could care less.

It’s time for another rendition of Ask Mister Language Person, the column in which the world’s foremost leading language authority answers your questions — which, to save you the trouble, he also makes up — on grammar, vocabulary and condiment preservation. Today, as is our wont, we will begin with the first question:

Q. When should I use a semicolon?

A. You should use it when you reach the end of a sentence and realize you left out some potentially relevant information.

EXAMPLE: Steve possesses all the requisite qualities to be Director of Human Resources; by the way, he is a practicing cannibal.

Q. What is the purpose of the exclamation mark?

A. It is used to indicate that even though the exterior of a major appliance may have a boring “ho-hum” appearance, beneath the surface something wild and exciting is happening:

Exclamation marks may also be used to indicate that the subject of the sentence is a liar.

EXAMPLE: Lurleen claims she wears a size four(!!).

Q. What is the correct spelling of “hemorrhoid?”

A. Nobody knows.

Q. Please explain the usage of the phrase “in lieu of.”

A. This is a French expression — meaning, literally, “trompe l’oeil” — that is used, grammatically, to introduce a conjugal accusative clause.

EXAMPLE: Brenda divorced Earl in lieu of the fact that he came home multiple times with his underpants on backwards.

Q. What is the proper way to end a formal business letter?

A. The standard wording is: “With warmest human regards, I remain [Your Name]”

Q. Should I actually write “Your Name?”

A. Yes, although if that feels too personal, you can go with “The Undersigned.”

Q. Does your author band, the Rock Bottom Remainders, have in its repertoire a song about grammar titled “Proofreading Woman,” and is there video of you performing it 15 years ago during a benefit concert for the Free Library of Philadelphia?

A. Unfortunately there is:

Q. Is that Ridley Pearson on bass, and Mitch Albom playing keyboards while wearing a bad Elvis wig?

A. Yes.

Q. My question concerns the United States Tax code, which contains many absurdly complex sentences such as this one, from Section 1411(d):

The term “modified adjusted gross income” means adjusted gross income increased by the excess of (1) the amount excluded from gross income under section 911(a)(1), over (2) the amount of any deductions (taken into account in computing adjusted gross income) or exclusions disallowed under section 911(d)(6) with respect to the amounts described in paragraph (1).

How can this abusively unclear writing be made more understandable to the average American taxpayer, who is required to somehow be able to comply with the tax laws?

A. It should be reworded using short, simple words, as follows:

The term “modified adjusted gross income” means adjusted gross income increased by the excess of (1) the amount excluded from gross income under section 911(a)(1), over (2) the amount of any deductions (taken into account in computing adjusted gross income) or exclusions disallowed under section 911(d)(6) with respect to the amounts described in paragraph (1) OR YOU WILL GO TO JAIL.

Q. With regards to condiment preservation, is it necessary to refrigerate ketchup and mustard?

A. No.

Q. Is this sign grammatically correct?

A. It is not. Grammatically, the sign contains a gastroenterological phrase, and therefore it requires a suppository interjection, as we see in this corrected version:

Q. What is the grammatical subject of this sentence:

It would behoove whomever left them marmot pelts on the divan to lay low for a spell.

A. In this case the grammatical subject is the individual who is doing the behooving.

Q. So it’s the behoover?

A. Correct.

Q. That would be Francine.

A. Well it’s her divan.

BONUS WRITING TIP FOR ASPIRING NOVELISTS WISHING TO APPEAL TO GEN Z READERS:

The hottest-selling fiction genre right now is “romantasy,” which combines romance and fantasy, so make sure you include both of these elements in your plot:

WRONG: Ariadne entered the room.

RIGHT: Ariadne entered the room and had sex with a dragon.

And now, speaking of hot, let’s hear from you paying subscribers.